Having a partner who intellectually stimulates you?

[dynothe2nd]

Maybe it wasnt over her head, maybe she just found it boring.

Talking about brush strokes is not intellectual conversation in my books. Intellectual stimulation is very important to me. I like someone who has opinion on things, someone who is curious, someone who reads/watches documentaries, and enjoys debates. But if my partner called me intellectualy inferior because i have no interest in brushstrokes i would think he is a pompous a$%.. lecturing someone in an area we are knowledgeable in while the other person has no interest in is pointless in my opinion.

 

You guys are reading into the Monet thing a bit much. Once again, it was a general example of her lack of interest in anything intellectual. And I do consider artistic technique to be intellectual conversation, whether it be visual art, music, literature, etc.

[jen1447]

How important is this to you? To me personally, it eventually becomes a huge detractor if my partner isn't my intellectual equal. For example, I was trying to discuss the works of Claude Monet with an ex, specifically Woman With a Parasol. I tried to point out the brush technique Monet used to create a dreamy environment and how he used lighting so effectively. The entire time I could tell everything I was saying was way over her head, and it was frustrating. Anyone else feel like I do?

 

What type of intelligence are we talking here - just academic intelligence? Emotional intelligence? Creative intelligence?

 

I'm not exactly conventionally 'smart' myself, so suffering thru long conversations about science or art techniques (that we pretend to understand and be familiar with but aren't really? ) actually sounds stupifyingly boring to me. But those aren't the only smarts.

[katiegrl]

You guys are reading into the Monet thing a bit much. Once again, it was a general example of her lack of interest in anything intellectual. And I do consider artistic technique to be intellectual conversation, whether it be visual art, music, literature, etc.

 

I get exactly what you mean dynothe.

 

 

But in response to your example, if I had been your girlfriend, even though I don't know much about Monet and brush strokes, since you do, I would take an interest in it and want to learn about it.

 

 

However, I DO love art, so perhaps that's why too.

 

 

That said, being a naturally curious person, I am interested in lots of things....and love learning new things....even if I never took an interest in it previously.

 

 

There is nothing wrong with needing a partner like this....curious, open to learning new things....sharing what she knows with you about subjects YOU are not an expert on.

 

 

I was NEVER into politics until I started dating my boyfriend. Now it's a passion of mine....and my boyfriend and I love to discuss, debate, and even argue sometimes.

 

 

Not a serious argument, more like an "heated" intellectual discussion re our respective points of view.

 

 

I NEED that...so does HE. So in that sense, we are perfect for each other.

[mrldii]

I was using the Monet thing as a general example. Thing is, this girl was not interested in anything intellectual. Not politics, arts, philosophy, geography, science, NOTHING. She almost never contributed anything intelligent, profound, or challenging to the conversation. She would rather talk about drama in her social circle or what recipes looked good on Pinterest. That's what I found frustrating. As soon as I attempted to shift the conversation to anything remotely intellectual, she was lost.

 

 

Ahhhhh, then...

 

you two were simply incompatible, and this was A way that incompatibility manifested itself.

 

Nothing wrong with that...unless one or the other of you continues to try to cram that square peg into a round hole because it's important (for some ungodly reason) that "this relationship works out, dammit!!!"

[Eternal Sunshine]

I have highly intellectually challenging work and can't even expect my dates to be interested in it. It would be a bonus if they were though.

 

My last relationship was with someone that wasn't my intellectual equal. Surprisingly, sex was the best I ever had but beyond sex I was bored. We only talked about mundane every day stuff. I wasn't able to fall in love.

 

I have a certain interest which I like to discuss: nuances of human behavior. I rate a partner with an ability and interest in this way above a partner that can talk about mathematics. It's very important that partner can offer insightful comments or challenge my way of thinking when it comes to this particular topic.

 

Also, someone who is intelligent is able to have conversations with some depth about any topic.

 

I know I am not dating even close to my equal when I constantly have to simplify the way I communicate my thoughts or it goes above their head. That's how I define a deal breaker.

[S_A]

How important is this to you? To me personally, it eventually becomes a huge detractor if my partner isn't my intellectual equal. For example, I was trying to discuss the works of Claude Monet with an ex, specifically Woman With a Parasol. I tried to point out the brush technique Monet used to create a dreamy environment and how he used lighting so effectively. The entire time I could tell everything I was saying was way over her head, and it was frustrating. Anyone else feel like I do?

 

Dude... Intellectual level? I know people that can run laps around you intellectually, but they don't know squat about painting. These women sound like they just may not have the same interests as you as opposed to being stupid.

[casey.lives]

As an intellectual .. i prefer people with other strength for a mate. However i do like someone who values me for what i bring too.. that's all i ask.

[dynothe2nd]

Dude... Intellectual level? I know people that can run laps around you intellectually, but they don't know squat about painting. These women sound like they just may not have the same interests as you as opposed to being stupid.

 

First of all, you don't know me, guy, nor my intellectual capacity. So let's lay off the unfounded comparisons to your friends. Anyway, as if I didn't make myself ABUNDANTLY clear in previous replies, the painting example was just that, an example of her general apathy towards intellectual conversation. I certainly wouldn't break up or put down a girl just because she doesn't like art.

[callingyouuu]

The vast majority of people would say yes if asked whether they'd like to be intellectually stimulated in their relationship.

 

Also, I wouldn't describe someone who doesn't share your interests as not your "intellectual equal." The more accurate statement to make is that you're not intellectually compatible, not that one of you is objectively smarter than the other.

[SammySammy]

The vast majority of people would say yes if asked whether they'd like to be intellectually stimulated in their relationship.

 

Also, I wouldn't describe someone who doesn't share your interests as not your "intellectual equal." The more accurate statement to make is that you're not intellectually compatible, not that one of you is objectively smarter than the other.

 

We've had this conversation a lot at work.

 

I've worked with a lot of men who have said they prefer a dumb woman. I know a lot of men who are intimidated by smart women.

 

I don't understand it at all, but, from being around their wives, it seems that what they say is true.

[S_A]

First of all, you don't know me, guy, nor my intellectual capacity. So let's lay off the unfounded comparisons to your friends. Anyway, as if I didn't make myself ABUNDANTLY clear in previous replies, the painting example was just that, an example of her general apathy towards intellectual conversation. I certainly wouldn't break up or put down a girl just because she doesn't like art.

 

Conversation about Monet is no more intellectually stimulating than a conversation about Tom Brady.

[dynothe2nd]

Conversation about Monet is no more intellectually stimulating than a conversation about Tom Brady.

 

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

[S_A]

We'll have to agree to disagree on that one.

 

Sure... If you don't consider a top tier athlete to be an artist, but that's not what the issue is.

[MissBee]

It depends where you are in your life.

 

I am intellectually challenged each and every day from 9h to 5h. When I get home I wanna stop thinking, I don't want challenges, don't want to debate or start talking economy all over again. I want to laugh, make love, cook and I want to talk about things that are dear to my heart like family, friends, the environment, hobbies, trips, projects, etc.

 

I remember being a young wife and mother at home. Spending my days playing mom and maid and when my husband got home at 5h I was dying for some intellectual challenges.

 

 

I don't equate intelligence with what you do at work personally. While my career is academic so by nature it is intellectually challenging, when I say I want an intelligent man or someone intellectually stimulating I don't mean we need to talk about his work or mine necessarily. I find that some people are very superficial or just very.. Basic and vapid in how they think and for me, I feel remedial and bored when dealing with people like that. For example, people who only like small talk. It's so tedious to me. My ex for example, after 3 months I realized that our relationship consisted of us doing a bunch of activities and having small talk in between for the most part and I realized that we didn't talk about anything of value and he never said anything remotely interesting that made me think. I can't feel very turned on personally or really deeply respect a man who doesn't make me sometimes sit back in awe or rethink my whole thought on a matter. Its no surprise I never fell in love with him.

 

Intelligent people don't stop being intelligent just because they aren't at work. An intellectually curious and intelligent person often sees the world in a way that is interesting to me anyway, that's what I mean. So even if we're talking about ice-cream or music or the price of tea, I've found that there are ways to discuss it that are just darn interesting and come natural to intelligent people. I remember that with my ex once we were on a road trip and we were playing twenty questions or what would you do if games and his responses were so...lame...and I found that I never really found him all that funny. I realized also that intellect and humor go hand in hand as well and when a man and I have vastly differing intellects we tend not to find the same things funny and just can't really click. They usually misread my sarcasm and humor and so for me I find that it's also simpler interactions that become strained when dealing with that and I hate it.

 

Even with my friends, anyone I'm good friends with is intellectually stimulating. We don't have to have the same career or talk about work. That's not intelligence. My ex talked about his work, I didn't consider him intelligent. I considered him good at the tasks he was assigned but was quite a bore otherwise in terms of creativity, critical thinking, just being able to turn things around and see the world in different ways. That's how I assess intelligence.

 

Mind you though, I don't think everyone is required to want that in a partner. But for me, intelligence is a trait that encompasses a lot and it's more similar to creative and critical thinking than technical knowledge about a specific subject and I can't fall inlove with a man who isn't a seeker, as Michelle put it, and I suspect that this is a deep problem of worldviews and orientation. IfIf II want to talk about the technicalities of my field I have colleagues for that, and that for me isn't intelligence. I cannot imagine however having a partner who doesn't get my jokes, my sarcasm, who I can never bounce anything off of, who never makes me think.... Friends don't substitute for that for me. After we have sex and are in bed pillow talking I need a man I can share my dreams, desires, things of that nature with who isn't vapid and who is intelligent and critical, not like my ex who was just like "Okay babe" and that was the end of his thinking.

Edited July 29, 2015 by MissBee

[dynothe2nd]

Sure... If you don't consider a top tier athlete to be an artist, but that's not what the issue is.

 

Correct. It's not the issue. Thank you for the continued thoughtful contributions to the discussion.

[alphamale]

Somebody who can't hold a conversation about anything other than gossip is not worth talking to most of the time. I could not date some one like that long term.

 

but you could date someone like that short term

[dynothe2nd]

but you could date someone like that short term

 

At this point, I want to be in it for the long haul. Never saw the point in intentionally quantifying a relationship as short term.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I don't equate intelligence with what you do at work personally. While my career is academic so by nature it is intellectually challenging, when I say I want an intelligent man or someone intellectually stimulating I don't mean we need to talk about his work or mine necessarily. I find that some people are very superficial or just very.. Basic and vapid in how they think and for me, I feel remedial and bored when dealing with people like that. For example, people who only like small talk. It's so tedious to me. My ex for example, after 3 months I realized that our relationship consisted of us doing a bunch of activities and having small talk in between for the most part and I realized that we didn't talk about anything of value and he never said anything remotely interesting that made me think. I can't feel very turned on personally or really deeply respect a man who doesn't make me sometimes sit back in awe or rethink my whole thought on a matter. Its no surprise I never fell in love with him.

 

Intelligent people don't stop being intelligent just because they aren't at work. An intellectually curious and intelligent person often sees the world in a way that is interesting to me anyway, that's what I mean. So even if we're talking about ice-cream or music or the price of tea, I've found that there are ways to discuss it that are just darn interesting and come natural to intelligent people. I remember that with my ex once we were on a road trip and we were playing twenty questions or what would you do if games and his responses were so...lame...and I found that I never really found him all that funny. I realized also that intellect and humor go hand in hand as well and when a man and I have vastly differing intellects we tend not to find the same things funny and just can't really click. They usually misread my sarcasm and humor and so for me I find that it's also simpler interactions that become strained when dealing with that and I hate it.

 

Even with my friends, anyone I'm good friends with is intellectually stimulating. We don't have to have the same career or talk about work. That's not intelligence. My ex talked about his work, I didn't consider him intelligent. I considered him good at the tasks he was assigned but was quite a bore otherwise in terms of creativity, critical thinking, just being able to turn things around and see the world in different ways. That's how I assess intelligence.

 

Mind you though, I don't think everyone is required to want that in a partner. But for me, intelligence is a trait that encompasses a lot and it's more similar to creative and critical thinking than technical knowledge about a specific subject and I can't fall inlove with a man who isn't a seeker, as Michelle put it, and I suspect that this is a deep problem of worldviews and orientation. IfIf II want to talk about the technicalities of my field I have colleagues for that, and that for me isn't intelligence. I cannot imagine however having a partner who doesn't get my jokes, my sarcasm, who I can never bounce anything off of, who never makes me think.... Friends don't substitute for that for me. After we have sex and are in bed pillow talking I need a man I can share my dreams, desires, things of that nature with who isn't vapid and who is intelligent and critical, not like my ex who was just like "Okay babe" and that was the end of his thinking.

 

This is exactly how I feel!!!

 

My last bf was a nice person but all we did was have small talk broken down by sex and other activities. I was advised that I "can't have it all in one person" and that I should "seek intellectual stimulation at work". I tried that and stuck with him for 3-4 months. I was also attempting to talk to him about his interests and even started watching TV shows that he likes so that I will have more to talk to him about. It was no use...even discussing a TV show plot lacked the depth that I needed. Even with friends or at work, I can't stand small talk and it bores me to death. I would rather not talk at all.

 

It was like he had this simplified way of thinking about the world. Whenever I shared my deeper thoughts he would just agree without adding anything. He didn't get my sense of humor at all and thought I was being "mean" when I was being sarcastic. Everything he said was generic and lame. I literally can't think of one insightful or funny thing he said during our time together.

[Els]

It's probably #1 on my non-personality-related priority list. That being said...

 

I tried to point out the brush technique Monet used to create a dreamy environment and how he used lighting so effectively.

 

Honestly, this would probably go over Stephen Hawking or Richard Stallman's heads as well, and you could accuse neither of them of not being intellectuals. Not everyone is into art. Do you specifically desire an art lover instead of an intellectual?

[yxalitis]

This EXACT same subject came up only a few weeks ago...adn the same people have given the same responses...

 

To summarise:

What is important to you in a relationship is different than other people.

All we are doing here is bouncing our own personal opinions back and forth, when there is no right, or wrong answer.

 

But one thing..OP:

 

Discussing painting techniques is more an esoteric conversation than an intellectual one.

You are talking about a subject that you have a deep knowledge of...I no diddly squat about art techniques...so I can't participate in any meaningful way...

And, frankly, the subject bores me...

 

Does that mean I'm not intelligent enough for you?

No, it only means that I have a different interest level to you on that topic...

 

Care to debate on where I see the fundamental flaws in modern particle physics with me...I would hazard a guess...no

 

And if my next girlfriend isn't either, well, this is of no concern to me, it has very little to do with loving someone.

 

More important, is that what we DO talk about, we can both understand to a mutual level...ever listen to two unintelligent people have a conversation about, ooh, let's say: global warming...it's painful to hear how misguided and uninformed people can be...but THEY don't think this, THEY don't care...THEY are having a good "intelligent" conversation.

[GravityMan]

Yes, it matters for me. I prefer someone who's happily and spontaneously willing to talk about a bit more than just their job, Dancing with the Stars and the Kardashians.

 

I think the key word here that was mentioned many times in this thread is curiosity. You don't have to have a high IQ or have a Master's degree or be well traveled to remote historical areas or be well-versed in Monet/Shakespeare/quantum theory/Wall Street/etc in order to be intellectually curious. You simply need to have a desire in investing time and energy into learning about a person, life/society, the world/universe, a tangible thing, or a concept...and be willing to talk about it with others. That means listening, asking questions to help keep the conversation going, and so on. Critical thinking skills also help, too (interesting people are usually insightful). This isn't really about "common interests"...many people just enjoy spending time with someone who has some enthusiasm to learn more about stuff and try new things.

 

Furthermore, part of the point of dating is getting to know each other, including interests. Anyone who pays attention should fairly quickly have a decent idea of what their partner is/isn't into, and tailor the conversations accordingly (in-depth, superficial/simple/lighthearted, or avoid). Some people just aren't into art or politics or computers or whatever (and are into other things). A good conversationalist is adept at "reading" his or her audience and talking about almost anything in a way that's interesting...or at least not dull. There is also mood to consider...just because both of you share a deep interest about something doesn't always mean that you're always in the mood to talk in-depth about it.

 

It's usually people who are very routine in their daily lives (wake up, go to work, do repetitive duties, come home, eat dinner, watch baseball, go to bed, rinse & repeat), highly resistant to change and wary of trying new things that lack intellectual curiosity. They're deep in their comfort zones. A lot of them are good people of solid character, but they're just often perceived as boring.

 

It's not necessary to be in "deep detailed conversation" mode 100% of the time...I don't think many people who want an intellectually stimulating partner are asking for THAT type of person and frankly I don't think I've ever met anyone who was like that. Just be capable and willing to go in-depth when ya'll are in the mood for that. There's times when it's better to just chill, live in the moment and enjoy life in stride. For instance, cuddle up with your GF on the couch and watch the comedy popcorn flick on Netflix just for laughs and to enjoy each other's intimate company.

[regine_phalange]

I like someone who has an interesting angle and a high perception. And is willing to do things with me. I don't care about the amount of painters or galaxies he knows. I don't remember this kind of information either. But when we go together at the museum I'd like to hear his own personal opinion about a painting. For me the thought processes of a person are more important than their encyclopaedical knowledge. There are always boxes with info next to the exhibits anyway

[Toodaloo]

You guys are reading into the Monet thing a bit much. Once again, it was a general example of her lack of interest in anything intellectual. And I do consider artistic technique to be intellectual conversation, whether it be visual art, music, literature, etc.

 

I like it when partners have talents that I don't. It gives me something to admire them for. It also gives them an excuse to buggar off and leave me alone so I can do the things I want to do...!

 

There are many forms of intelligence. But I would want someone to challenge my ways of thinking. I would also want to challenge theirs.

 

I hate gossiping. Unless its good news which I believe should be shared far and wide I don't want to hear about so and so's latest affair etc...

 

So while I would enjoy listening about the brush strokes etc for a while after a bit it would bore me to tears. Discuss it while we are climbing trees or playing a demanding croquet match then I am all ears.

[alphamale]

I like it when partners have talents that I don't. It gives me something to admire them for. It also gives them an excuse to buggar off and leave me alone so I can do the things I want to do...!

 

There are many forms of intelligence. But I would want someone to challenge my ways of thinking. I would also want to challenge theirs.

 

I hate gossiping. Unless its good news which I believe should be shared far and wide I don't want to hear about so and so's latest affair etc...

 

So while I would enjoy listening about the brush strokes etc for a while after a bit it would bore me to tears. Discuss it while we are climbing trees or playing a demanding croquet match then I am all ears.

good analysis toddles

[MissBee]

This is exactly how I feel!!!

 

My last bf was a nice person but all we did was have small talk broken down by sex and other activities. I was advised that I "can't have it all in one person" and that I should "seek intellectual stimulation at work". I tried that and stuck with him for 3-4 months. I was also attempting to talk to him about his interests and even started watching TV shows that he likes so that I will have more to talk to him about. It was no use...even discussing a TV show plot lacked the depth that I needed. Even with friends or at work, I can't stand small talk and it bores me to death. I would rather not talk at all.

 

It was like he had this simplified way of thinking about the world. Whenever I shared my deeper thoughts he would just agree without adding anything. He didn't get my sense of humor at all and thought I was being "mean" when I was being sarcastic. Everything he said was generic and lame. I literally can't think of one insightful or funny thing he said during our time together.

 

I felt the exact same!

 

He was the first person I was close to cheating on and when I realized this, I knew I could never be happy with a man who was vapid, generic, happily one dimensional. He was a nice guy in a generic sense but what keeps me interested is having this desire to constantly know this person, where there is always something new we're discovering or discussing where you have DEPTH and layers that can be unveiled, esp if we're talking about a longterm relationship or marriage, how can I vow to be faithful to and happy with someone who after 3 months we've reached capacity in conversations, thoughts, etc. We'd just be living like robots day to day having sex, going out, but I'd ultimately feel very empty.

 

With my ex I constantly met men who were more interesting and challenging than him who allowed me to use my brain at full capacity and it made me all the more dissatisfied with him. Even relaying conversations to him that my friends and I had would fall flat and it was just soooo disappointing! I remember once my guy friend and I were driving together heading to another friend's party and we were engaged in a riveting conversation about different things to the point that we missed the turn for the house. I realized I never felt that way with my ex, ever. I was usually reaching for things to say, or explaining things to him that he didn't get, we never had long, interesting conversations that could take twists and turns and have any value. So yea, I think it's perfectly fine if you don't care about that. But the problem is when you do care and find yourself mismatched it's very difficult. So now I know and I have given it a try and realize I can never be truly happy with someone who doesn't stimulate me in that way. Falling in love for me is as much emotional as well as intellectual and to date I have never been in love with anyone who didn't stimulate me intellectually.