Random vents by OW...sorry

August 13, 2015

Thanks....
Had to take a breather from the thread for a couple days. I wasn't liking how hard this hit me. But I'm getting stronger. Still want to reach out and do the "bare my soul"...stuff to MM. Thinking that will give me closure, but closure lies within myself, not him.

Doing my best to invest into H. Trying to be more present, attentive, giving. More than what I could be when eye high in A.

Just keep swimming....

good to hear from you, you are doing right. thinking about MM is normal as long as you don't give up on day it'll all go away. the fact that turn your attention to H is another good sign, but keep focusing on yourself

August 13, 2015

Thanks Qubist...I love to run, so have been running my a off too.

August 13, 2015

I run also. Long distance but slow. I put the headphones on, get my breathing and steps equal to the music and lose myself. You are alone when you run. Just you, your body and your mind. This is where I usually work out my problems. By the time I am a hour into it, I know what I am going to do and how to handle it (most of the time)

Keep running. Keep working it out. I am curious as to the Woman you will be by Christmas.

August 13, 2015

I know EXACTLY what you speak of 66Charger. The music is a huge piece of it for me too, it's my escape, my vice. It's where I work it out as well, seek clarity, maybe an epiphany. The harder I push it, the more resolve I feel.

Side note: looks like I will be seeing MM again here over these next two weeks. Found out our paths will be crossing for work purposes. Thinking of unique sicknesses I could acquire.....

Might go with the plague. Seems fitting.

August 13, 2015

You know what'll really help take your mind off the married man you've been cheating with and invest in your husband?.. telling your husband that you've been deceiving and cheating on him with someone for years.

There's nothing like the fear and reality of knowing you could lose your husband and marriage, and seeing how the choices you've made affect the people in your life to really help put things in perspective and prioritize what matters.

The things you've written about, your realizations, the anguish you have over "ending" it with the married man, then him contacting you, your exhausted heart, the corners you've turned, the self-depreciation and humbling comments, your progress, etc - it's all well and good but nothing has changed.

There's nothing to stop either of you from starting up again and you two are still deceiving your spouses.

The post you wrote about being together with the man you've been cheating with but in an affair while still married still disturbs and unsettles me. It's so cruel and awful. Why wouldn't you just tell your husband and leave?

Edited August 13, 2015 by World's.Edge

August 13, 2015

You know what'll really help take your mind off the married man you've been cheating with and invest in your husband?.. telling your husband that you've been deceiving and cheating on him with someone for years.

There's nothing like the fear and reality of knowing you could lose your husband and marriage, and seeing how the choices you've made affect the people in your life to really help put things in perspective and prioritize what matters.

The things you've written about, your realizations, the anguish you have over "ending" it with the married man, then him contacting you, your exhausted heart, the corners you've turned, the self-depreciation and humbling comments, your progress, etc - it's all well and good but nothing has changed.

There's nothing to stop either of you from starting up again and you two are still deceiving your spouses.

The post you wrote about being together with the man you've been cheating with but in an affair while still married still disturbs and unsettles me. It's so cruel and awful. Why wouldn't you just tell your husband and leave?

She didn't leave her husband because it was never her plan to leave him. Its never what she wanted.

She was deep, deep into the fantasy life she created with MM. To me this was clear when she wrote "I thought this could go on forever" meaning she wanted to maintain both her marriage and the affair. It was a perfect world for her. I guessing between the two she had the perfect man. Husband stable, loving, family man. MM exciting, unpredictable (because he is married), unavailable (which makes her want MORE) and void of the daily sh*t work that comes with raising a family.

I agree she has to tell her husband, just not now. One step at a time.

SBF, I will say this, after getting some distance and understand the pain this will cause your ENTIRE family, if you fall back into the affair its time to bit the bullet and come clean. At that point it will be clear that you can't stop on your own because the pain and damage isn't real for you.

August 13, 2015

As long as she keeps posting, we will get her there. I do agree that if you slip, it will be time to tell your husband.

Know where you are at. Know where you are going.

Give us the details of this "meeting"coming up.

Edited August 13, 2015 by 66Charger

August 13, 2015

Fair comments Worlds Edge.

I have blocked him off social media, am in NC with him, have thrown out all memories/gifts he gave me. I have deleted all pics and old emails. I have avoided things that triggers me of him (take a different route to work, etc). Am in IC.

No, I have not yet confessed. But he had a mini D-Day. He had to go underground, and no, I don't think he will be reaching out to me. In my mind, I'm preparing myself for an awkward, withdrawn, cold response when seeing him, not a restart to the A. I am using his NC and his d-day to give me more time in IC before i go MC with H and confess.

Your points are valid, just desire to be in MC before full disclosure.

August 13, 2015

She didn't leave her husband because it was never her plan to leave him. Its never what she wanted.

She was deep, deep into the fantasy life she created with MM. To me this was clear when she wrote "I thought this could go on forever" meaning she wanted to maintain both her marriage and the affair. It was a perfect world for her. I guessing between the two she had the perfect man. Husband stable, loving, family man. MM exciting, unpredictable (because he is married), unavailable (which makes her want MORE) and void of the daily sh*t work that comes with raising a family.

Yes, DKT3. The A was my "solution"...to many things

August 13, 2015

Fair comments Worlds Edge.

I have blocked him off social media, am in NC with him, have thrown out all memories/gifts he gave me. I have deleted all pics and old emails. I have avoided things that triggers me of him (take a different route to work, etc). Am in IC.

No, I have not yet confessed. But he had a mini D-Day. He had to go underground, and no, I don't think he will be reaching out to me. In my mind, I'm preparing myself for an awkward, withdrawn, cold response when seeing him, not a restart to the A. I am using his NC and his d-day to give me more time in IC before i go MC with H and confess.

Your points are valid, just desire to be in MC before full disclosure.

I don't know about that plan, in a way your trying to control your husbands reaction, that doesn't normally work well. On the other hand I think you kinda know how he will react. I'm guessing you believe the odds are high that he will leave.

The problem with your plan is he will feel even more played.

Four years is along time to go sexless. Is there fighting over it? What's the story there?

August 13, 2015

Yes, DKT3. The A was my "solution"...to many things

Come on SBF, it was no solution. And suggesting that suggests that it was your intent to start the affair.

No its how you justified the affair once you were in it. Poor boundaries, lack of respect, and taking your husband for granted is how you got involved in the affair. Seeing it as a solution to anything was an after affect to make it ok in your mind to continue.

August 13, 2015

DO NOT prepare for a cold awkward response. He did reach out to you. You should expect that he WILL try to talk to you warmly. Break you down and keep you waiting until the coast is clear.

PREPARE FOR THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU POSTED.

Be ready to block any advance. Assume it will come. Get yourself ready for this battle, because it is going to happen. When you sent the NC letter he made contact. Even if you havent replied, he knows he will see you in person and ask again.

Be ready for this. You will trigger and so will he. All that free sex. And you are in a sexless marriage? No, Shiningbrite, you need to take this a lot more seriously. You may not be able to duck the work plan, but you did get thru his breaking of NC, and you can get thru this.

Another day, another battle.

August 13, 2015

To be honest, I could care less about your H.

Any man who doesnt sex his wife for 4 years has abandoned her. Your A may have had a part in that, but come on now. 4 years of your affair is a long time

4 years of not having sex with your spouse is a long time also.

You are both wrong in this regard.

The time will come for you AND YOUR HUSBANDS confession.

Your first priority is to evict the MM. And evict the person inside of you that did this also.

You cannot control your husband, but you can control wether your future will ever consist of cheating again. Words will not answer that question. Deeds will.

Never think you can not have true love again, even if it is not with your husband.

Edited August 13, 2015 by 66Charger

August 13, 2015

DO NOT prepare for a cold awkward response. He did reach out to you. You should expect that he WILL try to talk to you warmly. Break you down and keep you waiting until the coast is clear.

PREPARE FOR THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT YOU POSTED.

Be ready to block any advance. Assume it will come. Get yourself ready for this battle, because it is going to happen. When you sent the NC letter he made contact. Even if you havent replied, he knows he will see you in person and ask again.

Be ready for this. You will trigger and so will he. All that free sex. And you are in a sexless marriage? No, Shiningbrite, you need to take this a lot more seriously. You may not be able to duck the work plan, but you did get thru his breaking of NC, and you can get thru this.

Another day, another battle.

ShineBrightforever: read the above comment from 66Charger carefully. I suggest you read it everyday till the day you see MM, do not underestimate that meeting with him. it will be a fight. I agree you should assume the worst and plan for it, we don't know anything about him he probably trying to forget about you too and doesn't know how and nobody helped him ( he is definitely not posting in LS ) but he can also be a 'Player" who knows how an easy target you can be.

prepare yourself for an emotional battle if you ever get a chance to talk to him face to face and he insisted he want to stir things up just refer him your last letter you sent

August 13, 2015

Come on SBF, it was no solution. And suggesting that suggests that it was your intent to start the affair.

No its how you justified the affair once you were in it. Poor boundaries, lack of respect, and taking your husband for granted is how you got involved in the affair. Seeing it as a solution to anything was an after affect to make it ok in your mind to continue.

it is not always black or white, we can argue about the boundaries and selfishness as part of the reasons and if you go back she even admited faults. but I believe that she really thought the A was a solution then when she was blinded by it, if you ask if she was wrong , absolutely. but it just didn't happen from nothing, her flaws and also circumstances had put her in a situation where she accepted her A as a solution

August 13, 2015

SB, may I respectfilly ask a few questions abour your husband.

Most of the info you have given is about the AP

Please be honest, since we are posters on a forum

Has it really been 4 years since you and your husband have neen intimate?

When was the last time that you talked about this issue with him

Has he tried and been rejected repeatedly, even years ago?

You wrote that you see each other only a hour or two a day. How long has that been going on?

I am not trying to shift any blame of the affair. And please dont give answers about the A or ap.

These questions are about the lack of sex with your husband and the lack of effort from EITHER Of YOU to try to fix something so fundamentaly wrong.

1 month without sex with my woman. Questions.

2 months? I am digging.

6 months, divorce is on the table.

1 year? 2 years? 3 , 4?

WTF?

Edited August 13, 2015 by 66Charger

August 13, 2015

it is not always black or white, we can argue about the boundaries and selfishness as part of the reasons and if you go back she even admited faults. but I believe that she really thought the A was a solution then when she was blinded by it, if you ask if she was wrong , absolutely. but it just didn't happen from nothing, her flaws and also circumstances had put her in a situation where she accepted her A as a solution

Accepting the affair as a solution can't happen before she is in the affair if she never though about having the affair.

What most likely happened is MM turned on the charm lightly and slowly sucked her in while she thought she had it all under control and would never go there in terms of actually cheating. She enjoyed the flirty banter and thought she could limit it to that, until she couldn't.

Had she thought about the affair being a solutions to her marriage before that, she would be saying she never expected she would be here.

August 13, 2015

SB, may I respectfilly ask a few questions abour your husband.
Most of the info you have given is about the AP
Please be honest, since we are posters on a forum

Has it really been 4 years since you and your husband have neen intimate?
When was the last time that you talked about this issue with him
Has he tried and been rejected repeatedly, even years ago?
You wrote that you see each other only a hour or two a day. How long has that been going on?
I am not trying to shift any blame of the affair. And please dont give answers about the A or ap.

These questions are about the lack of sex with your husband and the lack of effort from EITHER Of YOU to try to fix something so fundamentaly wrong.

1 month without sex with my woman. Questions.
2 months? I am digging.
6 months, divorce is on the table.
1 year? 2 years? 3 , 4?

WTF?

Its the same questions I asked, I think her answers will be telling. I'm guessing there was fighting over the lack of sex.

I'm also guessing that her husband is also involved, I think she knows it as well and has forced herself not to think about were or how he gets his sexual needs fulfilled.

Now, we can help SBF without shifting blame of her affair on her husband. Which is what's going on in these last few posts. He has to own his affair(s), pretty confident he is having or had one, and she has to own hers. SBF HAS NOT blameshifted her affairs we don't need to do it for her, it doesn't help her in the long run.

August 13, 2015

Accepting the affair as a solution can't happen before she is in the affair if she never though about having the affair.

What most likely happened is MM turned on the charm lightly and slowly sucked her in while she thought she had it all under control and would never go there in terms of actually cheating. She enjoyed the flirty banter and thought she could limit it to that, until she couldn't.

Had she thought about the affair being a solutions to her marriage before that, she would be saying she never expected she would be here.

these are the "circumstances" that led the A in addition to her confusion and bit of selfishness had put her in a cloud where she saw the A as the only way she can see the light, she called it "solution". in many A cases the cheaters run from themselves to who they perceive to be a happy version of themselves until they realize that the real harsh truth that the real themselves is still there suffering

August 13, 2015

There is no blameshifting here. That is your opinion and my question was to Shiningbrite. With what is about to go down (contact) Focusing on her why she did this and her reasons for the A, is in my view, untimely. If there is nothing to save of her marriage, then there isnt. It also clearly addresses wether she is afraid of her husbands response. Why should she be?

It is ridiculous to expect fidelity after a 4 year of no sex.

Edited August 13, 2015 by 66Charger

August 13, 2015

There is no blameshifting here. That is your opinion and my question was to Shiningbrite. With what is about to go down (contact) Focusing on her why she did this and her reasons for the A, is in my view, untimely. If there is nothing to save of her marriage, then there isnt. It also clearly addresses wether she is afraid of her husbands response. Why should she be?

It is ridiculous to expect fidelity after a 4 year of no sex.

it is impossible to expect fidelity after 4 years of no sex, there has to be a problem, hopefully Shinebrightforever and her H can figure it out then decide whether to work on it or not as of right now she needs to focus on her moving on from the A

August 13, 2015

There is no blameshifting here. That is your opinion and my question was to Shiningbrite. With what is about to go down (contact) Focusing on her why she did this and her reasons for the A, is in my view, untimely. If there is nothing to save of her marriage, then there isnt. It also clearly addresses wether she is afraid of her husbands response. Why should she be?

It is ridiculous to expect fidelity after a 4 year of no sex.

There is a lot of blameshifting..

I'm not disagreeing in general. What I'm saying is saying that its ridiculous to expect fidelity after four years is blameshifting. Why? Because its being assumed that its because of BH that there is no sex. I don't think so. Maybe I'm wrong but some of her comments early in this thread suggests that its her who cut of the sex. Saying that MM feels more like her husband would give her some level of guilt with being sexual with her husband. Also the fact the her marriage has been sexless the entire length of her affair suggests its her.

This is her issue as well, making it sound like her husband abandoned her is, well crazy and again blameshifting.

August 14, 2015

Once again that is your opinion. Clearly, my point was if my SO withdrew sex after a very short period of time, divorce would be not only on the table, but done. Either he is the ultimate doormat, since her behavior was hardly discrete or he simply was otherwise occupied. You either fight this sexless battle or you say f it and abandon the fight. Focus on a word if you wish. But 4 years?

Nevertheless lets call it blameshifting. But if it is then the shift is to BOTH OF THEM. Where it probaly belongs.

War if you want, and call my statements crazy, but since the answers are not as important than the current state of affairs, the questions are withdrawn.

The focus on reconciling, or her whys, solutions and justifications and such are ludicrous given that a TRAIN is barrelling down and she is standing right in the middle of the tracks. Do as you wish SB, but I suggest you think less about reconcilling or Affair "solutions" AT THIS MOMENT and more about that train called CONTACT that is coming in the next 2 weeks

Edited August 14, 2015 by 66Charger

August 14, 2015

GGThanks everyone. Here's the story...as open as I can be on a public forum. If you're taking the time to weigh in and comment, I'll do my best to explain how we got here:

hroughout college, my young adult life etc. I wanted to be the kind of girl that never shared that part of me with just anyone. So, by choice, my H was the only man I had intercourse with. I messed around, but wouldn't ever share myself fully with anyone but my Future H. That was just super important to me.

I am a very sensual, passionate, feminine woman. When me and my H were engaged, we had sex at least once a day, if not more. Same for the beginning of our marriage...when kids came, it lessened, but was still mostly instigated by me. He would brag to his friends about how much I wanted it and how good it was...(guy talk)

Enter a full time career, three busy adolescents, and our sex life dropped more. But not gone. 5-6 years ago, i found questionable online activity from H...it was homosexual in nature. He said it meant nothing...just was curious...blah blah. But found it more times. Sex life started to strain more. When sex came...it was different, robotic.

Over the next year, H said/did more concerning things. Asked for different things in the bedroom that I didn't feel appreciated my feminin body. Said the statement that if we ever D, he will retire with his male friend and added...non-practicing of course. Sex life started to die.

Over these last years, we have tried to reinstate intimacy. Kissing, cuddling, and even intercourse. It's awful. We have lost something we used to have. In the last years, if we had full sex, we were drinking. We haven't even kissed in years.

We have shoved our heads in the ground. Plugged our ears, shut our eyes, stuffed all emotion down very deep, very deep. He could prob name my A partner if he had to...and if I had to...I could name his. His....just happens to be a male as well. One he spends time with.

Yes this is messed up. If our families weren't so against D, we prob would have done it by now. We have talked about it. My A partner is only the 2nd man I have been with fully. He became...my solution to getting deep needs met. He helped me remain in my marriage in a weird way.

Feel free to all weigh in with a "wtf".....

Edited August 14, 2015 by Shinebrightforever

August 14, 2015

GThanks everyone. Here's the story...as open as I can be on a public forum. If you're taking the time to weigh in and comment, I'll do my best to explain how we got here:

hroughout college, my young adult life etc. I wanted to be the kind of girl that never shared that part of me with just anyone. So, by choice, my H was the only man I had intercourse with. I messed around, but wouldn't ever share myself fully with anyone but my H.

I am a very sensual, passionate, feminine woman. When me and my H were dating, we had sex at least once a day, if not more. Same for the beginning of our marriage...when kids came, it lessened, but was still mostly instigated by me. He would brag to his friends about how much I wanted it and how good it was...(guy talk)

Enter a full time career, three busy adolescents, and our sex life dropped more. But not gone. 5-6 years ago, i found questionable online activity from H...it was homosexual in nature. He said it meant nothing...just was curious...blah blah. But found it more times. Sex life started to strain more. When sex came...it was different, robotic.

Over the next year, H said/did more concerning things. Asked for different things in the bedroom that I didn't feel appreciated my feminin body. Said the statement that if we ever D, he will retire with his male friend and added...non-practicing of course. Sex life started to die.

Over these last years, we have tried to reinstate intimacy. Kissing, cuddling, and even intercourse. It's awful. We have lost something we used to have. In the last years, if we had full sex, we were drinking. We haven't even kissed in years.

We have shoved our heads in the ground. Plugged our ears, shut our eyes, stuffed all emotion down very deep, very deep. He could prob name my A partner if he had to...and if I had to...I could name his. His....just happens to be a male as well. One he spends time with.

Yes this is messed up. If our families weren't so against D, we prob would have done it by now. We have talked about it. My A partner is only the 2nd man I have been with fully. He became...my solution to getting deep needs met. He helped me remain in my marriage in a weird way.

Feel free to all weigh in with a "wtf".....

Its not so shocking, your husband maybe bi sexual (gay). It changes the conversation and opens up other options but there still needs to be a conversation. Maybe an open marriage? I think in this case it can work since your both not willing to divorce and clearly not sexually on the same page.

Hey there is no shame for you, you aren't the reason your husband is intereseted in men.

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Random vents by OW...sorry

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