Best way to handle still angry BS?

[Lovemesomehim]

Nope. I am more than willing to accept my share of the blame and take accountability for my actions. He is as well. She knows we were involved in an EA for several years while they were married and has literally begged us NOT to tell her if it was physical. To her, it does not matter. So yes, she is aware, to the extent that SHE chooses to be.

 

My intention was NEVER to come here and paint her to be irrational or a nuisance. It was and is absolutely a sincere question. I have NO interest in causing her any additional pain and I am deeply sorry for the pain I have caused her thus far. My focus at this point is moving forward in the best possible way for everyone involved. I cannot go back and undue my actions. I can only try to minimize any additional hurt going forward.

 

Well if you are willing to accept your part in her pain then accept the fact first that she has pain. Despite the fact that you would like to forget the betrayal her husband caused her for all those years, it's not happening. The woman is hurt and rightfully so. Her husband had a long affair and left her for another woman. No matter how you look at it. No matter how you are focusing on moving forward, your happiness brought another person pain. Her husband is arrogant and cruel for his behavior towards the mother of his children. If his first obligation was to shield the children from unnecessary pain, he has done a poor piss a**job. One day those children will grow up and realize all the pain he caused their mom.

You can move forward but that type of pain is hard to forget.

[daisygirl19]

daisygirl19 - I've read a few of your posts and it seems as though you and I have some similarities. I don't expect anyone to have any sympathy for me. I married my exMM, his x-wife is still very upset years later. The kids are affected by it. I also face the challenge of growing and nurturing a relationship that started with lies and deceit. Anyway, like I said, its hard to post and get any support or advice since what I did was so terribly wrong. I hope things are improving for you.

 

Thank you.

[SolG]

Daisy I'm a firm believer that marriages end, but families don't. You may divorce a spouse, but you do not divorce yourself from the parent of your children. (If you see the distinction.) Others may beg to differ, but I do not see it as effective or healthy to reduce the R between coparents to transactional interractions confined in topic to the children. Despite separation/divorce, I see it as a reciprocal responsibilty for both to help and support each other; to promote each other's wellbeing in pursuit of the wellbeing of the new expression of their family.

 

You are now part of a larger family system where the actions (or inactions) of one party will inevitably reverberate and inextricably affect the others. This was true from the moment your A started, and will be so as long as you and your MM remain in a relationship. As an integral part of this system, in line with what I wrote above, IMO you should be supporting your MM in his responsibility of supporting his xW/mother of his children in the context of their new R. I think this needs to come first before all else.

 

Of course the A and the manner of the M ending is done and can't be undone. But he can express remorse and offer restorative reparation; he can accept and understand her pain and responsibility the part he played in it. He can seek to understand what it is that she needs to move forward and undertake to help. And hopefully vice versa. This is SO much more than: You hurt me, I'm sorry. And in no way implies acquiescence to unreasonable demands (which are actually less likely where understanding and compassion exist).

 

You mention that parties various are receiving counselling. Is this cohesive? Is it geared towards you collectively understanding each other and moving forward in the best way possible as a system? Many couples today utilise exit-MC with complementary family therapy to end things as healthily as they can. Has your MM and his xW pursued this? Have they as an erstwhile married couple taken the time to mourn what they once were, and what his W in particular believed they may in the future have potentially been, and understand its demise? It actually doesn't bode well for any party's future R here if this hasn't been done.

 

True empathy comes from real understanding. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems like you are all a bit of a way yet from that.

Edited August 11, 2015 by SolG

[Artie Lang]

OP, i see you really trying to make this work in the best possible way, but if i may ask where is her x-husband in all this? what is he doing to make it a smooth transition for all involved? correct me if i'm wrong but he seems to be letting you and his BS sort all this out. in my opinion, he needs to MAN-UP and take charge of this situation he put ALL of you in, not hide under your skirt.

 

 

and i do agree that the double-whammy was that all of knew each other prior to the affair. she's probably thinking "how long was this really going on... she(meaning, you) was smiling to my face while backstabbing me all along." can you really blame her why she's seething right now. again, the coward in all this is her x-husband... your new SO. if his marriage was deteriorating as he claims why didn't he get divorced before starting an affair with you? again, this all lies before his feet... make no mistake about it. her anger is quite misdirected... he's the one who initiated this spiraling of events, and in turn he needs to find a solution.

 

 

my $0.02

[Civil]

I've seen this scenario.

 

A brother and sister in our school. Their mom took them, left and divorced their father. They were stunned and hurt, but coping.

 

Then another family in the school was broken up by an acrimonious divorce. This time, the dad left the mother and three kids.

 

When this mom and this dad went public as a newly reconfigured couple, everyone in the school community connected the dots.

 

Everyone knew everyone and knew what had gone on. The children figured it out. They knew that there was a BS and that the divorce was fresh. The children of the OW and the WM had to cross paths in class, in the lunchroom, the locker room, the band, community work, festival booths... The children of the APs with the children whose mother was betrayed.

 

The OW's daughter said going to school was dreaded every day. Faculty, parents and students were all on the spot, at best watchful and uncomfortable. And some kids were cruel. Things improved only somewhat when the BS removed her kids. The atmosphere was just so tainted. The girl's anxiety escalated until she was physically ill.

 

Twenty years later, her brother was suffering acute depression, and she teared up when she brought up her father and that period. But she was doing a good job of managing her anxiety disorders and had a polite if distant relationship with her mother and stepfather. His kids were never mentioned, not in the picture, even at her wedding.

 

If one is a rational, reality-based adults with a basic understanding of care and responsibility, one cannot choose this kind of ongoing, repeated deceit and betrayal inside their own children's already vulnerable social and academic arena without knowing that they're raining misery and humiliation down on the kids.

 

It can't be done. You can't be a good parents and do this. Move.

[Arieswoman]

If one is a rational, reality-based adults with a basic understanding of care and responsibility, one cannot choose this kind of ongoing, repeated deceit and betrayal inside their own children's already vulnerable social and academic arena without knowing that they're raining misery and humiliation down on the kids.

 

It can't be done. You can't be a good parents and do this. Move.

 

^^^ this x 10000

 

Kids don't ask to be born and they owe you nothing, but you owe them everything OP.

[daisygirl19]

I've seen this scenario.

 

A brother and sister in our school. Their mom took them, left and divorced their father. They were stunned and hurt, but coping.

 

Then another family in the school was broken up by an acrimonious divorce. This time, the dad left the mother and three kids.

 

When this mom and this dad went public as a newly reconfigured couple, everyone in the school community connected the dots.

 

Everyone knew everyone and knew what had gone on. The children figured it out. They knew that there was a BS and that the divorce was fresh. The children of the OW and the WM had to cross paths in class, in the lunchroom, the locker room, the band, community work, festival booths... The children of the APs with the children whose mother was betrayed.

 

The OW's daughter said going to school was dreaded every day. Faculty, parents and students were all on the spot, at best watchful and uncomfortable. And some kids were cruel. Things improved only somewhat when the BS removed her kids. The atmosphere was just so tainted. The girl's anxiety escalated until she was physically ill.

 

Twenty years later, her brother was suffering acute depression, and she teared up when she brought up her father and that period. But she was doing a good job of managing her anxiety disorders and had a polite if distant relationship with her mother and stepfather. His kids were never mentioned, not in the picture, even at her wedding.

 

If one is a rational, reality-based adults with a basic understanding of care and responsibility, one cannot choose this kind of ongoing, repeated deceit and betrayal inside their own children's already vulnerable social and academic arena without knowing that they're raining misery and humiliation down on the kids.

 

It can't be done. You can't be a good parents and do this. Move.

 

This is one scenario. We're doing everything in our power not to make this the reality for our kids. So far, so good...

 

I fear that it would be FAR more harmful, at this point, to separate our kids and make them change schools.

[truncated]

I've seen this scenario.

 

A brother and sister in our school. Their mom took them, left and divorced their father. They were stunned and hurt, but coping.

 

Then another family in the school was broken up by an acrimonious divorce. This time, the dad left the mother and three kids.

 

When this mom and this dad went public as a newly reconfigured couple, everyone in the school community connected the dots.

 

Everyone knew everyone and knew what had gone on. The children figured it out. They knew that there was a BS and that the divorce was fresh. The children of the OW and the WM had to cross paths in class, in the lunchroom, the locker room, the band, community work, festival booths... The children of the APs with the children whose mother was betrayed.

 

The OW's daughter said going to school was dreaded every day. Faculty, parents and students were all on the spot, at best watchful and uncomfortable. And some kids were cruel. Things improved only somewhat when the BS removed her kids. The atmosphere was just so tainted. The girl's anxiety escalated until she was physically ill.

 

Twenty years later, her brother was suffering acute depression, and she teared up when she brought up her father and that period. But she was doing a good job of managing her anxiety disorders and had a polite if distant relationship with her mother and stepfather. His kids were never mentioned, not in the picture, even at her wedding.

 

If one is a rational, reality-based adults with a basic understanding of care and responsibility, one cannot choose this kind of ongoing, repeated deceit and betrayal inside their own children's already vulnerable social and academic arena without knowing that they're raining misery and humiliation down on the kids.

 

It can't be done. You can't be a good parents and do this. Move.

 

 

The kids shouldn't have to pay the price for the adults actions.

 

Op,

is there any way that either you or he could move just far enough away that the kids could go to a different school? That way, they could still see tehir friends they have now, but start fresh in a new school without any of this extra baggage?

 

While starting at a new school isn't easy, it may be better than spending the next few years of their lives being gossiped about. Kids can be very cruel and hurtful.

[daisygirl19]

The kids shouldn't have to pay the price for the adults actions.

 

Op,

is there any way that either you or he could move just far enough away that the kids could go to a different school? That way, they could still see tehir friends they have now, but start fresh in a new school without any of this extra baggage?

 

While starting at a new school isn't easy, it may be better than spending the next few years of their lives being gossiped about. Kids can be very cruel and hurtful.

 

After my divorce, I moved out of our small town, but just 15 minutes away in the same school district. My oldest was about to enter middle school and didn't want to change. As a result of the move, my younger daughter was set to attend a different elementary school within the district. However, in June of that year, they closed the school our children previously attended together and redistricted, which resulted in our kids attending the same elementary school. Nothing I can do about that, it was completely unforeseen. I can't keep uprooting my kids and compromising their education and social comfort levels to avoid her. This is a large district, there are over 2600 kids in our middle school alone. Clearly, there has to be a way to co-exist?

[daisygirl19]

After my divorce, I moved out of our small town, but just 15 minutes away in the same school district. My oldest was about to enter middle school and didn't want to change. As a result of the move, my younger daughter was set to attend a different elementary school within the district. However, in June of that year, they closed the school our children previously attended together and redistricted, which resulted in our kids attending the same elementary school. Nothing I can do about that, it was completely unforeseen. I can't keep uprooting my kids and compromising their education and social comfort levels to avoid her. This is a large district, there are over 2600 kids in our middle school alone. Clearly, there has to be a way to co-exist?

 

Also, he lives 15 minutes away from her as well, in the opposite direction as me. The kids are registered at her address, where they always have been. There is no way she will change their schools at this point with her son just about to enter middle school.

[sandylee1]

Maybe once the BW gets into a new relationship, it won't bother her so much. I can't see how it will be happy families anytime soon and even if she calms down for a bit, anything could trigger and make her become unpredictable.

 

A new man will distract her, but unfortunately, that's something she needs to recognise and take care of herself.

 

I personally think there's too much unecessary contact between the two of you. I can't imagine wanting to speak to my WHs OW about anything at all. She should just prepare herself for the fact that you could be at every dance or game and get on with it or relocate, if she can't cope. I think it's much worse having to contact you and arrange how to avoid each other.

[minimariah]

This is one scenario. We're doing everything in our power not to make this the reality for our kids. So far, so good...

 

I fear that it would be FAR more harmful, at this point, to separate our kids and make them change schools.

 

definitely.

 

children's lives need to stay as normal as they possibly can and if they are handling the situation well for now and show 0 signs of distress - they should continue with the same life routine.

[amomwhoknows]

I have asked this before-- if she wants to relocate would he stop her? Say 30 minutes to an hour away into a different school district? It doesn't sound like that is where her head is now, but it may be eventually.

 

It isn't easy to find another relationship, so you certainly can't count on that happening anytime soon.

 

It is a shame about the elementary school closing. Is there another ES in your district that you might be able to opt into through school choice or administrative transfer.

 

This is advice from my neighbor --If you are empathetic you need to find a way to separate your life from hers. Otherwise, the bitterness she feels will not just spill onto their children but into the general community as well. That is why my neighbor left the community pool after it became clear she was causing such pain. (And frankly, my neighbor isn't the nicest person.) She realized that she owed it to HIS children to try to make sure their mother could find some kind of peace. And things were being said at the pool that she didn't want her kids to hear and she didn't really want to either. (their affair began at the pool)

 

You cannot simply expect her to get over it. (and this is not just from me, but from my neighbor) And if her husband is expecting her to just get over it, that should worry you. Figuring out how to give her real meaningful space would be a kind thing to do.

[Got it]

In the first few years I avoided his ex wife because it wasn't worth it. She did similar towards him what you are dealing with and my husband was sympathetic to a point, then ignored, and then engaged a father's right attorney and laid out what would happen if the behavior continued. That was the biggest impact that changed things.

 

Things were better when she dates/has a boyfriend, but it would come back on strong when they broke up. My husband became the general whipping boy for everything bad in life.

 

Now, years later, everything is settled down and everyone co-exists without drama.

 

I think there are boundaries on sympathy for inappropriate behavior by any party. There are no carte blanches that excuse poor behavior.

[velvette]

I guess I view this differently than most of the OW who have ended up married to their A partners.

 

 

When you are in an A, you are the ones who have violated the rules of social engagement.

 

 

So, I see it as incumbent on the people in the A to make the sacrifices that are necessary for blended families to coexist peacefully.

 

 

That's what my H and I did and as a result we never had drama with his ex or his children. So, were there times when we missed out on things we would have like to be a part of? Yes. But, not that many. And, in the end we forged our own relationship with his children that worked and by taking the high road, they are aware that it is there mother who prevents something more comfortable for them. I would never nor would my H put his children in the position where they have to feel uncomfortable because of forced interactions with their mother.

 

 

Daisy needs to figure out a way imo to give this woman the widest possible space from her.

 

 

I don't see Daisy really willing to compromise on much of anything. That's her choice, but I think it will eventually come back to bite her.

[minimariah]

This is advice from my neighbor --If you are empathetic you need to find a way to separate your life from hers.

 

i'll offer a different perspective (i'm a BS who, basically, got dumped for the OW) -- for ME (just speaking from my own experience)... being faced with the situation actually had helped me to move on faster. being faced with the fact that this woman was now a part of my kid's life & really isn't going anywhere (and so a part of my life, too) - had helped me to finally ACCEPT the situation and move on. now... do not get me wrong - my xH and his AP weren't all in my face & we did come up with some kind of agreement about who will show up where with whom - but we didn't vanish from each other's lives and we certainly didn't move away or changed schools.

 

was it painful...? sure. it was like i was repeatedly stabbed every single time i saw him, her or the two of them together. it was painful... the first time i saw them, the second, the fifth, the tenth... but you know what? the pain eventually completely vanished. when i saw them for like 100000th time - i felt nothing. why? because i simply had no other choice but to accept what i cannot change and play those cards i did have the best way i can. again, this is just my experience and i realize it's not that easy for many others -- but i think moving away and RUNNING from the reality won't really help either.

 

to offer the BS some free space to heal? sure. absolutely. but that can be done without affecting the kids and doing major changes such as getting another place to live.

 

i also disagree that it's impossible for the BS to move on when the APs are "in her face" - at one point, moving on becomes a personal issue. if you're stuck at one spot and not moving when enough time has passed - that becomes a personal problem of not coping well enough, not a problem of others.

 

yes, the OP & her partner made some huge mistakes and caused pain. but that's a done deal. and it needs to be accepted and you gotta move on from that point. no, the APs shouldn't do EVERYTHING to make it easier on the BS - they should make it easier for the KIDS. the BS is responsible for her own healing, that's just how it goes.

 

and from the OP's posts - it actually seems like their lives are separate enough. they see each other here and there but the OP has kids too! - kids she puts on #1 and she shouldn't & won't stop going to their softball games so the BS could heal, come on.

 

again - to offer the BS healing space? sure. i think the OP is already doing that. everything else? moving to another town, CHANGING SCHOOLS when the children are WELL adapted and have no issues? that's a stretch.

 

at the end of the day - my personal opinion is that the BS is hurt MOSTLY by her ex-husband and his dismissive tone. she might be directing that to the OW, but it's the ex-husband's rudeish behavior that's really upsetting her and causing her to lash out. i find that THAT hurts the most - to see your ex lover not caring for your feelings AT ALL. and then you remember that the same lover is caring for someone else's feelings the way you wish they (still) cared for you. it's a hard pill to swallow & how and IF you'll deal with that...? ultimately, that's only on you. the APs can help you and make the situation easier - but they can't change their entire lives and the kids lives just to help the BS heal. it's just not the way it goes.

Edited August 13, 2015 by minimariah

[minimariah]

I have asked this before-- if she wants to relocate would he stop her? Say 30 minutes to an hour away into a different school district? It doesn't sound like that is where her head is now, but it may be eventually.

 

because it will probably affect their custody arrangement & the time they spend with their dad, especially if they have 50:50 of the time type of seeing schedule. not to mention that you never know HOW will the kids adapt to a new school and new district.

 

it's been over a year - the kids are well, good and there is no rumours or harrassing type of gossip for now. so why interrupting the kids lives by moving them an hour away? if the kids are WELL behaved and coping well -- why would you move them?

Edited August 13, 2015 by minimariah

[daisygirl19]

I have asked this before-- if she wants to relocate would he stop her? Say 30 minutes to an hour away into a different school district? It doesn't sound like that is where her head is now, but it may be eventually.

 

It isn't easy to find another relationship, so you certainly can't count on that happening anytime soon.

 

It is a shame about the elementary school closing. Is there another ES in your district that you might be able to opt into through school choice or administrative transfer.

 

This is advice from my neighbor --If you are empathetic you need to find a way to separate your life from hers. Otherwise, the bitterness she feels will not just spill onto their children but into the general community as well. That is why my neighbor left the community pool after it became clear she was causing such pain. (And frankly, my neighbor isn't the nicest person.) She realized that she owed it to HIS children to try to make sure their mother could find some kind of peace. And things were being said at the pool that she didn't want her kids to hear and she didn't really want to either. (their affair began at the pool)

 

You cannot simply expect her to get over it. (and this is not just from me, but from my neighbor) And if her husband is expecting her to just get over it, that should worry you. Figuring out how to give her real meaningful space would be a kind thing to do.

 

No, he would not stop her, if it was in the best interest of the kids. I am not very concerned about the community aspect of things. The things that do come up (conversations as the pool, her asking that my child not be included in birthday parties and other events, all stem directly from her, and most people simply refuse to be involved). I am no longer living in the community, and have mostly stayed away from anyone that is a mutual acquaintance of ours. Honestly, they've been separated for well over a year and the community is aware of it. Any initial fallout or speculation about he and I died down long ago. The only time it comes up is when she initiates it.

 

I in no way expect her to "get over it", nor does he. I feel like I have done a lot to aid her in staying out of her way, but there are certainly things that directly involve my kids that I am not willing to concede on.

 

In terms of she and I and our interaction, it has mostly ceased. She doesn't want to talk to me directly anymore, which is fine by me, and he refuses to act as a go between when she demands he tell me that I need to stay away or not look at her or speak to her in public. I am respectful of her in public, but it's kind of a double edged sword. She will tell him she wants me to keep my distance from her, which I do. But then she will call and ask him why I can't even be nice and say hello to her?? Not sure what I can do about that...

[amomwhoknows]

Mini, I am on my phone so I can't really quote.

 

Keep in mind that the original posters and her affair partner haven't gone public with their relationship. So the gossip hasn't started. In my neighbors case, the gossip was pretty brutal. So much so that her daughter, bright and well-adjusted girl, asked to change schools.

 

The move may be necessary. And our neighbors case the affair was conducted between two people in the same neighborhood. It was lots of discomfort for the children, frankly sometimes more so than for my neighbor who had the affair because she simply didn't attend events. The The couple that had the affair, once they were together, change their social circle entirely. Their children didn't have that luxury.

 

I think the problem in this case is that their lives overlap so much and that the OP can't figure out a way to separate.

 

Clearly, at the end of the day, how did the trade spouse heels is on her. But if she struggling at this time, it is up to the OP and frankly much more so to her ex-husband to try to be empathetic enough to figure something out.

 

Second marriages with children end at a shockingly high rate. Trying to have some kind of healthy healing before proceeding with the relationship is probably a wise step.

[daisygirl19]

at the end of the day - my personal opinion is that the BS is hurt MOSTLY by her ex-husband and his dismissive tone. she might be directing that to the OW, but it's the ex-husband's rudeish behavior that's really upsetting her and causing her to lash out. i find that THAT hurts the most - to see your ex lover not caring for your feelings AT ALL. and then you remember that the same lover is caring for someone else's feelings the way you wish they (still) cared for you. it's a hard pill to swallow & how and IF you'll deal with that...? ultimately, that's only on you. the APs can help you and make the situation easier - but they can't change their entire lives and the kids lives just to help the BS heal. it's just not the way it goes.

 

I think you make a really good point about that being a hard pill to swallow. I can understand how painful that could be. Especially for her, because I think it's just the way she is wired. As an example (NOT bashing her here), I remember an incident about 4-5 years ago where he sent his daughter an invitation in the mail (they were still together at this point) for a daddy/daughter date to go roller skating. He was super excited about it. Went all out designing the invite and his daughter was beyond excited. She was FURIOUS. I remember her talking about it at the time and how unfair it was that he didn't include her. It wasn't his intention to not include her, he simply thought it would be something nice to do with his daughter. So I guess I can kind of see how much worse it would be for her to think of things he is doing for me or with me that didn't include her, or things he didn't do for her towards the end of their marriage.

 

I don't think he has been at all dismissive. If anything, I think it's been the complete opposite, but that's between them and I stay out of it completely. He's simply gotten to the point where having daily conversations with her about the demise of their marriage, the things that contributed to it (and they're not just limited to me), who he's with, where he is (when he doesn't have the kids), etc. were making things so much worse, for her. They went to counseling over this together and he has addressed it with his therapist as well. All parties suggested he take a harder line and stop engaging in these conversations because they really were making things so much worse for her. Three, six months into the separation, fine. I understood her need to rehash everything over and over again. But after 18 months? There's just no benefit at this point. It helps no one.

[daisygirl19]

Mini, I am on my phone so I can't really quote.

 

Keep in mind that the original posters and her affair partner haven't gone public with their relationship. So the gossip hasn't started. In my neighbors case, the gossip was pretty brutal. So much so that her daughter, bright and well-adjusted girl, asked to change schools.

 

The move may be necessary. And our neighbors case the affair was conducted between two people in the same neighborhood. It was lots of discomfort for the children, frankly sometimes more so than for my neighbor who had the affair because she simply didn't attend events. The The couple that had the affair, once they were together, change their social circle entirely. Their children didn't have that luxury.

 

I think the problem in this case is that their lives overlap so much and that the OP can't figure out a way to separate.

 

Clearly, at the end of the day, how did the trade spouse heels is on her. But if she struggling at this time, it is up to the OP and frankly much more so to her ex-husband to try to be empathetic enough to figure something out.

 

Second marriages with children end at a shockingly high rate. Trying to have some kind of healthy healing before proceeding with the relationship is probably a wise step.

 

While we haven't gone public about our relationship, it's pretty much common knowledge. We were seen together all the time, even when they were married. It was never at all unusual for us to be at a school event or sports event and have someone ask ME where he was, not her. I know that she has told people in the community that we are together. She says she felt it was her right to do. My concern is that she doesn't want the kids to know at this point, so I am worried that they could inadvertently hear something.

 

As an aside/update...my kids came across a picture in my phone of us together (with other people). My middle daughter asked if we were dating and I answered honestly. Her response was "cool". So, as of now, my kids know we are dating. His son has been asking him frequently when he will start dating and what he does on the weekends they're not with him. Last weekend, he told them and he spends time with friends and asked how how he felt about him starting to date. His son's response was "I don't care. What about Amy? Do you think you will date her? That would be cool". So again, I don't have any major concerns about our kids at this point.

[minimariah]

Keep in mind that the original posters and her affair partner haven't gone public with their relationship. So the gossip hasn't started.

 

it's been well over a year since the separation & the divorce - the BS knows about the affair. all of that being said, even if the OP & her partner are still "in the closet" - i'm pretty sure the community already knows. & sure there will be gossip... will it become so mean & nasty that it will actually REACH the kids? probably not.

 

the OP's community doesn't have to be as vile as your neighbour's - what children hear and how they behave is the parent's responsibility. so if the community is filled with well balanced and reasonable folks - the kids won't even taunt the APs kids for the affair or their parents being together.

 

But if she struggling at this time, it is up to the OP and frankly much more so to her ex-husband to try to be empathetic enough to figure something out.

 

they already are -- well, the ex-husband could probably try a little harder. i already stated that i think his behaviour IS rude. but Daisy...? i truly think she's doing everything she can. she stays out of her way but folks on here lached onto that one chaperone incident as some kind of "proof" that she isn't ready to compromise. she already said she avoids the events and birthdays and stays away when asked to stay away. what more can she do?

 

& no, she shouldn't move away - or her children. like i said, giving space is one thing but interrupting your children's lives and your life so someone else can move on? that doesn't work out in real life, c'mon.

 

Trying to have some kind of healthy healing before proceeding with the relationship is probably a wise step.

 

i assume they already did their share of moving on, counseling, healing... whatever. they can only do so much, why expect them to adapt their entire lives and future to someone else's pain? wanting to "punish them" & expecting them to slave away under the BSs feet just isn't realistic.

Edited August 13, 2015 by minimariah

[usernametaken]

While we haven't gone public about our relationship, it's pretty much common knowledge. We were seen together all the time, even when they were married. It was never at all unusual for us to be at a school event or sports event and have someone ask ME where he was, not her. I know that she has told people in the community that we are together. She says she felt it was her right to do. My concern is that she doesn't want the kids to know at this point, so I am worried that they could inadvertently hear something.

 

As an aside/update...my kids came across a picture in my phone of us together (with other people). My middle daughter asked if we were dating and I answered honestly. Her response was "cool". So, as of now, my kids know we are dating. His son has been asking him frequently when he will start dating and what he does on the weekends they're not with him. Last weekend, he told them and he spends time with friends and asked how how he felt about him starting to date. His son's response was "I don't care. What about Amy? Do you think you will date her? That would be cool". So again, I don't have any major concerns about our kids at this point.

 

It sounds like it's going ok, then, apart from the stbxw? How old are the kids again?

[goodyblue]

I am wondering if what some are thinking is dismissive on the part of the WS is really just him trying to distance himself.

 

And to be honest, when my h and I were dating, his ex would make snide remarks and my h told her it was not her business anymore. In fact, after so much verbal abuse on her part I finally told her he was no longer her husband to abuse. It was the only time I ever talked to her except when she freaked out at his apartment and my kids were there.

 

I think he is trying to let her know that he has his own life and that she needs to move on.

 

As for getting over it... time. That's all there is, really.

 

I wouldn't change schools, I wouldn't disrupt the kids and I wouldn't worry about the wagging tongues of neighbors. We come from a smallish town and nobody even cared. There were a few, like her family and a couple of her friends, but on the whole, we go out and are largely accepted by everyone. His business has not suffered in the least and I have met a lot of really great people.

 

It will be okay. Just try not to engage her. She is the only one that can move on for herself. Nobody can do it for her. My h's ex still lives with her parents, won't date, and is very, very bitter. But... she doesn't bother us, so really, there's nothing I can do about it, I've tried to move on as best I can and I feel bad that she is in the situation she is. Well, I feel bad for my part in it, but there comes a time (it's been years for us) that you just have to live your life and let her live hers, whatever she chooses that to be. I think my h's ex will be bitter forever. As for me, I plan to enjoy my life, enjoy my h and my kids, be grateful that we did some therapy to get things right in our heads and get our relationship on par with what it should be and move forward.

 

I am sorry, I know it sounds mean, I just don't have time to play a violin for my h's ex all day. I have a life. WE have a life.

 

Good luck OP

[daisygirl19]

It sounds like it's going ok, then, apart from the stbxw? How old are the kids again?

 

Yes. Mine are 12, 9 and 5. His are 11 and 9.