Short term affair - Cheater's perspective

[road]

Thank you for all the suggestions - I have been seeing a therapist on my own. We have an appointment tomorrow with our couples therapist to discuss the recent affair. I am very nervous that I will be judged by the therapist, my husband knows all the details however I want to help him work through his feelings and help us start to move on.

The main issue is that we live next door to this person and we sometimes see them. My husband feels like our house is tainted even though we were never in the house. We had just moved over a year ago and this is our dream home that we both love so much. I feel like for him to get over everything we will have to move. I am currently looking into hiring landscapers to put a privacy shrubs/trees in order to block the view into the neighbor's yard. I know this is a temporary fix but I am grasping for straws trying to help the situation.

 

 

 

 

OM man lives next door.

 

 

Forget the landscaper, get a realtor, sell and move far away. Your BH will never heal living next door to the OM.

[Artie Lang]

at this point only time, counseling, and your continued reassurances can help your husband.

 

is there any chance this guy will ever move out of his parents home? are they aware of the situation that transpired between you and their son?

[Artie Lang]

double post

Edited July 28, 2015 by Artie Lang

[lolablue17]

I do not have any of the text messages because I deleted them. He read all the texts in their entirety that were given to him by the ex-girlfriend. I have no reason to lie at this point but there was no oral sex or penetration. I don't see how it could be any worse so why wouldn't I just tell my husband? I think the reason nothing more happened is because the guy was fooling around with multiple chicks including me and also had a girlfriend. There were literally texts from 3 other girls that were identical to mine.

 

My advice: Stop "painting" the situation for your husband. Stop minimizing your actions.

 

In the beginning you said only that it was just kissing and some fondlings. These were your words. So it looks like a a small emotional stumble.

 

Then you said that you didn't have sex because you didn't have the chance.

 

Now you insists that "there were no oral sex or penetration". I can imagine a lot of SEX that fits to this definition. I can imagine tits crunching, groping hands all over yours and his body, i can imagine hand job, and "he fingering" you outside and inside your panties, i can imagine many many things... all of them make the words "only kissing and some fondlings" to look like a lie.

 

So if you want your husband to be able to start healing, stop minimizing your actions.

 

What you did is 100% cheating.

it was sex! Sex with clothing!

it was emotional!!

 

Admit it! tell him the worst, because now he doesn't trust you, not only what you did, he also doesn't trust your current words.

Edited July 29, 2015 by lolablue17

[MarkusM]

I cheated on my husband with one of our neighbors. It was mostly through text messages but we did see each other a handful of times. We mostly just kissed and some fondling but we never had sex. My husband found out because his ex-girlfriend came over to our house and showed him the text messages. We have been married almost 10 years and we have two young children, 6 and 2 years old. By the time my husband had found out we had already stopped talking/texting. Of course my husband didn't believe that but I have been constantly reassuring him and telling him every detail of the time I spent with the guy.

Of course my husband is devasted and wonders what he did wrong. The guy was a complete loser and is 34 years old and lives at home with his parents and works at a grocery store. My husband is a great guy and wonderful father however we have had issues in the past with intimacey and feeling close to one another. I didn't feel like I was getting attention from him and that is what the other guy gave me. He made me feel good about myself and it was exciting.

My husband and I have had problems in the past with money issues and we have been in couples counseling for about 2 1/2 months prior to this happening.

I want to know what i can do to help my husband heal from this so we can move forward without destroying our family. My husband and I have been intimate with each other a lot since he found out and we have been communicating with each other which I see as a good thing. I know we have a long road ahead of us and I will need to earn back his trust but I want to know what you suggest to make it easier for him.

I don't want him to feel less of a man or down on himself because it truely was my problem that I was feeling like I needed attention outside our marriage. If I would have communciated this with him then he would of had a chance to do something.

I don't want to become a statistic and right now my husband is only concerned about our kids growing up in a home without their mom and dad - he has not been able to tell me if he wants to work things out, but it could be too soon.

I know this is rambling but I am at a loss and wish I could take away the hurt I have caused to him.

Any suggestions/thoughts/ideas that can help us move through this and make us a stronger couple.

Much appreciated.

From the victim's point of view, I truly understand. This makes your restoration of trust difficult, but achievable.

My wife and I learned that for her to help me with my pain, she couldn't say she was sorry, enough.

With eye contact and the greatest heartfelt expression, here's some things I have felt I needed to hear from her on a regular basis to help my healing process:

"I can never tell you enough how sorry I am-

I let myself become flattered when I shouldn't have and I became caught-up in it-

This was never meant to displace our relationship in any way-

I love you and can't imagine us not being together-

I will do what ever it takes to restore your confidence and trust in me-

I promise never to compromise our relationship again-

I'll tell you if I ever receive those kind of text messages again, or any other kinds of contacts-

You mean things to me that I couldn't have with anyone else-"

 

 

Granted, your husband is going to have to want to offer absolute forgiveness... forgetting is a different matter entirely.

I was so glad to hear that your affair was not laced with any sexual exchange. That is an important detail in your favor.

I hope you can bear-up to the task ahead. Lots and lots of communication is important - as I said, 'heartfelt exchange' goes a long way to rebuilding trust.

Your situation is very fixable. I wish mine would have been as such!

 

 

Be careful not to over do it because it makes the man wonder 'Why hasn't she been like this to me all along...' and 'What's she got going on...' and 'Is she trying to throw me off?'

You have a big task ahead, but don't lose any of your self esteem. As long as you're honest, you're valuable. After all... you're the other half of the relationship!

Hoping All The Best

[cgiles]

I do not have any of the text messages because I deleted them.

 

So you knew those messages would create a bad outcome to your affairs.

 

When you deleted those message, what you was thinking about your husband ?

 

If it's a smartphone, get dr.fone ( there is a version for android and one for iphone ) and recover those messages.

 

And I agree with others, it's not the dream house anymore for your husband, it's the house his wife left during nights for cheat on him with the looser next door.

 

Imagine your husband cheats on you with a loser, how would be your ego each time you see this woman ?

 

You let this man put his tongue in your mouth, his hands touch you in an intimate way.

 

What your husband feels when he see him ?

[autumnnight]

OP, you can request the text records from your provider. I don't mean the record of all the numbers, but the actual named account holder can request the transcript of the texts. If you really want to reassure your H, then I would suggest getting those if he wants them.

 

Also, I assume he has all passwords, you have location enabled on your phone, he always knows your whereabouts, etc.?

[Spectre]

See you put your husband in a really really awkward position. First off, you can't even be trusted to be left home alone now or to go run errands. You basically can't be trusted to do anything.

 

You say you never had sex because there was never an opportunity. Which tells me you would of screwed this guy if you'd been given the chance. That is all that needs to be said here about the respect and love you have for your husband.

 

You think moving will help, but it won't because just knowing he had to uproot his life and the lives of your kids because of your actions is still going to piss him off. Having to deal with movers and real estate and finding a new home, etc. is all going to trigger him just as much as staying.

 

You've basically more or less trapped this poor man into a relationship. He clearly doesn't want the kids to grow up with no father..so he probably will stay with you..never being able to trust you to be by yourself ever again, even if you do move..are you going to move to a place with no neighbors? Or no male neighbors? What about your kids? How will uprooting the family affect THEM? If your husband is so concerned with the kids like you say then he might not even want to uproot them. Which means he will not only be trapped in the relationship, but trapped living by the guy you cheated with.

 

But you did not say "we never had sex because I'd never take it that far" but because you just lacked opportunity. For me, that is enough to warrant your husband leaving you IMO. I think you should ready yourself for the possibility once your children are grown and raised he will seek a divorce.

Edited August 1, 2015 by Spectre

[TX-SC]

Okay, so you acknowledge that you would have had sex with the guy if the opportunity arose. He may have been scum, but at least HE was not willing to disrespect your husband by taking the affair to your house. So, in that way, the scummy AP was more respectful of your husband than even you are. The essence of this was that you were willing to lose your husband over some finger banging by your next door neighbor. He in turn had three cheap chicks (you included) already on a leash.

 

I know it's impossible to do, but try to put yoursself in your husband's place. He devoted his life to someone who would quickly discard that for some finger action in the yard. Honestly, your child is going to be alright if you divorce. In fact, he may be better off. My dad and mom divorced when I was ten. It was the best possible outcome. I have been married now for 20 years with no hint at divorce. It won't scar him for life.

 

You simply do not respect or desire your husband. This will happen again. Maybe not with the same guy and maybe not next year, but it will happen again. Some people can't be satisfied with ONE lover. Admit this to yourself and your husband then move on with your separate lives.

[drifter777]

I don't think you would have risked your marriage for some kissy-face & the "groping" you refer to. As you said, you wanted the attention - to be desired. Why doesn't your husband satisfy this need for you? It's because he's working & being Dad coupled with the simple familiarity he has with you. To expect him to pant & sniff & shower you with all the attention that a man trying to get laid will give you is not fair. Real life tends to intrude on fantasyland. That's not to say that there can't be romance after years of marriage - it's just that your expectations need to be realistic. Your husband is not some guy you just met who wants to hook-up.

 

Come clean to your husband. Tell him about whatever you did "groping" with the neighbor. Tell him you know it was selfish, hurtful, and immature. Tell him you want to feel desired by him more - of course - but you understand how foolish it is to expect to be as romantic now as when you were courting. Then grow up. Good luck...

[aliveagain]

I cheated on my husband with one of our neighbors. It was mostly through text messages but we did see each other a handful of times. We mostly just kissed and some fondling but we never had sex. My husband found out because his ex-girlfriend came over to our house and showed him the text messages. We have been married almost 10 years and we have two young children, 6 and 2 years old. By the time my husband had found out we had already stopped talking/texting. Of course my husband didn't believe that but I have been constantly reassuring him and telling him every detail of the time I spent with the guy.

Of course my husband is devasted and wonders what he did wrong. The guy was a complete loser and is 34 years old and lives at home with his parents and works at a grocery store. My husband is a great guy and wonderful father however we have had issues in the past with intimacey and feeling close to one another. I didn't feel like I was getting attention from him and that is what the other guy gave me. He made me feel good about myself and it was exciting.

My husband and I have had problems in the past with money issues and we have been in couples counseling for about 2 1/2 months prior to this happening.

I want to know what i can do to help my husband heal from this so we can move forward without destroying our family. My husband and I have been intimate with each other a lot since he found out and we have been communicating with each other which I see as a good thing. I know we have a long road ahead of us and I will need to earn back his trust but I want to know what you suggest to make it easier for him.

I don't want him to feel less of a man or down on himself because it truely was my problem that I was feeling like I needed attention outside our marriage. If I would have communciated this with him then he would of had a chance to do something.

I don't want to become a statistic and right now my husband is only concerned about our kids growing up in a home without their mom and dad - he has not been able to tell me if he wants to work things out, but it could be too soon.

I know this is rambling but I am at a loss and wish I could take away the hurt I have caused to him.

Any suggestions/thoughts/ideas that can help us move through this and make us a stronger couple.

Much appreciated.

 

Until you can explain to your husband and great father to your children why this POS loser was worth destroying your marriage for nothing will help you. Wiping out all the emails showed him you chose to protect O/M over him, rather than giving him the truth you chose to eliminate it making you the least trustworthy person in his life at the moment. Recover the messages and show them to your husband, move, your affair tainted your neighbourhood, you shamed him and you need to get him somewhere without any memories.