My fiancée may be falling for my best friend

[Try]

I talked to her yesterday, and after initially being mad at me for 'accusing' her, she realized how ****ty it probably looked and she felt super-terrible. I suppose this could be a trick, but she's been extra attentive since and I think feels guilty about making me feel bad.

When you do something that you know is wrong, often times the best defense is a good offense. It is the oldest trick in the book and it worked on you. After having the nerve to be mad at you, she has you happy that she was no longer mad, and had you willingly take the bone that what she did with this other man only looked bad. It was more than just looking bad, it was in fact bad behavior. She shared embarrassing information that you had confided in her with someone that you know, and is a part of your life. She choose to spend much of her alone time this trip with him instead of with you. Although others on this trip will not say anything to you, they noticed, and they will have reasonable doubts in their minds about her feelings toward this other man and towards you. Also, if look up the term "emotional affair", you will see that non-physical emotional cheating is still cheating, and ask yourself if they emotionally connected that night; I think that they did.

 

I am definitely more worry-prone than most people. It's not uncommon for me to misread a situation and panic.

Correction, you are "definitely more" beta-prone than the other man. You did not misread anything. Your issue is that he alphaed you with your fiance, and you beta chickened out about getting up to address it with them that night. Why the heck did you cower in bed being hurt instead of getting up to put a stop to it? The other man is not really your friend, as a true friend would not have done this. Without telling him why, distance yourself from him now, and do not look back. Do not rush into marriage with her. Sit her down and discuss opposite sex friend boundaries with her, and see if she is wife material for you.

 

One more thing. This may not be the end of it, but the beginning. Watch if they become Facebook friends. See if they start texting or chatting on the phone, claiming that they are "just friends". If you have distanced yourself from the other man, it will be harder for them to claim that their relationship has anything to do with you.

Edited July 29, 2015 by Try

[h0000]

One more thing. This may not be the end of it, but the beginning. Watch if they become Facebook friends. See if they start texting or chatting on the phone, claiming that they are "just friends". If you have distanced yourself from the other man, it will be harder for them to claim that their relationship has anything to do with you.

 

How exhausting, that you will have to "spy" on someone, and you will have to do it for the rest of your life... I wouldnt be looking forward to a marriage like this

[kendahke]

I talked to her yesterday, and after initially being mad at me for 'accusing' her, she realized how ****ty it probably looked and she felt super-terrible.

 

It didn't just look ****ty--it WAS ****ty. Tell you what. Do the same thing with her BFF and see what she says/does. She'd have been incandescent if you'd stayed up all night with one of her friends telling her things your girlfriend told you in strict confidence. Sure she feels terrible NOW. It's a shame that she didn't engage that gear when you left to go to sleep.

 

I suppose this could be a trick, but she's been extra attentive since and I think feels guilty about making me feel bad. She's usually very thoughtful and loving, and we're always very affectionate and we do a lot of things together.

 

and it would seem that she likes to be that way with other guys, as you've seen fall out in experience at your feet. They were emotionally bonding with each other while you stewed in your tent. And let's not forget about what you said about your boy:

 

Dave: he's better at getting women than anyone else I know. It's uncanny. I've always done pretty well with ladies, and he makes me look like an amateur. He doesn't even have to try

 

and he didn't turn that off when it was your girl in question.

 

Also, should be noted: I am definitely more worry-prone than most people. It's not uncommon for me to misread a situation and panic.

 

You haven't misread anything here, though. Why do you not trust your own judgment? What your fiancee did was inappropriate and insensitive to you, your esteem and the esteem of your relationship... and I mean the betraying your confidence to your boy and then having the temerity to be mad at you for calling her silly behind out on it.

 

Seriously--put some brakes on this wedding cause she's got a whole lot of emotional work and growing up to do before she is fit to be anyone's wife.

 

Put some space between you and Dave. He means you no good.

[Davey L]

If you are getting married soon if suggest postponing it.

[smackie9]

I think this helped you both to be more attentive, and sensitive towards each other. A good lesson to learn before marriage. Life is full of lessons, this will be one of many to come. Remember to communicate. Best of luck

[Space Ritual]

Bruce,

Although you feel relieved, would you please expound on your fiancee's reasons for sharing the private information which left you embarrassed? Or did you even get that far during the discussion?

 

I think a few more of us who have responded would love to hear what she had to say about that. Was she dismissive towards you in that regard when pressed? Or did you even press it?

 

Out of all of this, that part of your story is the one that totally sticks out to me simply because someone who purported to love me talking out of school about me would pretty much put the kibosh on any future plans with that person.

[TheyCallMeBruce]

Bruce,

Although you feel relieved, would you please expound on your fiancee's reasons for sharing the private information which left you embarrassed? Or did you even get that far during the discussion?

 

I think a few more of us who have responded would love to hear what she had to say about that. Was she dismissive towards you in that regard when pressed? Or did you even press it?

 

Out of all of this, that part of your story is the one that totally sticks out to me simply because someone who purported to love me talking out of school about me would pretty much put the kibosh on any future plans with that person.

 

So here's what happened: my fiancee and I were friends for a while before we dated, and at the time, I was in a relationship that was not working. While we were hanging out once, I mentioned that I missed my college girlfriend, and would definitely go back to her if she would take me back (I was drunk and depressed at the time). This obviously made her a tad uncomfortable once we started dating, especially since said ex-girlfriend lives like a 5-minute walk from us, in one of the most bizarre coincidences in the history of coincidences (I went to college in a different state). The ex and I are still good friends, which Kelly tolerates, though I know isn't thrilled with.

 

Anyway, the first time Dave came to visit me after Kelly and I started dating, he mentioned that he'd also like to see the ex while we were there (they knew each other from school, as well), but didn't know what my deal was with her. This made Kelly really uncomfortable, and that's the story she told, adding the context of my prior comments about missing her and wanting her back. When I told her that I was upset that she had shared that story, she apologized and said that she didn't realize that it was a secret, particularly given that she was talking to Dave and my sister, who both would have assumed the substance of the story anyway (I was hung up on this ex for a LOOOONG time, and both had heard plenty about it). I was mostly upset about the staying up thing, and I think I brought up other stuff because I was just pissed.

 

Confused yet? No? You will be.

 

For those of you saying that she dissed me by not coming to bed with me, here's the twist: we weren't staying together. Because she had planned camping the prior year with #ladies, we were on adjacent campsites. Who, may you ask, was to share MY tent? That would be Dave. So part of me wonders if one of the reasons he didn't want to go to sleep is because if the uncomfortable homoeroticism of getting into a two-person tent with another guy. It's regressive, I know, but that's how guys are sometimes.

 

So, in the end, I'm over it. I don't think there was any ill intent, and I think they both want to be good friends because they both really do care about me a lot. They made a mistake that was ultimately harmless, and it was within sight and earshot of me, so I sincerely doubt that either one thought it would be a problem at the time. I could continue to stomp my feet until I've screwed up the best relationship I've ever been in while simultaneously alienating one of my oldest and closest friends*, but that doesn't seem like it helps anybody.

 

*Further Dave context: the ex (who, in retrospect, wasn't a very good girlfriend)** has had a crush on him for a while, and he's repeatedly turned down advances from her because he wouldn't compromise his relationship with me, which I learned from the ex, not from him.

 

**Further ex context: One of the reasons the 'up all night' thing bothered me so much is because one night in college I got sick, and my ex stayed up all night with my then-roommate/best friend, became infatuated with him, and eventually cheated on me with him. The new incident made me think of the old one, which probably made me much more upset than I otherwise would have been.

Edited July 30, 2015 by TheyCallMeBruce

[road]

So here's what happened: my fiancee and I were friends for a while before we dated, and at the time, I was in a relationship that was not working. While we were hanging out once, I mentioned that I missed my college girlfriend, and would definitely go back to her if she would take me back (I was drunk and depressed at the time). This obviously made her a tad uncomfortable once we started dating, especially since said ex-girlfriend lives like a 5-minute walk from us, in one of the most bizarre coincidences in the history of coincidences (I went to college in a different state). The ex and I are still good friends, which Kelly tolerates, though I know isn't thrilled with.

 

Anyway, the first time Dave came to visit me after Kelly and I started dating, he mentioned that he'd also like to see the ex while we were there (they knew each other from school, as well), but didn't know what my deal was with her. This made Kelly really uncomfortable, and that's the story she told, adding the context of my prior comments about missing her and wanting her back. When I told her that I was upset that she had shared that story, she apologized and said that she didn't realize that it was a secret, particularly given that she was talking to Dave and my sister, who both would have assumed the substance of the story anyway (I was hung up on this ex for a LOOOONG time, and both had heard plenty about it). I was mostly upset about the staying up thing, and I think I brought up other stuff because I was just pissed.

 

Confused yet? No? You will be.

 

For those of you saying that she dissed me by not coming to bed with me, here's the twist: we weren't staying together. Because she had planned camping the prior year with #ladies, we were on adjacent campsites. Who, may you ask, was to share MY tent? That would be Dave. So part of me wonders if one of the reasons he didn't want to go to sleep is because if the uncomfortable homoeroticism of getting into a two-person tent with another guy. It's regressive, I know, but that's how guys are sometimes.

 

So, in the end, I'm over it. I don't think there was any ill intent, and I think they both want to be good friends because they both really do care about me a lot. They made a mistake that was ultimately harmless, and it was within sight and earshot of me, so I sincerely doubt that either one thought it would be a problem at the time. I could continue to stomp my feet until I've screwed up the best relationship I've ever been in while simultaneously alienating one of my oldest and closest friends*, but that doesn't seem like it helps anybody.

 

*Further Dave context: the ex (who, in retrospect, wasn't a very good girlfriend)** has had a crush on him for a while, and he's repeatedly turned down advances from her because he wouldn't compromise his relationship with me, which I learned from the ex, not from him.

 

**Further ex context: One of the reasons the 'up all night' thing bothered me so much is because one night in college I got sick, and my ex stayed up all night with my then-roommate/best friend, became infatuated with him, and eventually cheated on me with him. The new incident made me think of the old one, which probably made me much more upset than I otherwise would have been.

 

And, I guess your GF did not go to her tent because she did not want to lesbo up.

 

 

Baloney, if you friend was that homophobic he would of not gone on a camping trip where he had to sleep in your tent.

[Dork Vader]

Why do I get the feeling there is more too this? What is it she thought you were referring too?

 

There are a couple of problems I see here.

 

She violated the trust you have put in her. You told her very private and embarrassing things that she should not be sharing with anyone, let a lone your friends. That right there would be enough to make me have a talk with her and tell her some of the things I tell you are private and I expect these things too be kept private.

 

She made you feel second too him. It does not matter if nothing physical happened between them. You should never ever feel second too another man, especially too your friends.

 

Your dam right staying up all night chatting away and watching the sunrise is not something friends do. It's almost like the two were waiting for the other to make a move.

 

Did she ignore you the entire night? Focusing her time on him? I would have been annoyed with even just that. It's one thing if she has a friendly talk with him for a bit. It's another if they ignore you and focus their attention on each other.

 

At what point would she draw the line? Cuddling? Kissing?

 

The fact that she has become defensive about it says a lot. It either means she sees no wrong in what happened or she knows it was wrong and does not want too admit it.

 

Your friend does not seem like a very good friend. I would be cutting the guy out of the picture because it appears he does not know boundaries with woman that should be off limits.

 

If I was in your shoes I would also be telling my fiancé exactly why i feel the way I do. That I felt second too him, that I felt like she was confiding him in and not me. That I felt she violated my trust in her too keep personal things I tell her private.. That I am extremely disappointed in her ability to set boundaries with other men.

 

As for other poster's saying women have crushes. Yeah big deal you find yourself attracted too someone, but when you're in a committed relationship you do NOT act on it, in any way.

[Clay]

I still would keep a eye on things. I would watch how she acts around him and if they have any outside contact. If they don't and all looks normal then great. It was a learning experience for her and for you.

 

 

Good luck

[NopeNah]

My ex wife cheated on me with one of my friends years ago,but he was a slimeball anyways and she was a lying slut,so I wasn't surprised. This has followed me throughout my dating history. It's just something that's ingrained after you've been through it.

 

That being said; I now surround myself with quality,trustworthy,help you bury a body type friends and would not be bothered by a girl I was seeing having a long conversation alone with,especially in that type of setting. I went camping a few weeks ago with a chick and a few of my buddys and another couple. I was the one setting up all night hanging out with the female of the couple,while her man and my girl went to sleep. I had just met her/him when they arrived that day and she was smoking hot,but there was nothing but talking and getting to know each other. However, had the shoe been on the other foot and she(my girl) stayed up with that guy, I'd have been upset,but I don't know him. One of my friends and I wouldn't have had a problem with it. Your friend seems like a stand up guy.

Edited July 30, 2015 by Praying4Daylight

[h0000]

I am amused that OP thinks the reason her gf and his friend stayed up together is because they are homophobic.

[m.snow]

golden rule: "bro's before hoe's!"

 

If your gonna be asking someone ask Dave. see if your girl is worth it.

Your closer with your best friend.

don' go attacking your best friend. ask about your girl? ask if she's an easy girl?

 

If she can hit on your best friend that's not wife material.

she can hit on anyone and your not special snowflake attitude.

 

"the friend test" a lot of girl's fail!

 

she was talking to him all night. that's a Red Flag!

 

and this is on you to pal,

you slept while she was talking to another guy. and did not wake-up and "chickened out" as you said.

that's like saying you can go to the bar, i'm staying here at home i'm tired.

 

fiances don't stay up all night talking to other dudes. not even girlfriends. so there!

Edited July 31, 2015 by m.snow

[sandylee1]

My view as a woman......

 

.I think your explanation puts it all in context and it wouldn't continue to concern me. may also mention my fiancé s ex to his friend in the manner she did, but probably to try and seek some sort of confirmation that he was over her. It may have been out of a little insecurity.

 

I remember years ago I had a BF and he had a roommate/friend I used to talk to quite a lot. He had 2 other roommates/friends , but I didn't have any deep conversation with them. They were all male.

The one I used to speak to a lot was a really sensitive guy and he was great to talk to. There was no attraction to him at all and he would never betray his friend like that either.

 

He was the guy all the GFs of the other guys used to speak to as well. He even told one of the GFs that her BF (actually fiancé) was cheating on her, because he'd become quite friendly and didn't like to see her getting used, so I had no doubt about him having integrity.

 

It's been over 20 years that I broke up with the ex, but I'm still in touch with his friend , who I consider my friend now. I went to his wedding , he came to mine, visited when we had kids and we've attended other special events of each other over the years. My parents even know him , he's just a really nice guy. He's the kind of guy that has quite a few female friends, but he wouldn't cross the line.

 

There doesn't have to be anything sinister about it.

[road]

My view as a woman......

 

.I think your explanation puts it all in context and it wouldn't continue to concern me. may also mention my fiancé s ex to his friend in the manner she did, but probably to try and seek some sort of confirmation that he was over her. It may have been out of a little insecurity.

 

I remember years ago I had a BF and he had a roommate/friend I used to talk to quite a lot. He had 2 other roommates/friends , but I didn't have any deep conversation with them. They were all male.

The one I used to speak to a lot was a really sensitive guy and he was great to talk to. There was no attraction to him at all and he would never betray his friend like that either.

 

He was the guy all the GFs of the other guys used to speak to as well. He even told one of the GFs that her BF (actually fiancé) was cheating on her, because he'd become quite friendly and didn't like to see her getting used, so I had no doubt about him having integrity.

 

It's been over 20 years that I broke up with the ex, but I'm still in touch with his friend , who I consider my friend now. I went to his wedding , he came to mine, visited when we had kids and we've attended other special events of each other over the years. My parents even know him , he's just a really nice guy. He's the kind of guy that has quite a few female friends, but he wouldn't cross the line.

 

There doesn't have to be anything sinister about it.

 

 

 

Apples to oranges. You did not stay up all night by a campfire with that dude while your BF went to bed.

[sandylee1]

Apples to oranges. You did not stay up all night by a campfire with that dude while your BF went to bed.

 

Not talking by the camp all night, but I did go out to partying/clubbing with his friend when my BF wasn't there. His friend would come and pick me up with my roommate and take us out.

 

My BF had no problem with it and he actually encouraged it because he sometimes worked the night shift and didn't want me to be bored at home.

 

He knew I wouldn't do anything dodgy.

[JS84]

No offense but your girlfriend doesn't sound all that great anyway. Which kind of makes me wonder how horrible your ex had to have been. What type of women do you tend to go for???

[TheyCallMeBruce]

No offense but your girlfriend doesn't sound all that great anyway. Which kind of makes me wonder how horrible your ex had to have been. What type of women do you tend to go for???

 

Thanks to the folks who actually read what I said and offered helpful, thoughtful advice. To those of you who seem hell-bent on convincing me that my fiancee is a cheating whore, well, you might want to tend to yourselves a bit more. Tootles!

[PapaG]

Maybe you could have a party someplace, make sure every one is there and have a good time mingling with everyone while keeping an eye on her. If they are only interacting with each other then you know its a problem.

[Try]

I think they both want to be good friends because they both really do care about me a lot.

*Further Dave context: the ex (who, in retrospect, wasn't a very good girlfriend)** has had a crush on him for a while, and he's repeatedly turned down advances from her because he wouldn't compromise his relationship with me.

Your friend Dave is an attractive, flirty guy, that consciously or unconsciously is competing with you. Regardless of his intent, he is inappropriately friendly and out of line with women that are in a relationship with you. It does not matter why he is doing it, by doing it he weakens your bond with these women as he makes you look less desirable by comparison. You need to tell him that if he wants to be part of your life, he should be friendly, but not good friends with your girlfriend. You also need to establish opposite sex freinds boundaries with your girlfriend.