'Innocent Friendship' with old affair

[ShatteredLady]

To be honest I was believing him. "Just Friends"!!!!!!!! You're right & I'm a gullible, stupid, pathetic looser!! I 'found' emails between them & of course it was a full fledged EA. He sent her so many gifts including CDs she would like & could listen to thinking of him. They're both 'MY' music!! I can't ever listen to them again! He sent HER CHILDREN books I cherish reading with OUR kids! He even called her "Lovely Lady" MY term of endearment to my best friend!!

 

It's morally (ha!) against his nature so of course he was making me feel like a cripple, burden, useless piece of S**T!!! If I'm not intolerable how else could he justify it? I feel like an idiot!

I posted here how terrible I felt because he had posted on my spine forum that he was "choosing between, love, romance & adventure" & a tedious life of nothing with his cripple, burden wife! He denied up & down, making me feel terrible for even asking if there was a woman he was interested in!! He was soo angry! This was after sending her wine gift baskets, flowers, CDs, MY KIDS BOOKS!!! I can't even start to write about the sexual 'flirting'.

 

I've got to be happy & perky taking care of OUR CHILDREN all day. I'm broken. I feel physically sick. Sweating, shaking, panic attack! How did this become my life? How did I become THIS woman? I want to cry forever but I've got to watch the Tinkerbell movie again & play 'kitties'. God I just pray she doesn't want to read some of her favorite books! I don't want this to be happening! I don't want this to be my life!

 

He said he stopped all contact with her after I found out about the mothers day flowers & tht "Best Mother in the World. LOVE" card. I think he has but who knows?? It's all secrets & lies. I'm a fool for ever believing in my marriage vows! "In sickness & in health" unless you have surgery & get depressed & need me & then I won't feel "Special" & I'll feel "Neglected" because YOU NEED so I'll start an affair with my old mistress!!!

[HereNorThere]

I suffer from spine problems as well, so I definitely feel your pain. I've often worried about not being able to share in certain physical activities, and/or the stigma of taking pain medication. However, anyone worth a damn would empathize and want to help you, not blame you for their lack of adventure. I highly doubt you're stopping his lazy arse from doing anything. If anything, he's using you as an excuse because he doesn't want to own up to the fact the he is responsible for his own happiness. Is this woman going rock climbing with him? Did she taking him skiing? Nope.. so that's just a lame excuse.

 

Please, just take care of yourself and realize he's kind of a dirtbag. It's sad that you're the one with a serious medical condition and he's the one having a pity party and complaining. If anyone has a right to complain, it's you. You can't control him or the excuses he makes for his actions. All you can do is try to live the best life possible and that may mean you have to kick him to the curb and take him for all he's got. It doesn't sound like he's that great of a person to have around anyway.

 

Good luck and I hope that your medical condition is okay. Chronic pain is just the worst and I can soooo relate. Don't let this piece of crap man make it worse than it already is. He's sooo not worth it.

[Shinebrightforever]

I'm so sorry Shattered Lady. Don't believe him. Please pick yourself up, and put one foot in front of the other. claim your heart back. He doesn't deserve it. Take it back and show him the door. Hang in there.

Hug.

[understand50]

ShatteredLady,

 

I wish I a good answer, or path forward. Your husband seem like a real piece of work to do this to you.

 

You are right to be angry, you are right to feel betrayed.

 

All I can suggest is IC for yourself, and work on some plan to "Fix" this. Be that divorce, or some intervention with you WH. What he is not seeing is how wrong and bad he is behaving towards you.

 

I hope for the best for you. Please keep posting if it gives you some peace of mind.

[truncated]

)op,

I understand and can empathize with you about the pain, as i ma in somewhat the same boat as you ( thank whatever it is that keeps the universe chugging along for morphine...... sometimes it's the only pain relief that works). I get how exhausting it can be to always have to be "up" for everyone else when you are crying on the inside form the pain.

 

your husband is treating you in a really crappy way, and there are no ifs, ands or buts about it.

 

My suggestion to you would be to speak to your doctor. Let him or her know the whole story and everything about how you are feeling. Ask them for some advice about what steps to take, as they may be able to help set you up with a pain specialist, support group where you can talk with others in a similar situation face to face and also with a counselor who is qualified to treat depression in someone who is also taking pain meds.

 

Secondly, as this may be very hard, I would try one last time to talk to your husband. lay all your cards on the table and don't sugarcoat your feelings or hold any of them back. It's long past the time sparing his feelings for the sake of calm.

 

 

Be warned that he may not respond in the way you would hope. If he chooses not to, then I would suggest that you begin the process of uncoupling emotionally from him. this doesn't mean your marriage is doomed to fail, but it might, and you need to be ready.

 

Talk to a lawyer to find out about your rights and responsibilities. Find out what sorts of respite acre exist in your community and start accessing it. Try and get out of the house and do some thing for yourself where you will have a chance to meet other people. Begin to learn who you are on your on as a single woman ( not talking about cheating, just living day to day life)

 

Finally, once you feel stronger, tell your husband what you have done, and that you will be making decisions on your own about your life. If he wants to be a part of it, great, if not, that is his choice, and you are ready to go it alone if you have to,

 

None of it will be easy, but it will beat sitting at home feeling miserable while he continues to trample you down and break your spirit.

[ShatteredLady]

We've had some 'dates' & some big conversations. For the first time I've actually shouted & said hurtful (but true) things. You're right. I've been tip-toeing around his depression for all my life. I wish he'd told me the truth when I first asked. It's been the worst kind of 'trickle truth' since New Years Day. He denys, makes me feel like a paranoid, neurotic looser...I find evidence...he admits that but angrily gets offended by other accusations. Rince & repeat!

I think it's all out now. I'm terribly hurt. I can't stop thinking about it but it feels better to actually know & understand what's been going on in my life. I'm amazed by his lack of thought. When he explains the kids books it sounds so logical...her kids are that age. That's what our kids like. Duh! Never once thinking how incredibly offensive & cruel it is.

The strange thing is I can understand it. I REALLY can. The ego trip must be addictive! She's also incredibly good at playing him. I've read some of their chats. Right at the start she went on about how he's the most "Principled, moral, GOOD man she's ever known!" that to the married man she's had & is having an affair with! Obviously the last thing he was feeling or getting from me...when your husband is cheating & telling another woman how fantastic her & HER KIDS are (putting you & yours down) you don't flatter their "moral good" ego!