Wife Sexting with coworker

[lollipopspot]

Here is the deal, say you have gout in your big toe (bad marriage) then you fall and get a compound fracture (the affair) of your left leg, which do you think has to be dealt with? The fracture has nothing to do with the gout. Sure both has to be dealt with.

 

In this particular case, I think the years of hostile, cold marriage are the compound fracture and the sexting is the big toe gout.

[eric1]

The analogy is better if the marriage was the compound fracture then the wife decided to do something other than go to the doctor for it, and now it needs to be amputated because of that decision. Fixing the compound fracture would have been difficult and it may have never healed right, or could have healed stronger as some bones do. But she took that opportunity away through her decisions.

[Radu]

I caught my wife sexting with a coworker on Facebook messenger. I actually read at as it was happening in real time. I confrunted both, as well as informed his wife about what I discovered. Both her and him swear it never reached a physical point. I do believe that , but it doesn't make it any less hurtful.

 

My wife and I have had a cold relationship for many years. A lot of resentment and anger. We have been in a bad place for a long time. She was extremely remorseful, and wants to commit to repairing our relationship. She says that she was just so lonely that she used the fantasy texting with the other guy as an escape. Nothing more. There is no doubt in my mind that it would have turned physical very shortly if I hadn't caught them.

 

I love my wife, and we have had a much better relationship at times since this mess was discovered over a month ago. However, I am still sick over it. I still have a lot of anger towards her and him over it. When that anger comes out, we go right back to the way we were before. Resentful and unloving. I don't want our marriage to end. I want to repair what is wrong, and that includes many other things besides her sexting with another man. My wife wants to start marriage counseling. How do I move forward? How do I wake up in the morning without having this feeling in my stomach? Any thoughts or suggestions?

 

Can you expand on the bolded, especially the long standing anger and resentment in your relationship ?

 

The thing is, if what you said is right, you have a golden opportunity right now as she feels enough guilt to try and do something.

Being resentful is not something you can easily work with for MC, but right now her guilt outshines the resent she feels for you.

 

Also, pls say your ages, length of relationship, kids ... when did things start going bad, etc ...

[elaine567]

Anyone who is in a cold, hostile marriage for years has to consider that their marriage is at high risk of being rocked by one or both partners cheating.

Human beings do not do well in uncaring, icy relationships.

It is cold, lonely, heartbreaking place to be in and sometimes it is just not easy to up sticks and go, kids, family, assets, businesses, finances etc. make leaving for some nigh on impossible.

 

Women especially want emotional connection with their man and if that is being withheld or that need is ignored for any reason, she is going to be very vulnerable to a man that IS going to provide that connection.

I guess that is exactly what happened here.

A few years later it may have been the husband seeking solace elsewhere, who can say? Opportunity can sometimes be the only thing separating cheaters from non-cheaters.

 

Here we have a remorseful wife and a husband, both willing to work on their cold, hostile marriage.

It may work it may not, but to me this is a perfect situation to at least try MC and IC for both.

[fireflywy]

To answer the OP's questions in his final paragraph, you simply do the best you can to interact with your wife as best as you can.

 

Right now you are hurt, this is very true and anyone in your position would be. However, this has pointed a glaring spotlight on the deficiencies in your marriage and you have a canary in the cold mine to warn you to stop the negative interactions.

 

I would suggest this, when you wake up tell yourself that you are going to give your wife a few positive interactions each day and when those thoughts of anger arise, tell yourself "STOP" (dont use the words Don't, use Stop) and tell yourself that you will give yourself 30 minutes of alone time, somewhere outisde of your dwelling to deal with that emotion.

 

Working on these small positive interactions will hopefully help and allow you to move beyond the resentment which currently blocks your communication and hopefully open a pathway to calmer atmosphere and less fear.

 

Then, once you've done this, then when you sit down to talk about this stuff, YOU (I can't guide her) need to be as calm as possible so you don't spook the proverbial horse. Make sure, when you begin this dialogue, that you predicate it good eye contact, or even a compassionate holding of the hand.

 

That's my suggestion anyway. It may or may not work but I hope it helps.

 

Recap:

 

Remain calm, work on positive interactions, open body language, affirm your love and commitment during the big conversations.

 

You can do this.

[sandylee1]

I think your wife's suggestion of marriage counselling is good. You can both air your views with a neutral third party. MC is good if you BOTH want to stay in the marriage and make it a loving relationship. Try and get to the bottom of why there is so much resentment, which involves accepting where you both have some blame.

 

Think about how you once were and how you can get back there.

 

Your wife also needs to read 'how to help your spouse heal after an affair '

 

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

 

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

 

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything*

2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.*

3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.*

4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.*

5. S/He must feel your pain.*

6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.*

7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.*

8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.*

9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.*

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal.*

11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you.*

12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you.*

13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.*

14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first.*

15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected.*

16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy.*

17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling.*

18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

[Spectre]

For me I could never ever trust her again. She cheated on you. She did not get physical, but she still cheated. How can you trust her? She moved to another job, are all her co workers female? If not, how can you trust she just won't do this again next time she feels "lonely"?

 

I think marriage counseling could of helped a lot..if done before the affair. But after? I dunno, up to you man, but I just would have a hard time trusting her. Trust in a marriage is like a glass vase. One it is broken..you can try to glue it all back together again, but it will just never be as sturdy as it once was..and will break much much easier now that it has been broken once already.

 

Marriage counseling might give you a better understanding of why she did it, but it won't change the fact she had an emotional affair. So do you think you can honestly 100% trust her for the rest of your life? I am not asking if you can forgive, but if you can TRUST. I honestly do not feel you could or should ever trust her, and why? Because as you said: this only stopped because she got caught. She wasn't coming to you asking for counseling prior to you catching her...which is odd, isn't it? She decides she only wants to fix it once you catch her. I also agree it most likely would of turned physical.

 

So for me if I were you..I'd have a lot more trust in her if she had come to me and admitted this, but you had to catch them doing it, meaning it only stopped because you crashed their party so to speak. Ask yourself do you really want to be with a woman where..the only thing that prevented her from engaging in a physical affair was that her husband discovered her emotional affair? I honestly can't see why you would, because you could never trust her. She could of earned some brownie points if she came forward on her own, but she didn't. If she was so lonely she could of spoken to you about it or gotten herself a cat or something.

 

Or I can bottom line it: any person who is married who seeks to cure loneliness by cheating is not marriage material.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Spectre

[memom421]

Sounds like you are both ready & willing to commit to marriage counseling which probably was needed a while ago according to what you have said. I would make sure that whichever counselor you see is pro-marriage, pro-family. Too many out there with the belief that if it is broken then just throw it away & begin again. Because you still love her & sounds like she still loves you, then some work to fix it will be worth it. It'll take both of you giving 100% but nothing is irrepairable. Also, forgiveness is a decision you make with your mind not your emotions. Remember, you need forgiveness as much as she does, maybe not for the same reasons, but all the same needed. With time, work, & love, healing will take place & you can both have joy in your hearts instead of hurts. Overcoming a hurdle like this together CAN build an even stronger bond between the two of you than if you just gave up on each other. I'm praying for victory for you.