girlfriend left me for another guy and sent me photos day after breakup

[stillafool]

thank you, i dont see her reaching out, but you never know. hard to think just two weeks ago she was calling me every day. after seeing the photos, its as if shes a stranger now. last night i had a little breakdown and this morning was hard again but im better now. i keep reliving the moment i knew she was being intimate with someone else. its a reality check but i wish i could block it out so it stops hurting

 

Why would you want contact with her after the way she has treated you. Go strict NC and get over her. She's a loser.You will not stop hurting until you eliminate her from your life and stop trying to figure out her behavior.

[mano1982]

your right

[mano1982]

there is no way i would ever touch her again. i honestly feel really rejected and confused. i think as every day goes by i will feel better, and you are all helping me with that. noticing that everyone is saying to get away is making me feel a little stronger

[Downtown]

I'm trying to figure out if its narcissism or BPD. I believe that identifying it is helping me move forward.

Mano, as I said earlier, you are not qualified to determine whether her PD traits are so strong and persistent that she has full-blown narcissism (NPD) or BPD. Only professionals can perform such a diagnosis. After dating her for nearly two years, however, you should be capable of spotting all strong occurrences of NPD and BPD traits. There is nothing subtle about them. Hence, when you say you're trying to figure out whether "its narcissism or BPD," it would be more accurate to say you're trying to figure out whether she's exhibiting strong warning signs for NPD or BPD.

 

I'm starting to think it is narcissism considering the out of the blue rage when I hung up on her.

Perhaps you are seeing some strong red flags for narcissism, Emmanuel. Her extreme rage, however, is a warning sign for BPD -- not narcissism. Whereas 3 of the 9 BPD defining traits specifically mention anger or rage, NONE of the 9 defining traits for narcissism mention it. Moreover, full-blown narcissism means that the person is incapable to truly loving you. Hence, unless you believe that she never really loved you, her predominant traits likely are not narcissism. Further, whereas BPDers are unstable, narcissists typically are very stable. Hence, unless you believe she is emotionally stable, the red flags you describe are those for BPD, not NPD.

 

She is infatuated with her body when she goes there in the summer and even more obsessed with her hair. I figured most girls were like that so I never paid much attention.

A preoccupation with self beauty, of course, is a narcissistic trait. Seeing such a trait in a BPDer, however, would not be uncommon because having strong traits of BPD does NOT rule out also having strong NPD traits. Most folks having one PD also have one or two others also. A large scale American study (pub. 2008) found that roughly 40% of BPDers also have full-blown NPD.

 

Interesting info, her mom asked me last summer when her daughter snapped with no emotion whatsoever, whether her seeing me around my family for those few days ticked her off, because they were giving me attention.?

Because BPDers have a great fear of abandonment and very low self esteem, they typically exhibit an irrational jealousy whenever their partners are devoting much attention to other family members or old friends. Hence, if your Ex has strong BPD traits, the jealousy you describe is to be expected.

 

My BPDer exW, for example, was jealous of the time I spent with my foster son and -- on vacations -- with my other family members. Indeed, she eventually became jealous of my growing affections for her own children (my step children). She told me several times that I must love them more than her and that my love for her children was the only thing holding me in the marriage.

 

The rage this time came from her perceived lack of attention, she thought by not sending her goodnight messages, even though I spoke to her every night till she fell asleep. She wanted messages from me that I was home and thinking about her before I would go to sleep myself.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., has strong traits), her neediness and desire for constant reassurance of your love is a bottomless hole you cannot possibly fill up. This means -- if she is a BPDer -- that sending her goodnight messages every night would NOT MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE. Her insecurities would simply have been transferred to some other imagined slight. Trying to convince a BPDer of your love and trying to make her happy are as futile as trying to fill up the Grand Canyon with a squirt gun.

 

Now, her exact words were, how dare you hang up and ignore me, you thought I would chase you and your plan backfired, how do you like it now.

Ironically, BPDers have such a great fear of abandonment that it is common for them to abandon their partners before those partners have a chance to do it to them. This is called "preemptive abandonment." Typically, it occurs when the BPDer misinterprets your action (e.g., not calling for a day) to indicate you're planning on walking out permanently. Her fear then becomes so strong that, to put an end to the agonizing fear and pain, she will preemptively abandon you. Then days or weeks later, it is common for the BPDer to start love bombing you to pull you back into the relationship. This is mainly why it is common for BPDer relationships to go through a complete cycle of full breakup and full makeup several times before ever ending permanently.

 

She always had a big issue with me hanging up when I would get upset. I would do it to cool down, she would get extremely angry and try to get back at me. I don't get it.

If she has strong BPD traits, she likely has the emotional development of a four year old and thus cannot control her own emotions. That is, she has little skill in preventing her anger from building and, when it does, she has no skill in doing self soothing to cool herself off. This means she will get angry in seconds and stay very angry for many hours (typically 5 to 36 hours). On top of that, BPDers have very little impulse control -- which results in them mouthing off continually when very angry instead of trying to keep their mouths shut.

 

This also means that, if you don't apologize and capitulate RIGHT THIS VERY INSTANT, she will be so upset for hours that she won't be able to sleep until early in morning. My BPDer exW, for example, would be up half the night. In contrast, no matter how heated the argument, I usually would be fast asleep in 20 minutes if I could simply keep her out of the room. It therefore is not surprising that the last thing a BPDer wants you to do is to back away for a while to cool off. She will be left there smouldering and fuming -- just like a young child who is miserable and lacks the skills to redirect her own thoughts.

[Learningtowalkagain]

This thread with all the BPD talk is such an eye opener. It's like the clouds opened and sun shined on my face. I'm not a psychologist but I am 100% sure my ex was BPD. She meets every characteristic on an extreme level. I couldn't write her problems down better than they're already described in this thread. It's as if someone diagnosed her and this is the write up.

[Chi townD]

there is no way i would ever touch her again. i honestly feel really rejected and confused. i think as every day goes by i will feel better, and you are all helping me with that. noticing that everyone is saying to get away is making me feel a little stronger

 

 

Stronger is good, but you are nowhere near out of the woods yet. You're going on a ride and it's called the rollercoaster of emotions. It's an actual thing. One day you be happy, the next you'll be sad. Then angry as hell, then indifferent the next. That's going to suck because you'll feel you have no consistency in your life. And no one knows how long this coaster ride is. It's different for everyone. But you have to ride it out. And it is completely NORMAL.

 

 

So, use this site as your place to vent if you need it. Use this place if you're feeling weak and you think you want to contact her for "closure". Post here first so people can talk you out of making a dumbass move like that.

 

 

Hang in there and make those positive changes. By the way, where are you going on vacation?

[Downtown]

While my ex didn't do extreme things like attempt suicide or cut herself she meets a lot of the other criteria.

Learning, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning folks who interact very well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. Significantly, NONE of those people threaten the HF BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Simply stated, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. The studies I've seen suggest that these HF BPDers account for perhaps 2/3 to 3/4 of full-blown BPDers.

 

I mention this distinction between low- and high-functioning BPDers because it typically is the low-functioning folks who are in such great pain that they do the cutting and suicide attempts. Such behavior is very uncommon among the HF BPDers and, when it does occur, it is only because a life event puts them under such great stress that they temporarily slip into a low-functioning state. The bottom line, then, is that the vast majority of BPDers -- even the full-blown BPDers -- do not exhibit the cutting and suicide attempts.

[Learningtowalkagain]

Learning, the vast majority of BPDers are high functioning folks who interact very well with casual friends, business associates, and total strangers. Significantly, NONE of those people threaten the HF BPDer's two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. Simply stated, there is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to cause the suffocating feeling of engulfment. The studies I've seen suggest that these HF BPDers account for perhaps 2/3 to 3/4 of full-blown BPDers.

 

I mention this distinction between low- and high-functioning BPDers because it typically is the low-functioning folks who are in such great pain that they do the cutting and suicide attempts. Such behavior is very uncommon among the HF BPDers and, when it does occur, it is only because a life event puts them under such great stress that they temporarily slip into a low-functioning state. The bottom line, then, is that the vast majority of BPDers -- even the full-blown BPDers -- do not exhibit the cutting and suicide attempts.

 

I just want to thank you for your insight. I mean, out of the 18 BPDers you wrote she meets all of them. And not just slightly, I'm talking I'd do nice stuff for her (couples massages, take her out to dinner, small thoughtful things, bought her flowers for no reason, detailed her car one weekend) and 2 days later she'd be right back to you're not showing me enough affection. I'd spend 4 straight days with her, plus we'd take breaks together, I'd have to leave to tend to my daughter and she'd tell me I was distant. I was exhausted dating her, I'd have to communicate with her all day...and I mean ALL DAY. She'd come up with whacked out scenarios asking me if I banged a certain girl, then I'd have to spend two hours convincing her I didn't (she would then say she just needed reassurance). I told her more than a few times she was more like a second job than a girlfriend. She tried to convince me to be less of a father so I could spend more time/affection on her than my daughter (that was my final straw). First few months were unreal, she was pretty much everything I ever wanted, then the layers started unraveling and her jealousy, neediness, and insecurities came shining through. She started calling me her soul mate a month into dating (huge red flag). She'd act crazy, I'd break up with her, then she'd manipulate me back in by acting normal. She'd spend a ton of money on purses and facial creamp (thousands of dollars) and put herself in a hole for a few months because she couldn't control her impulse to spend. I could go on and on but I think you get the point.

 

She has abandonment issues that stem from childhood.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Learningtowalkagain

[mano1982]

I also found this very helpful and an eye opener...A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation

[mano1982]

There are articles on BPD with women, Jesus it is unbelievably accurate, even why you were chosen and the childhood issues you may have dealt with which made you a prime target

[mano1982]

Downtown, you have been a tremendous help, I appreciate it. Any insight on why these episodes happened in the summer? I mean, I knew she flew into rages at home but she never really told me or would let me see them. I would see the holes in the walls or she would shut down and lock herself up for a day or two but usually came out of it. During the summer, they are much more obvious and cruel and last longer.

[mano1982]

Guys it sounds like this is someone I know. How do we get rid of him. Coincidentally he just became a member.....

[mano1982]

No I think this is someone trying to incite me. Likely someone I know. I think I know who too....how's the flight?

[mano1982]

I'm going cross country to Cali with a good friend of mine. Tentatively. We are going to drive there, do some sightseeing on the way and pick up a friend of ours . Have my exam on wed, trying to pull it together , going to give it my best shot.

[mano1982]

Downtown et al.,

 

So I have one more question . More like an opinion . As you know she posted the pictures, well the guy post the pictures and tagged her which I think she was behind it but anyways this happened the day after our argument . Seeing that they were intimate the photos shut me off completely I would point I don't think I will reach out to her I didn't find out about these photos for a week before I logged onto the site. Now I don't know if she was aware of this I would assume she was because she knows me but that's my switch that's my boundary the second I saw that as much as it hurt it completely shut me off and my guess is I will not be reaching out to her at any point and it's only going to solidify as time goes by.

Now I'm curious, the day the pics were posted , or maybe a couple days later I sent her a message basically telling her that I missed her and that I wanted to apologize for hanging up on her that I didn't realize she would take it that bad and that everyone's different etc. etc. I also told her that I would help her any which way I could and adjust to her needs and wants when it came to the attention she wanted, in so many words. I told her I wanted us to work out our issues because she was too important to me and I would be there for her. What I noticed was she was literally waiting by the computer as soon as I sent that message she read it immediately within seconds of it being sent which isn't like her normally . Her response was shes sorry for the way things happened and she doesn't want us to hate each other and she would always be there for me too. The response was odd she didn't address the issue at all the apology was very vague and I'm just curious what do you guys make of that. Obviously she was already working on her next target and the pictures were up but I was unaware of them and it's literally two days after for three days after our argument . And I wrote her a couple more messages very sweet ....she was reading them right away but not responding then later on that night I found out about the pictures and sent her a message that I would never speak to her again, that her own friends notified me and are completely horrified by her actions and that she should be ashamed of herself. Then I proceeded to block her. In hindsight I probably shouldn't of said anything and just blocked her without sending the message but I was upset it is what it is at this point that's basically what I said to her . If she had moved on with this guy already and was intimate with him why was she waiting by the computer for a message from me. Is this a ploy by her to punish me or to make me jealous it sounds like she's trying to make me jealous because she sent me a picture of him the day of our fight but it was just a picture of him and she claimed that someone gave it to her to give him and sent to me by accident. Obviously I know she was lying but point is she was trying to hide the progress of their friendship let's call it so why would they post those pictures if she was trying to hide that she was seeing him intimately . Or do you think she went into another rage actually it's probably more than likely that she got very angry and decided to have him post those pictures and tag her.

Edited July 28, 2015 by mano1982

[aloneinaz]

Downtown et al.,

 

So I have one more question . More like an opinion . As you know she posted the pictures, well the guy post the pictures and tagged her which I think she was behind it but anyways this happened the day after our argument . Seeing that they were intimate the photos shut me off completely I would point I don't think I will reach out to her I didn't find out about these photos for a week before I logged onto the site. Now I don't know if she was aware of this I would assume she was because she knows me but that's my switch that's my boundary the second I saw that as much as it hurt it completely shut me off and my guess is I will not be reaching out to her at any point and it's only going to solidify as time goes by.

Now I'm curious, the day the pics were posted , or maybe a couple days later I sent her a message basically telling her that I missed her and that I wanted to apologize for hanging up on her that I didn't realize she would take it that bad and that everyone's different etc. etc. I also told her that I would help her any which way I could and adjust to her needs and wants when it came to the attention she wanted, in so many words. I told her I wanted us to work out our issues because she was too important to me and I would be there for her. What I noticed was she was literally waiting by the computer as soon as I sent that message she read it immediately within seconds of it being sent which isn't like her normally . Her response was shes sorry for the way things happened and she doesn't want us to hate each other and she would always be there for me too. The response was odd she didn't address the issue at all the apology was very vague and I'm just curious what do you guys make of that. Obviously she was already working on her next target and the pictures were up but I was unaware of them and it's literally two days after for three days after our argument . And I wrote her a couple more messages very sweet ....she was reading them right away but not responding then later on that night I found out about the pictures and sent her a message that I would never speak to her again, that her own friends notified me and are completely horrified by her actions and that she should be ashamed of herself. Then I proceeded to block her. In hindsight I probably shouldn't of said anything and just blocked her without sending the message but I was upset it is what it is at this point that's basically what I said to her . If she had moved on with this guy already and was intimate with him why was she waiting by the computer for a message from me. Is this a ploy by her to punish me or to make me jealous it sounds like she's trying to make me jealous because she sent me a picture of him the day of our fight but it was just a picture of him and she claimed that someone gave it to her to give him and sent to me by accident. Obviously I know she was lying but point is she was trying to hide the progress of their friendship let's call it so why would they post those pictures if she was trying to hide that she was seeing him intimately . Or do you think she went into another rage actually it's probably more than likely that she got very angry and decided to have him post those pictures and tag her.

 

Mano-

 

 

Dude, she's clearly not all there and you can't figure out crazy. Why expend anymore energy about it? You know she's suffering from some behavioral heath issue. For all you and us know, Freud couldn't figure her out.

 

 

Just go NC and vanish from her life. Understand that you need to move away from her and constantly ruminating over this or that communication isn't going to allow you to do that.

[mano1982]

I know, im getting there. in all honesty I'm trying to find excuses she put those pictures up on purpose to make me jealous and they aren't sleeping together but I know deep down what's true. I know I'm going to feel great soon and things are going to get better. just feel very betrayed. seeing it with my own eyes I think was a blessing because now it's going to give me the strength I need to not look back. in the field I'm going into I've been trained to over analyze and scrutinize everything and unfortunately it comes with a price in situations like this

[Learningtowalkagain]

What It's Like To Live With Borderline Personality Disorder

[Downtown]

I also found this very helpful and an eye opener...A Life Strategist: ShariSchreiber.com for Resolution, Empowerment, Success, Transformation

Mano, if you read Shari Schreiber's page about herself, you will find that she claims to have an MA degree in Psychology but says nothing about being licensed as a therapist. Previously, she had claimed to be a therapist but BPDfamily.com raised objections to that claim. In Calif, she apparently completed an internship for therapy but never did complete the requirements for being licensed.

 

I do not like her portrayal of BPDers as manipulative spiders who spin webs to trap you and as people who are unable to love. Those claims are simply false and unsupported. Schreiber confuses BPD traits with those of narcissists and sociopaths and thus fails to distinguish among these three groups of people. Yet, if your Ex has very strong narcissistic traits in addition to strong BPD traits, I can see how you would find Schreiber's descriptions useful. Keep in mind, however, that BPDers generally do not exhibit strong traits of NPD or sociopathy (Antisocial PD). Generally, roughly 40% of BPDers have strong NPD traits in addition to the BPD traits.

 

That said, I nonetheless do very much like her explanation of how we excessive caregivers get to be this way in childhood. This is why I often refer caregivers to her blog article called Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved?

 

There are articles on BPD with women, Jesus it is unbelievably accurate, even why you were chosen.

If you are an excessive caregiver like me, YOU most likely were the one doing the choosing. We caregivers typically walk right on past all the emotionally available women (BORING!) and keep walking until we find a woman who desperately needs us. We can spot them across a crowded room because they project a vulnerability that is like "catnip" to us. As Schreiber explains, our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the men we already are). We therefore search for a woman who will adore us for rescuing her.

 

Any insight on why these episodes happened in the summer?

No, I don't know. I can only say that, generally, a BPDer will create the very WORST fights during -- or immediately after -- the very BEST of times. My exW, for example, would behave the worst immediately after a wonderful intimate evening or after a great weekend we spent together. And she would generally undermine an expensive vacation about half way through the trip.

 

This occurs because, although BPDers crave intimacy like nearly everyone else, they are too immature to handle it for very long. Because a BPDer has a weak sense of self, she will feel like she is losing herself into your strong personality during intimacy. She likely will experience it as a scary feeling of being control and suffocated. This is called the "fear of engulfment."

 

At a subconscious level, the BPDer's mind will project that scary feeling onto her partner. The result is that, at a conscious level, she will truly believe her partner is responsible for her feeling so controlled and suffocated. This is why, following intimacy, it is common for BPDers to start fights over absolutely nothing -- or some minor infraction (real or imagined) that is blown all out of proportion. Moreover, they will believe that the absurd allegations coming out of their mouths are absolutely true. And, when they are claiming the exact opposite a week later, they will believe that is true too. This is the way emotionally unstable people behave.

 

Is this a ploy by her to punish me or to make me jealous? So why would they post those pictures if she was trying to hide that she was seeing him intimately? Or do you think she went into another rage?

As Arizona explained, it is a waste of energy to try to find a rational basis for this specific action if she has strong BPD traits. With an unstable person, the reason for doing something today may be entirely different from the reason for doing the very same thing again tomorrow. Her perceptions of your intentions and motivations is distorted by her intense feelings.

 

Hence, her view of you can change radically depending on how she happens to be feeling at this very moment. As I noted earlier, a BPDer perceives her intense feelings to constitute self-evident "facts." To a BPDer, her feelings of the moment essentially make up her perception of "reality." Unlike mature adults, BPDers never developed the skill of intellectually challenging their own intense feelings.

[mano1982]

so she keeps blasting photos of her and the guy being intimate all over Facebook I have a blocked but people keep telling me. or hinting at it everyone's horrified you can't believe that she's doing this repeatedly. she knows my test is tomorrow so I have a feeling she's doing it to throw me off

[Chi townD]

She's doing it because she's selfish. This isn't about you. It never was. It was about what people could do for HER!

 

 

She wants to be placed on a pedestal and admired from above. Most girls DON'T want to be placed on a pedestal. They would rather be by your side. Walking through this life, hand in hand as your PARTNER. An equal! She didn't want that. She wanted a guy that she could walk all over and have you say nothing about it. She got mad because you finally stopped playing her games and kissing her ass. So, she moved onto the next sucker.

 

 

So, why was she waiting by the computer? You or I will never know. She could have been updating her facebook at the time of your email, or was DMing, or looking at her instagram, or youtube. You just don't know. This girl is so selfish, I highly doubt she was waiting by the computer to hear from you. You just happened to email at the right time.

[mano1982]

I agree she is selfish. I think she knew she had posted that stuff and was waiting for a reaction from me. Shes being hateful n she knows it so my guess is she is doing it to get a reaction, like the pic she sent me

[mano1982]

at this point its whatever, she obviously is tapped n im not going to get anywhere trying to analyze it. im going to do my best to forget she ever existed. lol truthfully if i had the time to mess with her i would compliment her on the photos but im all set. this is providing to me that she is completely out of her tree

[Chi townD]

at this point its whatever, she obviously is tapped n im not going to get anywhere trying to analyze it. im going to do my best to forget she ever existed. lol truthfully if i had the time to mess with her i would compliment her on the photos but im all set. this is providing to me that she is completely out of her tree

 

 

 

Dude, your silence will speak volumes. Or rather, drive her insane. When you say nothing, you give her nothing. She has no idea where your head is at. She doesn't know if you're angry or happy. She doesn't know if you care or not. She doesn't know if you're sad or pissed. SHE KNOWS NOTHING!! You give her NOTHING! And for her type of personality, that's going to drive her insane.

[stillafool]

so she keeps blasting photos of her and the guy being intimate all over Facebook I have a blocked but people keep telling me. or hinting at it everyone's horrified you can't believe that she's doing this repeatedly. she knows my test is tomorrow so I have a feeling she's doing it to throw me off

 

Block her. Tell your friends to stop telling you about her posted photos. They will stop if you tell them you do not want to hear anything else about her life.