popy Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) Hello everyone I have been dating my boyfriend on and off for the past 18 months. Every few months or so, he loses his brain pulls away and within the week is back. Middle of June, he pulls the same stunt. But this time when he comes back, he has decided that he wants everything to be exactly the same way that it's always been, for example go out and do things together etc., but he no longer wants to be intimate. So a girlfriend without sex. Someone to fill his emotional needs, but none of the physical. He's gone back online to online dating sites, in search of that physical intimacy with someone else. Before he and I got together, his longest relationship after his marriage which ended five years ago, was three dates. He would go out with a woman, so he could sleep with them, maybe sleep with them two or three more times, then walk away. He might go back to them six months later for a screw, but there was never an emotional connection until he met me. I'm very aware that this is emotional abuse, and I'm doing this to myself. But I am at a loss as to what to do, to separate myself from him and get over this. To further complicate matters, our children are best friends. I would appreciate any advice. Any tips and tricks to get through this. Thank you everyone for your time. Edited July 24, 2015 by popy
Author popy Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Yes it is Which is why it needs to end. Just not sure how to get through it all. Any advice? Also the least disruption to the kids who are best friends?
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Yes it is Which is why it needs to end. Just not sure how to get through it all. Any advice? Get through what? The guy is a whole host of bad news, crap company and totally unreliable. He's a user. he doesn't love, he manipulates. Just ghost him. Read the NC Guide in my signature, and implement it. Drop off his radar and have nothing more to do with him. It's not rocket science, all you have to do - is do it. So just do it. I'm really fighting the urge to absolutely tear you a new one. I cannot believe any woman with an ounce of dignity and self-respect would have endured such a situation for so long. It's breathtakingly ridiculous. Also the least disruption to the kids who are best friends?Totally irrelevant. I don't know, keep in touch with or even remember any of the friends I had when I was young. They'll get over it.... Just have nothing to do with him. If the kids see each other, that shouldn't affect what you do. Cut yourself off from him and ignore him. Let the kids be kids. 3
Author popy Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 My son has autism. Finding and being with friends is not that simple for him.
LeslieKnope Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Oh my, that doesn't fulfill your needs as a girlfriend at all. Actually, he sounds like a lousy friend too. Look, you don't live together, you're not married...Emotionally, it's not easy to move on, but the rest is pretty simple. You have no desire being some odd emotional crutch or pseudo-therapist for him (I can hardly blame you!). I don't know how old your kids are, but I'm sure you can find a way for them to hangout without you having to be involved in your soon-to-be-ex's life. Think about it: do you hang out with all the parents of the other kids your child hangs out with? You just need to extricate yourself from the whole thing. Calmly but firmly explain to him that this doesn't work for you and as such, you have to end all contact now. Then the hard part: you actually have to do it. Don't see him, don't call/text/email him. I know it's agonizing losing someone you have a deep connection with. But if you go along with his plan of cake and ice cream you're just going to prolong your own hurt and sadness. He may also realize once you're gone what a fool he's been and how lucky he had it (which is not a good reason to get back together with him, but at least it's a nice ego boost). Time gets you through it. Talking to friends (real ones, not the goofs who say they want to sleep with other women) gets you through it. Spending time on yourself gets you through it. Crying, screaming and watching the dumbest movies in the world gets you through it. You'll be okay - just move on.
LeslieKnope Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 An addendum: my apologies, I didn't know your son has autism. Still, you cannot be this man's friend or whatever.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 My son has autism. Finding and being with friends is not that simple for him. Then protect him form possible edxposure to people who will not be his freinds in the long=term. I have freinds who are autistic, and who have autiostic children. Speak to him in ways he can connect with. Show him ways he can relate to, help him meet people he will identify with more eqasily. I do understand your dilemma (although you didn't fill in THAT detail at the beginning...!) but you have to safeguard yourself. If their mother is a trainwreck, what good is she to them?
Author popy Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Thank you folks. I'm just finding all of this tough. I do adore him to pieces but I can't take it anymore with him. I know to stop all contact and then my son comes and asks when his son is going to come and play. They were friends before he and I started in a relationship. So I'm hurting at my loss and hurting at the loss my son will endure as a result of all this. My son is 12 btw.
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 25, 2015 Posted July 25, 2015 Thank you folks. I'm just finding all of this tough. I do adore him to pieces This isn't love. This is co-dependency. You think you need him. You've made yourself believe you need him. You've convinced yourself to stay with him. Of what benefit has this long, drawn-out, one-sided relationship been to you? You have posted before on how problematic you found it, and here you are again, with the same problem. It's because you're addicted to his presence. but I can't take it anymore with him. I know to stop all contact and then my son comes and asks when his son is going to come and play. They were friends before he and I started in a relationship. You will have to explain it in ways your son will understand. What if you were to change jobs (for example) and the hours were different? That would upset your son's routine. What if you had to move house and pack everything up to move? That would change your son's routine. This is no different. Deal with it in the most positive way for your son. So I'm hurting at my loss and hurting at the loss my son will endure as a result of all this. My son is 12 btw. I frankly fail to see exactly what it is you've lost. Your son is growing. Call upon other things he loves to create a distraction. Speak to his teachers, helpers, carers, whoever, to help in the transition. It sounds as if you're almost hiding behind your son's needs to give yourself hurdles to doing this. If this guy's son was a constant companion, but he bullied your son, you'd be damn quick to exclude him. This relationship is not good for YOU. Exclude it.
Recommended Posts