popy Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I met a guy last Feb and we instantly hit if off. Neither of us were serious and we both liked it that way (we were both dating other people also). He started developing feelings so in May he decided he couldn't be intimate with me any longer and we remained good friends. In July he decided that he wanted to start our intimate relationship up again. He hasn't slept with anyone since we started back up and neither have I. We are joined at the hip. We are always together and we are in constant contact (text/in person etc). Even our children (who go to the same school) are the best of friends- they were before he and I ever started up so on our kid weekends we even get the boys together to play etc. He was shattered when he and his wife broke up 5 years ago and vowed never to get serious with anyone ever again. Until I showed up in his life, he kept that promise. Anytime someone would hint anything close to serious he would bolt. I was the same about getting close to someone, but I have learned to grow with this situation as we both got to this point together. With him, when it comes to me, he won't bolt or hasn't in 14 months BUT: - he admits he is uncomfortable that he is in a "relationship" and that he struggles with this fact all the time - just recently cancelled his online dating profiles, not because of us as he says, but because my friends have seen him on it and they tell me - won't stay the night or vice versa- he tried finally after a 14 months and lasted til 3am - he has a tendency to go cold on me at least one week every month - just his personality - he tells me that he wants to have the ability to sleep with other people and not that he wants to. He says its a control thing for him. He says he won't sleep with anyone as he doesn't want to hurt me. So the point of all that is that I am confused. In one moment he is great and the next he is extremely cold. I adore him to pieces but I am on edge all the time that he is going to go sleep with someone else etc. I did have some relief once the online profiles were cancelled but I am not entirely settled. Advice......anyone?
fireflywy Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 I met a guy last Feb and we instantly hit if off. Neither of us were serious and we both liked it that way (we were both dating other people also). He started developing feelings so in May he decided he couldn't be intimate with me any longer and we remained good friends. In July he decided that he wanted to start our intimate relationship up again. He hasn't slept with anyone since we started back up and neither have I. We are joined at the hip. We are always together and we are in constant contact (text/in person etc). Even our children (who go to the same school) are the best of friends- they were before he and I ever started up so on our kid weekends we even get the boys together to play etc. He was shattered when he and his wife broke up 5 years ago and vowed never to get serious with anyone ever again. Until I showed up in his life, he kept that promise. Anytime someone would hint anything close to serious he would bolt. I was the same about getting close to someone, but I have learned to grow with this situation as we both got to this point together. With him, when it comes to me, he won't bolt or hasn't in 14 months BUT: - he admits he is uncomfortable that he is in a "relationship" and that he struggles with this fact all the time - just recently cancelled his online dating profiles, not because of us as he says, but because my friends have seen him on it and they tell me - won't stay the night or vice versa- he tried finally after a 14 months and lasted til 3am - he has a tendency to go cold on me at least one week every month - just his personality - he tells me that he wants to have the ability to sleep with other people and not that he wants to. He says its a control thing for him. He says he won't sleep with anyone as he doesn't want to hurt me. So the point of all that is that I am confused. In one moment he is great and the next he is extremely cold. I adore him to pieces but I am on edge all the time that he is going to go sleep with someone else etc. I did have some relief once the online profiles were cancelled but I am not entirely settled. Advice......anyone? Two words which I use frequently here: Love Avoidant. (look it up online) Time to move on sadly.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 13, 2015 Posted April 13, 2015 Get out. He's playing games with you. Do you like the way this makes you feel? I doubt it. Why haven't you bolted?
Author popy Posted April 16, 2015 Author Posted April 16, 2015 Thank you both for your thoughts. I had never heard of the term love avoidant before but I did look it up and it does make sense. Looks like I need to look for something else. Its a shame....
Buddhist Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 Yeah. My advice would be to pull back entirely until he is sure of what he wants. What he's asking for is frankly too much. What I'm seeing here is a man saying....I want to be in a relationship with as many backdoors as I can manage to escape from it the instant anything gets uncomfortable. No sane person is going to agree to that and it's not fair for him to keep you on eggshells just because he's freaking out constantly. No, you either commit and call yourself 'in relationship' or you quit it. Over a year of this stuff? I would not have put up with it that long. Sorry, but if you've got issues then you go away and sort them out, not expect every partner from this moment on to dance around them under threat of you disappearing. Too much.
Redhead14 Posted April 16, 2015 Posted April 16, 2015 I met a guy last Feb and we instantly hit if off. Neither of us were serious and we both liked it that way (we were both dating other people also). He started developing feelings so in May he decided he couldn't be intimate with me any longer and we remained good friends. In July he decided that he wanted to start our intimate relationship up again. He hasn't slept with anyone since we started back up and neither have I. We are joined at the hip. We are always together and we are in constant contact (text/in person etc). Even our children (who go to the same school) are the best of friends- they were before he and I ever started up so on our kid weekends we even get the boys together to play etc. He was shattered when he and his wife broke up 5 years ago and vowed never to get serious with anyone ever again. Until I showed up in his life, he kept that promise. Anytime someone would hint anything close to serious he would bolt. I was the same about getting close to someone, but I have learned to grow with this situation as we both got to this point together. With him, when it comes to me, he won't bolt or hasn't in 14 months BUT: - he admits he is uncomfortable that he is in a "relationship" and that he struggles with this fact all the time - just recently cancelled his online dating profiles, not because of us as he says, but because my friends have seen him on it and they tell me - won't stay the night or vice versa- he tried finally after a 14 months and lasted til 3am - he has a tendency to go cold on me at least one week every month - just his personality - he tells me that he wants to have the ability to sleep with other people and not that he wants to. He says its a control thing for him. He says he won't sleep with anyone as he doesn't want to hurt me. So the point of all that is that I am confused. In one moment he is great and the next he is extremely cold. I adore him to pieces but I am on edge all the time that he is going to go sleep with someone else etc. I did have some relief once the online profiles were cancelled but I am not entirely settled. Advice......anyone? So the point of all that is that I am confused. -- You are confused because he's confused. You have a casual, non-confrontational conversation at the end of which you need to be prepared and committed to moving on. This is not an ultimatum conversation. This cycle will continue as long as you allow it. You say something like "I enjoy the time we spend together. I am looking for a long-term committed relationship for myself out of my dating experiences. You and I have been in "limbo" for quite some time". And, let him talk. If he says all the same stuff over again, you tell him that you are moving on and wish him the best for his future. If he asks for some time to think and respond, you give him X time (not more than a week) and tell him to contact you to talk again. At which point, if he's not willing to commit, you end it.
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