Complete Devastation

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Today I'm having "one of those days." I don't know about y'all, but I find the days and nights are SOOOO LONGGG! Time seems to creep so slowly right now.

 

It's been almost a month since the breakup. Today I just miss him. Tonight is a big event that we were supposed to go together. Tomorrow was supposed to be his birthday party we were planning. I don't know if that's still happening and I don't want to know.

 

I don't even have the desire to punch him in the face today like I normally do. Today, I'm just sad. It's hard to go from having someone you love in your life every day for the last two years to no contact at all. We've known each other about six years. I can imagine it's like what a withdrawal from a drug would be. It's effing HARD!

 

I'm moving into that desperation phase where I REALLY want him to contact me. Logically, I know that would be very bad right now. We haven't had any contact since the breakup. Don't worry, as I said in the posts above, I'm much too stubborn to contact him.

 

I'd like to repeat how much I HATE THIS!!!! (Id rather stay in the anger phase, at least I was more productive with all that nervous energy).

 

I'll tell you who I did want to punch in the face today - a co-worker who informed to "get over it" and said the cliche of "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one." That thought is repulsive right now.

 

Honestly, do what you feel is right to get over him, even if it means feeling lonely at night and crying yourself to sleep. Other people will not understand your pain, and only you will know when you are completely over him.

 

I am so sorry this happened to you. At least your ex didnt leave you for someone else. Be with your friends and family and do things that take over your own thought processes. Eventually the ex will be a distant memory.

[Oregon_Dude]

gls,

 

first off, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. The two of you shared a lot of memories and important moments together, and it sounds like there was a lot of mutual support throughout the years. I'm glad you've been getting out there to be social -- there is nothing like the healing power of drinks and conversations with friends (and rest assured, they will get an earful from us for as long as we need -- whether they like it or not!

 

Speaking of drinks, this breakup of mine has been especially challenging since I have committed to being sober this entire year since January. (I have some addiction issues I'd prefer not to get the best of me.) I'd love to drink away the pain sometimes. However, in a way I'm glad I'm not, since you have to "feel it to heal it", as has been said, and getting f*cked up it just a way to prolong feeling it.

 

Anyway. I think you should find some solace, as you mentioned, in the fact that your friend ran into your ex; he's not looking good, he has regrets, and isn't seeing anyone. That is HUGE, IMO. Many (most) of us don't get the satisfaction of answers like that without having to break NC. I was dropped like a bad habit by my 21 year old ex -- I'm 31, no wonder it ended -- kind of out of nowhere, and am beginning to suspect it was for someone else. Either way, I'll never know, as I've blocked her from FB for my own benefit. (I was checking it a lot. Also, I thought I'd do as an FU -- just between you, me, and this entire community

 

But, whether or not there was another party (which there wasn't, in your case), we still have to deal with being broken up with.. after doing nothing wrong. A lot of people on this site get dumped for their poor behavior, and tbh, I have little sympathy for them. I've always been a good BF to all my GFs.. and always gotten dumped. And like you, I retrace steps of the past, wondering what I did, where I might have went wrong. But in situations like ours, we really haven't done anything to cause being broken up with.

 

The sad reality of love is that it's a huge risk, and people, being vessels of impermanence and change, are unpredictable. For whatever reasons, their hearts often change, while ours haven't, and there's nothing to do but realize you did everything you could to love that person while you were together. You can find solace in the fact that you loved and trusted. And more than likely we will love and trust again, because life is too short to stay on the sidelines just because some people suck.

 

So. Life is hard right now. It is hard for many on this board, and fortunately, we can all find some kind of comfort knowing that we understand each other's pain. The scenarios are all slightly different, but all essentially the same. We wanted love to keep going; our partner did not; now we find ourselves without a partner, again, and re-learning how to live life happy on our own.

 

And it IS a learning process, but we DO learn again, and with enough days and new experience behind us, we feel the "old" us coming back again, slowly, day by day. And then maybe one day you find yourself laughing, really laughing at something, and it feels f*cking amazing to be happy, in or out of a relationship.

 

Keep posting! Or not! You will be fine, as will we all. Thank you for sharing.

[aloneinaz]

Today I'm having "one of those days." I don't know about y'all, but I find the days and nights are SOOOO LONGGG! Time seems to creep so slowly right now.

 

It's been almost a month since the breakup. Today I just miss him. Tonight is a big event that we were supposed to go together. Tomorrow was supposed to be his birthday party we were planning. I don't know if that's still happening and I don't want to know.

 

I don't even have the desire to punch him in the face today like I normally do. Today, I'm just sad. It's hard to go from having someone you love in your life every day for the last two years to no contact at all. We've known each other about six years. I can imagine it's like what a withdrawal from a drug would be. It's effing HARD!

 

I'm moving into that desperation phase where I REALLY want him to contact me. Logically, I know that would be very bad right now. We haven't had any contact since the breakup. Don't worry, as I said in the posts above, I'm much too stubborn to contact him.

 

I'd like to repeat how much I HATE THIS!!!! (Id rather stay in the anger phase, at least I was more productive with all that nervous energy).

 

I'll tell you who I did want to punch in the face today - a co-worker who informed to "get over it" and said the cliche of "the best way to get over a man is to get under another one." That thought is repulsive right now.

 

 

First of all, sorry this happened to you. It kind of amazes me how people can be so cruel and heartless. I hate to throw another cliché around, but he showed you who is truly is. You NOW know you're so much better w/out him.

 

I think you need to give yourself a lot of credit here. You're navigating thru this breakup beautifully. Staying NC and avoiding social media will get you over this in the fastest way.

 

 

Having been where you are 2.5 years ago, I can tell you that I vanished from my exes life when she ended it. She never heard from me again. Doing that and blocking her everywhere, allowed the "out of sight, out of mind" to work along with time passing. It allowed me to move on and I was lucky to meet my now 2 year GF several months after the ex dumped me. Even better, moving on allowed me to tell this ex HELL NO when she reappeared, wanting me back, 5-6 months later with dumpers remorse.

 

 

Last advice I can give you is don't forget this- You can't get over someone until you're under someone new!! Come on... that was FUNNY! Hope it made you laugh.

[mightycpa]

My first breakup was of the blindsided variety. There is just something about that type that makes it so difficult to get over. There's the despair, the obsession, the betrayal and more. Just so much stuff to deal with. I think it is because as the dumpee, you believe in the relationship. When you're dumped, the foundation of your reality is taken away from you, and it is more than difficult to cope with that. It's like the entire world has changed, and you can't quite deal with it properly.

 

Years later, I did the same thing to somebody. I think I understand the motivation. You don't feel the emotional tie, and it is so easy to want the exit that avoids the hard conversations. So as you're planning the timing of the exit, you overcompensate a little for what you're about to do. When you finally do it, you just want it to be over... you're in a very selfish frame of mind. Once you do the deed, the last thing you want is a long conversation about why. You're not really focused on WHY as much as you're focused on WHAT. You don't want to say the words "I just don't love you anymore" out loud. You want the dumpee to get the hint. As the dumper, WHY you don't love someone anymore isn't important at all. It just is. What's important is that you don't want to deal with any of the misery. You just want out.

 

That might explain the perception of cruelty. It's not meant to be cruel, but it is a selfish action, and at least in my case, and also when I was a dumpee, the dumper never looks back.

 

I've done it both ways... cold turkey and the dragging out of the inevitable. Neither way is easy, and you just have to find your way through it.

[gls081209]

Thanks guys for all of your support and input. I never expect people to actually read my stuff. I'm at a tough point right now. I'm struggling now with the thought of NEVER speaking to him again. This ex has been with me through some of the most difficult times in my life and we have a lot of history together. Reading your insight helps me realize that it's the best scenario to not speak to him. I would think that a month out of this would give me a little perspective and deal with it, but in fact, it's the exact opposite. It's harder for me now. Some of my friends told me that it wouldn't make me weak if I contacted him. I disagree with that statement. I am trying to handle this break up with most maturity and class that I can (that's partly so everyone we know will tell him he's an idiot and it's his loss).

 

Of COURSE I have visions of him contacting me and apologizing for his behavior and actually telling me that I did mean something to him. I don't understand how he can tell other people that I'm amazing and he's stupid, but he can't tell me that. In reality, I would actually crap my pants if I heard from him. I know that would just hurt me even more. I guess we'll cross that bridge if we ever come to it. I do understand too that if he does contact and apologize that it would be because he's guilty and probably have nothing to do with me.

 

I am lucky that (well, as far as I know) that there isn't another woman and he's just a lost, emotionally-stunted hot mess. I would not handle that well. He's not a bad person. I will stand by that statement. I think he needs to seek therapy for his lack emotional availability and whatever else he's struggling with. The man is 29 years-old and with the exception of me, all of his relationships have been with bartenders and struggling actresses (he works in professional theatre) and have only lasted 3 months.

[gls081209]

 

Years later, I did the same thing to somebody. I think I understand the motivation. You don't feel the emotional tie, and it is so easy to want the exit that avoids the hard conversations. So as you're planning the timing of the exit, you overcompensate a little for what you're about to do. When you finally do it, you just want it to be over... you're in a very selfish frame of mind. Once you do the deed, the last thing you want is a long conversation about why. You're not really focused on WHY as much as you're focused on WHAT. You don't want to say the words "I just don't love you anymore" out loud. You want the dumpee to get the hint. As the dumper, WHY you don't love someone anymore isn't important at all. It just is. What's important is that you don't want to deal with any of the misery. You just want out.

 

MightyCPA - I find your post interesting as you're coming from the perspective of the dumper who has done this to someone. It was a little hard to read. I don't know what I could've done to make him want out so badly. How did you deal with the aftermath of doing this? What did you feel? Did you ever try to reach out and apologize or did you just let it go?

[gls081209]

 

Last advice I can give you is don't forget this- You can't get over someone until you're under someone new!! Come on... that was FUNNY! Hope it made you laugh.

 

I hope I can laugh at this someday!! Not today!

[aloneinaz]

The man is 29 years-old and with the exception of me, all of his relationships have been with bartenders and struggling actresses (he works in professional theatre) and have only lasted 3 months.

 

 

Again, my strong vote is to stay NC and ignore him if he does contact you again. You're clearly intelligent and when you're brain and common sense gets strong enough to override your heart (which is doing your thinking right now), you'll understand that you can't change or fix him. He's not going to change and reengaging with him will only drag out the pain and suffering.

[gls081209]

Today marks exactly one month since my ex left and last spoke to me. It's been a horrible month. As I keep saying, time is creeping along so one month feels much longer, but the pain is still very fresh. I'm not sure how I have managed to get by a month as I really wanted to lay on the floor and vanish those first couple weeks. I thought I'd see a little more progress as I'd been strict no contact and deleted all social media. I still wake up hoping it was a dream and then dread having to fill the time to get through another day. On a positive note, I haven't cried nearly as much, so that's some progress.

 

Today, I thought I'd take some time and reflect and try to decipher all the strange feeling I have 30 days later (and yes, I realize some thoughts are completely irrational, but it's how I feel today):

 

I'm mostly sad. I'm sad about the end of our relationship and close friendship. I'm sad he ended things that way (I understand that he was emotionally incapable of handling it any other way). I seem to be romanticizing the good we had. I do catch myself and immediately write a "Why [insert Ex Name] Sucks" list. I have several of them lying all over my nightstand.

 

Other bizarre feelings

Lonely; scared of never hearing from him again; anxiety of hearing from him again; angry about starting over; terrified of not connecting with anyone again (I've never enjoyed the dating world); contemplating freezing my eggs (which I had thought about doing before the BU); vengeful in that I hope he hurts as much as I do and all our friends take my side even though our mutual ones still don't know what happened (I guess that still means I'm angry); desperate in the sense that when I talk to our mutual friends I hope that they bring him up and tell me he's a mess without me ever asking about him (thank god they don't); obsessive in talking, but knowing there isn't anything more to say and I'm trying to take the high road and not bash him and I'm annoyed that he still completely consumes my thoughts.

 

These are strange, and I hope normal, feelings.

 

I know I need to calm down and take a day at a time. I can't help it - I'm a Virgo! I'm still working out and trying to do things that are pleasant and positive. Weekend days are the hardest for me. Rather than doing something productive, I find myself watching a marathon of "House of Cards" or lame movies about breakups.

 

However, in honor of my one month breakup anniversary, I booked a trip to go in a couple weeks to my favorite city and visit one of my favorite friends. See... I did something positive today.

[gls081209]

It's been just over 6 weeks since my breakup and since he and I last spoke. I'm not going to lie, after I heard how miserable he was from a mutual friend of ours, I thought I would've heard from him by now. I don't care who you are, you go through a phase of hope or closure. Plus, I'm cordial with all of my exes and haven't done this whole "no contact, no closure" thing. It's been hard to come to terms with the possibility of never hearing from him again, especially when I've never experience that.

 

I've had friends advise me to contact him and can't understand why I wouldn't do it as they think that now the dust has settled and we could have a little closure. Along with my pride, I know that nothing but more pain would come from talking to him. Six weeks since having my heart ripped out and stomped on is not enough time. I'd say the dust is still floating around. Plus, why would I chase someone for "closure" when he abundantly made it clear he was done with me? At least I can have a smidgen of dignity with my crushed self esteem. Thank God for LS and its NC rule; otherwise I'd probably be a future "Snapped" episode.

 

Pretty much everything I do I feel dead inside and not much joy comes from anything (that's the roller-coaster of emotions).

 

Anyway, my point of this post is that I made myself go out with my girlfriends this past weekend. We went to our favorite local bar. I thought it would do me some good to at least get out of the house and have a couple drinks with my friends as this was a typical weekend past time with them. Yeah, it was MISERABLE! I've been oblivious when it comes to the swarmy people in bars as I had on blinders because I was happily in a relationship. There were so many drunk creepers coming up and making moves on my friends (I have very attractive girlfriends) and normally this would be fun for me to witness, but I found it particularly awful this night. And then the band started playing my ex and I's "song." And then I cried. And then I went home.

 

Bar Scene = Too Soon.

[drseuss]

i think a good way to look at is , you dont need somebody like that in your life thats just willing to be cold and walk away like that .

 

hes gone and thats that .

 

all you can do is allow your self to be in pain a be upset for a couple weeks then work on yourself and tell yourself your better this , you will get over this and feel so good for doing it , its just a long slow journey

[Oregon_Dude]

gls,

 

I'm so sorry that you continue to feel so sad and depressed. I have a few thoughts. First - yes!! This is perfectly normal right now, especially since you two were together for a period of years, and that you're only a month out from the b/u (if I read things correctly). So, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up about feeling sh*tty and grieving - that just adds an unnecessary layer of self-judgment on top of the pain, which is totally useless and self-defeating.

 

Secondly. From reading your story, you really didn't do anything wrong here. This is important to consider in self-reflection. Oh sure, people like you and I stayed too long with someone who wasn't treating us great. We can go forward deciding to be more assertive about what does not work for us. But in our case, we didn't cheat, lie etc. So, be proud of yourself for being a good and supportive partner.

 

Third, I think one thing that you and I both need to internalize like a mantra is: someone who essentially threw you away and didn't want you anymore, doesn't deserve the mental energy and emotion that it takes to think about them and feel negative toward them. Do you know who you are? Do you love yourself? Do you know how much good you can bring to a healthy and loving partnership? If so, then the other person's disregard and disrespect for us is on them; it is not a reflection on us. It can be so hard to not view their treatment of us as some kind of condemnation of our character.

 

I don't think our exes are evil or anything. The tendency to demonize an ex just because of their treatment of us is too common, and I'm certainly guilty of it. You should see how emotionally schizophrenic I have been over the last three weeks. Hell, the only reason I'm able to write this post right now is b/c I'm having a relatively calm day (hour). I guess what I'm saying is, they made this choice; they did what's best for them, and as hard as it is, we really shouldn't be mad at them for it. It's an opportunity for us to rediscover life as a single person who does not need romantic love to love ourselves.

 

Lastly. Alone time is bad. Really bad. I say this as I'm working from home. You have got to keep a busy schedule. OK, so bar night is making you miserable. Do a book club, meetup, or other cliches that everyone else mentions that sound horrible. Point is, schedule yourself as far out as possible. This sitting at home business is terrible for our psyches.

 

tl;dr. Several things are going to be key to our recovery.

 

1) Don't judge ourselves for feeling sad. Feel the pain fully, and also appreciate the moments where you approach something like peace and contentment.

 

2) Create a mantra to repeat when thinking all-consuming thoughts about the ex. Something like: it doesn't matter anymore, and they're not worth my mental energy. They didn't appreciate me or respect me.

 

I am a good, kind and loving person and partner. I did all I could in this relationship. If he didn't want it, it's his loss, and my gain to eventually find someone who appreciates me 110%.

 

3) I'm gonna go do this thing, with people, at 5pm tonight. I'm keeping busy. I'm creating new experiences and enjoying new people.

 

I know this all sounds like BS. But recovery from a breakup is like any other skill; it takes practice and self-discipline. This self-pity thing, inaction, stagnation, is absolutely the worst thing for us.

 

If you can make a big life change, that will also help. For example, I have an interview at a movie theater this Thursday for an assistant manager position. It sounds super fun.

 

Wish me luck! and best of luck to you, gls. I really enjoy talking "with" you.

 

OD

Edited August 24, 2015 by Oregon_Dude

[gls081209]

Last night I finally met up with some of the ex and my's mutual friends. They had reached out to me six weeks ago after finding out about my ex leaving me. At the time, I didn't want to see anyone, let alone those who are his friends too.

 

I was nervous, but I prefaced the evening by telling them that I don't want to know anything about him and I didn't want him to know anything about me. They were so incredibly supportive and loving. I don't know why I was so nervous - I guess I just didn't want to hear anything about him and how's he's doing and I didn't want to come across as immature and trashy. I kept my emotions in check for most of the evening (I've been a loose cannon lately). However, after a couple drinks, my friend let it slip that he cried when he told them he broke up with me and that his account of the story is the same as mine. That's the second time I've heard that he was actually upset. Whether or not that's true (and I don't know why my friends, who don't know each other, would lie), I just decided that's what I need to believe because the thought of him not giving a crap is painful. (I'm starting to have the gut-wretching-barfy feeling every time I think of him out and about now.)

 

Facebook

Today, I went back on Facebook. I had my co-worker (who's also a close friend) go onto my page, delete all photos of the two of us and block him. I greatly appreciated that, as I couldn't do it. I had so many people welcome me back and said they missed me (even our several mutual friends). It was nice and I got see what I've been missing these last 6 weeks.

 

Forgiveness

As for my own reflection, I find myself stuck in this "victim" mode that I can't seem to shake. I can't think beyond the hurt of how he treated me the night he ended it and how he dangled his family, new house and life in front of me and then just cruelly left. My thoughts are still about HIM. I'm still so incredibly angry and am STILL crying often.

 

I want to turn it around and make everything about me so I googled how to do this and the term "forgiveness" kept coming up. Now, I will be the first to admit, I am a grudge holder and will hold onto things for YEARS. It takes a huge betrayal for me to become angry in the first place, but once I am, it takes years for me to not feel negative about the situation. Typically, I'm pretty chill about most things and am friendly with most of my exes, but there are few people in my life i can't forgive. It's a horribly unhealthy way to live.

 

In my mind, "forgiveness" means to let the incident go and move forward with a clean slate. I get that, but there's a part of me that makes me think that "forgiving" someone is also condoning his/her behavior. I seriously don't know how to let my anger toward him go and so I can move on. It almost makes me feel like I'm saying "it's okay" he treated me that way. What steps do you take in order to "forgive"? Or does forgiveness just come with time passing and eventually you're indifferent?

Edited August 27, 2015 by gls081209

[gls081209]

I feel the need to post today as it's been a while. I'm still pretty miserable, but I'm functioning. He and I haven't spoke since the breakup. A friend let it slip that he's sad and has been heavily drinking. So in a nutshell, he's sad and miserable and so am I - why are we doing this again? According to everyone, I'm supposed to chalk it up to his "emotional issues" and to "move on." I wish I could, People! If anyone has a magic potion to just "get over it" then please message me as I'd pay big cash for that.

 

I'm also in that part of the breakup of having awkward run-ins with friends and acquaintances who don't know about the breakup. In their defense, I checked out of the world and kept pretty quiet so they had no way of knowing. It's awkward. I've had friends run into him and tell me they had, not knowing I don't want to know about it. I just hate having to politely tell people that he and I had "parted ways." When probed as to what happened and in order to not appear bitter, I give some BS answer about "wanting different things" but "I wish him well," when in fact I want to scream "HE'S A GIANT WANKER WHO CRUELLY CRUSHED MY HEART AND I HOPE HE'S MISERABLE HIS ENTIRE LIFE!" But... I don't in an attempt to be classy. I wonder if those people know I'm sputtering BS as much as I know I am.

 

On a positive note, I just got back from a trip that I decided to take on a whim. I went to visit a friend who lives in my favorite city. I had a wonderful time and even though I thought of him often, I felt a smidge like myself (a smidge-better is a victory for me). I even put on a pair of heels and my favorite red lipstick on a night out. I haven't done that in ages. I still have no interest in even acknowledging that the opposite sex exists, but you know, I'm attempting to stop myself from feeling like a troll by giving a crap about my appearance.

 

As soon as I got on the plane to come home, all I felt was dread and I became very emotional. I wasn't interested in coming back to my reality hell. I could use a sabbatical, you know, some kind of epic "Eat, Pray, Love" trip that changes me as a being. Too bad that my pesky job and the lack of funds in my pocketbook get in the way of that. I'm hoping to be better about visiting friends around the country.

 

I've realized that I am going to be one of those people that doesn't get over things easily and this is going to be a very slow healing process. I guess I just have to roll with it. Forcing myself to get over this, isn't going to work. I'm annoying myself by how much I still cry.

 

I suspect my emotions are not JUST because of that wanker, but I'm rapidly approaching the first anniversary of my mother's passing. Let's mix that along with my upcoming birthday (turning 35 doesn't seem appealing) along with this breakup and we've got a mess! I can't believe how fast things changed in a year. I'm afraid to even say "things can only get better, right?"

[gls081209]

I'm having a tough day, you guys. I have no desire to get out of my pajamas. I've been doing okay given the circumstances, but weekends are hard. I've been making an effort to go do stuff: i.e. gym, plans with friends, dog park, etc. but today I just can't do it and feel defeated.

 

Despite this breakup that has been majorly hurtful, Tuesday will be the one year anniversary of my mother's passing. It has been an incredible loss as we only had three weeks from the time she was diagnosed of pancreatic cancer to the time she passed. She didn't pass peacefully and that memory has stuck with me.

 

What also stuck with me during that time was my ex. I guess today I'm really feeling the loss of him. His presence was my only comfort for awhile and I leaned on him a lot and his family.

 

My dad passed six years ago and I have one sibling, who is completely wrapped up in her own life. My friends are great, but I'm such a private person that I have a hard time falling apart in front of them (especially since I'm the one people come to for support). I'm also trying to be mindful of not dumping on them. They have their own lives too.

 

I have seen a therapist and she's nice and supportive, but pretty much tells me what I already know. It's still good to talk to someone objective.

 

I also have a birthday next week too. That doesn't help the situation.

 

Today I wish it would rain and I have an excuse to lay in bed, snuggle my puppy and have a binge-watching tv day.

 

I get I sound like a whiny toddler with my pity party, but today I can't deal. I can't be strong all the time…