Why is monogamy important to you?

[truncated]

I have no interest in being with more than one person at a time. When I'm with someone, they are the only person I have eyes for ( and please don't tell me I'm "suppressing my desires" or some other nonsense. I know myself and how I feel). I don't want to be with ore than one person at a time either physically or by proxy because my spouse is sleeping with someone else.

 

Human sexual desire has a huge range, and some people are like me, some the exact opposite and some between the two. All that's fine.

 

The problem is when people lie.

 

If you aren't interested in being with just one person, don't lie and say that you are because you want the stability and intimacy from a long term relationship while you also have the excitement of sleeping around on the side. With so much variety out there, you should be able to find someone wo meets your particular needs.

[MissBee]

Are you saying that people who are happy with monogamy don't ever have sexual thoughts about others? I fail to believe that a person loses attractions to others upon entering a monogamous relationship. I also don't feel most people could share their attraction to someone openly with their partner. Therefore they must suppress such feelings.

 

This isn't true.

 

There are people whose marriages or relationship allow for them to share in this way: some have open relationships, some engage in a swingers lifestyle etc.

 

I don't really see why whether or not you have sexual thoughts is so important. There is fantasy then there is reality. I might have sexual thoughts about other people from time to time but it is not obsessive neither do I even have a desire to actually consummate these acts. Having sexual thoughts about others is normal and not detrimental to your relationship and sexual thoughts for most people are often just fantasies, like engaging in porn, or masturbating to a fantasy and not that you live your life on the verge of acting out every sexual thought. Even as a single woman, I have so many fleeting or even recurring sexual thoughts that might include others, from someone I've seen once, to someone on tv, to even people I know and I can tell you, I have pretty much no real desire to make them any kind of reality...it's just fodder for fantasy. Likewise in a relationship. Just because I may think of another man (or even a woman on occasion) sexually doesn't mean I am going to act on it, or it's something I NEED to do or am suppressing or anything. I'd like to be in a relationship where we're open and can engage each other's fantasies in a secure way without believing the relationship is going to end because of it.

 

For me: monogamy seems to offer a certain deeper level of emotional and physical intimacy and just seems far less complicated to manage in terms of everything: time, resources, my health, my emotions, everything. For me it just seems easier to raise a family and have a life with one person versus multiple people. The idea of having to share my body, my life, my time, my money, everything with more than one man seems tiring. I may be capable of having sexual feelings for multiple men (which is what you seemed to be focused on, the sexual attraction) but a relationship is more than sex and for me I've never found myself being deeply emotionally connected to multiple men at once. A relationship isn't just sex. So while I could potentially indulge myself in having sex with multiple men, at the end of the day I'd still prefer ONE partner to share my life and other aspects of myself with, which is the part of monogamy I like. I can be attracted to and like multiple men, but usually there is always one I like a bit more, connect with a bit more and naturally want to spend more of my time with. Monogamy for me doesn't feel like anything I am forced to do. For example, when I date, I date multiple people and usually the others fall by the wayside when I meet one I really like. I naturally turn more of a laser focus on that one guy I connect with most and then I want to spend more and more time with him and less and less with others and it's not about sexual feelings.

 

For me, I think in any LTR I want to be able to be open and frank with my SO about sexual attraction and I think it's important to differentiate that from the other aspects of a relationship and what else is valuable about monogamy. It's up to each of us then to decide what is worth it for us. For me: sexual attraction does not trump a deeper connection and relationship. I don't think monogamy is something every person needs to choose, I think you just need to choose people's whose inclination to it is similar to your own versus being mismatched and then lying, suppressing, denying, cheating etc. Cheating is rarely about being trapped by monogamy anyway. Most cheaters aren't rebelling against monogamy as a social norm but usually cheat because they feel a lack and decided to fill it in that way, they have poor boundaries, myriad of other things but rarely is it that they simply don't believe in monogamy. And worse, many cheaters, if cheated on would fly off the handle like everyone else, why? Because many experience the same jealousies, possessiveness, hurt by betrayal, mate-guarding behaviors like everyone else and if they intrinsically did not believe in monogamy they wouldn't care if their partner was secretly exploring the non-monogamous side of life too.

Edited July 23, 2015 by MissBee

[Woggle]

I prefer to be in a monogamous relationship but others don't want to then don't be. The main issue I have is people who lie about it and mislead somebody who thought they were entering into one. There are plenty of people who want to have open relationships so do the honorable and honest thing instead of cheating on somebody who put their trust in you. Why is that so hard for some people? That is why I am convinced that some cheaters get off on the deception and lying and they somehow feel they are rebelling against something.

[MissBee]

Sorry RCobb99, but you are in error,

 

 

Just because I have a different opinion than you doesn't make me "in error" your "facts" are no more definitive than mine, sorry..

 

 

Facts and opinions aren't the same.

 

Facts can be proven. You may even have an opinion on a fact, but it doesn't alter the fact.

 

You asserted that thousands of years ago religion forced monogamy on people. Now, as a researcher for example we're trained that you cannot make those claims without providing the evidence to prove it. The evidence exists. It's not simply a matter of opinion. One can look at the actual documented history of various religions and their current practices and figure out what their historical and contemporary views and influence on society is. It is not simply an opinion. There is no one religion, different religions exist, fact. Different religions in different time periods have different views on monogamy and it can be proven that not all religions advocate for monogamy. For example, sects of Christianity and Islam allow for polygamy.

 

So sorry, yes there are facts and yes one can say someone's opinion is incorrect if it is based on absence of knowledge about the evidence which exists.

[mightycpa]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer.

 

I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

I think for the same reason I prefer to take a **** on the toilet in my house vs. in any of the stalls at work. I don't want to worry too much about who's been there before me that day.

[elaine567]

Most people equate monogamy with sexual and emotional exclusivity, but that's not necessary.

 

Monogamy does not, for many, mean ONE Marriage, it means one sexual partner for life or in a set period of time as in serial monogamy.

As marriage is a social construct, the use of the term in science ie one sexual partner must be considered.

 

Any sexual relationship that also includes others, be that swinging, threesomes, ONSs or any other form of irregular or regular sex, is NOT by most considered monogamous, whether the practice is condoned/accepted/approved by the individual partners involved or not.

 

I get what you are saying, but your core relationship would only be truly monogamous IMO if you both gave up all your other secondary relationships.

You have an open marriage not a monogamous one.

[elaine567]

Humans evolved monogamous relationships to stop men killing rivals' babies, says study - Science - News - The Independent

 

A study of some 230 different species of primates – monkeys and apes – has found that the risk of infanticide by rival males was the driving force that led to monogamy being established in some primates, including humans, scientists claimed.

Monogamy is rare in primates but in those species where it has evolved it was always preceded by a non-monogamous breeding system where there was a high risk of incoming males killing the infants of rival males in order to take over their rival’s females.

In those species where monogamy became established, there was a corresponding decrease in infanticide as males guarded and protected their females and their offspring, said Kit Opie, an anthropologist at University College London and lead author of the study published in the journal Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences.

[SycamoreCircle]

I think ultimately all roads lead to monogamy. If we accept that writing has done a decent job, over the course of human history, of revealing our deepest thoughts and tendencies to each other, what legacy is there of love and desire for "multitudes?"

 

We seek the One. However imaginary that may be.

[OldRover]

I agree with everything you said, BUT there is also reality. We humans, more often than not, side with the reality of the situation.

 

I can only speak from a male's perspective, but most males I know at one point in time lied their asses off to get into a woman's pants. Why? Because it is met with the extenuating circumstances of the moment. "To get laid or not to get laid?" 9 times out of 10 the carnal desires of the moment will far outweigh the holy quest for honesty.

 

Let's be perfectly honest; poly has not been something that has been socially acceptable since... 3000 years ago. Until recently stating you were poly would limit your chances from maybe 5 in 10 to about .0000001 in 10.

 

None of what I said is to diminish either, but more to show that people will conform to the expectations of society to get their needs met. And that may include being dishonest, even with the ones they love.

 

I'm not sure I believe your stats..... also, I'm not in the camp where "most" males will lie to get in a woman's pants. I've never found it necessary to do that, and I'm sure there are many more like me.

[John Bigboote]

There are plenty of people who want to have open relationships so do the honorable and honest thing instead of cheating on somebody who put their trust in you. Why is that so hard for some people?

 

I suggest that the answer is simply that most people don't know of open or poly relationships as possibilities at all, let alone serious possibilities capable of providing just as much satisfaction and intimacy as monogamous relationships. We live in a dating culture in which the intimacy ladder always leads to monogamous marriage, period the end. That's the narrative, and it's so strong that alternatives are hardly even acknowledged as existing. I had never even heard of polyamory, so I had to invent it for myself and only much later learned of others living the same way. Not everyone is so lucky. Or if they are acknowledged as existing, they are always sick and wrong, to the extent, for instance, of poly families having to worry about losing their housing or kids if they're found out, and swinger clubs living under the constant threat of police raid. This is the environment in which you just can't understand why people don't simply choose committed open relationships.

 

So if there are a lot of people who get into monogamous marriage who should really be in something more open, I suspect it's not because they're lying, but because they've been trained since birth to equate intimacy and commitment identically with monogamy, and they certainly know they want intimacy and commitment, and therefore conclude that monogamy is the only way to get it. That's not a lie, that's an honest mistake given the lack of alternatives culturally presented to them. How can someone be so expected to choose a healthy, positive, intimate, committed, and yet open relationship, when the cultural language knows of no such thing? Maybe you know the alternatives exist because you hang out on relationship boards, but most people do not.

 

So if your goal is fewer nonmonogamous people getting into monogamous relationships, your strategy should be to work to destigmatize and acknowledge the legitimacy of other arrangements in dating culture.

[central]

Monogamy does not, for many, mean ONE Marriage, it means one sexual partner for life or in a set period of time as in serial monogamy.

As marriage is a social construct, the use of the term in science ie one sexual partner must be considered.

 

Any sexual relationship that also includes others, be that swinging, threesomes, ONSs or any other form of irregular or regular sex, is NOT by most considered monogamous, whether the practice is condoned/accepted/approved by the individual partners involved or not.

 

I get what you are saying, but your core relationship would only be truly monogamous IMO if you both gave up all your other secondary relationships.

You have an open marriage not a monogamous one.

 

You have your definition, which does not conform with either the biological or social science definition. As I said, most people assume (erroneously, but due to social conditioning) that monogamy means sexual exclusivity.

 

Modern biological researchers using the theory of evolution approach human monogamy as the same in human and non-human animal species. They postulate the following four aspects of monogamy:

• Marital monogamy refers to marriages of only two people.
  
• Social monogamy refers to two partners living together, having sex with each other, and cooperating in acquiring basic resources such as shelter, food, and money.
  
• Sexual monogamy refers to two partners remaining sexually exclusive with each other and having no outside sex partners.[sIZE=2][3][/sIZE]
  
• Genetic monogamy refers to sexually monogamous relationships with genetic evidence of paternity.[sIZE=2][3][/sIZE]
  

When cultural or social anthropologists and other social scientists use the term monogamy, the meaning is social or marital monogamy.[sIZE=2][2][/sIZE][sIZE=2][3][/sIZE] Marital monogamy may be further distinguished between:

1. marriage once in a lifetime;
   
2. marriage with only one person at a time (serial monogamy), in contrast to bigamy or polygamy;[sIZE=2][[/sIZE]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monogamy

 

As you can see, social scientists don't include sexual monogamy in their definition.

[No Limit]

Because relationships where both people invest only in each other will always beat relationships where both of them have exit-plans "just in case". Sadly these days that doesn't come with a whole list of risks so I understand the phobias and paranoia around it, but that doesn't mean that monogamy is a weak concept, it's just way harder to achieve. But even when I'm half the age of most people on here I daresay that nothing worth getting will come to you easily.

[cocorico]

I'm curious as to why monogamy is so important to most people in a relationship?

 

When I was younger, I believed in monogamy. Mainly it was because it was what I was taught. I went away from this thinking because I feel conditional love is not functional. An important aspect of my marriage is that it's a safe place where we can share our thoughts and feelings openly without judgment. The connection and acceptance of one another seems to bring us closer.

 

I feel that a condition like monogamy, creates a situation where partners can't be honest, or they face recourse. Lets face it, there is a lot of cheating going on. Even if you're not cheating, you're at least guilty of sexual thoughts about others. It's in our nature to want to have sex with people we find attractive.

 

What is it about exclusivity that people desire, when it's setting so many people up for deception and failure of relationships?

 

Monogamy does not matter to me. Honesty and authenticity matter.

[Mr. Lucky]

I have no interest in being with more than one person at a time. When I'm with someone, they are the only person I have eyes for ( and please don't tell me I'm "suppressing my desires" or some other nonsense. I know myself and how I feel).

 

It's hard enough to keep one person happy. The thought of balancing multiple relationships make my head explode :eek: ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OldRover]

Because relationships where both people invest only in each other will always beat relationships where both of them have exit-plans "just in case". Sadly these days that doesn't come with a whole list of risks so I understand the phobias and paranoia around it, but that doesn't mean that monogamy is a weak concept, it's just way harder to achieve. But even when I'm half the age of most people on here I daresay that nothing worth getting will come to you easily.

 

No limit,

 

You'll find that sometimes it takes little effort to get maximum benefits, and very worthwhile things (including relationships), and sometimes all the huge effort you put in will fail.

 

Now, it does take effort to keep a relationship going.

[Thegameoflife]

This thread really took off from the original posting. My first question should of been about how honesty is hard to come by when topics aren't even ever entertained. I know many people who would never talk openly about feelings for other people around their spouse. They live a life of omission, and neither really truly knows the other.

 

When it comes to monogamy and poly type relationships, it more or less comes down to being open-minded, and what the benefits are. If you're not open minded, you're only going to see one option. If you're open-minded, how you go about things comes down to what suites you. I think there are a lot of ways to live life and conduct relationships. People just need to be honest about intentions and who they are.

[xxoo]

This thread really took off from the original posting. My first question should of been about how honesty is hard to come by when topics aren't even ever entertained. I know many people who would never talk openly about feelings for other people around their spouse. They live a life of omission, and neither really truly knows the other.

 

When it comes to monogamy and poly type relationships, it more or less comes down to being open-minded, and what the benefits are. If you're not open minded, you're only going to see one option. If you're open-minded, how you go about things comes down to what suites you. I think there are a lot of ways to live life and conduct relationships. People just need to be honest about intentions and who they are.

 

Eh, do I have to know every fantasy or sexual desire to really know a person? Aren't there more important things to talk about and share?

 

If I fantasized of eating a cheesecake, am I distancing myself from my husband in some way if I don't share that I had that fantasy?

 

To be clear, I do tell my husband a lot of my fantasies. But not all. I have a right to my own fantasies, and a bit of privacy in my head, thank you! And I think that would be true in a poly relationship, too.

[Cali408]

My 2 pennies....

The problem with an open relationship is that emotions get involved. Having sex with someone you like is fantastic, the endorphins and hormones are in complete overload. With your partner, you've already lived through all that and become bored with them. Your partner falls by the wayside, it has to, it's nature.

 

I was in an affair. and I couldn't get enough of my AP. When my partner had an affair that I gave her permission to have it was probably the same thing.

 

The sex part didn't bother me, it was the ego part where I thought, am I not enough? We are still together and stronger than ever and monogamous.

 

There is so much more to marriage than sex, but in the mind, sex is the fuel of fantasy.

 

The OP, I believe, has a wife that's bi and while he's open to, opening up the relationship for both, she's reluctant on his end.

 

For some, it works, I have friends who are into swinging and have a great time. I think she loves the attention and has low self esteem. He manipulates her and doesn't really respect her.

 

I'd be open to it, because I'm not really that jealous, as long as it was even on both sides and communicated everything.

[Morro72]

If I fantasized of eating a cheesecake, am I distancing myself from my husband in some way if I don't share that I had that fantasy?

Depends.

 

What kind of cheesecake?

[carhill]

The eating of beefcake I might have a problem with, relative to monogamy. When married, I did prefer only one beefcake to be on dear wife's menu.

[Gloria25]

While I've never been married, I do desire a "monogamous" RL - in other words, only he and I are seeing each other.

 

IMO, cheaters are three types:

 

1-Dogs...who will never be satisfied with anyone and probably cheat out of insecurities.

 

2-Starved guys...not getting emotional and/or sexual needs met, can't take it anymore and go searching for "food"

 

3-One-time-mistakes...like let's say you had too much to drink and put yourself in a compromising situation. You repented, hate yourself, are dying of guilt and rather cut your hand off instead of it happening again.

 

So, when people stray, I have to wonder if they are a dog with low/no character or "starved"...does "starvation" justify cheating and/or desire to want someone else? No, but kick a dog enough and it bites back.

 

So, when I see "dogs" sleeping around, I don't get it. Yes, there's different flavors of ice cream out there, but if you're not content with what you have in your fridge, why not divorce it and get what you really want/need?

 

To be fascinated with attention you get from flirting and/or bedding others than your SO is immature, stupid, selfish, childish, and too much work for me...So, I consider myself "pro-monogamy" cuz if you have someone who is meeting your needs, why stray? There's always gonna be better, smarter, tastier ice cream out there than what you got at home...value is in recognizing the value in the ice cream you got home and if your ice cream is going bad/expired, then go to the grocery store and replace it...

 

Now, if you got kids, better to wait till kids are 18, up and out before replacing ice cream (unless there's abuse, addictions and/or affairs), cuz no matter what people say, divorce devastaes the kids and no matter how much co-parenting and/or remarriages happen, kids will always desire their original "nest"....Now, what to do till they become 18? Lots of masturbation and hobbies?

[Quiet Storm]

We fell in love in high school, and it was very passionate and intimate. It was even a little jealous and territorial sometimes due to our immaturity. We knew we wanted to be together, forever. We got married and promised we'd be faithful to each other. We have a great sex life and do things that may seem unconventional to some, but we never involve others. We don't want to share. Our bond is something we want to protect. It's supposed to be just ours, and we treasure that, just as much today as we did as kids back in 1991.

[Mr. Lucky]

When it comes to monogamy and poly type relationships, it more or less comes down to being open-minded, and what the benefits are. If you're not open minded, you're only going to see one option.

 

Maybe it's monogamy that takes an open mind, a willingness to do the hard work involved in exploring all the aspects and possibilities involved in a relationship with one person.

 

IMHO, polygamy connotates a certain emotional dilettantism, a lack of focus on your partner. But that's just me ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

IMHO, polygamy connotates a certain emotional dilettantism, a lack of focus on your partner. But that's just me ...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Polygamy specifically? (multiple spouses) Do you have any experience with it?

[Morro72]

We fell in love in high school, and it was very passionate and intimate. It was even a little jealous and territorial sometimes due to our immaturity. We knew we wanted to be together, forever. We got married and promised we'd be faithful to each other. We have a great sex life and do things that may seem unconventional to some, but we never involve others. We don't want to share. Our bond is something we want to protect. It's supposed to be just ours, and we treasure that, just as much today as we did as kids back in 1991.

It will get much better over the next couple of decades.