Itspointless Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Don't you recall how many posters have told me in past its my fault for being non trusting and bugging him about marriage? Maybe they didn't know about lies he told, deleting texts, and how his first "I love you and will Marry you" was followed by hug from me but then sneaking to meet other girl. And that he never tried to make deep conversation ever I missed that particular thread. Being able to trust is an important component that is talked about in attachment theory. Even if you were clingy and demanding, which I guess you were, it should not follow that emotional abuse should be agreed upon by you and your boyfriend as the logical next step for him. I cannot imagine that was the message the other posters wanted to give you. Link to post Share on other sites
LeslieKnope Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I would need to know 1) that he truly is scum so i didn't "lose" his affection, he was just playing with me for his own selfish gain; and 2) I can actually find true love and happiness and won't be bored by it In answer to both your needed affirmations: 1) Yes, he is scum. You didn't lose his affection because he was never affectionate to begin with. He is not a good man. 2) Yes, you can! Okay, now how do we get you out of that apartment for good? Sorry, btw, I'm not intentionally trying to be flippant. I know there are deeper issues going on here. It's just so obvious to me and everyone else in the outside world that you deserve so much better than this lunkhead (repeat: LUNKHEAD). That you have this disconnect concerns me greatly. Have you considered seeking counselling? Have you talked to people on the abuse message board? Xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 Don't you recall how many posters have told me in past its my fault for being non trusting and bugging him about marriage? Maybe they didn't know about lies he told, deleting texts, and how his first "I love you and will Marry you" was followed by hug from me but then sneaking to meet other girl. And that he never tried to make deep conversation ever What i still don't understand is, WHY are you still with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 24, 2015 Author Share Posted July 24, 2015 (edited) When I confronted him about the bold the other day, he says "and what makes you think I'm gonna change? That's who I am, who I was with my last gf too." Also it doesn't sit well with me that he claims we'll get married soon sometimes, but has also broken up w me before stating "I don't value the same things you want, getting married," and before meeting me one of the many women he flirted with he laughed via text about how much he hates kids and didn't see the point. And coming from a man who didn't see family in 10 years and whose sister begged me to make him care about his family... Edited July 24, 2015 by rams10 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 When I confronted him about the bold the other day, he says "and what makes you think I'm gonna change? That's who I am, who I was with my last gf too." Also it doesn't sit well with me that he claims we'll get married soon sometimes, but has also broken up w me before stating "I don't value the same things you want, getting married," and before meeting me one of the many women he flirted with he laughed via text about how much he hates kids and didn't see the point. And coming from a man who didn't see family in 10 years and whose sister begged me to make him care about his family... And yet you still haven't answered my previous question. Link to post Share on other sites
always.1985 Posted July 24, 2015 Share Posted July 24, 2015 I have just read through this whole post and am very confused about why on earth you are still with this guy. My ex actually looks like an angel in comparison. Passing you the toothpaste should not be something you see as him being affectionate. This to me is standard behaviour that I would expect from anyone whether I be in a relationship with them or just friends. I think you really need to re evaluate what you want in a relationship and realise you are worth a lot more than this. There are so many people out there who would actually treat you with respect and would truly care for you. I find it extremely bizarre that you see it as some kind of challenge, it really is not a healthy way to live. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 I never felt secure or loved. He just wasn't the guy who ever looked at me lovingly- my own family commented on the flat stares, lack of any affection- and didn't compliment!me, support me or listen to my stories. It wasn't just about the lies and deleting texts and flirting with other girls. I never felt secure yet all I wanted was the high that ensued from the good times. That was good enough for me. Rather than finding a guy who was stable and loved me, an ordinary life. Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I never felt secure or loved. He just wasn't the guy who ever looked at me lovingly- my own family commented on the flat stares, lack of any affection- and didn't compliment!me, support me or listen to my stories. It wasn't just about the lies and deleting texts and flirting with other girls. I never felt secure yet all I wanted was the high that ensued from the good times. That was good enough for me. Rather than finding a guy who was stable and loved me, an ordinary life. You understand how messed up this is, right? You need therapy, not this message board. Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) I never felt secure yet all I wanted was the high that ensued from the good times. Rams read this website (see link below) and the seven tips. I will start with the first one here: 1) Be clear about your abusive relationship Don't mistake intensity for love, don't fall for the trap of feeling that the "good times are worth the bad", because, as sure as night follows day, the bad times will, bit by bit, become all there is. Intense emotion stops you thinking clearly and clouds your judgment. Take time away from this person to help you start to see them clearly. They may have attractive elements to them, but all traps do. In an Abusive Relationship? Help Yourself Today Also read this about the hormone Oxytocin: https://cafephilos.wordpress.com/2011/03/17/why-women-sometimes-become-addicted-to-abusive-partners/ Edited July 25, 2015 by Itspointless Link to post Share on other sites
trolloperative Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 Are you guys the same religion and/or culture? Sometimes men don't take woman from different races, backgrounds, etc. seriously. Also, the longer you stay in this farce the worse he will treat you. Nothing you have written shows he has any kind of respect for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 Are you guys the same religion and/or culture? Sometimes men don't take woman from different races, backgrounds, etc. seriously. This could be true. He was born in a poor foreign country and lived there until after high school- but hadn't gone back since until this summer. And I wasn't invited. Claimed he told his family about me, yet when i talked to his sister online (got my bf's ok to do this), she literally knew nothing about me. We had a nice convo, she begged me to make her brother care about the family. We talked another time but mysteriously, once I told my BF we'd talked suddenly that was the last I ever heard from her. Also my BF has referred to my family as a "stupid American family" and me as an "ignorant American" before. He was having problems w his visa so maybe resentmebt Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 This could be true. He was born in a poor foreign country and lived there until after high school- but hadn't gone back since until this summer. And I wasn't invited. Claimed he told his family about me, yet when i talked to his sister online (got my bf's ok to do this), she literally knew nothing about me. We had a nice convo, she begged me to make her brother care about the family. We talked another time but mysteriously, once I told my BF we'd talked suddenly that was the last I ever heard from her. Also my BF has referred to my family as a "stupid American family" and me as an "ignorant American" before. He was having problems w his visa so maybe resentmebt Same link as in my previous post: In an Abusive Relationship? Help Yourself Today 3) Stop making excuses for them At the start of any relationship, we all tend to blind ourselves to the faults and inconsistencies of the new partner. This is natural. We see them through rose-tinted spectacles. We find them attractive perhaps because they seem to need us so much or because they are sexy or very rapidly express undying love or fulfil a pattern of neglect and abuse that we have been 'trained' to feel familiar with by previous experiences. Perhaps all the attention - even jealousy - is flattering. This is normal, but the first step of getting out of an abusive relationship is seeing it for what it is. There may be reasons, but there are no excuses for your partner treating you like dirt or cynically manipulating you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 25, 2015 Author Share Posted July 25, 2015 I know these cultural issues don't excuse how he treated me. You're right. Does it seem pretty clear that he never loved or respected me all along? Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 25, 2015 Share Posted July 25, 2015 I know these cultural issues don't excuse how he treated me. You're right. Does it seem pretty clear that he never loved or respected me all along? It does to everyone who is reading your posts. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Then how could I have been so fooled? ...or maybe I wasn't, considering that I was insecure in the relationship, bringing up marriage & the future, worried about him sneaking behind my back after the multiple lies/ flirting wr Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Because you were holding out for the "hope" of something that was never going to happen. We can all see it, and if you are starting to, then maybe - just maybe - you will find the backbone to walk away from this guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
organizedchaos Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Because you were holding out for the "hope" of something that was never going to happen. We can all see it, and if you are starting to, then maybe - just maybe - you will find the backbone to walk away from this guy. This x1000 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Then how could I have been so fooled? ...or maybe I wasn't, considering that I was insecure in the relationship, bringing up marriage & the future, worried about him sneaking behind my back after the multiple lies/ flirting wr Yes insecurity and What CarrieT says. Also what was mentioned in that first rule of that link I shared: the intensity that is mistaken for love. There can be many (historical) reasons for that, as you said you have been a victim of abuse before. Read that article and the one about the hormone oxytocin, it explains some of these things. I am sorry, but it is very important for you to begin to see these things very clearly. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Hm. Well, after a year he hadn't told me he loved me- or said anything, like "you make me happy" or "I love learning more and more about you" or ANYthing. Then he finally says I love you & tries to sneak out with another girl right after. All I remember was latching on to his scraps, ignoring the shortcomings. when I found out his best friend said "so you're moving in! Might as well get a ring and be official eh?" And my BF responded "warming up to the idea- it'll be nice to pay only half rent"... You'd think I'd realize the emptiness. And yet I stayed? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
OK_computer Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 I don't want to sound like a jerk but bail the second things start to go sour and don't wait around and don't look back. Its called self preservation Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 He never really talked to me that much. The few times he'd ask me to meet up and get lunch at work (our offices are very close by), I'd be all excited but he didn't ever carry on much conversation or respond to what I said really. Hard to explain but I think that's just him. Which is why I'm excited that now he will respond to me, albeit brief. It's like his old self. And he's stopped telling me to leave his place Like giving you toothpaste? Oh honey. You can't be serious. Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 I thought no one would say they're going to marry me, ask me to move in, and spend a lot of time with me for 2 years unless they truly loved me. However: he actually didn't spend that much time with me, and when he did it was only what HE felt like doing (usually just getting food which is mandatory anyhow), and conversation was always minimal "deep" conversation (like me knowing nothing about his family, any reason why he loves or appreciates me etc). And we know based on his text to his best friend that he's warming up to me moving in bc he likes paying half rent, and based on how he lied the entire time making me think I was on the lease when I never was (bc he knew I'd stop paying him $ then), and the fact that he spent 3 years w his ex then dropped her when she wanted to talk about getting engaged & called him out by flirting w other girls via text immediately after they had sex, and how he said "I love you" after over w year only bc i brought it up then immediately tried to sneak out w another girl.... Maybe this guy really is a slimy partner? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 I thought no one would say they're going to marry me, ask me to move in, and spend a lot of time with me for 2 years unless they truly loved me. However: he actually didn't spend that much time with me, and when he did it was only what HE felt like doing (usually just getting food which is mandatory anyhow), and conversation was always minimal "deep" conversation (like me knowing nothing about his family, any reason why he loves or appreciates me etc). And we know based on his text to his best friend that he's warming up to me moving in bc he likes paying half rent, and based on how he lied the entire time making me think I was on the lease when I never was (bc he knew I'd stop paying him $ then), and the fact that he spent 3 years w his ex then dropped her when she wanted to talk about getting engaged & called him out by flirting w other girls via text immediately after they had sex, and how he said "I love you" after over w year only bc i brought it up then immediately tried to sneak out w another girl.... Maybe this guy really is a slimy partner? Yes he is very slimy. You went straight from abuse, to more abuse, because you had started seeing that as "normal". YOU felt you could save him, you could make him better, you could make him love you, but you forgot he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't think he needs making better and he doesn't love you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author rams10 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Share Posted July 26, 2015 Maybe that's why he said "I lied and flirted and deleted texts bc that's who I am. I did it with the girl before you too. It's not going to change" and "family does not matter to me. Want proof? I haven't seen mine in 12 years." When his sister confirmed he seems to have forgotten the family, maybe a normal woman would've said "I don't drink this would be a good guy to marry" or maybe she would've left a year ago with an "I love you" followed by sneaking and a guy who spent nights in his office at home staring at computer, unwilling to look up for even 5 min to talk to me ever , actually referred to me coming in to say "hey how was your day" as an unwelcome interruption from work. That's been for a long time Link to post Share on other sites
Itspointless Posted July 26, 2015 Share Posted July 26, 2015 Your question about why is the reason I mentioned those articles and books about attachment theory and trauma, they explain how it is possible that you became attached to him: that are psychological and chemical processes. That you are attached to him does not mean that he is a healthy and a good person for you or other women, he isn't. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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