Husband doesn't want sex with me and affair

[Raena]

You know an awful lot about what he did with this other woman... right down to the nasty dirty details. Did you ask him all those questions? I ask because this is a question that has been asked many times here on LS... how much detail should the BS know about what happened? I don't think I could know all of that about what my partner did with someone else (especially in your circumstances where he gave to her what you wanted him to give to you) and still be with him afterwards.

 

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's so heartbreaking when someone you love dearly doesn't meet your needs and gives to someone else instead.

 

The bottom line is, he isn't giving you what you need. The question you need to ask yourself is... how long are you willing to put up with that? What is your final straw... the one that makes you say ENOUGH.

 

You deserve to be treated much better than this

[Cymbeline]

There is a very valuable discussion of this issue in a thread from 2009 by a poster called 'itspersonal'. It's likely there are some psychosexual issues that may be helped by a professional. Desire is very complex and even more so when shame enters the equation.

[casey.lives]

Bringing up other women is never a good idea.. you put yourself in a weak position.. and although submission is attractive: weak desperation is not. don't confuse the two. what did you do to get him?? go back to what works!!

[whichwayisup]

I've asked, they just had regular sex plus she gave him head while he used his hands on her (when I give him head he doesn't)

 

I'm the more freaky one in the marriage for sure. He wouldn't have a problem asking me for anything if he had a fantasy or fetish or something. He knows I'm pretty much game for trying whatever.

 

I've asked him to go to therapy but he won't.

 

Then ask him to move out and you file for divorce. Why are YOU the one jumping through hoops when HE was the one who cheated on you?

 

He had sex with another woman and only ended it 2 months ago. Did he get checked for STD's? Did you get checked for STD's to make sure he didn't give you something.

[Just a Guy]

Lady it's time to move on. Do not waste your time for someone who does not care enough for you to meet all your needs whether emotional or physical. Just ask him to leave. Warm wishes.

[sandylee1]

I've only read the first page of responses, but I can't fathom why you would want to be with your H. He had an affair, deprives you of sex and you still tolerate it. For whatever reason he's not sexually attracted to you , personally I wouldn't bother with sex therapy to get my H to want me.

 

Why doesn't he go and be with the OW?

 

You can't make someone want you.

 

You deserve respect. He disregarded that and had an A, now doesn't want you and doesn't want help to desire you.

 

If you don't want a divorce , discuss an open marriage so you can get your needs met. You are not a piece of stone and you have feelings.

 

Maybe he's in love with the OW, so he can't get himself to sleep with you. Do you know the A is over ? It could have gone underground.

 

It's one thing trying to improve your marriage and reconcile, but I wouldn't put up with this . I'd file for divorce pronto. Don't be a doormat.

 

Read up on the 180. You need to implement it. Learn that you can be happy without him.

 

BTW , what consequences has he faced following the affair?

If none , then ask yourself why he wouldn't do it again. Get tough and stop taking his disrespect.

[elaine567]

Maybe he's in love with the OW, so he can't get himself to sleep with you. Do you know the A is over ? It could have gone underground.

 

Yes, the assumption can be made that because she is 10 years older and "fat", he cannot possibly love her, but love is often not dictated to by the often changing societal ideals of beauty.

He may indeed love her.

 

Sex therapy or not, if he does manage to have sex with the OP it is most likely going to be or feel like contrived attraction and contrived sex and that for me would be a deal-breaker.

Reconciliation is hard enough when two people who are fundamentally attracted to each other, are involved.

 

I guess the affair and this issue is going to be a continuing hurt, a hurt, I guess you are not going to ever get over if you stay in this marriage. You are never going to feel as if he is there for you and you alone.

 

Divorce and move on to a man who IS happy to have great sex with you, is my advice.

[oldshirt]

Yes, the assumption can be made that because she is 10 years older and "fat", he cannot possibly love her, but love is often not dictated to by the often changing societal ideals of beauty.

He may indeed love her.

 

Sex therapy or not, if he does manage to have sex with the OP it is most likely going to be or feel like contrived attraction and contrived sex and that for me would be a deal-breaker.

Reconciliation is hard enough when two people who are fundamentally attracted to each other, are involved.

 

I guess the affair and this issue is going to be a continuing hurt, a hurt, I guess you are not going to ever get over if you stay in this marriage. You are never going to feel as if he is there for you and you alone.

 

Divorce and move on to a man who IS happy to have great sex with you, is my advice.

 

I agree. I think this is a lost cause on several layers.

 

If the OW is younger, prettier, skinnier etc, one could always make the argument (however flawed it may be) that she could hit the gym and do a make over and that might catch his attention.

 

But since the OW is ten years older, fat and less attractive, this is a lost cause...He is just not into the OP and sounds like he never has been.

 

Therapy helps people to learn healthier communication practices to help them communicate better. It may at best help her express her needs to him better and it may help him communicate if she is doing something that is turning him off.

 

But what therapy will not do is make him desire her or find her attractive if he simply doesn't.

 

The lack of love and intimacy is grounds to dissolve the marriage IMHO.

 

The affair was clearly grounds for divorce.

 

The continued lack of intimacy and his expressed preference for the OW is also grounds to terminate the reconciliation attempt.

 

Seems like a slam-dunk to me.

[sandylee1]

OP

I just want to add that you deserve better and can get better than a cheating husband. Don't subject yourself to this, stand firm and be strong. Your desire for him will only inflate his overgrown ego. Knock him off that place of high esteem and move on.

 

Is the OW married?

What's stopping him from being with her?

 

Please don't be a doormat and let him trample all over your heart. If you had a daughter in this position, what would you tell her.

 

This is what he'll be telling the OW.

 

"I love her like a sister"

"we're like roommates"

"The marriage is dead"

"I'm not attracted to her"

"she begs me for sex"

"she wants us to go to therapy, but I said no. I don't want to fix it"

 

So is he staying for the kids or financial reasons? Because, you need to face the reality that he's not staying because he loves you.

I know it hurts and you feel devastated, but this is the reality.

 

From now on:

 

No asking for sex

No crying in front of him

Be civil towards him

Don't ask where he's going

Make time for yourself

Go out with friends

Go for walks to clear your head

Treat yourself to a beauty treatment/spa day /new hairdo

Focus on you

Enjoy every other aspect of your life

Don't pine around the house

Know that you deserve more than this

 

Your H has checked out of the marriage and it's time you started protecting your heart. Don't be there for another dday.

[stillafool]

Yes, the assumption can be made that because she is 10 years older and "fat", he cannot possibly love her, but love is often not dictated to by the often changing societal ideals of beauty.

He may indeed love her.

 

 

^^^^THIS! It really doesn't matter about her age or weight. He may have a highly addictive emotional bond with this woman that he can't shake. This bond can make her look beautiful in his eyes.

[stillafool]

 

 

He's suggested a few things that might help. I've done them all and every time I get more and more humilated

 

What type of things did he suggest? That might tell you something about this OW.

[spanz1]

We have kids. I don't want to divorce but also know that it might come to that anyway.

 

If it was Madonna whore complex, is there anything I could do to help fix it?

 

role play is a valid thing to do. IF he has this complex, he views you in your virginal best, while looking for dirty kinky sex from other women. so maybe role play that you are a hooker, dress the part, see if that can re-arrange his brain so that he realizes YOU want sex, and not just the missionary position once a month type of sex!

 

 

also, just a reminder...have him get tested for STDs. there is a small chance he is avoiding you because it hurts when he pees.

[hurtinglove]

So much to go through.

Yes, I've gotten tested for STDs and am clean. I felt like an irresponsible teenager asking for them.

 

The stuff he asked for was tighter clothes, bustiers, going out to drink together, spending time one on one.

I've done it all and more.

 

He is always saying he does want me. I don't know why it doesn't translate to actually having sex with me then.

 

I've asked him about role play or fantasies and they just involve him, me giving him head or quickies in various ways/places.

[amujambo]

I am kind of on the same boat. My wife is asexual. She has always been. We have been together for 22 years. I'm extremely sexual and believe that a healthy sex life is an absolute necessity for good mental health. She has told me that it is OK for me to satisfy my sexual needs with someone else if the situation arises as long as she doesn't find out. That works fine in theory, but where does a married man meet a woman who understands the situation. Most of us are brought up thinking sex is naughty, dirty , and something you don't discuss. I mean I am a 52 year old Who still feels guilty about masturbating.

My wife and I love each other very much, but having to suppress my sexual desires and urges, is making me frustrated to the point of madness .

I've talked to counselors and my doctor. A couple of suggested that I try prostitutes , but unfortunately I'm not looking for a meaningless sex. Even though I have no intention of leaving my wife, I want to have feelings for the person I am intimate with. I truly believe that everyone is capable of loving more than one person at once .

Edited July 23, 2015 by amujambo
Wrong dictation

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm not quite sure where to start. He's never been the initiating type with me, I always had to make the first move and get things started, if I wanted to get off I'd have to do it myself. It's been a sore spot on and off for us (me) but I figured that's just how he was.

 

Then I find out he had an affair. Full on, initiating sex, wanting sex, him on top doing all the work, giving her orgasms, touching her and kissing her before and during, going out of his way to be with her over and over again, doing everything with her that I've begged him for for years.

 

That was 2 months ago. Since he broke it off with her, he's been good in every way but sexually. He has NC, he is more affectionate and spending time with me, compliments and being sweet. But no sex.

 

I've tried everything, he just doesn't want to have sex with me. Or he would if I'd either just give him a BJ or a quickie. I want to be wanted like she was.

 

FTR- she's not more attractive, younger or more in shape than I am. She's just over 10 years older than me, at least 50-75 lbs more and dresses dumpy, no make-up, hair just up and messy. He swears that I am way more attractive to him than she is. He just "doesn't know" why he doesn't have sex with me. He says he wants to, he just doesn't do it.

 

He's suggested a few things that might help. I've done them all and every time I get more and more humilated

And you're still with this selfish ass because...why?

[Lois_Griffin]

So much to go through.

Yes, I've gotten tested for STDs and am clean. I felt like an irresponsible teenager asking for them.

 

The stuff he asked for was tighter clothes, bustiers, going out to drink together, spending time one on one.

I've done it all and more.

 

He is always saying he does want me. I don't know why it doesn't translate to actually having sex with me then.

 

I've asked him about role play or fantasies and they just involve him, me giving him head or quickies in various ways/places.

Oh for God's sakes.

 

Stop pandering to this undeserving, selfish pig, humiliating yourself for a crumb of his attention. Is this what it's really come to?

[goodyblue]

I dunno... I would never stay with someone that I had to threaten in order to have sex. Just ew.

 

You deserve better OP and there are men out there that will give you as full relationship. Dump him. And don't take him back.

[m.snow]

Important did you check if he is on drugs?

[HereNorThere]

I think there's a common misconception amongst women that men want sex more than women do. In my experience, most men I know dream of NEW sex, not just sex. Men love the conquest, but tend to get bored once the new territory has been conquered. That's why nearly every woman you know has experienced some sort of "pump and dump" type ********* guy in their life.

 

Look at stereotypes in television and media like Al Bundy from Married with Children. The guy had the horniest wife ever that constantly begged him for sex, but he chose to spend his time with his guy friends at the nudie bar. Sadly, this is how a huge percentage of men are. They're in it for the thrill and novelty, but having sex with your wife requires some level of intimacy and a lot of men aren't really into that.

 

A lot of scientists speculate that this trait is biological. Women have more to lose by becoming pregnant and tend to try to find a guy that will stick around for said pregnancy while biologically, men can impregnate a massive number of women without consequence. Of course, now men face different legal consequences, but DNA didn't evolve with the laws of man in mind.

 

My only advice is try your best to bring back the thrill and novelty if you can and try to tone down the intimacy. It seems counterintuitive, but it's really your only hope. If that doesn't work, you just have to accept that he's not that attracted to you anymore. Sadly, attraction is not a choice for most people. It's either there or it isn't and in our cheap, plastic, disposable world, we've started treating our partners like last years iPhone. Old, out of date, ready for the trash bin and god forbid someone see you at starbucks with it.

[autumnnight]

I think there's a common misconception amongst women that men want sex more than women do. In my experience, most men I know dream of NEW sex, not just sex. Men love the conquest, but tend to get bored once the new territory has been conquered. That's why nearly every woman you know has experienced some sort of "pump and dump" type ********* guy in their life.

 

Look at stereotypes in television and media like Al Bundy from Married with Children. The guy had the horniest wife ever that constantly begged him for sex, but he chose to spend his time with his guy friends at the nudie bar. Sadly, this is how a huge percentage of men are. They're in it for the thrill and novelty, but having sex with your wife requires some level of intimacy and a lot of men aren't really into that.

 

A lot of scientists speculate that this trait is biological. Women have more to lose by becoming pregnant and tend to try to find a guy that will stick around for said pregnancy while biologically, men can impregnate a massive number of women without consequence. Of course, now men face different legal consequences, but DNA didn't evolve with the laws of man in mind.

 

My only advice is try your best to bring back the thrill and novelty if you can and try to tone down the intimacy. It seems counterintuitive, but it's really your only hope. If that doesn't work, you just have to accept that he's not that attracted to you anymore. Sadly, attraction is not a choice for most people. It's either there or it isn't and in our cheap, plastic, disposable world, we've started treating our partners like last years iPhone. Old, out of date, ready for the trash bin and god forbid someone see you at starbucks with it.

 

Sooo.....this means you are okay with his sexual starvation and affair...not okay with it? Not that your post surprises me, I'm just not quite clear on your view.

[elaine567]

Originally Posted by HereNorThere

I think there's a common misconception amongst women that men want sex more than women do. In my experience, most men I know dream of NEW sex, not just sex. Men love the conquest, but tend to get bored once the new territory has been conquered. That's why nearly every woman you know has experienced some sort of "pump and dump" type ********* guy in their life.

 

Look at stereotypes in television and media like Al Bundy from Married with Children. The guy had the horniest wife ever that constantly begged him for sex, but he chose to spend his time with his guy friends at the nudie bar. Sadly, this is how a huge percentage of men are. They're in it for the thrill and novelty, but having sex with your wife requires some level of intimacy and a lot of men aren't really into that.

 

A lot of scientists speculate that this trait is biological. Women have more to lose by becoming pregnant and tend to try to find a guy that will stick around for said pregnancy while biologically, men can impregnate a massive number of women without consequence. Of course, now men face different legal consequences, but DNA didn't evolve with the laws of man in mind.

 

My only advice is try your best to bring back the thrill and novelty if you can and try to tone down the intimacy. It seems counterintuitive, but it's really your only hope. If that doesn't work, you just have to accept that he's not that attracted to you anymore. Sadly, attraction is not a choice for most people. It's either there or it isn't and in our cheap, plastic, disposable world, we've started treating our partners like last years iPhone. Old, out of date, ready for the trash bin and god forbid someone see you at starbucks with it.

 

If you actually read the thread you would realise that this is not relationship sex that just got boring and needs revitalised, this was an issue for the OP from day one with him.

She needs to dump him, NOW.

This is also hardly the place for your unproven assertion that "all men want is new sex and sex with partners gets boring pretty quick and the OP needs to realise she is like last years iphone and she needs to be binned as she is embarrassing to be seen with" - that is quite unnecessary and is just cruel and in fact shows a level of misogyny.

 

->

I'm not quite sure where to start. He's never been the initiating type with me, I always had to make the first move and get things started, if I wanted to get off I'd have to do it myself. It's been a sore spot on and off for us (me) but I figured that's just how he was.[/quOTE]

 

 

I've tried everything, he just doesn't want to have sex with me. Or he would if I'd either just give him a BJ or a quickie. I want to be wanted like she was.

He's suggested a few things that might help. I've done them all and every time I get more and more humiliated:(

 

OP. This is so very sad. This is not fixable IMO, get yourself away from him asap, someone else will love you in the way you deserve to be loved.

[sandylee1]

OP

 

Self respect has a lot to do with this. By even tolerating the status quo, you're demonstrating you have none and this is not an attractive quality. You're letting him treat you like crap and he'll continue doing it , until you put a stop to it.

 

Stand up for yourself and show that you're worth it. If you start doing your own thing and seek happiness with everything else in your life , you'll attract decent people and you'll realise you don't need your husband and his disrespect.

 

How would your H feel if you sought satisfaction elsewhere? Ask him ? If he isn't bothered about it , then you know he's checked out.

 

If he says no, then you know he's a selfish person, with no regard for how you feel.

 

Time to call time on this and don't humiliate yourself anymore.