Is she losing interest or just going through a transition phase?

September 14, 2015

Things are going well so stop while you are ahead about the key.

Right. Which is why I didn't make it an issue, I just casually inquired about it. I guess when she wants me to have it, she'll give it to me. I just wish that I had it so I could surprise her with something thoughtful, like dinner, since she never really has time to cook anything on her own.

September 16, 2015

Surprise her in some other way. Think outside the box (or her apartment).

September 16, 2015

She saw that there was some unstable ground, and she's not ready to give you the key back yet. I think she's waiting to see if it all really works out.

Don't make an issue of it. If she wants to give it to you, she will.

September 21, 2015

Hey all, I'm having really conflicting emotions right now and I don't know what to make of them. Like, I'm tugging myself in two different directions and I don't know if I'm being stupid and unreasonable or justified.

My girlfriend and I moved passed the previously mentioned stuff in this thread in an awesome way and our relationship has been awesome. But when these stretches of not seeing her come up, I feel like I have two different voices battling in my head. My current struggle is this:

I haven't seen her since Sept. 13th and I had pretty much expected not to see her all of last week/this past weekend, which was tough, but fine. She left on Thursday evening to do a 50-mile charity walk, so she was at work until midnight from Monday-Wednesday. When she got back last night, she wanted to do a bit of work (since the prior two weekends she didn't get to do any) and was tired. I asked her this morning if I'd be able to see her this week and she said she couldn't make any promises with work because she didn't want to disappoint me.

The thing is, I know she is super busy because she has a brief due a week from today. She has been stressed with her firm being understaffed and how she's so tired and worn down from all the hours. So half of me is completely understanding of her situation, but half of me is cynical and says, "if she wanted to make time, she would." But then I think about how she's only 3 1/2 months into her career and probably still working on time management, etc.

I don't know, I'm just struggling right now. Potentially going two weeks without seeing my girlfriend (even though she lives 5 minutes away) just gets me down in the dumps. Her firm is supposed to be getting help (starting in October, I believe) and theoretically that will take some of the burden off of her, but I find myself twisting that into a negative and asking, "well, what if it doesn't and I'm still not seeing her for stretches of weeks?"

I feel like I'm being unreasonable in regards to her needs, but I also feel like I'm being unreasonable in regards to my own. Like, I know that this is just a really rough stretch for her and it should get better, but then I think, "who lives in the same city as their girlfriend and doesn't see her for two weeks?" I don't even want to do anything in particular. Even if it were just crawling into the same bed and sleeping next to her would be enough. And, I know that if our situation was different, and we were living together, it wouldn't be an issue because I'd at least still see her. It's just weird. Sometimes during these stretches I feel like I'm in a long-distance relationship (not sure it matters, but that's all she's ever been in).

I know she feels bad about not having more time and I know it's bothering her too, but I don't know, I just don't know how to stop myself from fighting myself.

One half of me is saying it's only two weeks and things have been great lately, you'll live. The other half of me is saying no one can be that busy.

September 21, 2015

She doesn't have time (read: energy) for a relationship right now. It's not you. It's not her. It's timing. Been there.

You can either deal, or you can... pause, take a break, whatever.

September 21, 2015

I completely understand her situation. I haven't been in it, personally, but I have friends who have had law firm jobs, and, especially if they're at the bottom of the totem pole, the work just gets piled and piled on. It sucks, and probably won't get too much better in the next few months. As Roseville said, she doesn't seem like she's able to also handle a relationship atm, which is a shame.

If I were you, I would try and approach this situation from what YOU want and are comfortable with. It's not good for you to constantly accommodate her schedule while ignoring your own needs. I mean, it's not out of bounds for you to want to see your GF more than once every 2/3 weeks. Newsflash: that is not a relationship!

I'm curious to know how your bring it up to her. You said you asked her if you can see her this week, but to me that sounds like quite a passive way to bring it up. I would posit instead like, "I want to see you this week," or "I'm going to come over on Wednesday night," or something a bit more assertive. You live five minutes from her; do you have a key to her place? Maybe go over early and have something to eat ready for her when she gets home. Or if she's not hungry, it might still be nice to see you without having to put in much effort.

Between the insane job and the series of LDRs, it sounds almost like she's a bit if an avoider. She may honestly just be more comfortable only seeing you once every so often, but where does that leave you? I wouldn't be afraid of putting just a bit of pressure on her. Not an unreasonable amount, but enough to know that she can't just keep you on an ice floe until she's ready to see you.

I don't understand why you can't just go spend the night with her a couple of times a week. That doesn't take much. I loved cuddling with my ex when I was stressed.

Bottom line though, if she's not willing or able to hold up her end of the relationship (yes, even for "good" reasons like a job), then yes it might be time for you guys to split ways. YOU want a GF who is more available, and hoping that she'll become that one day is starting to look less and less likely.

Edited September 21, 2015 by losangelena

September 21, 2015

I guess I am just battling my own wits here.

I understand that there are busy weeks and I understand that there might be weeks where we don't see much of one another. Like, last week I completely understood. The prior weekend she wasn't able to go into work because we were out of town at a wedding. Then she had a four-day week, which she stayed until midnight each night. Since she was out of town all of this past weekend, she didn't get to go in at all, either. But, not being able to see her all of this week is what's kind of heightening my anxiety.

The thing is, I realize that this is only because she has a brief due and that's crunch time. It happened at the end of August and then after that we were back to a good schedule. She's told me she has broken down and cried to her sister about lack of time for friends/family/social life and how she's overworked.

She works for a small firm, so it's not the typical biglaw life and she's not expected to bill ungodly hours. She's only doing it because she legitimately has to because they are short-staffed. And she was having to do things she shouldn't have had to because one of the office managers/paralegals was incompetent. I was the one who suggested she go to her boss and let him know that they were swamped and couldn't keep billing 210 hours a month. She did and they agreed to bring in help, which my GF says should be happening in October.

I genuinely care and feel bad that she is so stressed and I try to help the best I can.

I've offered to go over and cook dinner so she has something when she gets home, but I don't have my key (if you go up a few posts, you'll see that I gave it back during our previous fight). And I can also understand her not wanting me over if she's at the office until midnight. But on nights where she's home at 9, I've offered to still come over and hop in bed, but usually she just likes that time for herself. I think when she gets stressed, she would rather have her own time usually, as she's a bit of an introvert.

I do think she wants to see me more and she does send me, "I miss you" texts, so I don't think it's a matter of her not wanting to. When she doesn't have a deadline to hit, I usually see her at least once during the week and then all weekend. I think it's just like a combination of her being busy and not being used to someone being nearby.

As to the reason I don't take the more aggressive approach, I think that would add pressure. Our previous argument was about lack of time (but at that point, I was oblivious as to just how much she had going on at work because she hadn't been that open about it) and she mentioned feeling pressured by that.

I did text her saying that I was planning on making one of our favorite dishes this week because I had been craving it and I offered to bring it by her office. She said she wouldn't say no to that, so I did work in a way to at least see her. And since my first post here today, she texted how my week was looking, so I don't know if she's looking for a spot to work me in or not.

It's just tough because I see how much she does care, she's just bad at balancing things (which she has freely admitted to). I don't want to break up because of it, but at the same time I do wonder how long I can go with two weeks in between.

September 21, 2015

I think one way to describe my line of thinking right now is: Not seeing each other for two weeks hasn't been the norm and my gut is saying it probably isn't going to be the norm, but what if it is?

September 21, 2015

I think one way to describe my line of thinking right now is: Not seeing each other for two weeks hasn't been the norm and my gut is saying it probably isn't going to be the norm, but what if it is?

Then, you wait and see. Give it x-number of weeks or months or whatever, and then you re-evaluate.

You seem to be swinging back and forth here. If she's legit swamped, and again, that's something you can put up with, you put a pin in your anxiety, go live your own life, and see if things improve. If she finishes with her brief and her time opens up and she spends it with you—great! You know this is a transient thing. If not, then you apply the same principle (what kind of relationship do I want?) and decide your next move.

September 21, 2015

Everyone has different expectations. You want a GF that has time for you, she needs someone that doesn't mind seeing her once a week or when her schedule permits.

IMO if you feel upset/unhappy in a relationship or uncomfortable, you shouldn't stay in that relationship. I myself have ended relationships that didn't fulfilled my expectations time wise, and it was the best decision I made.

September 21, 2015

Everyone has different expectations. You want a GF that has time for you, she needs someone that doesn't mind seeing her once a week or when her schedule permits.

IMO if you feel upset/unhappy in a relationship or uncomfortable, you shouldn't stay in that relationship. I myself have ended relationships that didn't fulfilled my expectations time wise, and it was the best decision I made.

This sums up the thread quite nicely.

This relationship isn't going to work out.

September 21, 2015

Seriously you shouldn't feel unsettled or anxious....it's unhealthy.

September 21, 2015

Then, you wait and see. Give it x-number of weeks or months or whatever, and then you re-evaluate.

You seem to be swinging back and forth here. If she's legit swamped, and again, that's something you can put up with, you put a pin in your anxiety, go live your own life, and see if things improve. If she finishes with her brief and her time opens up and she spends it with you—great! You know this is a transient thing. If not, then you apply the same principle (what kind of relationship do I want?) and decide your next move.

I am admittedly swinging back and forth. I feel bad that I am because I see how stressed she is about all of this. I know she wants more time together and I know after her last brief, things opened up a little more during the week. I don't know if it's the notion of not seeing her for two weeks or what.

The fair/logic thing is to wait this out, it just is difficult. It's why I offer to do stuff like show up at her place and cook her dinner or just show up to sleep.

September 21, 2015

I am admittedly swinging back and forth. I feel bad that I am because I see how stressed she is about all of this. I know she wants more time together and I know after her last brief, things opened up a little more during the week. I don't know if it's the notion of not seeing her for two weeks or what.

The fair/logic thing is to wait this out, it just is difficult. It's why I offer to do stuff like show up at her place and cook her dinner or just show up to sleep.

I'm thinking more and more that y'all just don't seem compatible in this area. If law is her chosen profession, she is probably going to be intermittently busy her entire career.

Are you going to fret over it every single time? Either you're OK with it or you're not. Your task now is to either work to become OK with it, or admit that you're not ever going to.

I know I may be giving conflicting advice as time goes on, but you do really seem to have an undue amount of anxiety about this, and as someone whose own anxiety-producing relationship just ended, I can tell you that it's not something you want to carry with you for very long. What sounds worse to you: spending years feeling anxious about the relationship you're in, or doing the hard thing of breaking it off now and finding a relationship that doesn't cause undue stress?

September 21, 2015

I feel a lot of it has to do with our living situation or whatever. I'm confident this wouldn't be on my mind if we were living together. I understand she is busy and that's why I'm not asking for large chunks of her time. I just want to see her. I don't want/expect her to sit down and Netflix marathon with me on brief week.

Yes, her typical schedule is busy, but on normal weeks we're together once during the week and then on most weekends. I'm fine with that. But on brief weeks, it'd be nice to at least see her/be able to do something to help out.

September 21, 2015

She doesn't have time for you. You are annoying her. You need to back way off, rediscover your testicles, and let her contact you. Which, btw, may not happen for a looong while.

Begging her to make time for you so you can cook her favorite meal and whatever is making her lose her attraction for you. Go do your own thing, and see if she misses you.

September 21, 2015

She doesn't have time for you. You are annoying her. You need to back way off, rediscover your testicles, and let her contact you. Which, btw, may not happen for a looong while.

Begging her to make time for you so you can cook her favorite meal and whatever is making her lose her attraction for you. Go do your own thing, and see if she misses you.

This is not at all how things are going, but thanks anyway.

September 21, 2015

I feel a lot of it has to do with our living situation or whatever. I'm confident this wouldn't be on my mind if we were living together. I understand she is busy and that's why I'm not asking for large chunks of her time. I just want to see her. I don't want/expect her to sit down and Netflix marathon with me on brief week.

Yes, her typical schedule is busy, but on normal weeks we're together once during the week and then on most weekends. I'm fine with that. But on brief weeks, it'd be nice to at least see her/be able to do something to help out.

OP, can you rehash how long y'all have been together, and your dating history?

I honestly don't think that moving in together would make much of a difference. Because it seems like at the core of your anxiety is not whether she's spending enough time with you, it's this question of whether or not she cares for you, or loves you, or if she's truly "in" the relationship. You have a problem because, if you're gonna apply attachment theory to this, you're more of an anxious attacher, and she seems more like an avoidant one. That dynamic is a hard one to smooth out.

I suspect that if you lived together, your fear would only be exacerbated, because you'd probably still not completely put at ease by her, yet you'd be in such close quarters that it'd drive you batty. There would always be "more" she could do.

Again, I know you don't like to hear it, but it seems as if this may just be an incompatibility.

September 21, 2015

I think one way to describe my line of thinking right now is: Not seeing each other for two weeks hasn't been the norm and my gut is saying it probably isn't going to be the norm, but what if it is?

It will be. There will be other briefs, in the near and continuing future, as well as other projects. She's new to the firm, she's going to be doing the grunt work for several years, even if they bring on additional help. That's how it is with that career path.

September 21, 2015

OP, can you rehash how long y'all have been together, and your dating history?

I honestly don't think that moving in together would make much of a difference. Because it seems like at the core of your anxiety is not whether she's spending enough time with you, it's this question of whether or not she cares for you, or loves you, or if she's truly "in" the relationship. You have a problem because, if you're gonna apply attachment theory to this, you're more of an anxious attacher, and she seems more like an avoidant one. That dynamic is a hard one to smooth out.

I suspect that if you lived together, your fear would only be exacerbated, because you'd probably still not completely put at ease by her, yet you'd be in such close quarters that it'd drive you batty. There would always be "more" she could do.

Again, I know you don't like to hear it, but it seems as if this may just be an incompatibility.

We've been dating for over a year. I've done my share of dating in the past, but she has now become my longest relationship.

I disagree with your opinion, respectfully of course. I have no doubts as to whether or not she is in the relationship or whether she loves me. She has shown me plenty in the recent months to make me positive of that. Attending weddings together, visiting each others' families, etc. That is not a problem at all. She has shown me with actions that she's invested.

I'm just not understanding how it makes sense to just not see one another for two weeks instead of trying to work out some sort of get together, regardless of how short or long the visit it. Which is where her admitting she's terrible at balancing things comes into play.

If she were on vacation for two weeks or out of town on business for two weeks, whatever, that's a different story. But when we live so close, it's just difficult to comprehend. It's even more difficult to comprehend when she says she's not doing it by choice and that she's not entirely sure what she can do about it.

September 21, 2015

It will be. There will be other briefs, in the near and continuing future, as well as other projects. She's new to the firm, she's going to be doing the grunt work for several years, even if they bring on additional help. That's how it is with that career path.

Yes, she will be busy and I am aware of that. But you would be hard-pressed to find many people (not working at a major firm) who think billing 210 hours a month is normal or expected.

As mentioned, she is doing a lot of work she shouldn't have to do and there is too much work for only two litigation associates.

September 21, 2015

Yes, she will be busy and I am aware of that. But you would be hard-pressed to find many people (not working at a major firm) who think billing 210 hours a month is normal or expected.

It was very normal and expected when I was starting out, whether in small boutique firms or Big Law. The DA's office regularly put in 50+ hour weeks as well.

As mentioned, she is doing a lot of work she shouldn't have to do and there is too much work for only two litigation associates.

It's her choice to stay there though, isn't it?

Nothing you're describing sounds any different than anything I or any of my friends experienced in our first 3-5 years after law school, when we all remained very very single. We dated, but relationships were not really all that great.

September 21, 2015

It was very normal and expected when I was starting out, whether in small boutique firms or Big Law. The DA's office regularly put in 50+ hour weeks as well.

It's her choice to stay there though, isn't it?

Nothing you're describing sounds any different than anything I or any of my friends experienced in our first 3-5 years after law school, when we all remained very very single. We dated, but relationships were not really all that great.

Just so we're on the same page, we're talking billable hours and not hours worked, correct? Everything she has told me and I have read indicates that 210 a month is outrageous, especially for a small firm. It's also well beyond the firm minimum.

And yes, it is her choice to stay. Which is why she said she is going to give it 6 months.

September 21, 2015

And yes, it is her choice to stay. Which is why she said she is going to give it 6 months.

Then this is all the information you need.

Stop pressing.

September 21, 2015

Just so we're on the same page, we're talking billable hours and not hours worked, correct? Everything she has told me and I have read indicates that 210 a month is outrageous, especially for a small firm. It's also well beyond the firm minimum.

And yes, it is her choice to stay. Which is why she said she is going to give it 6 months.

A young associate "billing" (entering into the computer) 210 probably nets 160 after those hours are cut/adjusted by the managing partner to what can actually be billed in good faith to a client due to the associate's learning curve, and it's that net that is the true minimum the associate has to meet, not the gross.

That's why they work so much. Otherwise meeting a 2000-2100 yearly benchmark would be easy.

She's grossing 210, but that's not her net, that's not what counts.

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Is she losing interest or just going through a transition phase?

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