Gold Pile Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 I've been putting in the effort to make a real relationship with a woman who has been a FWB for a long time. It hasn't been easy, even her cat hates me... Today was the lunch with her sister test. I was unhappy with the neighborhood her sister chose for lunch, the food was great but the area was just plain dangerous. From our window seats I was all too aware of the parade of nonstop foot traffic. Pregnant children, tattooed adults, loud music, and mean looking men. Her sister tried to make me relax, she said the restaurant had some sort of protection and the patrons were always safe. I was doing a pretty good job of being witty and charming until I saw trouble brewing outside. An old man (looked like he was 90) hanging around outside. He was all hunched over and leaning heavily on his cane. He alternated between admiring the flowers lining the parking area and counting his money. Talk about a target. I saw a lot of hard guys and hard tattooed children looking at him. Surprisingly most of them suppressed the urge to attack. Their number seemed to grow, more and more of the neighborhood regulars were gathering to watch the impending calamity. Finally 3 buff, heavily inked, hoods showed up. They headed straight for him. I didn't want to carry the burden of seeing the violence that was about to happen, so I focused on my food. My girlfriend said "look, they're gonna mug that old man". So much for me pretending not to see. I announced that I would go help the old man out. The jaded old restaurant owner was nearby and he just chuckled at the drama outside. By the time I stepped outside it was all over. The horrible moans of an injured man filled the air. The old man's face was locked in a grimace until he saw me and burst into a wide grin. He shouted "Pile!, how are you my friend?". He released his grip on the thug's neck. The hood scurried off with a limp and left several of his teeth behind. His friends were across the street by now. One was holding his clearly broken wrist, the other was trying to stem the blood flowing from his nose & mouth. The locals were highly amused. I told my very old friend that I was glad to see him and was there to help him. We both burst out laughing. My friend known as "Birch" for the birch cane he had. He is close to 100 (?)and very fit. The hobbling around with hunched shoulders, leaning on the cane, and flashing money is just his way of luring in crooks. Nobody enjoys a good fight like old birchy. He was walking upright now and carrying his cane. We walked into the restaurant, the owner said "have a seat Birch" and gave him a plate of food and a half full glass of beer. Birch produced a flask of his favorite, vile, booze... and poured it into the glass. Every Xmas he forces me to have a shot of this horrendous Euro-home-brew. I gasp in pain just thinking about it. My girlfriend and her sister were confused but I did make a good impression on them. 5
wizer Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Nice "feel good" story but it's hard to believe a 100 year old man can singlehandedly fight off 3 muscular thugs without getting a scratch on him. 2
MidwestUSA Posted July 20, 2015 Posted July 20, 2015 Nice "feel good" story but it's hard to believe a 100 year old man can singlehandedly fight off 3 muscular thugs without getting a scratch on him. Nevermind that ****. I'm trying to get over the fact the GP probably thinks of my home as dangerous, seeing as it has two tattooed adults in it. What's the rest of the story about? 5
Author Gold Pile Posted July 21, 2015 Author Posted July 21, 2015 Nice "feel good" story but it's hard to believe a 100 year old man can singlehandedly fight off 3 muscular thugs without getting a scratch on him. I tell ya whizzer you have to see Birch to believe it. His bed is a sheet metal slab with a neck pillow. He exercises vigorously for 3 hours a day. When he was 11 in Europe someone shot him in the leg. Naturally he killed the man who shot him. He then started carrying the Birch cane. You can fist fight Birch and he will only rough you up a little. If you pull a knife he will break your wrist and rough you up. But you don't want to pull a gun on him, that gets him very mad. I kid you not....he has 3 bullet wounds that I know of. He tried boxing but considered fighting with gloves to be best left to sissies. Birch has a code of ethics, he won't start fights with anyone. He has only 3 passions in life...fighting, mimes, and his 80ish landlady. 1
S_A Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I know this Belizean joint in the worst part of town imaginable. When I walk in they look at me like they never seen a white boy before. They have really good ox tail.
wizer Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 I tell ya whizzer you have to see Birch to believe it. His bed is a sheet metal slab . I'm surprised he doesn't sleep on a bed of nails. 3
OpenBook Posted July 21, 2015 Posted July 21, 2015 Birchy was your Wing Man! :D You owe him one my friend... 1
wizer Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 My grandmother was 101 and in a nursing home and we were visiting her one day. We were wheeling her towards the bingo room when suddenly there was a commotion by the front reception area. Turns out the place was being robbed and 3 very strong and fit masked robbers were making their way to the door with a stack of social security and disability checks intended for the residents. Suddenly, my supposedly disabled elderly grandmother leaps out of her chair, does a few somersalts at least 6 feet in the air, also combined with some sideways bounces off the walls (Think of the movie "Matrix") and she lands in between the robbers and the exit door! With a few swift karate moves combined with effective use of her cane, the 3 robbers were on the floor unconscious, and my elderly grandmother looked at me with a smile and said "Sonny boy I didn't think I still had it in me but lookie here! Can you please help this old lady back to her wheelchair?". As I helped her hobble back to the chair, I had to blink a few times to be sure what I had just witnessed was real. I had no idea my grandmother was a blackbelt in karate, and I'm so glad I never complained about those lousy $25 birthday checks that never increased to account for inflation.
Author Gold Pile Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 My grandmother was 101 and in a nursing home and we were visiting her one day. We were wheeling her towards the bingo room when suddenly there was a commotion by the front reception area. Turns out the place was being robbed and 3 very strong and fit masked robbers were making their way to the door with a stack of social security and disability checks intended for the residents. Suddenly, my supposedly disabled elderly grandmother leaps out of her chair, does a few somersalts at least 6 feet in the air, also combined with some sideways bounces off the walls (Think of the movie "Matrix") and she lands in between the robbers and the exit door! With a few swift karate moves combined with effective use of her cane, the 3 robbers were on the floor unconscious, .........Geeze Whizzer, I'm sorry to say that sounds a little far fetched;) 3
Author Gold Pile Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 What did you order for lunch? I ordered the cheapskate combo, and a miser salad. The water was free. 1
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Years ago, I heard a story about this old Irish man in NYC. This guy was a British Army vet from WWII, and fought in the Troubles and in the Irish Civil War (on the losing side, at which time he left Ireland). He may have afterwards been in the French Foreign Legion but nobody was sure. Eventually he wound up in the States where he performed services for the Irish Mob. Those services probably included murder for hire, but nobody was real clear on that, either. In his 90s, he was usually found drinking in some bucket of blood, and was strictly left alone. Word was that he was still fast enough, and dangerous enough, to put a bullet through your forehead if you f*cked with him. If I ever write a screenplay, I'm working him into it somehow. 2
wizer Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 Geeze Whizzer, I'm sorry to say that sounds a little far fetched;) I'm just trying to fit in. 2
GorillaTheater Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 British Army vet from WWII "I", of course, not "II". 1
MidwestUSA Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 I'm just trying to fit in. I know in the dating section, we normally reiterate that there are no such things as leagues. Here, there are. Back to the minors for you! 2
Toodaloo Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Geeze Whizzer, I'm sorry to say that sounds a little far fetched;) Tell me about it. Clearly Birch is Ex Pat British....
Author Gold Pile Posted July 23, 2015 Author Posted July 23, 2015 Tell me about it. Clearly Birch is Ex Pat British.... Indeed 2theLoo he is...sort of. His Father was a British military officer attached (military/diplomatic post)to the Czar's court in Russia. He married a Russia woman. As punishment for being involved in Rasputin's murder, one of the royal family was sent to be a long term observer to the British military in the Middle East. Birchy's future father was chosen to accompany him. This was one lucky royal as he escaped the fate of the other Russian royals during the revolution. I think he went on to date Coco Channel (??) It's unclear if Birch was born in Russia or later in Rumania. The family lived in exile as Birch's Mom was part of the Czar's extended family. An old "wanted" poster is on Birch's wall. It's from the Nazi's who considered him a resistance fighter. Truth was that Birch was only getting in bar fights with cocky German soldiers. Birch wasn't patriotic to any country except (later) the US. Birch beat the crap out of one German too many, the Officer signed the order (with the hand that wasn't broken) labeling him as a "criminal". Birch considers those days as amongst his happiest. After the war he enjoyed many brawls with the Russian soldiers who enslaved his adoptive country. Birchy blazed a trail of violence ever Eastward. It's said that Stalin himself ordered extra troops to hunt him down. A drunken Birch had bellowed that he was on his way to Moscow to kick Stalin's ass. Apparently Stalin lived in fear of him and had his guards view Birchy's picture monthly. Indeed Birch has a 1954 newspaper picture of a Russian officer, in it you can see a photo of Birch on the wall. Stalin passed away b4 Birch could make good his threat. It was a sore spot with him. 2 weeks after Stalin's death he landed in the US. He keeps various ticket stubs and a passport that show his trail from Moscow (dang he was close!) to India, etc until landing here. 2
wizer Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 Most people don't know that Napoleans' march through Europe was stopped by my grandmother who leveled a bed pan at his head. Because his hand was always in his shirt he was unable to deflect it in time and down he went.
Toodaloo Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 It's unclear if Birch was born in Russia or later in Rumania. Nah to have balls this big he must have been born in Brighton... Southampton at a push... 1
Author Gold Pile Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 Most people don't know that Napoleans' march through Europe was stopped by my grandmother who leveled a bed pan at his head. Because his hand was always in his shirt he was unable to deflect it in time and down he went. Your Grandma and Birch would have been a great match. 1
Kasan Posted July 24, 2015 Posted July 24, 2015 Gold Pile - Good to see you are still at it after all of these years!!! 1
Author Gold Pile Posted July 25, 2015 Author Posted July 25, 2015 (edited) Gold Pile - Good to see you are still at it after all of these years!!!aw shucks Welcome back! where have you been? Edited July 25, 2015 by Gold Pile
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