joseb Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Fair point, but I fail to understand why he would believe shaming/manipulating her *would* make a difference......she will see right through that! Any women would. And will only serve to piss her off. It just would not work fitness fan. Maybe this is a basic guy/girl difference then? I know for me, once I find my jeans not fitting, then time to cut back on eating. Or when I go for a ride in the hills and my buddy drops me, I know I'm outta shape and need to get back to training. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Maybe this is a basic guy/girl difference then? I know for me, once I find my jeans not fitting, then time to cut back on eating. Or when I go for a ride in the hills and my buddy drops me, I know I'm outta shape and need to get back to training. Oh I agree! And when my jeans get too tight, I cut down too! The difference here..... is that if my *boyfriend* bought me the smaller size jeans ...... KNOWING they were too small, but insisting I model for him anyway......THAT would be manipulative and would NOT motivate me to lose weight. It would piss me off cuz I don't like being manipulated. See the difference? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Maybe this is a basic guy/girl difference then? I know for me, once I find my jeans not fitting, then time to cut back on eating. Or when I go for a ride in the hills and my buddy drops me, I know I'm outta shape and need to get back to training. Oh I agree! And when my jeans get too tight, I cut down too! The difference here..... is that if my *boyfriend* bought me the smaller size jeans ...... KNOWING they were too small, but insisting I model for him anyway......I would see right through that *trick* .....which is manipulative and would NOT motivate me to want to lose weight. It would piss me off cuz I don't like being manipulated. See the difference? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 That's why doing something more in the moment like buying her a pair of jeans or a dress six sizes too small would do the trick nicely. He says "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how sexy you look". Then when she realizes that she can't fit into what he's physically attracted to, it will give her a harsh dose of reality. Granted it's mean and manipulative. But she'll have the image of that burned into her brain as motivation to workout more and eat better. Then it becomes all about her wanting to change for herself, and not because her boyfriend wants her to go to the gym. This is down right mean. She's going to see right through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 yeah, um guys and girls are so different about eating and weight for most part. I think they could never even imagine the things going through the heads of girls, even without weight issues about food, dieting, exercise, fitting into clothes etc. It's rarely straightforward. Anyway, it's her issue and there's very little OP can do that will have an impact. Apart from leave her for his own sake because they are not compatible. I'm not advising that but I think that's where this will end up unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 People trying to 'trick' others into doing this or that is just patronizing and juvenile. Adults don't behave that way, they recognize the autonomy of other adults and allow them to determine their own fate. That doesn't mean you can't speak to them honestly about your concerns, but silly attempts to manipulate behavior ....no. There would be harsh repercussions in store for anyone who tried that w/me or anyone I was close to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 This isn't about her weight, but her attitude towards doing something about it. Hey if she isn't the active type, fine, she can eat away.....she just needs to find a man who likes to eat too and not care about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Oh I agree! And when my jeans get too tight, I cut down too! The difference here..... is that if my *boyfriend* bought me the smaller size jeans ...... KNOWING they were too small, but insisting I model for him anyway......I would see right through that *trick* .....which is manipulative and would NOT motivate me to want to lose weight. It would piss me off cuz I don't like being manipulated. See the difference? Yeah, I do think she's gonna see through this one, especially since he's been bugging her to go to the gym. My friend with a nasty, controlling boyfriend (which the OP does not sound like) who thought she should try to get in shape at a size 4 already tried to cut her off from ONE ice cream cone and then bought her a gym bag to motivate AND that was world war 3. It did not go unnoticed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 That's why doing something more in the moment like buying her a pair of jeans or a dress six sizes too small would do the trick nicely. He says "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how sexy you look". Then when she realizes that she can't fit into what he's physically attracted to, it will give her a harsh dose of reality. Granted it's mean and manipulative. But she'll have the image of that burned into her brain as motivation to workout more and eat better. Then it becomes all about her wanting to change for herself, and not because her boyfriend wants her to go to the gym. That'll help her lose 200# super fast by dumping him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 20, 2015 Share Posted July 20, 2015 Some may see this as mean or manipulative. But until she comes face to face with real life situations that snap her back to reality, she won't have motivation to change. Example - He buys her a pair of jeans or a dress as a gift that he knows she won't fit into. When she opens it, he tells her "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how good you look". Not being able to wear it will make her realize how big she's become. Or he plans a picnic. But it's at the end of a massive hiking trail with lots of hills. He makes her play catch up a few times. When she sees how much she struggled on the hike, she realizes how out of shape she's become. In the end, you can tell someone that they need to lose weight, get in shape, etc all you want. But until a person actually sees real life examples of it, they won't feel the need to change. Two of the most common reasons why clients of mine wanted to start personal training - to fit into smaller clothes or to get in better shape to keep up with a s/o or their kids. Nice plan dude, but it won't work. She'll tell herself "I need to lose some weight to fit into this" and she never will. She'll hang it up and nothin 'll ever happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Observer10 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 200# at 5'2" is a lot, but many men (myself include) can be fine with it. Actually we're mysteriously hard wired to prefer it. The real concern here is the family tendency - being reduced to using a scooter isn't just size acceptance, its a bummer of a way to have to live. These two need to have a frank discussion not about her present weight but life style and boundaries going forward. He needs to sy "I'm not going to dump you because we have a lot going for us, but unless you're able to live life wisely we'll just have to be satisfied with being friends until time catches up with you." Link to post Share on other sites
MoreAmore Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 200# at 5'2" is a lot, but many men (myself include) can be fine with it. Actually we're mysteriously hard wired to prefer it. " This is true. I'm 5'4 and 175 lb (a comfortable size 12 -not into tight) and have met many men who prefer my body type... And a lot who are happy to find my body type combined with my love of exercise (I work out daily and always have) because they've had to choose one or the other in the past. I will say, though, I lost weight at one point (hope to again) and got to 135 lb, which is a very lean size 2 with my build. My partner at the time was honest that it wasn't his preferred body type and he was worried that I wasn't making healthy choices in the degree I was extremely obsessed and limiting with what I was eating, but he didn't passively aggressively try to guilt me into gaining or buy food in hopes I would become what he wanted. He supported me in what made me happy. That's on the opposite side, but illustrates the problem with some of these suggestions. It's dishonest and underhanded and manipulative. You have to figure out what is bothering you. Is it attraction? Then be honest about that. Maybe you are just not compatible. If she continued only working out a couple times a week and overate but was magically was svelte and lean, would that bother you? That's worth knowing because it's the root of the problem, not health and not compatible lifestyles. Don't lie and make it about health. If you are fine with the attraction but want her to change habits, be honest about that too. I'm a big fan of being honesty. It's the only way to approach these things. Also know you can't change anyone. You accept, you say what you can accept, and you stay or go. Not everyone is meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Vercetti Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Don't deal with it, will only get worse. They have a wonderful way of lieing and to themselfs and being self destructive. Want logical, systmetic, and objective...forget it. Going to the gym once a month is enough to think doing things right. Just having one snack a. Day is reward for doing things right. Selective memory will have them saying haven't ate all day, when had half a week of food. If the person was on meth destroying thier body...would be easy for people to say get out. But cause it's a girl, and love, and not being a superficial guy.....people will advise waste your life on a junkie with emotional problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Gary S Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 If she goes to the gym once or twice a week, that's actually good, and not the problem... obviously, she eats too much. If you have tried everything else, and it sounds like you have, you might have to try tough love love.... cut off sex, affection, romance (but never trust or respect)..... when she asks, "What's wrong" - that's your cue to have a discussion and explain that it turns you off. When she has something to loose, then maybe she'll be ready to really listen. Plus, you'll be doing her a favor - obesity is not healthy. Sometimes, for best results, it has to be their own idea to change. Link to post Share on other sites
PussySlam Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 If she doesn't see a problem and is comfortable with the way she is, she's not going to start trying to lose weight just because you want her to. When you come home from a long day at work and know you should probably go to the gym, but don't feel like it, what's your motivation for going anyway? It comes from that extra drive you have deep inside that wants that change. If you're a smoker, what's that motivation to keep quit when that craving gets so bad? That deep desire to never smoke again. Not someone nagging you about it. She has to want it for herself. Don't manipulate or shame her into being what you want. It's not going to stick. And it's just mean. If you don't want to date a fat girl, then go find someone who values fitness and nutrition the way you do. I get it - I couldn't date someone who didn't care, either. Link to post Share on other sites
danmillar Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 my attraction to her is just noise diving due to the size. Dump her and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 Katie, The problem is that he has been honest with her. If you read the original post, he's talked to her about it. She's even admitted that she let herself go. But now her eating habits are worse than ever. To make matters worse, she's lying about it and hiding junk food around the house. So when someone makes those types of choices, having yet another "discussion" about it won't do any good. She's acting like an addict with her behavior and needs to hit rock bottom to realize that she needs to change. The OP has tried to get her to go to the gym with him, but she also fights that tooth and nail as well. As of right now, she's content to eat like crap and let herself get as big as possible. I mean 210lbs @ 5'2" is not just over weight. It's massively obese and she's willingly doing that to herself. It's not up to him to save her. If she won't change and he won't accept it, he can leave. No need to turn into a douchebag. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Maleficent Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I would, but....boobies are nice! A lot of men actually have boobies... Just sayin' lol Link to post Share on other sites
IronZ Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 To put it in perspective, I'm 5'8 and about 170lbs, and I have a good bit of muscle on me as well (which is heavier than fat) and I'm not exactly a skinny guy and could afford to lose a few more pounds (a work in progress). At 5'2 and 200lbs (and I'm guessing probably no muscle at all) she is "fat." Health-wise, this is not good. Looks-wise, I can't imagine you would be attracted to her. Nothing more to it. It's all in the details right in front of you. If you're ok with what she is, then by all means stay with her, but ff you're not into her anymore you should move along. Link to post Share on other sites
Trace Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Basically until your girlfriend decides it's time to lose weight she won't. I was lean, going to the gym 5 times a week when I met my boyfriend. He is the same very healthy looks after himself. My mum died I stopped training and started comfort eating. My boyfriend was fantastic and said when I'm ready I will train and eat well again. He still called me beautiful, and put up with the weight gain for 8 months. It was like a switch I had come out of the other side, and I just said one night when he was leaving for the gym, I'm coming with you. The weight started to drop off again and I loved my boyfriend even more for supporting me. Who knows why she is gaining weight, I think if you find out that it will make a difference just be there for her, love her she will get there where she wants to be healthy again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
DaisyBug Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Basically until your girlfriend decides it's time to lose weight she won't. I was lean, going to the gym 5 times a week when I met my boyfriend. He is the same very healthy looks after himself. My mum died I stopped training and started comfort eating. My boyfriend was fantastic and said when I'm ready I will train and eat well again. He still called me beautiful, and put up with the weight gain for 8 months. It was like a switch I had come out of the other side, and I just said one night when he was leaving for the gym, I'm coming with you. The weight started to drop off again and I loved my boyfriend even more for supporting me. Who knows why she is gaining weight, I think if you find out that it will make a difference just be there for her, love her she will get there where she wants to be healthy again. Aww!! You have a keeper!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Trace Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Aww!! You have a keeper!!! Yes I'm very lucky, he is one in a million in a lot of ways :-) I just know the girlfriend in question here is burying something with food. A lot of people just think the person in question is lazy, stuffing their faces and all they need to do is stop, eat salad! It's not that easy, In this case it was grief for me, but it could be something in her childhood, how she was treated in a previous relationship. I think eating the way she is, is kind of like self harming. There is a reason for it, you get to that, resolve it the weight gain will stop. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 1, 2015 Share Posted August 1, 2015 Some people just like to eat, doesn't mean they have hidden issues. Link to post Share on other sites
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