GF Gaining Weight

[kendahke]

OP--how long have you been dating her? When you two first started dating, was she active? Did she exhibit good, healthy tendencies and habits? Did she eat cleanly and healthily?

 

If she never did from the start, then why did you remain with someone who was the complete opposite of what you find attractive? I don't believe she zoomed up to 200+ lbs after a weekend with her family--she had to be pretty darn close to that when you decided it was good policy to date her and have sex with her. So what exactly happened that snapped you out of the stupor you'd been lulled into with her?

 

In my experience, people pretty much show you who/what they are about within the first 6 weeks of knowing them. You had to have witnessed her eating habits and her lack of exercise long before now. Why did you stick around?

[ascendotum]

Idk about everyone else here but heartache is just about my best diet. Maybe breaking up with her is just the kick in the pants she needs to start getting in shape again.

 

Yes, and I'd say it will work, just like it did between her ex breaking up with her and up till the OP started dating her. You see this lose weight->get relationship->gain weight->breakup->lose weight->get relationship cycle often in some people. Some break it and I think it easier to do when you are younger. Have to admit this scenario would be worse if it happened soon after marriage.

 

I agree with what FF wrote. Your desire to have them lose weight has to be framed a certain way though otherwise there will be resentment. I've been in weight gain relationships and it can be tricky as even subtle measures to get her to change like going swimming or hiking or join me at the gym or rock climbing would get seen in a cynical way for what my motivation was, and if they have some sort of injury/health issue/work stress issue, expect that to get used often as the reason they cant. Unfortunately given the description of her sister & mother and their food fests when together, I'd say that's her future unless she does something like stomach stapling.

[Amalyn]

Personal hygiene and health is very important to me. It's not a good sign if someone is letting themselves go. Seems like this is a regular cycle for her. She is using eating as a form of coping mechanism. Has she ever seen a counselor? Maybe just someone she can talk to?

[Popsicle]

Before we go on, how tall are you and how much do you weigh?

[jay1983]

Holy crap! That's 100 pounds more than ME and I'm only an inch shorter than her!

 

This is a LIFETIME of being overweight. This didn't just happen over the holidays or the last few months. It's a lifetime of being raised by morbidly obese people who taught her their eating habits. There's ALWAYS going to be a reason she has to eat crap and make herself even fatter. You can drag her to the gym every single night and it's not going to change anything. You can appeal to her 'health' all you want and it ain't gonna change a damned thing.

 

She's well on her way to the 'massive' status of the rest of her family. Give her a few more years. I guess it's up to you as to how big she'll get before it becomes a deal breaker for you.

Very ugly way to put it, but you're probably correct.

This is a compatibility issue....you like being active, and enjoy taking care of your health, she likes to eat and sit on her ass. It's not up to you to ACCEPT this, or to FIX this. You are not obligated to **support** her. You have expectations that are now not being met. She has released her dirty secret....she loses weight to attract a man, then lets herself go once she gets one. She is a yoyo dieter, weight loss dreamer. If this is unacceptable, then this relationship is over.

 

This too.

[fitnessfan365]

Some may see this as mean or manipulative. But until she comes face to face with real life situations that snap her back to reality, she won't have motivation to change.

 

Example - He buys her a pair of jeans or a dress as a gift that he knows she won't fit into. When she opens it, he tells her "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how good you look". Not being able to wear it will make her realize how big she's become. Or he plans a picnic. But it's at the end of a massive hiking trail with lots of hills. He makes her play catch up a few times. When she sees how much she struggled on the hike, she realizes how out of shape she's become. In the end, you can tell someone that they need to lose weight, get in shape, etc all you want. But until a person actually sees real life examples of it, they won't feel the need to change. Two of the most common reasons why clients of mine wanted to start personal training - to fit into smaller clothes or to get in better shape to keep up with a s/o or their kids.

[Versacehottie]

I agree with FF about a picnic with a hike getting there. it will put things into context. I think a vacation 5 months away might be something she will just f*ck up. Even people with more discipline would!!!

[fitnessfan365]

I agree with FF about a picnic with a hike getting there. it will put things into context. I think a vacation 5 months away might be something she will just f*ck up. Even people with more discipline would!!!

 

That's why doing something more in the moment like buying her a pair of jeans or a dress six sizes too small would do the trick nicely. He says "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how sexy you look". Then when she realizes that she can't fit into what he's physically attracted to, it will give her a harsh dose of reality.

 

Granted it's mean and manipulative. But she'll have the image of that burned into her brain as motivation to workout more and eat better. Then it becomes all about her wanting to change for herself, and not because her boyfriend wants her to go to the gym.

[katiegrl]

Some may see this as mean or manipulative. But until she comes face to face with real life situations that snap her back to reality, she won't have motivation to change.

 

Example - He buys her a pair of jeans or a dress as a gift that he knows she won't fit into. When she opens it, he tells her "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how good you look". Not being able to wear it will make her realize how big she's become. Or he plans a picnic. But it's at the end of a massive hiking trail with lots of hills. He makes her play catch up a few times. When she sees how much she struggled on the hike, she realizes how out of shape she's become. In the end, you can tell someone that they need to lose weight, get in shape, etc all you want. But until a person actually sees real life examples of it, they won't feel the need to change. Two of the most common reasons why clients of mine wanted to start personal training - to fit into smaller clothes or to get in better shape to keep up with a s/o or their kids.

 

I dunno ff, I know you mean it to be helpful, but what you are essentially recommending is that he *shame* her into losing weight.

 

Shaming tactics are cruel are rarely work.

 

I don't know what prompted your clients to want to fit into smaller size clothes to keep up with their partners, but I highly doubt their partners shamed them into it.

 

Maybe it would work in some cases, but it is not a very kind, loving or caring thing to do to your partner.

 

JMO.

[katiegrl]

I dunno ff, I know you mean it to be helpful, but what you are essentially recommending is that he *shame* her into losing weight.

 

Shaming tactics are cruel are rarely work.

 

I don't know what prompted your clients to want to fit into smaller size clothes to keep up with their partners, but I highly doubt their partners shamed them into it.

 

Maybe it would work in some cases, but it is not a very kind, loving or caring thing to do to your partner.

 

JMO.

 

I think he could make his point by approaching it from the perspective of her health.

 

And her taking pride in herself, including her appearance .... and in her health.

 

He could tell her the fact she doesn't give a crap about herself and her own health is turning him off...and if something doesn't change, he will leave.

 

And he should say this assertively so she gets it ....... and believes it!

 

A lot more honest than shaming her. IMO.

 

So far he has said nothing! She probably is not even aware her weight bothers him!

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[fitnessfan365]

I dunno ff, I know you mean it to be helpful, but what you are essentially recommending is that he *shame* her into losing weight.

 

Shaming tactics are cruel are rarely work.

 

I don't know what prompted your clients to want to fit into smaller size clothes to keep up with their partners, but I highly doubt their partners shamed them into it.

 

Maybe it would work in some cases, but it is not a very kind, loving or caring thing to do to your partner.

 

JMO.

 

Oh I'll be the first to admit that it's mean and manipulative. But extreme situations, require extreme measures. I mean how loving or caring is it of her towards her BF to live the way she does? She is slowly killing herself and doesn't give a crap. That's the truth.

 

So based on how nonchalant she is with her lifestyle choices, I think it would take something like that to put things in perspective.

[Tayla]

most suggestions here seem rather judgmental and non productive to the well being of the relationship or the person.

 

Op- refocus here and prioritize in an adult manner.

 

long term goals need to start with simple tasks. Ask her to remove one unhealthy thing and substitute one good thing. Such as No soda, more water.

 

Each week keep changing up the substitution list. It can include , instead of taking the car to the park, walk to it. or take the stairs instead of an elevator.

 

Each small change brings a sense of confidence.

 

If though you are repulsed and simply cannot be in it for the long haul, remove yourself. She doesn't deserve to be put thru any more downcasting.

 

Few ppl when making snide comments really care one iota about the persons health, otherwise they'd be a support.

First and foremost, accept her as is and then work towards goals to see them improve.

 

Preraph, i think you made so positive remarks for the Op to consider.

[katiegrl]

Oh I'll be the first to admit that it's mean and manipulative. But extreme situations, require extreme measures. I mean how loving or caring is it of her towards her BF to live the way she does? She is slowly killing herself and doesn't give a crap. That's the truth.

 

So based on how nonchalant she is with her lifestyle choices, I think it would take something like that to put things in perspective.

 

Okay, but you have to know there is always the chance it may blow up in his face.

 

I mean, assuming I was overweight, if my bf bought me jeans or a dress 2-3 sizes TOO SMALL ...and insisted I try it on "for him* ......knowing it would not fit.......I would see right through that manipulative crap, and think he was an insensitive, cruel bastard who was attempting to shame me or embarrass me into losing weight.

 

Most intelligent women would!

 

I would wonder why the hell he just could not be honest......and I would be pissed.

 

So much for that!

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[jen1447]

I dunno ff, I know you mean it to be helpful, but what you are essentially recommending is that he *shame* her into losing weight.

 

Shaming tactics are cruel are rarely work.

 

I don't know what prompted your clients to want to fit into smaller size clothes to keep up with their partners, but I highly doubt their partners shamed them into it.

 

Maybe it would work in some cases, but it is not a very kind, loving or caring thing to do to your partner.

 

JMO.

 

Aside from being cruel, if he were to do the hiking suggestion he'd have to be prepared to carry her out himself or even worse 'let' her have a heart attack to prove his point. Yeah no.

[katiegrl]

This is why I prefer dealing with men on circumstances like this. One of my best friends came to me about his dating woes, and I told him he couldn't get a date because he was a fat azz. We laughed about it, he started working out and dieting, and now he has a GF. He didn't cry, call me mean or say I was shaming him. He just acknowledged the truth and did something about it.

 

 

 

Would the truth work any better? "Honey, don't you think you should put the snack cakes down? You're getting fat as f*ck." I think Fitness' suggestion is much nicer than the truth.

 

Oh come on.....exaggerrate much? Sheesh.

 

Read my post again.. Approach it sensitively from the perspective of her health. And taking pride in herself and her appearance, and how the fact she doesn't seem to give a crap turns him off!

 

If she chooses not to make changes after that, then clearly she does NOT give a crap (about herself OR him).....and he should break up with her for THAT!

[Versacehottie]

well yeah enigma you're right. But unfortunately many women are emotional eaters whereas a lot of guys aren't. 100% that OP's gf is an emotional eater.

[bu2002]

This is a compatibility issue....you like being active, and enjoy taking care of your health, she likes to eat and sit on her ass. It's not up to you to ACCEPT this, or to FIX this. You are not obligated to **support** her. You have expectations that are now not being met. She has released her dirty secret....she loses weight to attract a man, then lets herself go once she gets one. She is a yoyo dieter, weight loss dreamer. If this is unacceptable, then this relationship is over.

 

This.

 

The original poster can babysit her and use up a lot of time and energy trying to motiviate her to lose weight and change her habits. But that's not enough. She has to want to lose this weight and live a healthy lifestyle, without his babysitting.

[ascendotum]

THe says "Go try this on. I can't wait to see how sexy you look". Then when she realizes that she can't fit into what he's physically attracted to, it will give her a harsh dose of reality.

 

Granted it's mean and manipulative. But she'll have the image of that burned into her brain as motivation to workout more and eat better.

You would hope it does inspire that motivation. Yeh its mean & manipulative but its also indirect/subtle and I get the inspiration behind it and you would hope it works as planned and is not a waste of $ or her going 'WTF this is way too small...did you check my dress size before you shopped'. It will work for some but not all that for sure. One of my gfs had put on weight, and one day I was having a closer look through her wardrobe and I saw all these great dresses/tops (some of it was real sexy gear) that she never wore. I told her they were great and she would look fantastic in them, and why she wasn't wearing them. She said they didn't fit her anymore. I said but if you get back to your old weight you could. She said why don't I buy her some new stuff in a bigger size. I said but you already got all this great stuff. A couple of weeks later they were given away. cue sad face

[katiegrl]

This is why I prefer dealing with men on circumstances like this. One of my best friends came to me about his dating woes, and I told him he couldn't get a date because he was a fat azz. We laughed about it, he started working out and dieting, and now he has a GF. He didn't cry, call me mean or say I was shaming him. He just acknowledged the truth and did something about it.

 

 

 

Would the truth work any better? "Honey, don't you think you should put the snack cakes down? You're getting fat as f*ck." I think Fitness' suggestion is much nicer than the truth.

 

No it is not much nicer.....not to a WOMAN it isn't.

 

It is manipulative and shaming.

 

No women with even a shred of self-respect is gonna appreciate that, let alone respond positively to it.

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[Versacehottie]

most suggestions here seem rather judgmental and non productive to the well being of the relationship or the person.

 

Op- refocus here and prioritize in an adult manner.

 

long term goals need to start with simple tasks. Ask her to remove one unhealthy thing and substitute one good thing. Such as No soda, more water.

 

Each week keep changing up the substitution list. It can include , instead of taking the car to the park, walk to it. or take the stairs instead of an elevator.

 

Each small change brings a sense of confidence.

 

If though you are repulsed and simply cannot be in it for the long haul, remove yourself. She doesn't deserve to be put thru any more downcasting.

 

Few ppl when making snide comments really care one iota about the persons health, otherwise they'd be a support.

First and foremost, accept her as is and then work towards goals to see them improve.

 

Preraph, i think you made so positive remarks for the Op to consider.

 

I guess we can consider this a brainstorming session but I don't think that's gonna work. The psychological component of a huge weight issue such as hers is that she needs to do it of her own will or weight loss will not stick or she will rebel against him. If she chooses to do it on her own, he can be supportive with these suggestions but she will probably still feel like he is interfering or that it has bearing on their relationship (which it does but she's not ready or willing to hear that). It will turn into bad things almost undoubtedly and affect their total relationship. FF is right that she has to be the one who decides that she wants to change and it usually is because of missing out on something with a loved one or noticing in context that they cannot lead the life they want. He can't needle her step by step through her own process. What your suggesting sounds good on paper but won't really impact her weight loss. If anything, it's guaranteed to destroy their relationship.

[fitnessfan365]

Katie,

 

The problem is that he has been honest with her. If you read the original post, he's talked to her about it. She's even admitted that she let herself go. But now her eating habits are worse than ever. To make matters worse, she's lying about it and hiding junk food around the house. So when someone makes those types of choices, having yet another "discussion" about it won't do any good. She's acting like an addict with her behavior and needs to hit rock bottom to realize that she needs to change.

 

The OP has tried to get her to go to the gym with him, but she also fights that tooth and nail as well. As of right now, she's content to eat like crap and let herself get as big as possible. I mean 210lbs @ 5'2" is not just over weight. It's massively obese and she's willingly doing that to herself.

[katiegrl]

This is why I prefer dealing with men on circumstances like this.

 

Perhaps you'd be better suited dating men then.....:p

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

The problem is that he has been honest with her. If you read the original post, he's talked to her about it. She's even admitted that she let herself go. But now her eating habits are worse than ever. To make matters worse, she's lying about it and hiding junk food around the house. So when someone makes those types of choices, having yet another "discussion" about it won't do any good. She's acting like an addict with her behavior and needs to hit rock bottom to realize that she needs to change.

 

The OP has tried to get her to go to the gym with him, but she also fights that tooth and nail as well. As of right now, she's content to eat like crap and let herself get as big as possible. I mean 210lbs @ 5'2" is not just over weight. It's massively obese and she's willingly doing that to herself.

 

Fair point, but I fail to understand why he would believe shaming/manipulating her *would* make a difference......she will see right through that! Any women would. And will only serve to piss her off.

 

It just would not work fitness fan.

 

Perhaps it is just time for him to leave. She just does not give a crap, about herself OR him. It's not even about her weight anymore. Her weight is just a symptom of the disease. The disease being she just doesn't give a crap.

 

Time to move on....

Edited July 20, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

The problem is that he has been honest with her. If you read the original post, he's talked to her about it. She's even admitted that she let herself go. But now her eating habits are worse than ever. To make matters worse, she's lying about it and hiding junk food around the house. So when someone makes those types of choices, having yet another "discussion" about it won't do any good. She's acting like an addict with her behavior and needs to hit rock bottom to realize that she needs to change.

 

The OP has tried to get her to go to the gym with him, but she also fights that tooth and nail as well. As of right now, she's content to eat like crap and let herself get as big as possible. I mean 210lbs @ 5'2" is not just over weight. It's massively obese and she's willingly doing that to herself.

 

I think the only way she will hit rock bottom is when he leaves her......unfortunately.

[fitnessfan365]

I think the only way she will hit rock bottom is when he leaves her......unfortunately.

 

Another thing the OP mentioned in his first post is that she's actually been left because of her weight in the past by an ex BF of hers. So that didn't shock her into changing her behavior.

 

It's going to take a harsh dose of reality like coming face to face with how out of shape she is, or not being able to fit into clothes the BF likes for her to truly get motivated to make a change IMO.