Dating my direct supervisor who is 21 years older, right after engagement to another.

[clia]

It is because he is my direct supervisor at work, and my ex-fiance accused me of cheating because he caught me with my direct supervisor.

 

My direct supervisor and I have had sex and he moved into my apartment after about 2 weeks.

 

I have not felt this passion since when I started first dating my ex-fiance, 7 years ago.

 

Do you think this relationship can last?

 

Why does a 49 year old man have to move into a 21 year old woman's apartment? This makes no sense. Is he an attorney at your firm? Can't he afford his own place? This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

Why didn't you get your own apartment while you were engaged?

[yxalitis]

I think 49 IS old and whilst not decrepit, there is a huge difference in ages here, and life stages.

 

So whilst anyone can date who they like, the fact that arabellakumar sees this as leading to marriage, when he is not even divorced yet is naive in the extreme and is I guess going to lead to heart ache. For a Lasting Marriage, Try Marrying Someone Your Own Age - The Atlantic

 

I can see what is in it for him, but I am struggling to see what is in it long term for her.

I hate statistics like that...there is no cause and effect here, just a coincidence of number.

Read this to see what I mean:Hilarious Graphs Prove That Correlation Isn?t Causation | Co.Design | business + design

Basically, the reasons two people get divorced are as varied and different as, well, people are, to stick up a graph to say "oh wow, look, age difference CAUSE more divorce" is bonkers

[elaine567]

This doesn't even sound like it is written from first-person, and yeah, the birthday story was shared in the forum not too long ago... hate my good memory.

 

I'm not convinced she left because of her boss... even if so, it is a consequence not cause...

 

Here maybe - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/531683-broken-engagement-over-1-1-lunch-coffee-w-male-boss

[elaine567]

Why does a 49 year old man have to move into a 21 year old woman's apartment? This makes no sense. Is he an attorney at your firm? Can't he afford his own place? This sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why didn't you get your own apartment while you were engaged?

 

Answer.....

 

My supervisor has a house in San Francisco that he lives in (and his separated wife still owns an interest in) but our workplace is only 1 mile from my apartment, that is why he stays at my place.

 

Not sure where the wife and kids actually live.

[arabellakumar]

I read it, it's not true what he says. My boss was just a friend.

 

I had ongoing issues with his mother and how he didn't protect me from the house situation by not moving me out or preventing his mother from lashing out. I was emotionally drained and had nothing left to give.

 

I broke up with him before I did anything with my boss.

[ascendotum]

First of all, you are entering very dangerous waters here especially since this is your direct supervisor you are sleeping with. If things goes south (and it typically does at some point for every relationship), then things can get messy fast within your work place due to where he stands above you.

 

So I hope you are considering looking for a new job while you are at it.

Dating or sleeping with the boss can also have the opposite effect and boost your career. If there is a breakup it will only get messy at work if she dumps him while he is still crazy over her, which could happen maybe 6 mths or maybe 6 yrs down the line, so don't think she needs to read the job ads just yet.

[Amalyn]

Starting an inappropriate relationship with your boss is one thing. But the fact he is only separated and not even divorced? The wife is still in the picture...

 

Wow. Have you thought what repercussions there may be for him if your work finds out you are sleeping with the boss? And letting him shack up after 1 month is a not a good idea.

 

Tread lightly.

[yxalitis]

Starting an inappropriate relationship with your boss is one thing. But the fact he is only separated and not even divorced? The wife is still in the picture...

 

Wow. Have you thought what repercussions there may be for him if your work finds out you are sleeping with the boss? And letting him shack up after 1 month is a not a good idea.

 

Tread lightly.

As a divorcee, I can tell yo..the wife will ALWAYS be in the picture when kids are involved.

[Amalyn]

As a divorcee, I can tell yo..the wife will ALWAYS be in the picture when kids are involved.

 

 

Well, I meant they are still married! There is a chance here of reconciliation. Not to mention, is the OP ready to be a step mother to his high school aged children? She may even want her own children one day but he's basically already lived that part of his life.

 

I just think the OP is looking for a rebound.

[elaine567]

I just think the OP is looking for a rebound.

 

I guess she was looking for an out, an exit affair and found a willing man in the shape of her boss, who being separated, was also ripe for a rebound relationship.

 

Both have come out of LTRs and NEEDED each other, but NEED is not LOVE.

I wonder who will wake up first...

[Perrier]

QUOTE In comparison to my ex-fiance, who hasn't started his career yet, my supervisor is financially stable and I feel that is manly that he can take care of me and make me feel safe.

 

My ex-fiance alerted HR, but the HR manager is my friend, and has been covering for me. Also, my ex-fiance also told my parents and our friends, so it would look bad if other people knew.

 

I can see the red flags, but this feels so real and exciting. I really care for him and he feels the same way. QUOTE

 

Many young women make this mistake. They like older men who are secure in life. Problem is they're not patient enough to wait for the younger men to find their mission or purpose. those older stable men had to start somewhere.

 

Many things wrong with your situation - he is still married, he moved into your place in lightening time, your HR friend is covering for you, your job and reputation could be at stake. Your 'man' may be done with having kids. Do you want kids? Etc. etc.

 

Your boss is taking advantage of your inexperience and naivety. I'd find another man who can make you feel the excitement this man gives you. Because believe me, if your boss was to suddenly divorce or bring your r'ship into the open he would not be so appealing to you.

[CarrieT]

Do you think this relationship can last?

Nope.

 

It is the way he makes me feel.

That is known as affair fog. Come back in about 12 to 18 months and I guarantee you will not feel the same.

[arabellakumar]

QUOTE In comparison to my ex-fiance, who hasn't started his career yet, my supervisor is financially stable and I feel that is manly that he can take care of me and make me feel safe.

 

My ex-fiance alerted HR, but the HR manager is my friend, and has been covering for me. Also, my ex-fiance also told my parents and our friends, so it would look bad if other people knew.

 

I can see the red flags, but this feels so real and exciting. I really care for him and he feels the same way. QUOTE

 

Many young women make this mistake. They like older men who are secure in life. Problem is they're not patient enough to wait for the younger men to find their mission or purpose. those older stable men had to start somewhere.

 

Many things wrong with your situation - he is still married, he moved into your place in lightening time, your HR friend is covering for you, your job and reputation could be at stake. Your 'man' may be done with having kids. Do you want kids? Etc. etc.

 

Your boss is taking advantage of your inexperience and naivety. I'd find another man who can make you feel the excitement this man gives you. Because believe me, if your boss was to suddenly divorce or bring your r'ship into the open he would not be so appealing to you.

 

 

 

But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

[Clarence_Boddicker]

It can work in the short term. Most May December relationships fail though. In most cases the younger person can't deal with all the age related differences & ends it. You wont know until you try it. If you can't handle the age gap anymore, please be honest about it & end things then. Don't stay until you get bitter or do something like cheat on him. I was in a May Dec RS with a larger age gap & wish my ex would have ended it sooner & with integrity, instead of with cheating and dishonesty.

[empresario]

All the advice here is really good. I will add, you obviously know there's a problem. That's why you're here.

 

 

Don't ignore your gut. It IS wrong. It IS weird.

 

 

I am a business owner. I see my employees as family at best, and at worst assets. I have had employees under me for 7 years.

 

 

I never once saw them as sexual beings. Why? Because it is completely unprofessional and very sick. To me it would be like starting a relationship with my sister. That's age aside.

 

 

Any new relationship will give you butterflies. That's what you're attracted to. It's been a long time since you felt it, but that will exist in any new relationship. Neither of you are feeling love. Love is the feeling you get after being with someone for years...long past the honeymoon phase.

[ExpatInItaly]

But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

 

From a legal standpoint, no. He is still married, and thus not able to marry another person.

 

And I remember this story too. Someone posted this not long ago.

[phineas]

I wonder if her current job will allow her to easily keep living there once he moves out & stops paying rent.

[Amalyn]

But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

Legally, no. It's not over. They are still married until the divorce is final. He has baggage.

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

 

For this to be a respected relationship he should be divorced (for long enough that he is completely ready for a real relationship) and for him not to be your boss.

 

Not only that, it would help if you both weren't on the rebound. Everyone has had rebound relationships and they realistically don't work.

[Amalyn]

One other thing to think about is....

 

If you were so sure about this relationship and loved being with this man, you would not be here seeking the advice and opinions of others.

[elaine567]

But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

 

Do not underestimate the power of a marriage.

Why did they separate?

[Perrier]

@arabellakumar QUOTE But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

QUOTE

 

1) They are still married, so he is still emotionally tied to marital residue.

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

 

He hides the r'ship at work yet he has already moved into your place,

suggesting the r'ship is serious. If he can move into your place and is supposedly proud of the situation he shouldn't have to hide the relationship at work. After all he is 'permanently separated' from his wife.

 

You also said you 'can see the red flags.'

[arabellakumar]

@arabellakumar QUOTE But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

 

QUOTE

 

1) They are still married, so he is still emotionally tied to marital residue.

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

 

He hides the r'ship at work yet he has already moved into your place,

suggesting the r'ship is serious. If he can move into your place and is supposedly proud of the situation he shouldn't have to hide the relationship at work. After all he is 'permanently separated' from his wife.

 

You also said you 'can see the red flags.'

 

 

 

Well it's a secret relationship because he is my direct supervisor, and I report only to him.

 

Also, my parents would never approve of this relationship if they knew. They do suspect because my ex-fiance brought it up to them.

[CarrieT]

But if he's been separated for so long and considers his wife an ex-wife, isn't the marriage over?

Then why hasn't he divorced her yet?

 

A divorce decree is when a marriage is over. Until then, it is still a marriage.

 

What would it take for this to be a respected relationship by others?

1. Have him move out of your apartment.

2. File for divorce.

3. Help you find another job to remove that conflict of interest.

4. Court you openly and honestly so that it doesn't have to be hidden or lied about.

[arabellakumar]

Do not underestimate the power of a marriage.

Why did they separate?

 

He said it is because after 10 years, kids, etc, they were no longer compatible. They have been permanently separated since at least 2012, but never got divorced.

 

He started working at my workplace in January 2014, but told everyone that he was still married. I started working there in November 2014 and he slowly confided in me that he was separated from his wife but no one else at work knows.

 

We decided to keep it a secret even though my ex-fiance outted us because he is my direct supervisor who I report to and my parents would kill me if they knew for certain.

 

It is really fun to go drinking and eating with him, and we have excellent rapport and can talk and laugh about anything.

 

I'm just not sure how everything will turn out.

[CarrieT]

He said it is because after 10 years, kids, etc, they were no longer compatible. They have been permanently separated since at least 2012, but never got divorced.

Did he tell you why?

 

He started working at my workplace in January 2014, but told everyone that he was still married.

Because he is still married.

 

It is really fun to go drinking and eating with him, and we have excellent rapport and can talk and laugh about anything.

Again, you are in the honeymoon period. This will not last.

 

I'm just not sure how everything will turn out.

My prediction? He will go back to his wife or you will get tired of waiting for him to be able to offer you an open and honest relationship and you will kick him out.