I tried to be nice...

[hotmrw]

Thanks for that buddy, you hit all the points, when I am told to cut the niceness out it confuses me, it confuses me because only last week she was nice, and wanted to be nice, then I try to be nice back and she does not want to be nice, I cant win, I am told to message her every day asking about my daughter, then I get my question ignored, I know her problem is that I have gone back to where I grown up for 5 days, but I will be back for when I see my daughter

why she has a problem with me going back to my home town I cant answer

I think she uses our daughter to control me, I honestly do, we had a bit of a ding dong slagging match the other day and then told my mother I might not be having my daughter on Thursday, all because we had an argument, how is that right, she has never told me she hates me, quite the opposite to be honest, and although I have a lot of emotions for her I do really care for her, its all just so raw at the moment like someone said, I would like no contact but it is impossible because of our daughter...

[Learningtowalkagain]

You're trying to make rational sense from an irrational person. Like you her range of emotions change. Your ex and my ex are very similar in that regard. One moment she was nice the next she was nasty. She's obviously angry at you. You both need to heal for your daughters sake. She's a shady and immoral person for doing what she did to you when there was a child involved. You can't take anything she says at face value. Stop looking for silver linings in everything she says to you. She made her choice to end the relationship on her own ****ty terms without even thinking about the pain she'd cause you. Trust me on this you're going to look back on your split as the best thing that's ever happened to you. Being with an emotionally unstable person with drastic mood swings is no way to go through life. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Go to court and file a petition for a custody agreement. That takes out all the 'when can I see my daughter' talk. Plus it gives you a routine which your daughter is going to need. Don't let her mom make the rules, courts don't favor women the way they did 20-30 years ago. Each parent is entitled to 50% custody. You might argue the times but that's the view courts take. I've been to court with my ex 7 times in 6 years. I know the process like its my job.

 

And YOU CAN go NC. Drop and pick your daughter up with a friend or relative. I did this for a few months until the situation settled.

Edited July 18, 2015 by Learningtowalkagain

[elaine567]

She doesn't want to hear you are having fun out with your other daughter and your other daughter's mother, maybe?? in your hometown, whilst she is stuck at home looking after YOUR daughter.

YOU are as free as a bird.

 

Satu is correct.

 

You "Hello, how is Ella?"

 

Your ex "She's ok."

 

You "Thats good, thanks, bye.

 

NO more, no less.

[hotmrw]

I think part of her problem is that she is not fully cooked, she is only 22 she just never seems to be anything else other than p!ssed off and and angry with me, I mean she screams down the phone and everything, I never said anything that day, well I told her I think my future lies in Hull, not my current city, honestly this is all brutalizing my mind, I have to contact her, allow her to be in full control when she, cheated, dumped me, replaced me, moved the guy in, got engaged to him, he asked her dad if he could marry her, going to Thailand with the dude in September, banned me from her house, removed me from Facebook ( no more pics or vids of my daughter ) cut me off, cut me out, speaks to me like ***** most of the time, treats me like ***** most of the time, messes with my contact regarding our daughter, rubs everywhere she has been in my face, tells me she buys that cream stuff you rub on someones body and then lick it off, calls me from a pig to a dog, I best stop there.

[Morphine]

My brother was in similar situation. Because of all the nastiness between him and the ex, he has almost no attachment to his son (who is now 15). Make sure you do not make the same mistake. I cannot tell I know how you feel, since my break up did not involve children, but I think for the sake of your daughter you must minimise the contact with ur ex and only speak to her when arranging to see ur daughter. With time your ex will allow for more interaction with your daughter not to mention she will soon be a proud owner of her first smartphone.

 

My ex's uncle had also very similar problem to the point that his ex filled a case at court to remove any visiting rights. She won. Only recently they randomly bumped into each other and talk things through (after 12 years). But the damage has been done and he has very little attachement with his son, even though he wanted to have gim in his life.

 

The point is: your daughter is important, and your ex has an upper hand. It will take time, LC only when setting up visits.

[Learningtowalkagain]

I think part of her problem is that she is not fully cooked, she is only 22 she just never seems to be anything else other than p!ssed off and and angry with me, I mean she screams down the phone and everything, I never said anything that day, well I told her I think my future lies in Hull, not my current city, honestly this is all brutalizing my mind, I have to contact her, allow her to be in full control when she, cheated, dumped me, replaced me, moved the guy in, got engaged to him, he asked her dad if he could marry her, going to Thailand with the dude in September, banned me from her house, removed me from Facebook ( no more pics or vids of my daughter ) cut me off, cut me out, speaks to me like ***** most of the time, treats me like ***** most of the time, messes with my contact regarding our daughter, rubs everywhere she has been in my face, tells me she buys that cream stuff you rub on someones body and then lick it off, calls me from a pig to a dog, I best stop there.

 

I've seen you write this same thing about 10 times on these forums. She's not emotionally stable. Stop dwelling on these things...easier said then done but you're torturing yourself every time you think/write this. If you're looking for validation that what she's doing is wrong you got it. Repeating the same things is just going to spiral you down the hole further. Don't let another person control you. That's exactly what you're doing with her. Maybe talk to a professional if you're still feeling the same way.

[hotmrw]

This is how I see it, my ex wants us to be good friends, I struggle to deal with this as I cant yet get over how crappy she treated me, I am not overly convinced that everything she sates is regarding our daughter, even if I was going to move away why should she care, surely she would be happy for her new fella to bring up my daughter, I am out of her way, never gonna happen like, I wont walk away from my little girl

 

Example, when I asked her today how is Ell, she never even answered, she was more concerned if I was having fun in Hull, I would have thought she would have just said yea she is fine ( she eventually did )

 

I have had it a few times when she cant get her own way she has said you are never seeing your daughter again, she is always angry at me, why did she storm out when I just mentioned I might be getting back with my Ex

 

I cant work her out, probably never will

[pidgeon1010]

You are faking the niceness and you don't have to. You hate her guts for everything she did so your only concern should be your daughter and not establishing a friendship with her. Basically, you can be curt (without being rude) in responding to any "non-daughter" questions she asks you and focus on your daughter. Example:

 

 

You: Hey, hows Ella today?

 

Her: You having fun in Hull

 

You: Nice to see my other kids, but missing my Ella too. How is she?

 

If she doesn't respond, you've still done your part. I understand how frustrating it can be to interact/deal with someone who is irrational and whose emotions are unpredictable. Be cordial and keep your interaction limited to your daughter.

Edited July 18, 2015 by pidgeon1010

[Satu]

This is how I see it, my ex wants us to be good friends, I struggle to deal with this as I cant yet get over how crappy she treated me, I am not overly convinced that everything she sates is regarding our daughter, even if I was going to move away why should she care, surely she would be happy for her new fella to bring up my daughter, I am out of her way, never gonna happen like, I wont walk away from my little girl

 

Example, when I asked her today how is Ell, she never even answered, she was more concerned if I was having fun in Hull, I would have thought she would have just said yea she is fine ( she eventually did )

 

I have had it a few times when she cant get her own way she has said you are never seeing your daughter again, she is always angry at me, why did she storm out when I just mentioned I might be getting back with my Ex

 

I can't work her out, probably never will

 

 

You are both creating unnecessary and unhelpful drama.

 

 

The relationship is OVER.

 

It doesn't matter what you think of each other.

 

Just be a good father to your child.

 

 

Stop, stop, stop, the drama.

[hotmrw]

Well, an update to my situation where my ex was been a total B*tch with me

 

So much hard work, she ignored 4 messages I sent yesterday, today she was a different person, I messaged her in the morning about me having my daughter

she replied ( can you ring me please ) I did, she was fine on the phone, she asked if I could meet her at the doctors to pick Ella up, I said I cant straight away as I am not at home, she accused me of being at a womans and slammed the phone down

 

I got to the doctors and she had already gone in, when she came out and saw me her face was like thunder, then she went off on one because I had a new jumper on :/ saying you was never like that when we were together

( she must have thought I was a tramp lol )

 

she was moaning about my other daughter who I have been seeing a lot of, I sent her a picture showing her how she has grown and I got a torrent of vile words about how she doesn't give a f*ck, asking if I was at my ex house etc etc etc, god she was really on one, in the end I left kissed her on the neck said love ya and went with my daughter, she then rung me about 20 mins later apologizing for being a bi*ch, and we talked about this and that for roughly an hour, about an hour later she rung again, for another hour telling me what she was not happy about in the relationship, how she only ever wanted my love and attention, it was quite cordial, we laughed and joked, about things, but she did get angry a few times about how I was in the relationship, but on the whole was as normal as she could have been for a long time, the arrangement was for me to meet her at the bus stop to hand back our daughter for 4 o clock, but she said she will come to mine and collect her as she needed to go to the shops, not sure why she never went to the shops before she came to mine but she came at 4 all was good, and she left

 

So I feel a bit better now, I hate arguing, and its best for ella this way

[hotmrw]

Long story short, I never treated my Ex very well, and by that I mean I never gave her the love and attention she deserved, took her for granted, and kept pushing her away, she ended up dumping me for another guy, this was about 4 months ago, we have a little 13 month old girl together, to my knowledge this guy is all but living at her house, they are going to Thailand together in September.

 

Her behavior is what confuses me, I WAS feeling much better about it than what I used to, and have started doing other things.

 

She is up and down all the time, recently after ignoring 4 messages I sent the day before I was due to have my daughter, I messaged her in the morning asking if I am still seeing my daughter because she was on one again, she replied ( Ring me please ) I did, and she asked if I could meet her at the doctors to collect my little girl, I said I cant straight away as I am not at home, she eventually accused me of being at a woman's house and hung up on me

 

I got to the doctors, and as she was just coming out she spotted me her face was like thunder, she was so angry, then she was kicking off because I had a new jumper on saying you was never like that when we were together, then she was kicking off because I mentioned my other daughter

( to another girl ) she has a problem where she cant look in my eyes, I know she likes my eyes but she avoids eye contact, I usually try looking round to make our eyes meet and she starts to laugh, but still does not look in my eyes

 

I told her I am moving back to HULL, and this for some reason causes her so many problems, this to me is the root cause of all her problems, I told her I will be back on the days I see my daughter, and I am, so why she has a problem, a really big problem at that I have no idea, She was so on one and unbelievably irate, then she went to get her prescription, I hung back and could see her looking back for me, in the end I got my daughter in the pram, kissed her ( MY EX ) on her neck and said love ya, 20 mins later she rung me and apologized for being a b*tch

( which surprised me ) and she stayed on the phone for an hour talking about this and that, then she went, and an hour later she rung me back again for yet another hour and was telling me all she ever wanted was love and attention from me, and for me to move in with her and be a happy family

 

we laughed and joked and talked about this and that again, the agreement was I was to drop our daughter off at the bus stop near her house where she would collect her, she then changed it to I will collect her from yours as I need to go to the shops for a few bits ( not sure if she wanted me to go with her )

 

she came collected our daughter, and I just said bye, all was cordial, the next day I sent her a message asking about our daughter ( I hope our little Ell is OK, don't work to hard at work, keep smiling ) then she messaged me at 910pm ( she has never messaged me on a night as she is always with her new bloke ) even though she denies anyone lives at her house

 

 

This is the message I sent and her reply

 

ME: I hope our little Ell is OK, don't work to hard at work, keep smiling

 

HER: Right look Darren, I cant do this anymore with you messaging about me all you ever needed to message was about Ella ( our daughter ) this is the last straw im blocking you from Facebook and your number, go to Hull and live your life I cant cope anymore with the stress it is making me Ill

 

Where this is crazy is because the day before she sent this message she rung me for two hours on the phone, talking about EVERYTHING other than our daughter, I know her well enough to know that her BIG PROBLEM is that she doesnt want me to move to Hull, but why I don't know, any ideas I am lost?

 

SHE HAS NOT BLOCKED ME ON FACEBOOK AS OF YET.

Edited July 26, 2015 by hotmrw

[dumbass2]

"any ideas I am lost?"

 

Yes

 

HER: Right look Darren, I cant do this anymore with you messaging about me all you ever needed to message was about Ella ( our daughter ) this is the last straw im blocking you from Facebook and your number, go to Hull and live your life I cant cope anymore with the stress it is making me Ill

Listen to her here. The stress is killing both of you. Do what she says this last time. Only contact her when it has to do with your daughter and that's it. No over doing the niceness and talking about ANYTHING else, just the daughter. I don't care what she says or does. You keep it strictly to just that or you are going to keep yourself in this madness. You can be cordial to her, but you two are never going to be together again because you are not compatible at all, so you just try to "get along" just for your daughter. there is no relationship between you two any more and there never will be. You two are toxic together.

 

I think at this point you need to seek some professional advice if you haven't already. I feel bad for what you are going through and your posts are filled with nothing but drama and nothing is changing. There is no forward improvement, your just staying in this holding pattern, going back and forth a bit and I don't want to see something just blow up and someone do something stupid.

[hotmrw]

Well I collected my daughter today from y ex, said a few words, nothing bad, and I came back home with my daughter, I had a female friend ( close ) pop in to see me, my Ex rung me talking small talk as usual about 2.00 I eventually got her off the phone after about 15 minutes, she said she would collect Ella about 4/430, anyway she turned up at 345, I was talking to a friend ( I had Ella with me ) round the corner, and my female friend and my mother were in the house, my Ex almost walked in, spotted this woman ( my friend ) and apparently her face just dropped, she then went outside with my mam and said who is that woman, my mam said her friend, then I was called and came with Ella, my ex was on one a bit now asking who she was and asking if it was my girlfriend, then she stormed off, she shouted you had one chance and you have blown it, you will never see your daughter again, I just said your off your head, she stood there and gave some more abuse and stormed off back home, then she rung my phone, then she rung one of my friends phone I messaged her off, then she rung again this time I answered, she called me some not very nice things, I couldn't get a word in edge-ways, she wanted to know if this woman was my friend or my mothers friend, and said I am not having my daughter around another woman, after some more abuse she hung up, GOD I ENJOY MY LIFE lol, it was just bad timing as I had the pram and everything outside waiting for her coming, why she acts the way she does I have no idea, she is with someone else so even if I was with this woman it has nothing to do with her, any advice?