Did I deserve so much punishment?

[elaine567]

Instead he chose to put his best interests and well being on the back burner untill the child was at an age he wouldn't be harmed by the divorce

 

I do not believe a 8-9 year old child will not be harmed by a divorce.

He is already miserable.

 

I believe leaving when the child was 1 year old would have been much better, if he was solely thinking of the child's welfare.

[ladydesigner]

I am sorry OP. 8 years is a long time to come to this conclusion, especially if things were going seemingly well. Unfortunately there are BS's out there that end up realizing after the so-called 2-5 year healing period that the A really was a dealbreaker for them. Then there are the M's where the BS is only staying until the kids leave the house.

 

Affairs are designed to kill marriages. People should really keep this in mind before they have the A.

[oldshirt]

Commend him all you like. He wasted her youth and his. He could have let her find someone else to help her step parent the baby, it is harder for kids to accept step parents as they get older. He didn't do anyone ant favors if she was trying to make it work and he just went through the motions. He could have at least told her he was not open to reconciliation and was staying with her for the kids.

 

If he wants too divorce now that is fine, but he lost the power to use the affair as the reason art about year two. Our how about year five even? Give me a break. His sacrific... yawn.

 

No.

 

Just simply no.

 

She was the one that took a big crap on the marriage. That is on her.

 

Let's keep in mind she had the option to leave him at any point too.

 

And since she hasn't said anything that indicates any wrongdoing on his part, for all we know he entered into the reconciliation in good faith and maybe their M was even good for years.

 

But even if it wasn't, there is no statute of limitations on adultry. That's the risk WS' s and BS' s alike take. Your WS or your BS can pick up their ball and go home at any point. That's why there are many people like Chumplady and others that strongly discourage any attempt at reconciliation at all and they make very very good arguments against it.

 

And as far as bringing up letting someone else raise the child and that young children adapt to step parents better, as a father myself, I am simply speechless.

to that. I'll just say NO and leave it at that.

[nightmare01]

Lots of BH's say they stick around for the kids sake, or for lots of other non-romantic reasons after Dday. We give it a shot and hope it works. But giving up our kids to be partly raised by some OM, is too much for many BH is just too much to bear for many. That along with having to pay the WW and OM child support - which by they way the WW does not have to account for how that money is spent.. as I said it's a tough road to walk.

 

Divorce is a hard decision to make for some. We try our best to stay in the marriage, but sometimes we just can't do it. The past can haunt you. Feeling like a second choice or plan B, constantly worrying about a repeat of WW bad behavior... Some WW's don't want to do what it takes too.. it could be a "love language" thing in that she thinks she is doing what she needs to do to help him heal, but she isn't doing what he really needs.

 

Has the OP giving him all the information he needs to heal, or only what she thinks he can accept? Is she still hiding things? Is she doing anything that is similar to her behavior during her affair? Repeating behavior patterns, even when innocent, can make a BS believe an affair is happening again - which might be the case here. And if he think "she's up to it again" then all his actions are understandable.

[oldshirt]

I do not believe a 8-9 year old child will not be harmed by a divorce.

He is already miserable.

 

I believe leaving when the child was 1 year old would have been much better, if he was solely thinking of the child's welfare.

 

For that we will have to disagree.

 

I concede any child will be impacted and upset by divorce. Even full grown children are upset when their parents divorce.

 

But what I was getting at is a 1 year needs 24/7 hands on care for their very survival. That is best accomplished with two parents in the family home.

 

A 9 year old does not require 24/7 hands on care to survive and will be able to survive and adapt to being raised by two parents from two separate homes.

 

They will be impacted and they likely won't like it, but they wings sustain any actual harm or damage provided both parents are loving and supportive and actively involved in his/her life and are not abusive, neglectful, addicted to substances etc etc.

 

That's what I meant.

[ladydesigner]

Lots of BH's say they stick around for the kids sake, or for lots of other non-romantic reasons after Dday. We give it a shot and hope it works. But giving up our kids to be partly raised by some OM, is too much for many BH is just too much to bear for many. That along with having to pay the WW and OM child support - which by they way the WW does not have to account for how that money is spent.. as I said it's a tough road to walk.

 

Divorce is a hard decision to make for some. We try our best to stay in the marriage, but sometimes we just can't do it. The past can haunt you. Feeling like a second choice or plan B, constantly worrying about a repeat of WW bad behavior... Some WW's don't want to do what it takes too.. it could be a "love language" thing in that she thinks she is doing what she needs to do to help him heal, but she isn't doing what he really needs.

 

Has the OP giving him all the information he needs to heal, or only what she thinks he can accept? Is she still hiding things? Is she doing anything that is similar to her behavior during her affair? Repeating behavior patterns, even when innocent, can make a BS believe an affair is happening again - which might be the case here. And if he think "she's up to it again" then all his actions are understandable.

 

Bingo! This is one of my main reasons for trying to make the M work. Just flip the script, I don't want any of these bozos that my WH finds to be helping raise my kids.

[elaine567]

 

And as far as bringing up letting someone else raise the child and that young children adapt to step parents better, as a father myself, I am simply speechless.

to that. I'll just say NO and leave it at that.

 

Yes, but you are speaking as a father and an individual and not thinking about what is actually good for the child.

So is leaving a child to the "horrors" of a step parent any better at 8, 9, 10...?

[ladydesigner]

Yes, but you are speaking as a father and an individual and not thinking about what is actually good for the child.

So is leaving a child to the "horrors" of a step parent any better at 8, 9, 10...?

 

In my case Yes absolutely yes.

[Horton]

This poor guy gets cheated on and half the advice here is.

 

1. Take him for everything he's worth in the divorce.

2. Get another man to usurp his place as their son's father.

 

All that's gonna do is confirm every suspicion he's likely been having about her these past 8 years.

[gettingstronger]

Not sure he is trying to punish you- seems like he has decided that his future does not include this painful past for him-

 

I understand you are remorseful, but I have to say as a BS- infidelity opens the window to divorce- I never in a million years would have thought of divorce, and even though we are doing well in reconciliation-forever is no longer the given it once was-

[oldshirt]

And in regards to step parents and young children, I disagree so strongly that babies/toddlers etc will be better off with step parents and boyfriends/girlfriends etc than their own parents that i am not sure I will even be able to put it into words.

 

In fact i am truly gobsmacked that anyone could even say that.

 

Other that car accidents and other accidents in the home, one of the leading causes of death and severe bodily injuries of babies and young children is Moms boyfriend's and step fathers.

 

Dad's girlfriends and step moms don't have as high a rate of physical abuse moms boyfriend's but the rate of neglect and mental anguish from them is probably pretty close.

 

I have a ten year old and a 13 year old. I am very confident that if my wife were to have a BF or husband that was abusing them or cornholing them, they would be able to tell me.

 

With a very young child who knows how long it would go on???

 

I am truly shocked people would say it's better to divorce and let step parents step in to raise small children than for a biological father to choose to remain in the home.

 

Now I will say that I would potentially agree if the bio parents were at each other's throats or abusive or neglectful or substance abusers etc etc, but there is no indication that any of that has taken place in this instance.

[sandylee1]

No.

 

Just simply no.

 

She was the one that took a big crap on the marriage. That is on her.

 

Let's keep in mind she had the option to leave him at any point too.

 

And since she hasn't said anything that indicates any wrongdoing on his part, for all we know he entered into the reconciliation in good faith and maybe their M was even good for years.

 

But even if it wasn't, there is no statute of limitations on adultry. That's the risk WS' s and BS' s alike take. Your WS or your BS can pick up their ball and go home at any point. That's why there are many people like Chumplady and others that strongly discourage any attempt at reconciliation at all and they make very very good arguments against it.

 

And as far as bringing up letting someone else raise the child and that young children adapt to step parents better, as a father myself, I am simply speechless.

to that. I'll just say NO and leave it at that.

 

I agree with this.

 

If she finds her youth wasted, she should not blame her H and I don't think she is doing so.

 

Many BSs decide in their mind after dday that they will divorce, even if it's not right away. Men especially as they don't want to be the every other weekend dad and miss out on their kids because their wife had an affair.

 

Remember most women get primary custody and dad misses out on immediately seeing their first steps and spending those years you can't get back. He'd have thought of coming home to an empty house without seeing his son every day. I've known some BHs decide after cheating that they will NOT have any more kids with the WW, as it's just going to be more CS to pay when he divorces her.

 

Those fertile years tick away for a woman and the BH can start a new family so easily. My friend told me her 50 year old ex had a GF half his age. She kept saying his GF is closer to our daughter's age. That's life.

[oldshirt]

Yes, but you are speaking as a father and an individual and not thinking about what is actually good for the child.

So is leaving a child to the "horrors" of a step parent any better at 8, 9, 10...?

 

Yes.

 

An 8, 9, 10,,,, year old will be able to report to being mistreated or molested etc.

 

 

And for a father who remains in the home and actively involved in the child's life, that child-father bond can be secured and permanent with a 9 year old.

 

If your one year old goes off to live with another man/men, that may not occur.

[elaine567]

And for a father who remains in the home and actively involved in the child's life, that child-father bond can be secured and permanent with a 9 year old.

If your one year old goes off to live with another man/men, that may not occur.

 

Again that is all about the father and not necessarily about the child itself.

[lollipopspot]

And let's all keep in mind that millions of marriages end around the 10 year mark when the kids are middle school aged all across all cultures and all parts of the globe.

 

This is just a normal time and benchmark for many divorces to occur regardless if there has been past adultry or not.

 

He may be divorcing at this point for a whole host of reasons and some may or may not have a thing to do with her A.

 

He may have found someone else. He may want to look for someone else. He may have simply got tired of having her around. Or he may have realized he simply wasn't going to get past the pain and disgust and disdain he felt for her having the LTA and wanted to leave all that toxin behind in the past.

 

We/she may never know the true reason. My guess is many divorces occur where the dumpee never truly knows the real reason why. And it is probably very very very rare that the dumpee agrees with those reasons even when they do know.

 

I agree with this. I think after 8 years, it doesn't make sense to me that this is primarily due to the affair. Maybe he found a new partner. Who knows? Or maybe he tried to be stoic (without emotional care from a counselor), and just couldn't get over it. But I can see why, for whatever reason he wants to leave, he would say it's because of the affair. Then it makes it not his "fault" for breaking up the family.

 

OP, he wants a divorce for whatever reason. I wouldn't necessarily trust what he says the reasons are, if he hasn't been willing to go to marital counseling and you two aren't communicating well. You can do your part to try to be the partner he wants, but there ultimately may be nothing you can do, depending on his reasons and how checked out he is.

 

But what I was getting at is a 1 year needs 24/7 hands on care for their very survival. That is best accomplished with two parents in the family home.

 

A 9 year old does not require 24/7 hands on care to survive and will be able to survive and adapt to being raised by two parents from two separate homes.

 

They will be impacted and they likely won't like it, but they wings sustain any actual harm or damage provided both parents are loving and supportive and actively involved in his/her life and are not abusive, neglectful, addicted to substances etc etc.

 

Agree with this too. An infant or toddler is much more affected by turmoil and separation in the home, and it affects their sense of attachment for life. A securely attached 9 year old is much better able to accept the breakup of the family. I do believe in staying together for the sake of the children, if the parents are able to create a calm home.

 

And in regards to step parents and young children, I disagree so strongly that babies/toddlers etc will be better off with step parents and boyfriends/girlfriends etc than their own parents that i am not sure I will even be able to put it into words.

 

In fact i am truly gobsmacked that anyone could even say that.

 

Other that car accidents and other accidents in the home, one of the leading causes of death and severe bodily injuries of babies and young children is Moms boyfriend's and step fathers.

 

Dad's girlfriends and step moms don't have as high a rate of physical abuse moms boyfriend's but the rate of neglect and mental anguish from them is probably pretty close.

 

I have a ten year old and a 13 year old. I am very confident that if my wife were to have a BF or husband that was abusing them or cornholing them, they would be able to tell me.

 

With a very young child who knows how long it would go on???

 

I am truly shocked people would say it's better to divorce and let step parents step in to raise small children than for a biological father to choose to remain in the home.

 

Now I will say that I would potentially agree if the bio parents were at each other's throats or abusive or neglectful or substance abusers etc etc, but there is no indication that any of that has taken place in this instance.

 

Agree with this too.

[DKT3]

There is far too much attacking the BH in this thread..

 

Its being assumed that the OP has indeed done "everything" in her power. Fact is the evidence suggests otherwise. If he still has questions about her affair how could she have done everything? If there is feelings that he had that she was unaware of how could she have done everything?

 

I think her doing everything in her mind clearly fall short of what he needed. That's my opinion.

 

However this could also just be a case of him ending the marriage in his heart 8 years ago and just waiting for his time to flee. We have no idea what the past 8 years has been like for the BH here, maybe nothing changed and he simply had enough. We have a BH here now going through the same thing, where his wife continued the same behavior all these years. I see that this seems to leave a bad taste for some of our women here, yet its no different then many of the BW and MOW here that openly post they are only staying until a better off ramp presents itself. This isn't a gender based topic, if its deemed as ok for women then it should be deemed as ok for the OP's husband.

 

Wasting her youth? Couldn't the same be said about her?

[oldshirt]

Again that is all about the father and not necessarily about the child itself.

 

So please explain to me how/why it would have been in this 1 year olds best interests if he had divorced her 8 years ago, because I am certainly not getting that logic.

 

Help me to understand that rational.

 

(Again, let's keep in mind the OP hasn't said a word implying the STBX has been abusive, neglectful, addicted, adulterous or in anyway a bad or unfit parent)

[lollipopspot]

If he still has questions about her affair how could she have done everything? If there is feelings that he had that she was unaware of how could she have done everything?

 

Because sometimes someone who is betrayed will have questions that can't possibly be answered, or are best not answered, and have feelings that they don't communicate.

 

I think her doing everything in her mind clearly fall short of what he needed. That's my opinion.

 

Sometimes there's no way to do what is "needed" if what is "needed" is for the affair never to have happened.

 

Some people just can't get over it. It doesn't mean the WS didn't do everything they knew to do.

 

But who knows, in this case.

[Mr. Lucky]

I understand you are remorseful, but I have to say as a BS- infidelity opens the window to divorce- I never in a million years would have thought of divorce, and even though we are doing well in reconciliation-forever is no longer the given it once was-

 

This is an important point I think is being overlooked.

 

Infidelity removes many of the underpinnings and foundation of a good marriage, weakening the structure it needs. So even though it may take 8 years for the collapse, cheating starts a chain of events that play out in unpredictable ways. So the end may be based on a small incident or argument that, in total, takes the BS over the edge.

 

And none of this takes into account the stress of living with the fear that, having happened once, it could happen again. I understand how a BS could hit the wall after 8 years...

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

It's not just you who tried for 8 years - your STBXH did too, and now he's finally reached his limit. Respect his decision and be a good mother to your son - and yes, children are bound to feel the consequences of their parents' doing because they depend on their actions and mercy too. Good luck.

[AlwaysGrowing]

I am not sure where the vitriol towards the BH is coming from.

 

The post stating the BH stole the FWW youth is particularly perplexing. Couldn't each and every BS say the very same thing about their WS? I think so...yet...I have never read that on any BS thread.

 

I would have to agree with the posters (mostly men) who say...they believe the BH tried (for reasons already stated) .....there was still not enough work done on the marriage itself (one has to be willing to do more than make happy memories) .....that if the OP still feels "it was out of character"....then the OP does not understand that an almost 1.5 year affair is most certainly character defining.....and smells a bit like (in a shaggy voice...."she even caught me on camera" "it wasn't me").

 

I do however feel that to place blame on the affair is too simplistic. The marriage/relationship never recovered from the affair. There would have to a whole lot more info to make an informed conclusion or to point out key areas that were missed or not done at all. An IC only had one client.....and only addressed the issues that that person perceived were the issues...not to mention follow up was based on that clients perceptions. An IC can not heal a marriage...one needs a MC....where there would be input from both parties.

 

For whatever reason...the OP husband did not open up to being disconnected in the relationship until he was completely disconnected.

 

This happens in relationship...not just ones that have infidelity. Infidelity definitely sets up that dynamic.....and is not easy to course correct...when one does not have guidance.

 

Time for you to bring your focus and energies back to self. I agree with the poster who suggested the 180, not to get your husband back...but to get yourself back on solid ground.

 

I wish you well.

[oldshirt]

There is a movie called "Force Ten From Navarone" (no where near as good as the classic, "Guns of Navarone" with Gregory Peck)

 

 

Anyway, in the movie this band of commandos sneaks into this Nazi dam to blow it up. The demolitions guy plants the charges and sets it off the fuse, while all the other guys are running around shooting up the Nazi guards and trying to get out of the dam before it blows up.

 

 

They all regroup outside and the demolitions guy is sitting in the grass leisurely having a smoke or something.

 

 

In the background they hear the explosions going off and alarms ringing but see no blast and the dam is still standing intact.

 

 

After awhile all the guys start getting on the demolitions guy and accusing him of screwing up and dropping the ball. He continues to just sit back and with a twisted grin on his face he tells them to be patient and watch.

 

 

After awhile, they see a little leak spring out on the side of the dam. Then a little while later another little leak pops up....then another.....then another.....and then another.

 

 

Then the scene changes to the inside of the dam where one pipe after another is breaking and spilling water and one barricade after another is starts collapsing under the pressure of the building water.

 

 

Then they start to see actual cracks forming on the outside of the dam and pretty soon water starts spilling from the cracks and bit by bit the dam starts eroding.

 

 

Eventually big chunks start to fall away and in time the dam crumbles and all the water starts flooding through and raging through where the dam once stood.

 

 

This is how infidelity works. It often doesn't blow up the dam in one big spectacular explosion (although it can)

 

 

More often than not it causes a little crack somewhere in a support beam. That little crack starts to spread and becomes a bigger crack. Then water and other things start seeping through and starts the erosion process.

 

 

Then more leaks start appearing which causes more cracks to form and more water seeping through. In time one support beam fails and that puts more weight and more pressure on the other support beams and then their cracks widen and erode more until another support beam fails and so on and so on and so on.

 

 

And yes it can take years before it all comes crumbling down.

[oldshirt]

I am not sure where the vitriol towards the BH is coming from.

 

.

 

 

 

I have a theory on that. I think some of the vitriol towards the BH is that it makes all of us feel a little threatened.

 

 

While we may not all have a history of infidelity in our past, we have all had lumps and bumps along the road of marriage and we like to think they are all behind us and that we have smooth sailing ahead.

 

 

....but that of course is never true.

 

 

None of us are guaranteed that our spouse won't leave us in 8 years. It doesn't matter if we have committed infidelity or any other offenses or not. In 8 years our spouse may just decide he/she wants out.

 

 

Some people here want to cry foul now that he is packing it up now 8 years after agreeing to stay. They want to feel there is a statute of limitations not only on infidelity but on divorce as well. Kind of like if you have been here this long, you can't leave now.

 

 

This of course is a false assumption. Many marriages end. Countless marraiges end at around the 10 year mark and the kids are in middle school.

 

 

Some are probably offended he is using her infidelity as justification. I can understand that and I can also suspect there are many other reasons but he is just using that one as her affair is on her.

 

 

Personally, I don't think a WS's affair is ever justification for a BS to abuse or mistreat them, but I do not see that any abuse or mistreatment has ever taking place here or she would've mentioned it. I don't think she is being "punished" for her affair either.

 

 

I think he just wants out. Maybe it is due largely to the affair and maybe the affair set off a bit by bit collapse just like in my "Navarone" analogy above. That is certainly realistic, it may have just taken a little longer than some others.

 

 

Or maybe it's a laundry list of a million other things and he is just using her A as an excuse.

 

 

But whether he is leaving due to being unable to put her affair past him or whether it's because she clips her toenails in bed, does it really matter????

 

 

At the end of the day it is because he doesn't love her and doesn't want to be married to her and doesn't want to be in the same house with her anymore.

 

 

Whether that is due to her affair or something entirely different, it doesn't really matter because the end result is the same.

[goodyblue]

There is far too much attacking the BH in this thread..

 

Its being assumed that the OP has indeed done "everything" in her power. Fact is the evidence suggests otherwise. If he still has questions about her affair how could she have done everything? If there is feelings that he had that she was unaware of how could she have done everything?

 

I think her doing everything in her mind clearly fall short of what he needed. That's my opinion.

 

However this could also just be a case of him ending the marriage in his heart 8 years ago and just waiting for his time to flee. We have no idea what the past 8 years has been like for the BH here, maybe nothing changed and he simply had enough. We have a BH here now going through the same thing, where his wife continued the same behavior all these years. I see that this seems to leave a bad taste for some of our women here, yet its no different then many of the BW and MOW here that openly post they are only staying until a better off ramp presents itself. This isn't a gender based topic, if its deemed as ok for women then it should be deemed as ok for the OP's husband.

 

Wasting her youth? Couldn't the same be said about her?

 

I also stated that it was wasting her and his youth if she was trying to make things right and he was going through the motions. And really, I find it hilarious that when I mentioned my h stayed for his kid I was viciously attacked by BS's saying he should not have stayed so whatever.

 

My oldest child is 25. Youngest is six. My h is the only father figure in their life. I guess I have a jaded view because I could not ask for anyone better to be in their life. And why oldshirt would assume anyone who dated y o ur child's mother would corn hole them is weird. It is fine to be cautious but paranoia is silly.

 

Fact is, if he was always planning on leaving he should have done it early. It would have just been life as usual for the kid. At age 9, the trauma is worse.

Edited July 14, 2015 by goodyblue

[goodyblue]

Really, if he wants out, fine. But he can't blame the affair this far down the road. It is absurd.