Did I deserve so much punishment?

[understand50]

I got a call from his parents. They are sad that we are separated and probably getting divorced soon. He told them yesterday. He told them the same reason he told me. They tried to advice him too on not throwing away 13 years of marriage. But he is adamant. So in the end they just told him to think of our son.

 

They said they would stand besides 3 of us and help us with anything.

 

They even invited me and our son for the weekend? Should I go?

 

My family is still not informed about our separation.

 

I would inform your family about what is going on, you can use their support.

 

As a Grandparent, I would be mortified and worried that I would lose my access to my grandson, and I may "like" my DIL as well. I would accept, but make a ground rule, that they and you do not discuss the "family" issues. My Mother and Grandmother, Father's Mother, stayed as friends after the divorce. Helped us kids a lot. As this goes into helping your son, and I am sure he would like to see his grandparents, I would accept.

 

How are you doing? Are you getting support from friends? This is stressful, and you need someone to talk to. Can you get into IC?

 

Lastly, I would put together a checklist and execute.

 

1) Go see a Lawyer. Follow their advise.

 

2) Tell Family, reach out to friends.

 

3) See about IC for yourself, and your son. Try and find something your Son enjoys, or try and make the whole thing as normal for him as you can. (going to the grandparents - Good thing)

 

4) Are you working? You may need to redo the resume, and start thinking about looking for work. You may also start thinking about life after your marriage, and WHAT YOU would like it to be. This will help with the stress.

 

Point is, having a plan will let you gain some control over this situation and regain some balance. Life will get better.

 

Wish you luck.

[66Charger]

I completely agree.

 

The "speculation" that he found some ONE else has been completely debunked.

One wouldnt go to Amsterdam if he had a girlfreind.

 

One would go to Amerstand if he DIDNT have a girlfreind.

 

Logic, but honestly, he is DIVORCING her for his reasons, so what is the point of the G/F debate other than to point fingers at the BS? She really needs to focus on a amicable seperation, not finding ways to go to war with he STBX

[autumnnight]

The "speculation" that he found some ONE else has been completely debunked.

One wouldnt go to Amsterdam if he had a girlfreind.

 

One would go to Amerstand if he DIDNT have a girlfreind.

 

Logic, but honestly, he is DIVORCING her for his reasons, so what is the point of the G/F debate other than to point fingers at the BS? She really needs to focus on a amicable seperation, not finding ways to go to war with he STBX

 

Oh I completely agree. There is no specific someone. There is a yet to be determined hooker.

 

I hope the OP is able to move forward successfully as a mom and as a FORMER wayward wife. I have no doubt there is someone out there who is capable of loving her as she is without defining her as who she was.

[66Charger]

 

I hope the BS is able to move forward successfully as a dad and as a FORMER BS. I have no doubt there is someone out there who is capable of loving him as he is, faithfully.

 

I completely agree

[Clay]

The "speculation" that he found some ONE else has been completely debunked.

One wouldnt go to Amsterdam if he had a girlfreind.

 

One would go to Amerstand if he DIDNT have a girlfreind.

 

Logic, but honestly, he is DIVORCING her for his reasons, so what is the point of the G/F debate other than to point fingers at the BS? She really needs to focus on a amicable seperation, not finding ways to go to war with he STBX

 

If there was a someone it would have happened along damn time ago. She had an affair for over a year. In 8 years time I bet someone would have caught his eye if he was looking. I know when I was hurt if someone would have stepped up my past might have been different.

Hopefully they both move on and heal from this.

 

C

[remorseful_tab]

Couldn't sleep at all last night. So many thoughts swirling in my mind. The last 8 years, my affair, so many questions.

 

The most gut wrenching were the thoughts of H with another woman.

 

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

 

How can he easily throw away our family? How can he so easily throw away our 15 yrs together?

[remorseful_tab]

H knew about the letter on DDay 8 years ago

[remorseful_tab]

I have decided to spend the weekend with my mother. I let my in laws know.

[sandylee1]

Couldn't sleep at all last night. So many thoughts swirling in my mind. The last 8 years, my affair, so many questions.

 

The most gut wrenching were the thoughts of H with another woman.

 

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

 

How can he easily throw away our family? How can he so easily throw away our 15 yrs together?

 

I don't think there is anything you could have done even if he told you TBH. Whatever you told him or did would not have changed the fact that you fell in love with another man early in your marriage. Not every marriage can survive an affair, no matter how remorseful the WS is.

 

When I think of all the things a WS should do after an affair to help the BS heal, I don't think from what you've said or haven't said that you did them. It's often the behaviour immediately after the affair that is critical.

 

These below jump out (from your posts ) as things you may identify with, but you probably didn't know you should have done them . Or because of how you genuinely felt, you were unable to do these things.

 

- The WS must be totally honest with you about everything

 

- The WS must do everything in their power to prove to you that you

are the one that they want to be with.

 

- The WS must prove his/her love to you...s/he

must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.

 

- S/He must feel your pain.

 

- S/he must fully understand the devastation that s/he caused you.

 

- S/He must accept full responsibility for his/her actions.

 

- S/He must recognize when your struggling or experienve a trigger

and comfort you.

 

- S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible.

 

- S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with

you and stay connected.

 

 

You could have given him all the assurances in the world, but despite what you said he knew all along how you truly felt about him and the OM.

 

Some assurances BSs want is that they are better than the AP and that you want them (your spouse), but he knew/felt he wasn't as good at satisfying you sexually as your OM, you couldn't say anything to make him get over that, especially as you never knew he saw the letter. He knew the words in the letter were the truth as you saw it, anything you said differently would be a lie to him.

 

Sometimes a BS questions themself. What did they do to make you go to another. Sometimes they are honest that they were a bad spouse and feel their actions contributed to the marriage being bad and believing that caused the affair. If he racked his head and can't see what he may have done that was so bad , then it just adds to the pain and time didn't change things for him.

 

 

Lots of thoughts were probably spinning through his head and one that others in his position have is...what happens next time things aren't going well for us?

 

If it happened when we should have been so happy and so loved up as newlyweds with the joy of a baby, she could easily do it again.

 

I wonder if his refusal to go to MC was because he wasn't sure he wanted to reconcile.

 

Imagine how he felt knowing you were with OM for a year and 4 months...you feel pain about him being with another woman even after he's basically ended things. Imagine that hurt as a form of betrayal like he was betrayed .

 

You ask how he can so easily throw away your family and that makes me feel you still don't fully understand the devastation of your affair. You so easily had an affair for over a year and fell in love. .......you can't expect him to erase that from his memory. It's not him who threw it all away........it's you. YOU risked your marriage by having an affair.

 

Have you ever thought how it would have played out if he had the affair back then? You with a young child and him with another woman?

Can you even begin to imagine it? Because you can't bear the thought of it now after he's said he's done .

 

I think if you have some empathy and can place yourself in his shoes with everything you now know he knew at the time , you'll understand how he's felt and you'd take full responsibility for the end of your marriage.

 

I'm not saying anything to be mean to you, I'm just trying to get you to realise the magnitude of your betrayal and how it changed him.

He no longer felt you were a safe partner.

 

You know I read a BHs story who had 'reconciled' for some years. He said everyone told him what a wonderful wife he had and he cringed every time knowing what she did. They looked like the perfect couple , yet he said her affair had changed two of the most important speeches he was going to make in his life.

 

One being the speech at his daughter's wedding and the other his retirement speech. He had planned to give thanks to her endless support, for always having his back , for always putting the family first and being a wonderful mother. He no longer felt he could say those things , as she lied so much and put her OM before him and the family during the affair. The BH regretted not leaving her years earlier , but now felt stuck because she was a SAHM and it would cost him heavily.

 

I got a lump in my throat reading it and if other BHs struggling in reconciliation reads things like this.....that could seal the deal.

Edited July 18, 2015 by sandylee1
spacing

[merrmeade]

Husband never asked me about the sexual encounters. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN MUCH EASIER. Because I didn't do anything with OM that I didn't do with my husband before.

 

But he asked me about things which were more hurtful for him.

 

He asked about the times I lied to him and used every oppurtunity to see the OM, the times when I was numb to him because OM had my thoughts, the time where I rejected my husband offer to go out together or the times I rejected his advances.

 

When I said husband revealed to me things that he never said before, they were that he had read a soft copy draft of a letter then I had written to a relationship advice site. In this letter I vividly described my attraction to the OM, how sex was amazing with (makes me ill when I type this now), how I was pushing him away, how I didn't think our relationship could recover.

 

Husband asked me for the divorce on the date which is the same date my husband discovered my affair 8 years ago (DDay happened one month later). He never told me this date before.

There are aspects of this situation that I can relate to, but really there is no way we can know what BH's actual state is. Maybe he had PTSD so bad from the affair and never got over it. Maybe WW has no clue about all the ways that her affair crushed her H. Maybe she's far less sensitive to his pain than she realizes. (Well, actually that must be true since she was so shocked and surprised.)

 

So three points:

1) As for squirreling away the letter, the proof, I had lots of emails between WH and OW that I'd saved and archived. I talked about them in MC, and everyone decided WH and I should go through them together and talk about them so I could delete them. Well, we play-talked since he doesn't talk and we sped right through them. As always, for him it was about getting it over with and then burying it. But did I delete them? Of course not! I saved copies of every one. The real question is actually: Do I read them every day, come back to them and reread them frequently? Nah, but the first year and a half, I did. The main thing was knowing I had them in case. I can understand the need to have it - in case things go wrong, you need to know you have your testimony.

 

2) About the idea of "paying" for the offense and redemption.

What I don't get is why a WS is SUPPOSED to be exonerated, forgiven. No one would have any problem that a thief or murderer paid a sentencein in prison, right? Not even the thief or murderer.

 

So why shouldn't the offense of betrayal have to be paid? Why is it okay for adulterers to go back to their houses, their children, their lives, and the affair is just something that people don't talk about. End of story. And they EXPECT that. You're a bad person if you DON"t give them redemption. It's their birthright almost.

 

3) I actually totally relate to goody's comment about 8 years - a life wasted. I feel like that about all the years I lost as a young woman because my WH was too cowardly to man up to his cheating. It never crossed his mind. It's a very disturbing thought. However, there's a big difference. I did nothing to deserve it.

[merrmeade]

Oh that needs clarifying - I certainly don't think that a BS has a right to punish a WS. It should come from the WS him/herself I suppose, and it should be suffering at least as powerful as the suffering caused. But, no, not willfully wreaked by the BS. That would not be punishment; that would be vengeance. i see WSs on LS taking this strange line that BSs intend to make the WS pay, or that a BH like this one would intentionally bide their time for 8 years and THEN divorce - just for payback. It's the most irrational line of thinking imaginable. They just make it up because they've never experienced the trauma.

 

But that a WS should get off scot free with minimal conscience, no exposure, his reputation intact and everyone glad-handing him. Just rug-sweep and forget it. That is not just.

[Friskyone4u]

N Ot trying to be mena but your last post is what you need to get over

 

"Why didn't he give me any warning???????

Did you give him any warning when for 16 months your were totally disrespecting him, humilitaing him and having as much "great" sex with your OM. So why do you think truly that you deserve any warning??? Because you have not cheated since??? Well, he NEVER cheated before your affair and look what he got.

 

"I can't bear the thought of him with another woman"

Well, he's been living for 8 years with the thought of you banging another man and loving it by your own words and the knowledge if you had not been caught you might have left him or still be doing it.

 

I am sorry but you can keep analyzing this for years but whatever he is doing now or not doing, it is YOUR infidelity that ended your marriage. You must accept that if you are to heal yourself. I hope you are getting or can get some help with IC to get through this.

[goodyblue]

I have decided to spend the weekend with my mother. I let my in laws know.

 

That is good. Circle the wagons. I am sorry that your experience here has been a lot of finger wagging, telling you that your husband has the right to act this way, citing an indiscretion from long ago.

 

The truth is... nobody should act this way. Don't talk to him, he will only try to hurt you with his words. Let him do whatever he is doing. Just focus on you and your kids.

Edited July 18, 2015 by goodyblue

[SoulStorm]

=remorseful_tab;6441143

How can he easily throw away our family? How can he so easily throw away our 15 yrs together?

 

 

I am not trying to be brazen or non-sympathetic when I post this,

He didn't just throw 15 years away so easily. He suffered a traumatic experience because of your affair.

 

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

 

He couldn't really come to you to make him feel secure, you were the one who betrayed him.

It's like the victim of a rapist going to the rapist for consolation.

 

I have decided to spend the weekend with my mother. I let my in laws know.

 

Take care of yourself. It is good for you to be around people who care for you.

[goodyblue]

I am not trying to be brazen or non-sympathetic when I post this,

He didn't just throw 15 years away so easily. He suffered a traumatic experience because of your affair.

 

 

 

He couldn't really come to you to make him feel secure, you were the one who betrayed him.

It's like the victim of a rapist going to the rapist for consolation.

 

 

 

Take care of yourself. It is good for you to be around people who care for you.

 

I do not feel that is a fair comparison. Your partner stepping out should never be compared to rape, murder, ptsd etc.

Edited July 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

 

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

 

/QUOTE]

 

He probably didn't feel safe enough to come to you after the affair . That trust he once had was gone for good.

 

Did you give him warning that you didn't love him 7/8 years ago ?

Did you tell him you felt the marriage was in trouble after a year and a half ?

 

You already made him feel insecure and he could no longer rely on you for security. He probably felt secure before you cheated on him, but he didn't want to risk it again.

 

That feeling that he was your fall back guy and his sexual performance wasn't good enough for you is something he'll never forget. He was emasculated with the knowledge of the sex from the OM. His job of satisfying you was taken away.

 

Even if he were to tell his friends about the affair, you can be sure he'll leave out that part, because it's embarrassing for others to know that your wife had to get it somewhere else . To him, he was crap in bed and men take that that as a big knock on their masculinity.

 

I think by far your biggest problem is failing to recognise how this affair devastated and broke your husband. If you truly understood the depth of your betrayal and the feeling of being stabbed in the back by the woman who vowed to love and cherish him just a year and 8 months before, you would realise he's not to blame.

[WasOtherWoman]

For whatever it is worth......

 

My husband, after his then-wife's second affair, several years after reconciling from the first, told her that he would be staying for the children, she'd better get it together and find a way to support herself, whatever that took, school, training, etc and be prepared to be on her own when their last child left.

 

Obviously, I don't know all of the specifics, but knowing my husband, he told her this once and then went about their family life for the next ten years, which included family vacations, and I would imagine, certainly s*x.

 

We began an affair eight months prior to his last child going away to school. He left.

 

I know that you are hurting, but the way that you describe your marriage, it does seem that he gave you indications that he would be leaving, even if he did not tell you outright.

 

Maybe he has a new woman, maybe he just gave himself a deadline of some sort... in some states, I believe that once the kids get to a certain age get some input as to with whom they will live?

[anna121]

That is good. Circle the wagons. I am sorry that your experience here has been a lot of finger wagging, telling you that your husband has the right to act this way, citing an indiscretion from long ago.

 

The truth is... nobody should act this way. Don't talk to him, he will only try to hurt you with his words. Let him do whatever he is doing. Just focus on you and your kids.

 

Calling it an "indiscretion" is a bit much. You make it sound like she kissed the Xerox guy a couple of times.

 

I am certainly not one to pistol whip OWs but her last post demonstrated a lack of empathy for the depth of her husband's betrayal and people are understandably reacting to that. And, yes, I get that she is hurting alot right now.

 

OP, try and keep interactions with him to a minimum for now. End them if he becomes abusive.

[goodyblue]

 

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

 

/QUOTE]

 

He probably didn't feel safe enough to come to you after the affair . That trust he once had was gone for good.

 

Did you give him warning that you didn't love him 7/8 years ago ?

Did you tell him you felt the marriage was in trouble after a year and a half ?

 

You already made him feel insecure and he could no longer rely on you for security. He probably felt secure before you cheated on him, but he didn't want to risk it again.

 

That feeling that he was your fall back guy and his sexual performance wasn't good enough for you is something he'll never forget. He was emasculated with the knowledge of the sex from the OM. His job of satisfying you was taken away.

 

Even if he were to tell his friends about the affair, you can be sure he'll leave out that part, because it's embarrassing for others to know that your wife had to get it somewhere else . To him, he was crap in bed and men take that that as a big knock on their masculinity.

 

I think by far your biggest problem is failing to recognise how this affair devastated and broke your husband. If you truly understood the depth of your betrayal and the feeling of being stabbed in the back by the woman who vowed to love and cherish him just a year and 8 months before, you would realise he's not to blame.

 

This post is gold. Men are that way. My problem comes with the last sentence: He is not to blame. This is what every person in the world should hear. If y you reconcile every wrong you do will be amplified. All the right you do is cancelled. You could kiss butt till the cows come home but it matters not.

 

But only here on LS. In the world, people deal with this.It is wrong to cheat. It is also wrong to drag out on for years if you MADE THE DECISION TO STAY. YOU CHOOSE IT.

Edited July 18, 2015 by goodyblue

[turnera]

Why wouldn't he give me warning that he was struggling? Why wouldn't he give me a chance to address his issues? If he told me that he was having trouble I would have went above and beyond to make him feel secure.

Did you? I really don't remember how yours started.

[elaine567]

Did you? I really don't remember how yours started.

 

OK we get our point, but the affair then prompted "reconciliation".

In reconciliation all matters should be brought to the table and discussed and batted back and fore in the hope that a new, more open and transparent marriage is achieved.

That was where the OP was at, that was what she signed up for, that was the way forward.

 

BUT it appears here from day one he was carrying a letter that was firing his need for revenge.

Biding time till he was ready to go.

Coldly producing the evidence and stabbing her in the back as he left.

 

The more I read on LS, the more I am convinced "reconciliation" is just garbage and living in a cardboard box, eating mouldy cheese with a pet mouse for company, sounds more desirable that spending years supposedly reconciling...

[Owl6118]

Remorseful tab, your thread has been full of speculation on your husband's thoughts, feelings and motives. But in the end these are all shots in the dark. Some may turn out to be uncanny dead on accurate. Others wildly off base. But they are all shots in the dark. We habe no idea what his last 8 years have been in his head. He has not told you or us.

 

What we can say from his behavior, is, he closed himself off to you a long time ago, 8 years, 4 years, last year, who knows. But at some point he began actively conceiling from you his thoughts, feelings, intentions and plans.

 

Did you deserve divorce? I have to agree in some sense yes, in that a BS does not have a statute of limitations to decide he or she can't live with it. And let's face it, in timing in the marriage and the nature of the information that came to him were grim. It was a bad betrayal and an emasculating disclosure.

 

That said, I think we all have a basic duty of honesty and emotional and factual transparency and candor to the people we stay married to. Whenever he began conceiling from you his thoughts and feelings, certainly when he began actively planning a secret and sudden exit, at that time he too committed a wrong. He had a human duty to be honest and forthright with you even in his pain.

 

But RT, really, at any time and on any day we have only one set of choices: how to go forward. Right now that is where I encourage you to think and live and feel.

 

Do you regret past choices and wish to be forgiven? Then choose today to model forgiveness for his bad and hurtful choices-- forgiveness in the sense of compassionate acceptance, not endorsement, of his weakness. Did you rebond with him in the past 8 years? Then own your own reality and remember that after acting without integrity 8 years ago, you chose for many years the road of integrity. Stay on it.

 

I am struggling for the right words here. I guess it boils down to this. If you feel you did not deserve this outcome, in this way, at this time--and I agree you did not deserve he conceilment of feelings and plans and then the sudden revelation--then think about how you can act now. Show him what you deserved to get, treat him how you would have wanted to be treated, whether you got it or not.

 

We must be in the world what we expect others to be to us.

[sandylee1]

 

This post is gold. Men are that way. My problem comes with the last sentence: He is not to blame. This is what every person in the world should hear. If y you reconcile every wrong you do will be amplified. All the right you do is cancelled. You could kiss butt till the cows come home but it matters not.

 

But only here on LS. In the world, people deal with this.It is wrong to cheat. It is also wrong to drag out on for years if you MADE THE DECISION TO STAY. YOU CHOOSE IT.

 

 

Because he stayed after the affair doesn't mean he can't decide to leave later on. We've said this pages ago, but you can't say if you stay after 2/3/4 years that's it and you can't still keep having doubts and decide to leave because of the affair.

 

Some women have a miscarriage and get over it in a couple of months , others take longer and some will still feel it 20 years later. There's no right or wrong because their all individuals.

 

He did choose to stay for the 8 years and maybe he regrets that now, but he should take ownership of that. Him being wrong to stay is something I disagree with.

 

Looking at this solely from the view of what was 'in the best interest of the child', then staying was the right thing to do.

 

The son having two parents that he saw everyday and bonded with in his early years was best for him. Now if the environment was full of arguing and unhappy parents , I would disagree that the BH should have stayed. The BH isn't wrong for wanting to be actively in his son's life on a daily basis during his early years. Or should he have accepted every other weekend because his wife cheated? Why should he loose out on those formative years , that he would never be able to get back.

 

The BHs influence in daily parenting obviously meant a lot to him.

 

"Give me a boy at 7 and I will show you the man" Looks like the OPs husband stayed to lay the foundation for his son.

Edited July 18, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[William]

Morning folks,

 

It appears one of our other moderators responded to a report on this thread earlier and cleaned up some 'in-fighting' so I'll bump up my prior two directives and up the ante a bit.

 

Such in-fighting or thread-jacking with comparisons of infidelity to rape, murder, mayhem and other various and sundry topics which have nothing to do with the thread starter's issues will result in a week of moderation. For a couple members, it already has. I hope further sanctions will not be necessary. Thanks for reading and please continue the discussion.

[purplesorrow]

OK we get our point, but the affair then prompted "reconciliation".

In reconciliation all matters should be brought to the table and discussed and batted back and fore in the hope that a new, more open and transparent marriage is achieved.

That was where the OP was at, that was what she signed up for, that was the way forward.

 

BUT it appears here from day one he was carrying a letter that was firing his need for revenge.

Biding time till he was ready to go.

Coldly producing the evidence and stabbing her in the back as he left.

 

The more I read on LS, the more I am convinced "reconciliation" is just garbage and living in a cardboard box, eating mouldy cheese with a pet mouse for company, sounds more desirable that spending years supposedly reconciling...

Being that LS doesn't really promote reconciliation, this probably isn't the best place to read about it. And being that you have never experienced it yourself, your 'convincing' is biased. You have no idea what went on in this marriage but you've concluded the h was some diabolical misfit hell bent on revenge. You have no idea if he really tried or she really tried.