My boyfriend has a serious gambling problem. I don't know what to do.

[darija]

Hi!

 

Last year in May 2004. my long-distance relationship had come to an end after 4,5 years. To cut the long story short, it ended pretty badly, without much explanation on the ex-partner’s side. During a week he was in my hometown to see me (it turned out he came over just to end the lovestory) I did everything I could to sit and talk it over even if it meant no long being together, but he avoided me and the conversation in every possible way as much as it was possible and eventually just left by saying he would always love me but wasn’t ready to settle down and that was the only way for us...

 

I found it very difficult to cope with the break-up and was living like a zombie for the next couple of months until I started coming around with a little help from my friends who were always there for me. I thought I was never gonna get that guy out of my head although he broke my heart and I was deeply dissapointed. Yet, I knew the time would heal all the wounds. I decided to be patient and let the time cure the heartbreak and soon I realized that time does make the difference.

 

Anyway, at the beginning of December 2004. on a night out with one of my girl friends I met a cute guy in a bar where we were having a drink. Couple of days after he asked me out and since then we’re in a relationship. The problem is that on our second date he admitted to me that he was a gambler and said that I’d be better off without him and that I should just leave him while I still had time. He started gambling 3,5 years ago after he broke up with his long-term girlfriend whom he loved very much, but they had a very traumatic relationship. He was dissapointed and saw no joy in anything, so he started changing partners often and turned to gambling as that was making him feel better until he started falling deeper and deeper, always borrowing money from family and friends, which of course, he would lose again. The vicious circle doesn’t seem to stop.

 

Anyway, what do you think I did after all? I stayed with him after all I found out as if I didn’t want to really consider the fact that he has a gambling problem. I chose to trust him and see what the time brings, although I didn’t feel I was doing the right thing for myself. Few times we talked about his gambling issue and soon I realized he started looking up to me because I was the first woman in his life who told him what she thought about it and about him right to his face. I had a feeling I was getting somewhere, but something inside was telling me there wouldn’t be much use of my words.

 

I don’t know if that has anything to do with it but there are couple of gamblers in his family and I have a feeling he was taught a wrong pattern in life as he thinks there’s nothing bad in gambling as it can’t hurt anyone. Oh boy, how can I make him see what he’s doing and how that affects people around him who care about him.

 

Soon, about a month after he admitted to me that he was still gambling in casinos and I freaked out. I couldn’t believe he could be so stupid, but then I said to myself he’s an addict and he obviously can’t solve this problem without a professional help. I told him I was leaving him as I thought it’s better for me that way and that I couldn’t deal with his problem and couldn’t put up with such a burden, especially after all I’ve been through in my previous relationship. He started crying like a baby begging me not to leave him and throw away our relationship just like that. He said he wouldn’t know how to leave without me as I meant everything to him and if I went away I would take away all the joy away from him. I certainly didn’t like to hear that because I felt like he was trying to make me feel guilty if I left him. He kept repeating he didn’t want to lose me and that he couldn’t believe he could be so stupid to lose me because of a gamble. He said to me: “Don’t you know how hard it is to find a soulmate and I have finally found you, please don’t just walk away from our love, ‘cause what we have is really something special”. He made a promise that he was over with gambling, but somehow, to be honest, I couldn’t believe him. However, he was so convincing as if he really believed in what he was saying, and finally figured out what he was doing to himself.

 

The next day he begged me again to give us another chance and that he would prove to me that he was serious about his promise and that I was too valuable to him to lose me. My gut feeling was telling me that he was honest but it also told me that he was probably not able to fight against his gambling problem in a long run. I decided to give him another chance, and therefore to give us another chance as I felt that would be a fair thing to do.

 

From then on only once I mentioned his gambling but didn’t get a clear answer and I immediately new he was hiding something. I was stupid not to ask more questions, but I kind of went on fooling myself as it was easier that way and I was too happy to ruin it. Actually I don’t think I reacted as a mature person in that situation.

 

Anyway, meanwhile our relationship was flourishing, he was giving me his love, affection and attention in amounts I’ve never thought it was possible. Moreover the more I was getting to know him, the more I realized what a nice and sensible person he was, always caring about how I feel and always making sure I feel loved and adored. I was so happy as on the emotional level he was giving me everything I’ve ever wanted. I have to mention that our sex life is absolutely. That all sounds great, but I couldn’t let go of a feeling that “something” was a big threat to our happiness and therefore I just couldn’t open up to him entirely.

 

Few days ago I couldn’t stand the pressure I’ve been feeling all this time due to my suspicion that my boyfriend has been gambling in spite of all those promises, so I asked him directly. He admitted that he didn’t stop gambling and that’s exactly what my fears were all about. I felt terrible, so betrayed and sad. I knew this would never end no matter what he says or promises, because he just can’t control his addiction.

 

We talked about it, but the problem is he doesn’t think his gambling is a problem as he doesn’t see it as one. He doesn’t even think it would have any influence on us in the future if we plan our future together. I’ve tried to explain to him that a problem like that ruins relationships and marriages and that it is not something to take lightly. However, nothing I said seemed to get to his head. I told him that I didn’t think I can handle with that anymore, and that I have to think about what I should do.

 

Since then I just can’t be myself. I’m constantly restraining myself from showing too many feelings and I’m mostly distant. I tried to talk with him couple of more times, but he avoids getting too much into it if he can help it. He’s hoping that I would decide to stay in the relationship as he emphasized he didn’t want to lose me and our love could overcome it all. He said we would fight with this together but somehow I just don’t believe we can have a good future ahead.

 

In my hometown there is no adequate help for people with gambling addiction and even if there is he wouldn’t want to get any help as he doesn’t consider gambling a serious problem, but something that’s just temporary, something that he’s doing out of boredom and will quit soon, especially if he had a family in the future.

 

You see, he just doesn’t realize that his gambling problem is not just gonna dissapear by itself and that it takes a lot more than just a wish for it to stop.

 

I have deep feelings for my boyfriend, but I don’t want to be dragged into his addiction and I honestly don’t have enough stregth to fight with it. I think that it would be wrong to stay in this relationship because the longer it lasts the more attached to each other we’ll get and the more difficult it will be to get out. All I see for us in the future is more problems, more tears, more frustrations and unhappiness. I find it so hard to leave him, just turn my back on him and go. If only I didn’t care so much about him everything would be so much easier, this way I know what I should do, but I feel gulty.

 

I was always good in giving right advices to others, but now that I’m facing a problem of this kind, I feel so helpless. If this happened to one of my friends I know what I would advice him/her, but look at me now.

 

I just can’t drop this, in a way, that I can’t pretend anymore that my boyfriend is not a gambler and that everything is o.k. and we will live happily ever after, because everything shows it cannot be that way. I can’t stop thinking about it and I just have to solve this out.

 

I would appreciate an advice on this, because I feel I need a support and I need someone to open my eyes if there’s something I don’t see and I’m sure there is. I would be grateful to hear if anyone had a similar problem and would like to hear other people’s opinion on my problem. It would really mean a lot to me, because I feel like I’m going crazy.

 

Thank you all very much in advance,

D.

[overseas2004]

I could not read your whole post and you may want to cut it down if someone is actually to read this.

 

But having read some of hte most important parts. I have to tell you that addictions destroy people. You need to get away from him until he is healed. I understand you are hurting and that you are lonely. But you arent going to end up staying in this relationship anyway unless he cures his problem. And of course, you know you cant help him cure the addiction. This he has to do himself.