FB and Guys Messaging my GF

[deadelvis]

Need advice on how to handle/approach this situation.

 

My GF is an exetermely attractive woman, she easily gets plenty of attention but that doesn't bother me. What does bother me are some of the FB messages guys send her. She gets plenty of messages from random guys that she doesn't reply to but there are 3-4 guys that she actually knows that message her. These guys are hitting on her although not directly and forward , dropping hints, and ask her out (not on dates) but to "hangout" and she can bring "friends" but never bring me into the situation.

 

She will respond to these guys intermittently, with Lol's and Lmao's but never comes out and flat out says, sorry I have a BF. Her texts aren't innapropriate but they aren't direct either. I've brought it up before but she says she is being nice as she has known these guys for years (although they never hang out anymore), and they also have known who I am for years.

 

I feel it's disrespectful to me and our relationship to not be forward with these guys, but she isn't leading them on either, she just doesn't come flat out and tell them "no, I have a BF". I would cut any message short with a girl if they said some of the things these guys have said out of respect to her and our relationship. I'm not sure how to approach this without seeming insecure or jealous (which I'm not) but I feel more disrespected and that is the worst thing someone can make me feel. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

Story.Of.My.Life... except my girlfriend actually slept with them in the past, and stays up late chatting with them... welcome to hell

[h20-50]

Thats some BS. My wife gets hit on as well. She sometimes shows me the message if it is funny. She doesn't respond. She just deletes and blocks them.

 

She does that all the time and shows me the messages for all the randoms. These 3 guys were old friends from years ago that seem to float in and out for years just to drop flirtatious lines. One was cool back in the day, got some money and became a total douche.

[d0nnivain]

What I don't get is why women always tell other women that a man " is not respecting your feelings " when they express that they are bothered by something the man does and he continues to do it.

 

 

Here we have the shoe on the other foot, and the advice suddenly turns into a " this is how it is, deal with it " kind of attitude.

 

He expressed that it bothered him, she didn't show one ounce of caring about his feelings, and she continues and will continue to do it. It's literally six words. No thanks, I'm in a relationship. She doesn't want to burn any bridges so that if and when you two break up she can go to any of these guys and say " hey let's go grab that drink "

 

 

My advice has never changed based on the gender of the poster. I have told many women that they need to respect the pre-existing friendships. One woman I spent time telling her that the female friend needed to be an ally.

 

 

In the scenario, she is telling these other men she is not interested however she is not using the words you or her BF prefer. While I agree that things would be cleaner & her life easier if she could manage a more direct shut down, that is not her communication style. In the end if she simply laughs at these guys & does meet them, blowing up the OPs relationship over his GF positing LOL on FB seems an extreme overreaction

[noonynicky]

The red flag here is...

It's only a matter of time until she makes a mistake. Even if she never wants to cheat on you, she could put herself in a position where she feels she can't say no. I've seen it happen a million times. You have to be direct with them. If they don't stop, then you offer to get involved.

 

Hi Empresario and Original Poster,

 

I've been in your situation before. I'm still with my girlfriend. I'll tell you how I handle it, then you tell me whether I'm secure, unique or maybe just don't feel my gf that much.

 

Basically, I don't care. Like how everyone says, pretty girls are bound to get hit on. I understand when you say you feel disrespected. Here's how I solve it. I seek other areas where respect from that area is more important than respect from my girlfriend. For example, I place more emphasis on getting respect from my boss than from my girlfriend. Are you passionate in something else in life?

 

And like what Empresario said, mistakes are bound to happen. Call me crazy, but I've already given a small probability that my girlfriend will make a mistake. I choose to be with a pretty girl, hence I chose to be with a girl who gets hit on a lot. And I going to be there EVERYTHING she gets hit on. No, it's no economical.

 

Let's just say that when she comes walking to me saying a guy and her kiss, I'm ready to walk out of the relationship. I of course don't wish for that to happen. But in today's age, there is always that chance.

 

Once I set these contingencies in place, things seem to be simpler.

[h20-50]

Hi Empresario and Original Poster,

 

I've been in your situation before. I'm still with my girlfriend. I'll tell you how I handle it, then you tell me whether I'm secure, unique or maybe just don't feel my gf that much.

 

Basically, I don't care. Like how everyone says, pretty girls are bound to get hit on. I understand when you say you feel disrespected. Here's how I solve it. I seek other areas where respect from that area is more important than respect from my girlfriend. For example, I place more emphasis on getting respect from my boss than from my girlfriend. Are you passionate in something else in life?

 

And like what Empresario said, mistakes are bound to happen. Call me crazy, but I've already given a small probability that my girlfriend will make a mistake. I choose to be with a pretty girl, hence I chose to be with a girl who gets hit on a lot. And I going to be there EVERYTHING she gets hit on. No, it's no economical.

 

Let's just say that when she comes walking to me saying a guy and her kiss, I'm ready to walk out of the relationship. I of course don't wish for that to happen. But in today's age, there is always that chance.

 

Once I set these contingencies in place, things seem to be simpler.

I think you and d0nnivain are both correct. I think d0nnivain nailed her communication style on the head. I also think you're correct in how to handle it. The issue is solely mine as it's truly harmless messaging on her end no matter how I would handle it differently. The real issue and the reason it's stings is the respect issue for me. I WOULDNT do that, I would cut it cold and it pisses me off that she doesn't. She isn't me and I'm not her. She has never entertained any of these invitations and always tells me what they say. It's something I will have to learn to handle, but if a line gets crossed on her end, it's deuces to her for good. That I won't hesitate.

[Gary S]

You may be overthinking things.... nothing is ever going to happen anyway with those guys and your girl - people can't kiss on Spacebook.

 

Look at the bright side - you have an attractive woman.

[Keenly]

You may be overthinking things.... nothing is ever going to happen anyway with those guys and your girl - people can't kiss on Spacebook.

 

Look at the bright side - you have an attractive woman.

 

That's great news for all of the people that have already been cheated on that started with Facebook correspondence.

[Gary S]

That's great news for all of the people that have already been cheated on that started with Facebook correspondence.

 

- If they were cheated on, it's their own fault - either they did something wrong, or picked the wrong person, someone immature and lacking integrity. Sometimes victims are really volunteers.

[Keenly]

- If they were cheated on, it's their own fault - either they did something wrong, or picked the wrong person, someone immature and lacking integrity. Sometimes victims are really volunteers.

 

This has to be the worst post I've ever seen on LoveShack.

 

 

Remember kids, if your cheated on, it's your fault. You deserved to be hurt and lied to.

[Gary S]

It takes two to tango.

[smackie9]

Women/girls get hit on whether it be on FB or irl. You CAN'T prevent it from happening. What she's shouldn't be allowed on social media or go out in public? maybe she needs to wear a Burka?

[h20-50]

Women/girls get hit on whether it be on FB or irl. You CAN'T prevent it from happening. What she's shouldn't be allowed on social media or go out in public? maybe she needs to wear a Burka?

 

Did I ever say that??

 

I said IMO she should be forward with these guys and not communicate with LOL's and LMAO's. That just encourages guys. That was my opinion and I was looking for other opinions and advice.

[smackie9]

Did I ever say that??

 

I said IMO she should be forward with these guys and not communicate with LOL's and LMAO's. That just encourages guys. That was my opinion and I was looking for other opinions and advice.

 

As a woman I will tell you this...saying you have a BF doesn't deter them from continuing communication.

 

BTW why are you snooping through her stuff....that's an invasion of her privacy.

[smackie9]

if it concerns you, tell her. If you feel it jeopardizes your relationship dump her.

[gaius]

Didn't know that. Ok I was just going to ask how I should approach this if at all? I agree with you and Gauis's advice. When I brought it up she expressed it as you did just in different words. I don't feel threatened or insecure just perturbed by it and disrespected mostly. Maybe it's just how I am but I'm certain a majority of guys would feel the same way, especially in a committed relationship, both early thirties, with children involved.

It's pretty normal to feel that way at first, but after you've been around it enough you start to realize it's not really disrespect. You're the one she goes to bed with (ultimate form of respect from a woman) and she's not hiding anything from you, but being open and honest about her experiences. It sounds to me like you've got yourself a good one.

 

I remember one thread where the guy threw such a sht fit about his girlfriend talking to some dude on facebook once in a while that she actually started to get interested in him when she wasn't before because she felt like her boyfriend was intimidated. So just be careful about how big an issue you want to make it. If you do love this girl and want to be with her.

[fred123]

- If they were cheated on, it's their own fault - either they did something wrong, or picked the wrong person, someone immature and lacking integrity. Sometimes victims are really volunteers.

 

I'm sorry Gary but this post is beyond ridiculous . its like you justifying terrorism or the acts in Tunisia. its the the victims fault no?

this post actually disgusts me

[fred123]

im worried about the hypocrisy in these threads and how women on here would respond differently for sure if OP was a woman instead of a man. id be so confident id put my mortgage on it that the response wold be very different. what a sad world we live in

[noonynicky]

I was like the OP once. Being in that position in the relationship has really taught me to derive less from your partner. It seems to me it's not a matter security, but a matter of respect.

 

Try deriving respect from something else. While subjective, which would you prefer - getting respect from 10 established people or respect from your 1 girlfriend? When you choose the former, I ensure you you won't be reacting this way.

 

It won't work for most. But it had worked for me.

[Quiet Storm]

I think it's disrespectful, especially since you told her how you felt about it.

 

Her reluctance to be straight up with them is making you feel disrespected, that's the reality of it. Eventually you will build resentment, which is going to have a negative effect on the relationship. If I was her, I wouldn't want my BF to feel that way, and I wouldn't want to threaten my relationship, especially not over guys that mean nothing to me.

 

It's not in her nature to be direct, but what is the level of discomfort we are talking about here? Will she be riddled with anxiety and resent you forever if she agrees to send a direct message to these guys? Or would it be mild discomfort? It's not like you're asking her to be a total bltch to her best guy friend. Sending a straight up "I have a BF" message to guys who aren't even important to her may be out of her comfort zone, but c'mon, she can't tolerate a few minutes of mild discomfort to make her man feel better?

 

In my opinion, her allowing them to continue this without checking them is like saying "I don't care if you feel disrespected, I don't care that this is causing problems between us- it's more important for me to avoid the mild discomfort I will feel by telling these guys who mean nothing to me, that I have a BF".

Edited July 10, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[noonynicky]

I agree with you, it is disrespectful. I had an issue like this with my GF when we first got together.

 

Hmmm ... I must be the odd one out. There were instances where my girlfriend did not explicitly say that she has a boyfriend. I did not feel disrespected at all. Okay, granted they met only three times. Had it persist longer and she did not eventually made it clear that she has a bf, then I probably would feel disrespected. The first few times, I was perfectly fine.

 

I make it sound that my girlfriend is out there intentionally meeting other guys. Not at all! Both of us are in the finance industry and we both understand that meeting people from the other sex will always happen under the context of business or networking. I know this. My girlfriend knows this.

 

And under that context, she meeting a man and she doesn't say she has a bf, first, second and maybe even three time, I couldn't care less. I guess my approach of deriving respect from something else works only for me.

[yxalitis]

It takes two to tango.

 

Yes, except it's your SO, and their lover...

[yxalitis]

if it concerns you, tell her. If you feel it jeopardizes your relationship dump her.

Oh lord, it's not as simple, or black and white as that...

Something potentially, might come to the point where it starts to threaten the relationship...so the best thing to do is...BREAK UP!

Yesterday someone offered me a cigarette, I declined, but then I thought: what if I accepted, OH My GOD!

I might like it, start smoking, get lung cancer, DIE!

Oh, I better just shoot myself now...

[h20-50]

Ok, just an update and resolution

First, no I didn't snoop. She got on her FB account on my phone, must not have closed it and I received the message when she wasn't there and based of the message I read the other he had sent.

 

So as luck would have it my friend is having the same exact issue with this guy, so I used that as a stepping board to bring it up and not make it about her, then I naturally made the transition after the conversation was flowing smoothly and openly to the messages she sent him. She told me to read the texts he sent her, not the FB messages and in the texts she mentioned me quite often. However this guy crossed a line with one thing he said, WAAAAYYYYY beyond a line.

 

Since they were friends he started off nice, asking about jobs, kids, life etc typical stuff to get convo flowing then slowly started to get goofy, drop slight innuendos and build on them, you get the point... You could tell by her responses she was taken back and deflected them then he all out said something unmistakably sexual, vulgar, and offensive to which she hasn't replied since. She didn't tell me about that last part before hand. She did tell me all the other stuff when he texted her initially, but apparently talked to her friends and they said since she has no intentions of replying after that last text to let it go and don't tell me.

 

Anyways I jumped the gun. We went through all the messages and texts together and the message I saw the other night was the first one she has received since early last month and there have been no communication since. She said she thought he was being playful when he started the slight innuendos as that was naturally his personality but you could tell that she started to get weirded out in her responses as he built on them. Then he made the all out sexual comment as he knew I was out of town.

 

So cliff notes version: she did mention me in texts directly, did thwart the advances with more than an lol and lmao and cut it off when his true colors showed. A keeper I'd say for sure, guess I have some insight on handling this next time and should take a better look at myself. Thanks for all your advice, I really appreciate it!

[d0nnivain]

So cliff notes version: she did mention me in texts directly, did thwart the advances with more than an lol and lmao and cut it off when his true colors showed. A keeper I'd say for sure, guess I have some insight on handling this next time and should take a better look at myself.

 

Sorry it took something so dramatic but glad you now have proof that she knows where the lines are and doesn't cross them.

[h20-50]

Sorry it took something so dramatic but glad you now have proof that she knows where the lines are and doesn't cross them.

 

Nothing to be sorry about, I've always seemed to learn the hard way. Good news is I didn't blowup or make it a big issue, it was my issue more than anything. I trusted her, but now I know for sure her stance and better yet her true morality when I'm not around.