Should I know everything / Should she tell me

[deadelvis]

My wife had an affair, lasted 6 months. It was last year. I keep having this questions on my mind, and everytime I try to ask anything we fight. Some say, I shouldn't know all the details, its gonna eat me inside. Int he other hand she is supposed to not hide/lie to me about it.

My feeling is that I will only rebuild my self esteem back once I know I am "better" than him (for her). But what if he is?

I wrote a list of questions. Please tell me what is right to as and what is not (some will not make any sense for you, just bear with me. And i'm gonna hide some info, for privacy):

====================================

What was you routine when at his place? And before he got his own place, where did you and him spend time and had sex?

After you came back from the concert in ****(another city), have you ever been with him again? Have you gone somewhere just you and him? Have you kissed him? Sex with him?

When was the last time you had sex with him?

What did you and him talk about your future together? Was he going to support you thru school, including tuition?

When did you break up with him? Did he just agree or did he try to talk you out of it? Did make any (more) promises for the future?

When did he stop contacting you? Did you have to ask him to stop? Did he insisted?

Do you think he has ever cheated on you? (except with [his wife]) Why, did you catch anything suspicious?

After breaking up with him, you kept seeing him as “friend”. Any kiss or sex?

To who in your life did you ever talk about him? For example, “me and [the OM] went to this place” or “[the OM] told me about this”, etc…

Did you ever fight with him? Why?

I know you and him talked a lot of **** about [the OM's wife]. What kinda **** did you and him talk about me?

How often did you sick his dick? Did you ever let him cum in your mouth? How often did you let him go down on you.

Does he think you came every time (or almost) you had sex?

How good was to have sex with him?

What happened the night you stayed with him until 5AM (that you said you slept in the car)

How does it feel to be with a rich man?

Did you and him used to walk holding hands?

Did you feel proud walking with him? For what reason? (he is handsome/ he is in charge, etc…)

He told Tamara that you had had sex with girls. Did you and him ever talk about doing that?

Did you tell him about any of our 3somes and swing club? Did you or him ever mentioned the existence of a swing club in [our city]?

Did he ever give ANY gift to you? Did you give any to him?

When I was in Miami, is it true that you didn’t go anywhere with him other than the game and restaurant?

Did you act like his girlfriend around town? Where and around who?

Did he introduce you to others as his “girlfriend”?

Did you feel like you were a “trophy” girl to him? Did you feel he was a “trophy” to you? Why?( Why yes or why no)

Did you ever go out of town with him? Where, when, why, what did you do?

Did he ever meet my kids? Did you meet his (the ogre)?

Did you ever tell him about how much money I make, our financial problems, or anything like that?

How did you interact with him at the dart games after you decided to not leave me? (Any touching, talking, what subjects of conversation, any reference to the affair, or things you used to do or places you went)

Were you and him open about being together at the games?

Do you think he has a fancy car?

Did he ever drove fast with you in the car? (did you ever thought “he is going too fast”, or told him to drive slower)

Did he ever carried his gun on him (his body, concealed)? Did he ever had it in his car? Have you ever seen his gun?

What kinda clothes did he use after work? How did you like it?

======================================================

 

Thanks yall!

 

I think you deserve answers to all these questions, (again, see Joseph's Letter) but I highlighted a few you may not want to ask. The answers to those questions in particular will not be good things for you to have bouncing around in your head. I would avoid those questions, although sadly I realize those are probably the ones you want answered the most. Be careful. Some things can never be forgotten.

[autumnnight]

I think you deserve answers to all these questions, (again, see Joseph's Letter) but I highlighted a few you may not want to ask. The answers to those questions in particular will not be good things for you to have bouncing around in your head. I would avoid those questions, although sadly I realize those are probably the ones you want answered the most. Be careful. Some things can never be forgotten.

 

This is actually good advice. I would think ahead of time which of these questions might have dealbreaker answers as well. It would be terrible to have this conversation, be devastated by the answers to the point you cannot ever get over them, and still stay married and prolong the misery.

 

There is no shame in an affair being a dealbreaker.

[regret143]

I think you deserve answers to all these questions, (again, see Joseph's Letter) but I highlighted a few you may not want to ask. The answers to those questions in particular will not be good things for you to have bouncing around in your head. I would avoid those questions, although sadly I realize those are probably the ones you want answered the most. Be careful. Some things can never be forgotten.

 

The oral sex ones, are key to me.... She would not do it with me (even though now she is doing).

I am very self confident about money and she revealed to me how much he makes, it is exact 2.25 times what I make, and her father makes probably 10 times what I make... So she is used to money, I need to know if it was a factor.

 

The "how good" one, is not really important, because I have all the clues and evidences that makes me think that it wasnt that good. He has ED issues (according to his and my wives) and according to mine, his "measurements are disappointing"

[Friskyone4u]

Regret,

 

You are getting beat up here because some people do not like your non monogamy choices. I could give a **** less about that.

 

Anyone who knows anything about opern marriages know that they are supposed to have rules and trust as the primary foundation. If you both mutually agreed to stop then her banging htis OM again after that was an affair just as much as if you were monogamous your entire marriage.

 

You also did not plan her miscarraige, and had been trying to get these answers apparently for some time before that and have been stonewalled.

 

You have a right to these answers. The facts did not change because of the miscarraige, and your wife could have provided this information way before now.

 

Her affair is no different just because you were swingers or whaqtever. It occurred after YOU were under the impression that was over. She owes you answers to what you want to know and that is your decision not anyone posting here's decision.

[sandylee1]

The oral sex ones, are key to me.... She would not do it with me (even though now she is doing).

I am very self confident about money and she revealed to me how much he makes, it is exact 2.25 times what I make, and her father makes probably 10 times what I make... So she is used to money, I need to know if it was a factor.

 

The "how good" one, is not really important, because I have all the clues and evidences that makes me think that it wasnt that good. He has ED issues (according to his and my wives) and according to mine, his "measurements are disappointing"

 

Something that BHs really struggle with is their WW doing a multitude of sexual acts with the OM, but they refuse to do those acts with their H. I can 100% understand this.

 

The most common response is that they wanted 'to please' the OM , even though they say they didn't enjoy those acts and find them disgusting. The OM pushes these acts saying his own wife won't do them, so the WW thinks she has to do better than the wife and agrees to anything to keep the affair going.

 

I would advise you to assume the worst in that area, but the truth might not set you free.

 

I'm sorry but I believe she's using the miscarriage as an excuse. She didn't answer the questions before, but now she's hiding behind the miscarriage to not answer your question.

 

I wouldn't be suprised if she planned the pregnancy as a distraction altogether , because let's face it , it's hard to badger a pregnant woman about the details of her affair. Then a baby comes along and there's so much more to deal with. Women can be very resourceful with finding ways to get what they want, I've seen such tactics used a fair bit.

 

You end up looking like the bad guy because you're stressing her out at such a "difficult and hormonal time '. Her blood pressure could rise and we don't want the baby to become distressed. Oh and remember , this is your baby as well who can detect it's mother being stressed. ....That's how people will spin it round on you.

 

Believe me I've seen woman plan pregnancies for a few reasons to get themselves out of a pickle.

 

I suggest you take care of birth control from now on yourself , otherwise it'll happen again.

[autumnnight]

OP, your comment about how early the miscarriage was got me thinking...are you certain she was even pregnant?

 

I know that seems like quite a turnaround from my other posts, but it's hard to believe that a miscarriage would be detected before a pregnancy can even be detected.

 

Edited to add: the main reason I brought up the swinging was that some of the people who were the most vehement in their bashing of the WW and defense of the OP subscribe to a marriage expert who I KNOW would NEVER approve of an open marriage, so that bugged me. But that was just my "thing" and their hypocrisy shouldn't have been addressed on the OP's thread. I apologize for that, OP.

Edited July 8, 2015 by autumnnight

[Darren Steez]

I would think if you encourage your wife to have sex with other people as a freedom...then it would be a greater turn on to have her have sex behind you back and come back and tell you the stories?

 

Freedom!

[lgspot]

Trust me regret, as a guy that SAW way more than he wanted to see, there are some things you don't want to know and mind movies you can't even imagine.

Don't stick your head in a fire if you aren't fully prepared to get singed.

If you want your questions answered, work through them with her.

Key words are "work" and "with."

Some cakes are best eaten one bite at a time .......

[road]

It was a mutual decision to stop.

 

Exactly how I think.

Thank you!

 

 

 

 

Why did you both decide to stop?

[road]

Speak from experience. Never getting the answers the BH will never be able to leave the affair in the past. 35 years later the BH will still want the answers that he needs.

[regret143]

Why did you both decide to stop?

 

Became it was damaging the marriage.

[regret143]

OP, your comment about how early the miscarriage was got me thinking...are you certain she was even pregnant?

 

I know that seems like quite a turnaround from my other posts, but it's hard to believe that a miscarriage would be detected before a pregnancy can even be detected.

 

Edited to add: the main reason I brought up the swinging was that some of the people who were the most vehement in their bashing of the WW and defense of the OP subscribe to a marriage expert who I KNOW would NEVER approve of an open marriage, so that bugged me. But that was just my "thing" and their hypocrisy shouldn't have been addressed on the OP's thread. I apologize for that, OP.

 

She had the miscarriage around 5 weeks after she started birth control. So the pregnancy was no more than 6 weeks

[regret143]

Speak from experience. Never getting the answers the BH will never be able to leave the affair in the past. 35 years later the BH will still want the answers that he needs.

 

That's what I keep telling her.

[regret143]

She answered all my questions today.

It went pretty much how I expected.

it was much more harder for her than it was for me, but it was necessary.

I feel much more ready to move on now.

[sandylee1]

She answered all my questions today.

It went pretty much how I expected.

it was much more harder for her than it was for me, but it was necessary.

I feel much more ready to move on now.

 

I'm pleased you got the answers to your questions.

 

Reconciliation is hard work and there are a lot of self help books out there to help you through this.

[regret143]

It was not easy...

on Wednesday, we had a friend couple over, started drinking, and I got drunk real quick. That and my anger combined, were like gasoline and fire. It was an ugly scenario. I basically discussed to much details in front of our friends (even though they are our closest friends) and exposed her too much.

Then last night when I got back home, the arguing started again, and she kept saying all the things she does for me to make me happy and how I still wont move on. After telling a handful of times that all she does makes me happy and grateful, only the questions would help me move on, she decide to answer them all.

Now my soul is a lot lighter. I think now I can really start a recover and really move on.

I still have a lot of things in my heart to forgive her for doing, but those I can work only internally.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

:love:

[Noirek]

Being drunk is just an excuse. I am sure you wanted to expose and shame her. That is really quite normal. I am not 100% for or against exposure. But I do think sharing dirty details with friends is a bit tasteless when you say you want to reconcile. And unfair to the friends. I do also think your wife is playing the "get over it" card a little early, meaning she has no idea the lasting impact and pain this causes. I understand just wanting it to go away. It isn't nice. I can't imagine my husband telling my indescretion details in front of me to friends. (However I also can't imagine it because he is not that type of person, drunk or sober so...)

 

Maybe you guys need to go back to MC and get some ground rules. When and where you discuss the affair. Safe words and that sort of thing.

 

Your car questions were unique. Have you asked yourself why something line that was so important to you?

[regret143]

Being drunk is just an excuse. I am sure you wanted to expose and shame her. That is really quite normal. I am not 100% for or against exposure. But I do think sharing dirty details with friends is a bit tasteless when you say you want to reconcile. And unfair to the friends. I do also think your wife is playing the "get over it" card a little early, meaning she has no idea the lasting impact and pain this causes. I understand just wanting it to go away. It isn't nice. I can't imagine my husband telling my indescretion details in front of me to friends. (However I also can't imagine it because he is not that type of person, drunk or sober so...)

 

Maybe you guys need to go back to MC and get some ground rules. When and where you discuss the affair. Safe words and that sort of thing.

 

Your car questions were unique. Have you asked yourself why something line that was so important to you?

 

Yes, I always wanted to expose her, just not as much as I did. Being drunk is not my excuse. Being angry and drunk was my problem. When drunk people do what they always wanted to do, but know better not to. When you're angry, you do want to hurt and humiliate. That's what happened. And this couple are very close, they also discuss they problems with us. Actually it all started because the wife friend was trying to make us talk our problems out.... bad timing...

 

MC was agreed already. I just dont know if I do MC now, or IC for her, she is depressed.

 

My car questions... I love cars and I am very self confident about the car I have. I bought mine for 16k, it's normal sedan, but I wanted to buy a sportish (at least), faster car, but couldnt because she strongly opposed, saying "only douche bags drive that kind of car, if you buy one I will never ride with you". And he has a 80k 550hp car. Do you see it?

[Noirek]

Yes, I always wanted to expose her, just not as much as I did. Being drunk is not my excuse. Being angry and drunk was my problem. When drunk people do what they always wanted to do, but know better not to. When you're angry, you do want to hurt and humiliate. That's what happened. And this couple are very close, they also discuss they problems with us. Actually it all started because the wife friend was trying to make us talk our problems out.... bad timing...

 

MC was agreed already. I just dont know if I do MC now, or IC for her, she is depressed.

 

My car questions... I love cars and I am very self confident about the car I have. I bought mine for 16k, it's normal sedan, but I wanted to buy a sportish (at least), faster car, but couldnt because she strongly opposed, saying "only douche bags drive that kind of car, if you buy one I will never ride with you". And he has a 80k 550hp car. Do you see it?

 

Yes I see the car part. But let me tell you a little something about new relationships. Sometimes people become little puppies who want to please the other person. We degrade ourselves and become pathetic. What she told you she told you comfortably and was probably her true feelings. However she may have had to pretend for OM. Specially if he treated her like trash. That is her issue and not yours.

 

She probably is depressed because she screwed up and lost her baby. It might be good for her to see a psychologist for the depression.

Edited July 10, 2015 by Noirek

[bobwhite007]

Wow , you sound a lot like me

[elaine567]

 

She probably is depressed because she screwed up and lost her baby. It might be good for her to see a psychologist for the depression.

 

Get her help ASAP.

[Try]

About 10 weeks ago, she had a miscarriage (my baby, for sure, let's not waste time around this question), and since then she has been depressed. She was probably 3 or 4 weeks pregnant.

Now this is how she is postponing the answering of my questions. While I think is fair and loving to give her some time to recover, I feel like she had enough time before that. And I have a feeling, it's gonna be "too late" then.

I can hear she saying "We have been so good all this time, why bring this up now?". Feels like a trap.

It was a trap. Only a year after she had a 6 month affair, she is trying to get pregnant so as to lock you in without her having to show further remorse or transparency, and to get you to drop the affair topic as she pushes to rug sweep. Deep down you know this, which is why you are not depressed about the miscarriage. You dodged a bullet, as you should not have a child with her right now as the impact of her affair on you works itself through.

[Try]

My car questions... I love cars and I am very self confident about the car I have. I bought mine for 16k, it's normal sedan, but I wanted to buy a sportish (at least), faster car, but couldnt because she strongly opposed, saying "only douche bags drive that kind of car, if you buy one I will never ride with you". And he has a 80k 550hp car. Do you see it?

Many women want the security of being married to the safe guy that does what she tells him to do, while also having the excitement of having sex with the bad boy douche bag that is his own man and could care less what what type of car she thinks that he should drive. Also, if you drove a sporty car, she may feel that this would make you more attractive to other women, thus making you less of a safe guy to her. Get a sporty car right now, and tell her she does not have to ride with you if she does not want to.

[Artie Lang]

i suggest you lay off the sauce a bit... at least while you're trying for reconciliation.

[TrustedthenBusted]

You should ask all those questions.

 

And then get prepared to hear a whole bunch of lies.