Process of breaking up.

[Versacehottie]

well hang in there. There is so much more to gain. That's why I say getting into your hobby or fitness is helpful. Basically you need to reconnect with feeling good and motivated for yourself in a purely selfish way. It will give you hope and let you see the possibilities. It's from remaining focused on yourself with positive thoughts and feelings that you will get through this most easily. Put her behind you--I'm sure you have great things in your future with dating and girls.

[dpn4u]

here's the thing with drugs (alcohol is a narcotic drug, don't let anyone tell you different)...

 

Drugs make addicted people happy when they do them. When they aren't high or drunk they are moody and pissy because they don't feel good.

 

This makes them more likely to fly off the handle about stupid stuff. Your desire to get away from her is your gut saying "Run! Run as fast as you can!" because you know there's a problem. If you even have to ask, there's a problem.

 

If you love her, ask her to get help. She probably won't which will give you the perfect excuse to get the hell out of dodge. You can't help someone that won't help themselves and it's only going to get worse. I've been through it with an addict. It can get MUCH worse.

[theonlyone1]

here's the thing with drugs (alcohol is a narcotic drug, don't let anyone tell you different)...

 

Drugs make addicted people happy when they do them. When they aren't high or drunk they are moody and pissy because they don't feel good.

 

This makes them more likely to fly off the handle about stupid stuff. Your desire to get away from her is your gut saying "Run! Run as fast as you can!" because you know there's a problem. If you even have to ask, there's a problem.

 

If you love her, ask her to get help. She probably won't which will give you the perfect excuse to get the hell out of dodge. You can't help someone that won't help themselves and it's only going to get worse. I've been through it with an addict. It can get MUCH worse.

 

While I agree with that, she was more violent while drinking. She's not the type of girl that drinks a glass of wine, she'll have the whole bottle to herself and say she's not drunk and will venture off onto the next bottle. There no in between for her, its either lets get drunk or why bother drinking. Even while being sloppy and embarrassing me in front of my friends, she goes for another drink. After all this she makes me feel bad for putting away the drinks and not serving her more claiming I'm controlling and being judgmental. While I agree that is a form of controlling, her drinking to the point of blacking out is not what I want when I have my friends over. Especially when it leads to yelling, hitting, or throwing of my possessions.

 

But the anger isn't only there when drunk, it's sober as well, just not to the level of when drunk. I know when she was in elementary school she had to go to anger management because she threw a chair at a teacher. While she says its better now, she still should be seeing someone about it. Not only was this aimed at me but at her family members. I felt terrible as she verbally abused her mother in-front of me just as she would do the same to me. Writing this out is actually helping me a lot as when re reading it, it makes me sound crazy for ever dealing with that.

 

The sad part about this is that she doesn't think she has a problem. She doesn't think she abused me emotionally or that she would drink too much or that she didn't give enough.

[Versacehottie]

wow! throwing a chair at a teacher in grammar school!!!!??? Anger management at that young an age tells me that it will be nearly impossible for her to change. She is definitely dysfunctional. Gets her way by throwing tantrums. Or people having seen the tantrums just let her have her way to avoid a conflict with her. You are going to have so much better. The majority of people aren't like this at all. I don't know if i would say the alcohol is such a problem because in your posts I didn't see that taking center stage. In college it's pretty normal for people to drink as you've described. The tantrums and anger etc: not normal. Consider yourself lucky to have moved on and keep it that way!!

 

About the 30 day discussion, how are you going to handle? You need to be really prepared. If you feel ok about it, I would just say to her that I don't think we need to meet. I've had enough time to go through my feelings and the break up is for the best. There is nothing left to discuss. You could do that on phone so if she had something to say she could say it. But keep it brief. Closure is stupid and overrated. It usually just stirs up old feelings and one person is usually longing still for the other. Which will just start the whole mess all over again. I get that you did it to get her off your back for a while and to speak to her when she had some sense. Don't you think seeing the side of her that is calm and on her best behavior going to make you doubt your decision? It will be a small moment in time under unusual circumstances that doesn't represent how your relationship really is.

[theonlyone1]

wow! throwing a chair at a teacher in grammar school!!!!??? Anger management at that young an age tells me that it will be nearly impossible for her to change. She is definitely dysfunctional. Gets her way by throwing tantrums. Or people having seen the tantrums just let her have her way to avoid a conflict with her. You are going to have so much better. The majority of people aren't like this at all. I don't know if i would say the alcohol is such a problem because in your posts I didn't see that taking center stage. In college it's pretty normal for people to drink as you've described. The tantrums and anger etc: not normal. Consider yourself lucky to have moved on and keep it that way!!

 

About the 30 day discussion, how are you going to handle? You need to be really prepared. If you feel ok about it, I would just say to her that I don't think we need to meet. I've had enough time to go through my feelings and the break up is for the best. There is nothing left to discuss. You could do that on phone so if she had something to say she could say it. But keep it brief. Closure is stupid and overrated. It usually just stirs up old feelings and one person is usually longing still for the other. Which will just start the whole mess all over again. I get that you did it to get her off your back for a while and to speak to her when she had some sense. Don't you think seeing the side of her that is calm and on her best behavior going to make you doubt your decision? It will be a small moment in time under unusual circumstances that doesn't represent how your relationship really is.

 

I'm hoping that by the time the 30 days comes around, we will both be finally out of the habit (assuming it takes 21 days to break one) of speaking to each other and we won't even need to meet. Either that or she just never brings it up. I think 30 days will be enough for me to get myself strong enough to know that she still isn't right for me.

 

I also told her that for every form of contact she has with me in those 30 days, I add 15 to the original date. From past experience I believe she will either give in and text me or get drunk one night and call me which be a domino effect and extend the 30 days indefinitely.

[losangelena]

I'm hoping that by the time the 30 days comes around, we will both be finally out of the habit (assuming it takes 21 days to break one) of speaking to each other and we won't even need to meet. Either that or she just never brings it up. I think 30 days will be enough for me to get myself strong enough to know that she still isn't right for me.

 

I also told her that for every form of contact she has with me in those 30 days, I add 15 to the original date. From past experience I believe she will either give in and text me or get drunk one night and call me which be a domino effect and extend the 30 days indefinitely.

 

 

Just so I'm fully tracking—you offered up a chat after 30 days no contact in order to mitigate her current onslaught of contact? Was that the only reason, to kind of "get her off your back?" Do you really actually want to meet with her? From your follow-up "rule," it seems as if you're hoping she'll flub up enough (+15 days indefinitely) that you won't have to see her. I feel like if you really did have an interest in seeing her, you'd grant her that meeting after 30 days, no conditions.

 

Maybe I've got all that wrong, so please do clarify.

 

If you don't want to see her again, just tell her that.

[theonlyone1]

Just so I'm fully tracking—you offered up a chat after 30 days no contact in order to mitigate her current onslaught of contact? Was that the only reason, to kind of "get her off your back?" Do you really actually want to meet with her? From your follow-up "rule," it seems as if you're hoping she'll flub up enough (+15 days indefinitely) that you won't have to see her. I feel like if you really did have an interest in seeing her, you'd grant her that meeting after 30 days, no conditions.

 

Maybe I've got all that wrong, so please do clarify.

 

If you don't want to see her again, just tell her that.

 

 

No I don't want to see her, I'm hoping to by day 30 she will be easier to speak too if need be. But yea the plan is to not have to see her.

 

However I do have her passport from a recent trip and was planning on giving it to her then if we ended up meeting. If not I would do a drop off.

[losangelena]

No I don't want to see her, I'm hoping to by day 30 she will be easier to speak too if need be. But yea the plan is to not have to see her.

 

However I do have her passport from a recent trip and was planning on giving it to her then if we ended up meeting. If not I would do a drop off.

 

Yes, but why speak to her again if you don't want to? She probably will be easier to speak to after 30 days have gone by. But so what? If you're done, you're done, and I don't see the value of meeting with her again just for the sake of meeting with her. Do you see a potential platonic relationship coming out of this?

 

I don't know, going cold turkey no contact seems harsher at the beginning, but really it's a kinder gesture. Why keep her on a thread of, "if you play by my rules, you get the reward of seeing me?" For what purpose? You think eventually seeing her will sate her need and that she'll leave you alone? No, meeting with her at any point will reopen a line of communication.

 

I applaud your mettle in breaking up with her, but do yourselves both a favor and leave the past in the past.

 

Oh, and I'm sure you could find a way of getting her her passport without seeing her.

[Versacehottie]

I'm hoping that by the time the 30 days comes around, we will both be finally out of the habit (assuming it takes 21 days to break one) of speaking to each other and we won't even need to meet. Either that or she just never brings it up. I think 30 days will be enough for me to get myself strong enough to know that she still isn't right for me.

 

I also told her that for every form of contact she has with me in those 30 days, I add 15 to the original date. From past experience I believe she will either give in and text me or get drunk one night and call me which be a domino effect and extend the 30 days indefinitely.

 

I would just change the deal if she breaks the 30 days. And just say: glad you caught me, I can see that we will never be on same page due to your impulse control issues. Ok maybe not exactly that. But if she breaks the silence, why keep extending it? It just keeps both of you locked in. And unless the final conversation is for mature closure (unnecessary but whatever), if you keep extending it and making her jump through hoops to get it, you will be creating a potential stalker issue. The goal is to have you less involved with each other. Setting up conditions like this makes you both more on each other's mind and invested than you need to be. I can see the 30 day cooling down period if the goal is just to have a conversation but it feels like you are dangling a carrot where she would think if she is on good behavior she will have another chance with you. Don't fool yourself or I will think you like this as much as she does.

 

Just, if you must, have the final conversation at 30 days. Indifference will let her know you have moved on. Setting new conditions and babying her will let her know you're still engaged. I wouldn't talk to her anymore if I were you but that's me. I would get her stuff back to her and that's it.

[theonlyone1]

Well I had a slip up. I'm not proud of it but it has left me in a confused emotional state. I currently don't have a therapist and am normally keep things to myself so I'm hoping to get non judgmental comments about my experience.

 

So this is how it happened, we hadn't been speaking and finally the 30th day came around. I agreed to meet and told her that I still felt the same way and we went our separate ways. Come Sept 1st, which is our anniversary, she texted me in the middle of the night "Happy Anniversary". I ignored it and the next morning she texted me she had left some perfume and wanted it back. Here is where I made the mistake, I took it personally to her. So I showed up at her house and saw her wearing a low cut shirt and instantly felt tingly. I knew it wasn't love, just sexual tension from not seeing her in so long. She must have picked up on this and invited me to drinks, I agreed. The night ended with us having sex and great sex might I add. HUGE MISTAKE! After that we kept on texting, meeting up just for sex and some cuddling but it never felt like dating to me. I knew she wanted me back and I still did care for her but I just knew I couldn't be in love with her because of who she was, no matter how much she promised she had changed.

 

She bribed me with sex and call it what you will, it was lack of self control on my part but it was just so good I couldn't get myself to say no. While now I feel terrible that I led her on/used her, it was an amazing time for me, sex when I wanted it and nothing to tie me down from doing what I wanted. Without making this sound like the old "penthouse forum", she basically gave me all my sexual fantasies I requested when we were dating but she would never give. Some examples, anal and a threesome with one of her friends that I thought was smoking. She had also changed in her ways and I was sure it was temporarily but all the things I complained about, she changed. I was thinking maybe I can give her one more shot at changing.

 

So I had been going out with my friends and she would stay at home waiting for me so one day she asked me if she could have her friend come over. Yes, it was at that point where she would ask me for permission, something I told her she didn't need to do but I'm sure she was just scared anything she did wrong would get me mad. So I said yea and that we would do FaceTime later that night as we needed to book a hotel for the weekend and she made it seem like she would just be over for a little. She reassured me that they weren't going out. As I expected though, she sends me a texting telling me they are going to the local bar to grab some drinks but it will be quick and just them 2. They end up staying there for like 2 hours and at this point I'm getting mad because she lied to me and I know shes drinking too much. She tells me they each had a pitcher and shot. Then she asks me if she can go with her friend to this guys house. While I do know him and we are all pretty sure he is gay, she knew very well I don't want her going to someones house at midnight on a weekday. I told her she knows I don't want her going but if she does, to take an uber. So she told me she did and I went to bed. I woke up at 3am to use the bathroom and texted her saying, you home, and got no response and went back to bed.

 

The next morning I get a text from her at like 9am and shes like yea I got home around 2. I asked if she took an uber home and she said yea her car is still at the bar and I said ok good. At this point I was really trying to find anything wrong with that night so I could get out of being with her and not booking the hotel because I knew she was going back to her old ways. So I go to my friends and he tells me that her friend sent a snap of my ex and they looked drunk. So i said what time was it at, and of course at 3:05 am. At this point I'm pissed, not only did she lie about what time she got home but also didn't respond to my text when clearly she was awake. At this point all I see is red and start grilling her and try to see how many lies shes going to give me. I was like how did you get home at lets say 4-5 and wake up at 9 when that never happens, she normally wakes up at 11-12 even when going to bed at a normal time. I'm thinking maybe she just home at 9, someone dropped her off, or someone left at 9am. So she gets all defensive and says she can prove it so I said ok, show me the uber from the bar to this kids house. Apparently she can't find it and texts her friend for it and she can't find it so I'm like obviously you didn't take one. And she did leave her car so someone took her. Then I find out the kid was at the bar with them.

 

Now I'm really mad because its lies ontop of lies and she just won't admit she was wrong. Then I ask for the uber receipt from his house back to hers to see when she really got home. She can't find it and says that they canceled it and never charged her for it. She seemed to think that because she had a call from uber at 3;30 that it proves she took it. Finally like a day later she sends me the uber receipt from her friend showing they took it to her house but it went some weird way. When I ask, she says that they stopped at the "kwik stop" just to pee. Mind you this is the only place that sells beer to underage kids and there are plenty of places to pee. To not drag it on anymore, I told her straight up, I'm sorry but this is just going back to the old ways and I'm not going to be a part of it. What is really sad is that she probably didn't do anything all that bad but the fact that she lied and then lied about the lie with another lie is just too much for me.

 

The real reason I came here was really to get this off my chest as it was just too embarrassing to tell my family or friends. It's also because she made me think I'm crazy for not believing her but someone who is prone to lying and covering up lies with more lies is just not someone you can trust. She also tells me that saying she got home at 2 and not 3:30 when she really got home isn't a lie. And that withholding the fact the the kid was at the bar with them isn't lie either. I truly know that asking for so much evidence is on the edge of crazy and if anyone asked me for all that info, I would tell them to F off, I really just wanted to see how far she could carry the lie. All in all, I think I'm in a better place now for realizing she can't change, at least not in a month, and feel that it truly is over and time for me to heal.

[theonlyone1]

I know its a long read but would love someone's opinion. Especially on the lying part, assuming we were still together would the way she lied lead you to suspicion and a deal breaker.

[losangelena]

So, after your 30-day break, this girl lures you back into having a relationship by being sexually uninhibited, and you bite. But you never actually had a conversation about what wasn't working before, so now you're surprised (are you surprised?) that she's reverting back to her old ways.

 

Color me shocked.

 

I will give you the same advice I gave you before. Stop talking to her.

[Versacehottie]

As losangelena says stop talking to her.

 

I think the lies were small most likely but point is they are still lies. I do think it was a little twisted to basically be back with her essentially for sex and not for a potential future and to feel like you have right to impose restrictions, etc. or get jealous about what she does or if she is lying to. If it's a throwaway relationship to you, why would you expect or demand or even be interested in her honesty and behavior. A little twisted.

 

Continuing any part of this is a straight road to dysfunction.

 

good luck

[theonlyone1]

Thanks, I appreciate the honest advice from both of you.

 

And while at first I saw it as a throw away, I kind of started to believe she had changed because it was so good, hence why I was going to book the hotel to stay at the beach. We were supposed to FaceTime that night to get it all squared away, something in which she had been pushing me to do but blew me off to go drink. When we started talking again she begged for a second chance and said if anything went wrong she would understand me leaving her. Well I gave her the second chance and she messed it up with heavy drinking/lying. She didn't believe she messed up so at this point I can't be with someone that doesn't think that isn't considered messing up.

 

As of now I really have no intention of talking to her, I have also found a possible "rebound" to get my mind off her, so hopefully things work out. Last thing I told her was that if she learned anything from this relashionship it's that you shouldn't lie to people you love, especially small lies. My thinking is that if your willing to lie about something so small, why wouldn't you lie about something bigger.

[losangelena]

Well I'm glad you're moving on. I don't quite understand the logic of, "the sex is amazing, so she must have changed." Like, it's been 30 days. I can understand the desire to believe that, however, so maybe it's not so strange. But still. Good on ya.