AnotherSadSong Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I would like to add that for myself, at the end of the day, it does matter, you matter. Regardless if someone is speaking to me via internet, phone, or in person and I am either guided or I offer guidance, that person matters to me or it would serve no purpose, not genuine, and pointless in my mind and heart. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Thanks for clarifying. I don't know your story but I will happily listen or read to gain understanding. I don't think you read my story either but for clarification, I selfishly threw a clanger threatening to expose, AP freaked, ran home and did it himself. As he is a liar, he probably didn't tell the complete truth, but that isn't my issue. My issue is to examine my behaviour and fix my personal defects. I know FOR A FACT I will never be OW ever again. My aim is to understand why I did it in the first place and how I could allow myself to be so callous and hurtful to BW by my participation in the A. I don't want to ever be that person who has no regard for another person to serve whatever selfish need I had again. Thanks for your response You did it for the same reason all of us do it - your MM met some powerful needs of yours and those feelings clouded your judgment for a time. Powerful feelings tend to do that - just take a look around at how many people are vulnerable to this very thing. Politicians, priests, CEOs, presidents, senators, congressmen, housewives, doctors, lawyers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. The most reasoned, decent people in the world can be turned upside down by powerful feelings. And once overtaken, it's very easy to ignore the fact that somewhere out there someone may be hurt by your temporary insanity. I think those same powerful feelings are what lead to the temporary insanity of your exposure to BW. You were overwhelmed, distraught, confused, hurt, angry, and probably a whole lot of other things. There came a point where something had to give, so you acted out without thinking it through properly. Many people do foolish things when they get to a point of emotional irrationality. My advice? Use your therapy time to examine your decisions and actions step-by-step through the whole affair. One does not go from sitting next to a stranger at a bus stop into a full-fledged affair in 5 minutes (for example). You were making decisions every step of the way and those decisions could lead you either closer to, or further from, having an affair with a man who was married. You job now is to examine those decisions you made and draw some new boundaries you simply will never cross again where married men are concerned. You are human. You made a mistake (or a series of them, if one wants to get pedantic about it). You do not need to make those mistakes again if you don't want to. I wish you the best. I really do. Rain 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 You did it for the same reason all of us do it - your MM met some powerful needs of yours and those feelings clouded your judgment for a time. Powerful feelings tend to do that - just take a look around at how many people are vulnerable to this very thing. Politicians, priests, CEOs, presidents, senators, congressmen, housewives, doctors, lawyers, butchers, bakers and candlestick makers. The most reasoned, decent people in the world can be turned upside down by powerful feelings. And once overtaken, it's very easy to ignore the fact that somewhere out there someone may be hurt by your temporary insanity. I think those same powerful feelings are what lead to the temporary insanity of your exposure to BW. You were overwhelmed, distraught, confused, hurt, angry, and probably a whole lot of other things. There came a point where something had to give, so you acted out without thinking it through properly. Many people do foolish things when they get to a point of emotional irrationality. My advice? Use your therapy time to examine your decisions and actions step-by-step through the whole affair. One does not go from sitting next to a stranger at a bus stop into a full-fledged affair in 5 minutes (for example). You were making decisions every step of the way and those decisions could lead you either closer to, or further from, having an affair with a man who was married. You job now is to examine those decisions you made and draw some new boundaries you simply will never cross again where married men are concerned. You are human. You made a mistake (or a series of them, if one wants to get pedantic about it). You do not need to make those mistakes again if you don't want to. I wish you the best. I really do. Rain Thank you for your kind and peaceful post. I wont ever makes these mistakes again! Just for clarity, I did NOT expose. AP did it himself. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 New Leaf cut off the supply. If you continue to feed it, it grows bigger and bigger. It is only going to hurt you because you are here asking for help. How are you doing? Thank you for your response. Im not yet up on the terminology. Cut off what supply? Supply of information on how others have coped? Thank you for asking how I am doing. I'm not quite sure. I am appalled at my behaviour so some self hate. Incredulous that I somehow convinced myself this was ok. Numb because of the unexpected ending. Relief. Disgusted with myself for hurting BW. Hurting. a bit of everything. Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I would hang up on her. I don't owe her anything, much less an explanation. Whatever he decides to tell or not tell his wife, it's between the two of them. Maybe they stand a chance of fixing whatever is broken in their marriage which would be destroyed if I exposed him. Maybe not. But it's not my place to make that judgement call. And whoever said I sound angry - you bet I do. I don't suffer fools gladly, and sheer selfishness and stupidity of those who tell wives and then pontificate here how he deserved her wrath and she deserved to know the truth does indeed make me angry. I was both, a betrayed spouse and TOW. And I would never demean myself and compromise my dignity by confronting the other woman, or answering the wive's questions. We all knew we were getting involved with deceitful men, except for far and few in between cases when MM misrepresented his status. So why act so hurt and indignant when it's done to us what we'd facilitated done to their wives? Come on, take responsibility and punishment of pain and despair and walk away without leaving a trail of carnage behind. You may think its selfish and foolish to tell the BS, but as a former BS myself I am so grateful that the xow had the decency to tell me when I called and asked her. It was an honorable thing and made me realize that she was a woman who lost her way when she starting seeing a MM. I will forever be thankful that she was honest with me. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 While some OW?OM may tell for spite, I really do believe some people wake up to what they are doing and how wrong it is, and they really are trying to do the right thing when they tell the BS. I am sure it probably doesn't feel that way to the BS, but I have to believe it is sometimes true. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
the_artist_1970 Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 It might make you less angry to understand that the AP doesn't view the married couple as a unit. OW/OM view their affair partner as a single unit with a spouse hovering somewhere in the background and not a factor in the affair at all. Hence the "I don't owe her anything, he does" argument. It's called compartmentalization and it's kind of a requirement for an affair to proceed. If looked at realistically - ie you're entering a relationship as the third person in an already established couple relationship you'd really be forced to acknowledge the couple as a single unit and yourself as a third - which is an unpleasant reality. It's much easier to make the unknowing betrayed spouse a non-person to whom you owe nothing. It's really not personal. It's how affairs work. This post is an Oprah's aha moment for me. Thank you so much for writing this. It explains so much for me. Thank you, thank you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Thank you for your response. Im not yet up on the terminology. Cut off what supply? Supply of information on how others have coped? Thank you for asking how I am doing. I'm not quite sure. I am appalled at my behaviour so some self hate. Incredulous that I somehow convinced myself this was ok. Numb because of the unexpected ending. Relief. Disgusted with myself for hurting BW. Hurting. a bit of everything. It is ok was lost in translation and not important enough to elaborate on. You are going through the worst part. Are you getting out? I exercised, dressed and went around the city getting things done and feel much better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 It is ok was lost in translation and not important enough to elaborate on. You are going through the worst part. Are you getting out? I exercised, dressed and went around the city getting things done and feel much better! No I have only been out to go to therapy. I quit my job last week (because we worked at the same enormous global company and even though on separate continents I didn't ever want to see him by accident, have him know my email, etc.), so I am sending CV's all day looking for work. I gave notice so I'd have a good reference so officially I am still working there for a few more weeks although I am on what they call gardening leave. I have a special occupation and even the extremely generous salary I earn was less important than making sure we never even accidentally crossed paths again. Completely lost my appetite but I have been managing shower, hair wash, get dressed. Will go for a short walk. Thank you for thinking of me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I have only been out to go to therapy. I quit my job last week (because we worked at the same enormous global company and even though on separate continents I didn't ever want to see him by accident, have him know my email, etc.), so I am sending CV's all day looking for work. I gave notice so I'd have a good reference so officially I am still working there for a few more weeks although I am on what they call gardening leave. I have a special occupation and even the extremely generous salary I earn was less important than making sure we never even accidentally crossed paths again. Completely lost my appetite but I have been managing shower, hair wash, get dressed. Will go for a short walk. Thank you for thinking of me. The fresh air will do you good. It is temporary because the overwhelming feelings and magnitude of the affair ending reappear. One day at a time. Others mentioned we will get there and whenever, wherever, and whatever that is, it will be something new and much better. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 No I have only been out to go to therapy. I quit my job last week (because we worked at the same enormous global company and even though on separate continents I didn't ever want to see him by accident, have him know my email, etc.), so I am sending CV's all day looking for work. I gave notice so I'd have a good reference so officially I am still working there for a few more weeks although I am on what they call gardening leave. I have a special occupation and even the extremely generous salary I earn was less important than making sure we never even accidentally crossed paths again. Completely lost my appetite but I have been managing shower, hair wash, get dressed. Will go for a short walk. Thank you for thinking of me. Holy cow-you are a get it done kinda girl huh? Quit your job and all! Channel some of that energy in to your healing-if you have the guts to walk away from a successful career you have the guts to heal- my only word of caution is that it takes more time than you think and more energy that you feel like you have- please don't be mad at yourself if you falter for weeks to come- not trying to scare you, just letting you know, it can be a long painful journey- especially for those of us that hate the out of control, why can't I turn my mind off kind of feeling- 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Holy cow-you are a get it done kinda girl huh? Quit your job and all! Channel some of that energy in to your healing-if you have the guts to walk away from a successful career you have the guts to heal- my only word of caution is that it takes more time than you think and more energy that you feel like you have- please don't be mad at yourself if you falter for weeks to come- not trying to scare you, just letting you know, it can be a long painful journey- especially for those of us that hate the out of control, why can't I turn my mind off kind of feeling- I really am angry at myself and this afternoon was the first time I felt loss. That scared me. I have written down 'you were a mistress and he is a cheater " to remind myself it was all a disgrace a lie not different or special from any other cheaters. Therapy again tomorrow. I must hate myself and just be so disrespectful to have done this. Awful. It seems that the OW nearly always gets the names and the blame, the MM rarely gets named as a baddie, the wife seems to always forgive, the men's friends seem to almost congratulate them, OW is left with the loss and knowledge she hurt people, BW is so hurt, but MM seems to still get away pretty unharmed. It's all mad. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 9, 2015 Share Posted July 9, 2015 Not in our case. It's been 2.5 years and we are still healing. He's thrown up more times than I can count when facing what he's done. He got carried away with self medicating. It's been messy and brutal on him. I think the only ones that get out unscathed are the ones that don't have remorse or who truly don't give a crap about anyone but them. He's been where you are now and it sucks. Hang in there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 9, 2015 Author Share Posted July 9, 2015 Not in our case. It's been 2.5 years and we are still healing. He's thrown up more times than I can count when facing what he's done. He got carried away with self medicating. It's been messy and brutal on him. I think the only ones that get out unscathed are the ones that don't have remorse or who truly don't give a crap about anyone but them. He's been where you are now and it sucks. Hang in there. Thank you very much for your response. I think you might have the exception to the rule and I'm sorry someone like me hurt you in this way. May I ask what influenced your decision to stay in the marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 10, 2015 Share Posted July 10, 2015 In a nutshell, I love and believe in him. Of course there are other factors, but in the end it's kind of that simple. That's how I feel when people make this excuse or that one on why they can't either end their marriage to be with AP or reconcile. At some point it becomes, do you love them enough. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 10, 2015 Author Share Posted July 10, 2015 In a nutshell, I love and believe in him. Of course there are other factors, but in the end it's kind of that simple. That's how I feel when people make this excuse or that one on why they can't either end their marriage to be with AP or reconcile. At some point it becomes, do you love them enough. Thanks for your response. You are a strong lady and I appreciate you sharing. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts