Bobbi7 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 I have plans to meet up with this guy for a drink this week, he lives 20 minutes away, and wants to meet at bar near his place-I would have to make that 20 minute drive. Or should I suggest we meet up halfway, so that he will at least make a 10 minute drive? And its a guy that I've been talking to on OLD, so no, I don't want him to pick me up.
Auspecial Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 I think that sounds very reasonable. Its hard to find something to argue about something that is equitable.
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 Have you already agreed on a place to meet? If so, don't change it. Either way, I would just go with his selection. Twenty minutes is really nothing. There's no need to have a power struggle over this. Ten minutes vs. twenty minutes? Honestly, there are more important issues in early dating. 1
Author Bobbi7 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 Have you already agreed on a place to meet? If so, don't change it. Either way, I would just go with his selection. Twenty minutes is really nothing. There's no need to have a power struggle over this. Ten minutes vs. twenty minutes? Honestly, there are more important issues in early dating. No, we haven't decided yet, he just suggested bars close to where he lives. I haven't responded to his message yet.
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 You learn a lot from a guy's choices and seeing him in his own social setting. Plus you might discover a cool new place. It's really just ten minutes difference. But that's your call. Do whatever makes you more comfortable. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 In a lot of social circles, "meeting for a drink" can be code for casual sex. So if he gets you to meet at a bar closer to him, it's easier for him to get you back to his place. But on a side note, wanting a half way point for a 20 min drive seems silly. A half way point is what you do if someone lives like 45 minutes plus away from you. 1
angel.eyes Posted July 5, 2015 Posted July 5, 2015 In a lot of social circles, "meeting for a drink" can be code for casual sex. So if he gets you to meet at a bar closer to him, it's easier for him to get you back to his place. Agreed. Like I said, you can learn a lot about a guy (including his true intentions) when you go with his choice. Personally, I'm not interested in dating guys who are looking for casual sex. The sooner I can weed out those guys the better. Give them rope and see what they do with it. He's picked a bar rather than something else. That's one data point. You'll get a lot more if you go with his choice. I don't think I've ever changed a guy's first date suggestion. No regrets on that front.
Author Bobbi7 Posted July 5, 2015 Author Posted July 5, 2015 In a lot of social circles, "meeting for a drink" can be code for casual sex. So if he gets you to meet at a bar closer to him, it's easier for him to get you back to his place. But on a side note, wanting a half way point for a 20 min drive seems silly. A half way point is what you do if someone lives like 45 minutes plus away from you. Yeah, the whole thing about him saying to meet for a drink "near" his place was kind of a red flag. I mean, he certainly didn't ask me what part of the city where I lived at. As far as hooking up goes-I would need to feel his vibe and demeanor. I'll see how the evening goes.
Author Bobbi7 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 Well today we confirmed a place to meet and its a 30 minute drive! Should I still suggest meeting halfway? Sounds ridiculous! He's the guy she should at least drive up.
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 It's one drink. For the amount of angst you put in, it's not worth it. Since you have already agreed to this, go. Otherwise you are not a nice person by canceling at the last minute or trying to change the plans. The time to object was when he suggested the place. At that point it would have been fine to suggest an alternative closer to you. You failed to do that & therefore can't complain now. 1
BluEyeL Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I'd be weary that "meeting for a drink" near his place could be done so he can later say "I live just around the corner" and try to sleep with you. Personally, I ALWAYS got guys to come my way. I never went to their areas at the first date. If they didn't agree, too bad so sad. I got a great boyfriend this way, not a ****ty one. I would say "what about X place?". No other explanation. leave it at that. 3
Timshel Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 You could suggest something more comfortable for you, especially since you will have a drink? I probably sound like a fuddy duddy but watch your drink! Even if its non- alcoholic. I know, paranoid. 1
Author Bobbi7 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Posted July 6, 2015 It's one drink. For the amount of angst you put in, it's not worth it. Since you have already agreed to this, go. Otherwise you are not a nice person by canceling at the last minute or trying to change the plans. The time to object was when he suggested the place. At that point it would have been fine to suggest an alternative closer to you. You failed to do that & therefore can't complain now. He still said let me know. In the past, guys would drive up close to where I live for a drink.
BluEyeL Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Now I remember once instance when one guy gave me grief about why do I want him to come my way, he doesn't want to. And that's exactly what I told him "too bad, so sad for you" 1
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 He still said let me know. In the past, guys would drive up close to where I live for a drink. If he left it open like that call him back. Pick a place closer to you & be done with it. All this dithering is getting you nowhere. the fact that other guys in the past have done something does not mean this new guy that you just met & who doesn't know you, has the foggiest clue as to what you expect. Speak up. Tell him you want to go to a different bar. Sitting back, not speaking up for yourself & then being annoyed because he didn't do what you wanted (which he does not know you wanted) is highly unfair & immature. Communicate for heaven's sake! 1
d0nnivain Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Either he's not a nice guy or has an ulterior motive. He could just like the place he picked.
Mrin Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Wow. Some serious paranoia going on here. It isn't like he invited her to take a stroll in a deserted forest at night. I'd just go meet him at the place he selected and you agreed to. It is a 30 minute drive. Not the end of the world and it gives you a chance to try on the drive and see him in his surroundings. If the date goes well, tell him next time will be in you neck of the woods. 1
Gary S Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I would always pick a place close to the lady, I would not want to make her drive far for a first date. It's called being a gentleman. 6
candie13 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 you get to set the tone of the dynamic since the very beginning. If your intuition is saying red flags, make him chase you for the hell of it. Really. that's why we all have an intuition. Listen to it. It is the first date. He is supposed to make efforts. Chances are he'll try to get into your knickers, won't succeed and you'll never hear from him again. Nope. that is not nice. If I were you, I'd say you have a business appointment in your side of the city, would change the bar closer to your area and move the date later. Test his interest level. If he bails out, you didn't lose much, you've actually gained your evening. cheers 3
Versacehottie Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 I would always pick a place close to the lady, I would not want to make her drive far for a first date. It's called being a gentleman. Wow, Gary I agree with you on this:bunny: Not everyone's hyper-cogizant of this and he "may" have a place in mind to take her or not too imaginative--that's why candie13's suggestion is a good one. As long as OP is not acting neurotic, just cool and "by the way"ish, she can test him by suggesting she has something that's going later nearer to her place and would he mind coming near her. She should suggest the bar since he may not know her area well and she is changing last minute. I don't know if I'd go as far as OP's date is trying to get her back to his place (she can always refuse btw so it's not a sure strategy); however, it speaks to a general laziness, lack of manners or cluelessness about manners. The laziness would bother me because it speaks to his real intentions with this date. Seems casual or looking for a hookup, if not this date in the very near future. Even if it's innocent laziness (not really hookup intentions only), speaks to "if this is his best then what" and/or cynical about dating. All of which are not attractive. Test him.
Vintage79 Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Well today we confirmed a place to meet and its a 30 minute drive! Should I still suggest meeting halfway? Sounds ridiculous! He's the guy she should at least drive up. Why exactly does he need to drive up because he's the guy? Do you not have a car? Do you require that you male coworkers pick you up and drive you to work? Don't be ridiculous. If you didn't want a 30 minute drive, you shouldn't have confirmed it with him. You basically failed on this one (this one's on you, now deal with it) - you should have told him the area where you live, and that something between you and him was preferred and then let him pick (or make a suggestion yourself).
Auspecial Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 You could suggest something more comfortable for you, especially since you will have a drink? I probably sound like a fuddy duddy but watch your drink! Even if its non- alcoholic. I know, paranoid. This isn't paranoid! It happens all the time. I have had my drink spiked twice. I knew what to watch for so nothing bad came as a result, but it made me mad at the arrogance of these two people, and if it ever happens again, I will get a blood test and press charges. 1
Perrier Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 The only benefit i see about you going to the man's area is that you see the type of locale he's in and how he conducts himself, maybe bumps into people he knows, his interactions etc. The downside is I see 30 mins drive as too long for a lady to do on the first date (if it is to meet in the man's area as opposed to meeting halfway). When a man suggests meeting in his area for a first date I think 'lazy,' and 'other motives.' Usually 'lazy.' 1
mightycpa Posted July 6, 2015 Posted July 6, 2015 Well today we confirmed a place to meet and its a 30 minute drive! Should I still suggest meeting halfway? Sounds ridiculous! He's the guy she should at least drive up.I think you should probably explain to him that you're the kind of girl who doesn't like to drive 20 minutes, much less 30 minutes, and that you actually sought advice to see if maybe you should suggest that he change the venue, so that your drive time could be cut down to something you can work with, like 10 minutes. The reason that I suggest that is because I would want to know that about you sooner, rather than later. For you, you probably need to filter out guys like me, where considerations of equity and convenience starts somewhere well after the 20 minute mark. Like you might want to find a guy who is much closer, if that extra 10 minutes is really a big enough deal for you to go seek advice about it. I suppose a lot depends on how many miles that extra 10 minutes represents, or whether you cross any geographical or political boundaries, like rivers or mountains or states or even entire towns. Like for me, it could take 20 minutes to go 5 miles at the right time of day. Whatever the lay of the land is in your area, he ought to be familiar with it. This is not to say you're wrong to think this way, but rather that you probably should understand up front that you've already identified a probable difference in what each of you thinks of as "local" and "convenient". Take the post by BluEyeL, for example. She knows that a guy who suggests a place near where he lives, is potentially a user and ****ty boyfriend material. Assuming that her advice is based on personal experience, she tests for that by seeing how flexible he is to accommodate her preferences to change the venue. You may agree or disagree with her entire premise, but she is ClearEyedL enough to know what she likes and doesn't like, and ultimately, that's the real key to happiness, both yours and his. So do both of you a favor and let him know, either when you see him, or beforehand. For all you know, he might be a lot like you, and he'd rather stay within 5-10 minutes of where he lives, he was perfectly willing to foist the burden of travel on you, and it's actually something you have in common. You never know.
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