He felt smothered and now says he doesn't believe in monogamy anymore

[infiniteQuest]

Breaking NC is kinda like a drug, you may get some relief, but it's temporary. And, getting a half-apology is worse than no apology. That being said, why would someone apologize anyway if they weren't happy in the relationship? I mean, you don't apologize for that. The relationship wasn't working for whatever reason(s) for either party really. There is no such thing as one person being totally happy and the other not. When one party is unhappy and the other one "thinks" they are, they've been operating on auto-pilot, which is why you can't believe he's always been like that.

He was apologizing for breaking my heart, and the relationship by sleeping with someone else when I was trying to work things out and told him not to do it. He obviously wants to keep me in his life for his own selfish reasons. But the horrifying part is that, despite having some level of understanding that he has caused me a lot of pain, by the same token, he still insists that by sleeping with his person he was just "being himself" and that I'm a bad person for rejecting him when he was honest about the way he wanted things to be. Then there's also his wonderful theory that the reason he did this was because he was afraid that there was something he could do that would make me hate him, and that he wanted to prove he was wrong. Apparently he now realized how stupid of an idea it was because it ruined everything. These two statements put together are some of the weirdest drivel I've ever been privy to. I just reeks of deeply buried issues, self-entitlement and manipulation.

 

I'm just so incredulous that this is the guy I was dating. But, it kind of sheds light into why our level of closeness had not progressed as much as it should have by the 3-year mark. You can't be close to somebody when you're that schizo.

 

 

And, since he's apologizing at all, it means he thinks he had "control" over you and your happiness. If he thinks that way, he either got the sense that you were completely dependent on him for your happiness or he is narcissist/selfish and controlling anyway. "which given how selfish he is I don't even know whether it was sincere".

 

Yeah, he was controlling, but yes I also let on in many ways during our relationship that I was dependent on him. I do like being dependent on a man to a certain extent, but with this break up I'm working on figuring out what the right balance of dependent/attached vs independent is for me. I probably fooled myself too in many ways by playing the dependent game even though I didn't have to, because I wanted to keep his attention focused on me. It worked for us for a while but I think I may have overdone it and gotten lost along the way.

 

Reinstate NC and get focused on YOU and not reflecting on the relationship.Get centered and move on with your life as an independent, secure, strong woman in her own right. A woman doesn't need a man to make her happy. A man should only enhance the happiness a woman already has for herself, not bring all of it to her.

 

Thanks, I get the NC and focus on myself part. I'm doing much better now than 3 weeks ago, and am blessed to have some really good people in my life who have helped my self-confidence see the light of day again. I just feel like I need to vent about this moron some more that's all, and it's not really coming from a place of intense emotional turmoil anymore.

[Redhead14]

He was apologizing for breaking my heart, and the relationship by sleeping with someone else when I was trying to work things out and told him not to do it. He obviously wants to keep me in his life for his own selfish reasons. But the horrifying part is that, despite having some level of understanding that he has caused me a lot of pain, by the same token, he still insists that by sleeping with his person he was just "being himself" and that I'm a bad person for rejecting him when he was honest about the way he wanted things to be. Then there's also his wonderful theory that the reason he did this was because he was afraid that there was something he could do that would make me hate him, and that he wanted to prove he was wrong. Apparently he now realized how stupid of an idea it was because it ruined everything. These two statements put together are some of the weirdest drivel I've ever been privy to. I just reeks of deeply buried issues, self-entitlement and manipulation.

 

I'm just so incredulous that this is the guy I was dating. But, it kind of sheds light into why our level of closeness had not progressed as much as it should have by the 3-year mark. You can't be close to somebody when you're that schizo.

 

 

 

 

Yeah, he was controlling, but yes I also let on in many ways during our relationship that I was dependent on him. I do like being dependent on a man to a certain extent, but with this break up I'm working on figuring out what the right balance of dependent/attached vs independent is for me. I probably fooled myself too in many ways by playing the dependent game even though I didn't have to, because I wanted to keep his attention focused on me. It worked for us for a while but I think I may have overdone it and gotten lost along the way.

 

 

 

Thanks, I get the NC and focus on myself part. I'm doing much better now than 3 weeks ago, and am blessed to have some really good people in my life who have helped my self-confidence see the light of day again. I just feel like I need to vent about this moron some more that's all, and it's not really coming from a place of intense emotional turmoil anymore.

 

I just feel like I need to vent about this moron some more that's all, and it's not really coming from a place of intense emotional turmoil anymore

I'm doing much better now than 3 weeks ago,

 

Venting is good up to a point. Now that you realize you are feeling better, I would advise against venting here anymore. The more you vent here the more you will be triggered by comments and view points. It's important to process what's already been addressed. If you feel the need to get more of your "own" stuff out, you should start a journal.

 

Once you get to places or times when you are feeling at peace with it, keep moving. When it builds up again, do that in your own space as much as possible.

[infiniteQuest]

There are many threads on this forum whose sole purpose is to vent, and they are generally welcomed. Respectfully, if you don't feel like reading this, you really don't have to, but I wouldn't mind continuing the discussion with whoever is interested.

[Redhead14]

There are many threads on this forum whose sole purpose is to vent, and they are generally welcomed. Respectfully, if you don't feel like reading this, you really don't have to, but I wouldn't mind continuing the discussion with whoever is interested.

 

I only recommended that with valid, sound reasoning for it. I didn't say it's not welcomed. You are, very much welcome here for that purpose, if you so desire. I will not contribute though. I've given my advice and it is up to you whether you want to heed it or not. All the best to you in your journey of recovery

[infiniteQuest]

Thank you

[infiniteQuest]

My ex has been bombarding me with messages lately.. Long, long-winded novels about how I don't understand his reasons for sleeping with another girl. How I'm still so very important in his life, that he understands that I am hurt, that he still cares about me a lot, and how he just wants to sit down with me and have a normal conversation. He apparently can't believe that I cut him out of my life completely for doing this, since we were "so close". I told him that I was so put off by the way he ended things, that I didn't want to know him anymore. I was very cold and aside from the 1 day where I was open to speaking to him via text messages (which ended up being a very resentful and angry back and forth), I pretty much shut him down.

 

Now all this crap is casting doubt in my mind. I mean, I've cut people out of my life for a few years before, and then got back in touch with them and ended up having second thoughts about not speaking for so long. This on the other hand, I don't know. On one hand, yes, he is by all accounts a great, albeit very selfish person in general. On the other hand, it's *because* we were so close, and he hurt me so badly, that I cut him off. Please tell me I won't regret my decision by doing this?

[Qboro90]

Why the heck are you letting him make you feel guilty about HIM CHEATING ON YOU!?.... It does not matter what the hell he tells you his reasons were. The fact is that you do not cheat on the person you're with.

 

The only reason he wants to talk to you and have a "mature conversation" is so that he can flip it around and make it sound like YOU are the reason he cheated and the things you did drove him to infidelity. DO NOT fall for this!!!it is complete bs. He got caught and he is going to try and pull at your own insecurities and feelings for him and trick you into thinking you did something that made him feel "unloved" or "distant" etc and that's why he started looking elsewhere to get what was lacking with you. Trust me when I tell you that it's all a ploy.

 

He may very well be sorry, and he may very well care about you but any girl who respects herself would do the same thing you did. Break up with someone if they cheat on you. Doesn't matter if he's the love of your life. He cheated and broke that trust. If you give in now and allow him back into your life even as friends or a communication line is opened that's all the opening he's looking for to get his hooks back in you. We both know that if you start talking to him again, eventually you will end up going back out with him. So all his punishment and consequences really were, was a pissed off gf who broke up with him for a few weeks then if he apologizes enough and promises it'll never happen again, will give him another chance.

 

It sucks I know but you're doing the right thing. You are not the one who has to worry about regrets. He is the one who will be filled with regret for cheating on a great gf and losing her. That's his burden, NOT yours.

 

Tell him if he wants to show you he's changing and respects you than he will respect your need and request for space and no contact. If he keeps pushing then you know that he's just doing it to wear you down and get what he wants... Not what you deserve.

[aloneinaz]

My ex has been bombarding me with messages lately.. Long, long-winded novels about how I don't understand his reasons for sleeping with another girl. How I'm still so very important in his life, that he understands that I am hurt, that he still cares about me a lot, and how he just wants to sit down with me and have a normal conversation. He apparently can't believe that I cut him out of my life completely for doing this, since we were "so close". I told him that I was so put off by the way he ended things, that I didn't want to know him anymore. I was very cold and aside from the 1 day where I was open to speaking to him via text messages (which ended up being a very resentful and angry back and forth), I pretty much shut him down.

 

Now all this crap is casting doubt in my mind. I mean, I've cut people out of my life for a few years before, and then got back in touch with them and ended up having second thoughts about not speaking for so long. This on the other hand, I don't know. On one hand, yes, he is by all accounts a great, albeit very selfish person in general. On the other hand, it's *because* we were so close, and he hurt me so badly, that I cut him off. Please tell me I won't regret my decision by doing this?

 

 

My suggestion is to re-read your original posts about this. You described a very un-healthy, dysfunctional and toxic relationship. You admitted to some of your mistakes in the relationship. I'm sure he wasn't perfect either.

 

 

This whole thing further blew up when he told you he wanted to go out and sleep w/other women. Who does that or says that to someone they're deeply in love with? Was he ok w/you going out and getting pounded by a different guy? Is this what you want out of a partner? Someone who's not satisfied w/a monogamous relationship? He may "love" you on some level but he's NOT in love with you. I LOVE my GF. The thought of her being touched by another guy would make me go postal!

 

 

He sounds pretty selfish to say the least. Now, he's contacting you again because he want's his cake and eat it too. Maybe he's convinced that he can "sell" you on what HE wants? Maybe he's contacting you because he's in a dry spell and wants to get laid.

 

 

Think about this rationally with your brain and not your heart. This is not a guy that you can be with in a healthy relationship. He's simply not it and you have to know it.

 

 

Stay NC and heal from this person. When you're past the emotion of it all, you start thinking clearly again and be so glad he's not in your life anymore.

[foolinlove79]

I so admire you for ending it. More people should be strong when treat them badly.

[jaskiegs]

I get a lot of flack around these parts because I believe in giving reconciliation a try if that is what both parties want, even given infidelity and other relationship killers. Communication is key. And, you're right, you could regret it years from now.

 

But based on the little I know from reading your story, I would say that you are being sucked back in by a manipulative person...I don't mean consciously manipulative...perhaps he is, I don't know. But subconsciously, we humans manipulate each other to reduce our own pain and increase our own pleasure. He want to not feel guilty by splaining to you why he cheated.

 

If he wanted to make it work, he'd tell you how he did everything wrong and you'd be crazy to even speak to him again but that if you did, he'd like to go to counseling so that he can fix himself (and you as well).

 

Don't feel guilty about feeling hurt. It's not your fault.

[Chi townD]

Okay, re-read what you just wrote. HE'S TRYING TO JUSTIFY TO YOU ON WHY HE SLEPT WITH ANOTHER GIRL?!?!? There's is no justification for that!

 

 

He gave himself to another girl that was supposed to be exclusively for you. Period! He threw away any chances of reconciliation and even friendship with his actions. If you were so important in his life, then he wouldn't even consider sleeping with someone else to jeopardize that!

 

 

You need to do right by you. He made his bed, he can sleep in it. You need to focus on you and your healing. If at a time when you get to a point that you're indifferent towards him, then maybe you can entertain a friendship, but you have a long way to go in your healing.

[RocketQueen]

Hi, well done on having the strength to walk away.

 

The line where you said "he can't believe I would cut him out after we were so close" shows how his mind works (that and the fact he cheated). You cutting him out is absolutely shocking to him, there is no taking into account his actions that led you there or the heartache it caused.

 

Im not a NC preacher, I believe in second chances for the most part, but know myself, regardless of how many seeds of doubt a cheater plants I would not give a second chance, he had plenty of times to reconsider cheating in the various states of undress that led to him sleeping with someone else.

 

Move on. Let him stew in his own regret.

[infiniteQuest]

I get a lot of flack around these parts because I believe in giving reconciliation a try if that is what both parties want, even given infidelity and other relationship killers. Communication is key. And, you're right, you could regret it years from now.

 

But based on the little I know from reading your story, I would say that you are being sucked back in by a manipulative person...I don't mean consciously manipulative...perhaps he is, I don't know. But subconsciously, we humans manipulate each other to reduce our own pain and increase our own pleasure. He want to not feel guilty by splaining to you why he cheated.

 

If he wanted to make it work, he'd tell you how he did everything wrong and you'd be crazy to even speak to him again but that if you did, he'd like to go to counseling so that he can fix himself (and you as well).

 

Don't feel guilty about feeling hurt. It's not your fault.

 

Yeah I believe in reconciliation too. I routinely have people who come in and out of my life, and that's how you can tell that a bond is strong, is when you can spend 3 years apart for whatever reason, and then pick up where you left off.

 

This is why I take the NC advice with a grain of salt (provided I've had time to recover and that it doesn't deal a huge blow to my emotional state).

 

Yeah I agree with you I also think his behaviour is childish and manipulative. I feel like he is only sorry to the extent that it means that I might be back in his life.

[infiniteQuest]

Hi, well done on having the strength to walk away.

 

The line where you said "he can't believe I would cut him out after we were so close" shows how his mind works (that and the fact he cheated). You cutting him out is absolutely shocking to him, there is no taking into account his actions that led you there or the heartache it caused.

 

Im not a NC preacher, I believe in second chances for the most part, but know myself, regardless of how many seeds of doubt a cheater plants I would not give a second chance, he had plenty of times to reconsider cheating in the various states of undress that led to him sleeping with someone else.

 

Move on. Let him stew in his own regret.

 

Love this post, thank you!