Author Popsicle Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 Yes, you are right. As to why the significant trust, that's a good question. For me, at the time I really thought it would be a long term relationship, and was willing to invest the trust, and a lot of other things. I understand. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 No it's just nothing to be proud of and they know it's wrong. Not to mention MM tend to just get skewered here if they do post. OW pile on because they're pissed at their own MM and BW pile on because they are pissed at their own husbands. MM posting here is like crawling into a pit of vipers (no offense to vipers). 9 Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Not to mention MM tend to just get skewered here if they do post. OW pile on because they're pissed at their own MM and BW pile on because they are pissed at their own husbands. MM posting here is like crawling into a pit of vipers (no offense to vipers). I don't see that- what I see is those that post without remorse or intent to change-that rub the noses of others in their " I know its wrong, but I just can not/will not stop" of either gender or part of the triangle being taken to task- In that case, who exactly is the viper? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HappyAgain2014 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 No it's just nothing to be proud of and they know it's wrong. I agree. MM don't want anyone to ruin their fantasy while OW actively seek justification on these boards. Some shred of hope that their affair is different. I'm not knocking anyone. When I came here as an OW, I continually told myself how different my affair and MM were. Different players, same story. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 No it's just nothing to be proud of and they know it's wrong. True , but in addition to the fact that it's nothing to be proud of, they're too busy enjoying it all. OW aren't overly proud of it , but they post because: MM isn't leaving wifey They get the push pull They are fed up of being let down etc OW aren't posting here, saying "I'm having an A it's going great " When I read the posts of WHs on other forums , they talk when they get busted and want to reconcile. They sing like canaries at that point. That's where you can tell what they think about the OW. The ones who are unremorseful wouldn't waste a second of their time posting on forums . 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 True , but in addition to the fact that it's nothing to be proud of, they're too busy enjoying it all. OW aren't overly proud of it , but they post because: MM isn't leaving wifey They get the push pull They are fed up of being let down etc OW aren't posting here, saying "I'm having an A it's going great " When I read the posts of WHs on other forums , they talk when they get busted and want to reconcile. They sing like canaries at that point. That's where you can tell what they think about the OW. The ones who are unremorseful wouldn't waste a second of their time posting on forums . When MM and MW feel they are in the wrong they don't post much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bentleychic Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't see that- what I see is those that post without remorse or intent to change-that rub the noses of others in their " I know its wrong, but I just can not/will not stop" of either gender or part of the triangle being taken to task- In that case, who exactly is the viper? I will say that I used to be very apologetic, remorseful, etc. here and tried to be very understanding and nice. I STILL feel that way, but over time a lot of the nasty responses, bitterness and meanness HERE caused me not to be that way on the boards any more. It's not that I no longer feel apologetic, remorseful or regret the situation that we've put ourselves in, but letting that out HERE is like exposing an open wound for the school house bully to pour salt in to. That's why I very rarely get personal here any more. Which is a shame b/c I COULD be more of a support to those that need it...if it weren't for the bullies. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I don't see that- what I see is those that post without remorse or intent to change-that rub the noses of others in their " I know its wrong, but I just can not/will not stop" of either gender or part of the triangle being taken to task- In that case, who exactly is the viper? I have to agree with this statement. It's like they cannot see the forest for the trees. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 When MM and MW feel they are in the wrong they don't post much. Which is a sad because those are the one's who could really use the help. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 In my mother's case, MM was the sort of guy whose planning horizon was his next drink. At least, that's how she described it at the time. So worrying about consequences was the farthest thing from his mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 True , but in addition to the fact that it's nothing to be proud of, they're too busy enjoying it all. OW aren't overly proud of it , but they post because: MM isn't leaving wifey They get the push pull They are fed up of being let down etc OW aren't posting here, saying "I'm having an A it's going great " When I read the posts of WHs on other forums , they talk when they get busted and want to reconcile. They sing like canaries at that point. That's where you can tell what they think about the OW. The ones who are unremorseful wouldn't waste a second of their time posting on forums . You make some good points, but there are "different" affairs, and for different reasons. There are OW that are proud or happy with their relationship... mine was. And I was leaving my wife, and did, and was in the making way before the OW was in the picture. I did not let my OW down, I treated her just fine, but we did have our disagreements, like any couple. I never got "busted", because I told my wife I was looking for a GF long before the affair. We didn't hide, but didn't broadcast it either. Mine was an EA for over a year before we got close primarily because we were looking primarily for support for each other but was easy to fall in love, but that's probably more serious than a PA. But we ended up apart because of a major stumbling block that we couldn't solve. There are many, many OW/OM relationships that have lasted for a long time and still going strong. One, item, however, is being honest with all parties... which can be a challenge, especially if you want the person to know, but not hurt them. The questions begs... would you have your affair again if you had the chance to do so? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 7, 2015 Author Share Posted July 7, 2015 You make some good points, but there are "different" affairs, and for different reasons. There are OW that are proud or happy with their relationship... mine was. And I was leaving my wife, and did, and was in the making way before the OW was in the picture. I did not let my OW down, I treated her just fine, but we did have our disagreements, like any couple. I never got "busted", because I told my wife I was looking for a GF long before the affair. We didn't hide, but didn't broadcast it either. Mine was an EA for over a year before we got close primarily because we were looking primarily for support for each other but was easy to fall in love, but that's probably more serious than a PA. But we ended up apart because of a major stumbling block that we couldn't solve. There are many, many OW/OM relationships that have lasted for a long time and still going strong. One, item, however, is being honest with all parties... which can be a challenge, especially if you want the person to know, but not hurt them. The questions begs... would you have your affair again if you had the chance to do so? From the OW standpoint What makes this seem disingenuous is the fact that you went back to your wife. Considering that it just seems like you had a little vaca. Link to post Share on other sites
Hope Shimmers Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 (edited) One, item, however, is being honest with all parties... which can be a challenge, especially if you want the person to know, but not hurt them. Just curious - did you tell your OW from the beginning that you were not going to leave your wife? The questions begs... would you have your affair again if you had the chance to do so? Hell no. IME "being honest with all parties" just doesn't happen. I have heard this before in my situations but have irrefutable proof that this wasn't the case, not for either me or the BS. It's a fantasy, something that the man wants to believe or convince others is true. As for what makes the MM trust the single OW... the closeness of our relationship was one thing. We had been together in a 'legitimate' relationship for several years before that, so maybe it is slightly different than other situations. At that point he basically had to trust me. And ex-MM's now ex-wife still doesn't know about the baby. I haven't told her. Edited July 7, 2015 by Hope Shimmers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Which is a sad because those are the one's who could really use the help. They don't want help though and they don't think they need help. They've justified their affairs and won't hear otherwise. I think this is especially the case when both APs are married. They have the same risk, they have the same home comforts and the affair is a relief from it all. They are happy with spouse and AP. The only help they look up online is how not to get caught. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 From the OW standpoint What makes this seem disingenuous is the fact that you went back to your wife. Considering that it just seems like you had a little vaca. Well, that certainly wasn't in the plan. I had NEVER thought that I'd be back with her.... not a chance in the world. I was more concerned that she would go down hill fast. I never hated her, I cared. I don't burn bridges. We always remained "friendly".... didn't fight much with the divorce, I laid it on the table and told her to choose. I had no intention of going back, but would honor the commitment of the divorce agreement, which I did. There was no vaca..... However, the ex wife changed dramatically... not a little bit, but dramatically. She totally turned her life around, got healthy, got her mind straight and solved her problems. I was still afraid that she would fall back to her old habits long after, but she didn't. I would have clearly stayed with the OW if we had any chance at all, but just wasn't in the cards. We had one major problem that just couldn't be solved. So be it. I did not leave the OW for the ex wife... I left because there was no long term future. I really thought I'd be back in the dating world. You never know how things turn out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 Just curious - did you tell your OW from the beginning that you were not going to leave your wife? Hell no. IME "being honest with all parties" just doesn't happen. I have heard this before in my situations but have irrefutable proof that this wasn't the case, not for either me or the BS. It's a fantasy, something that the man wants to believe or convince others is true. As for what makes the MM trust the single OW... the closeness of our relationship was one thing. We had been together in a 'legitimate' relationship for several years before that, so maybe it is slightly different than other situations. At that point he basically had to trust me. And ex-MM's now ex-wife still doesn't know about the baby. I haven't told her. Hope, The OW knew I was leaving my wife long before we she became the OW. I had no intention of going back to her or I would have never left. It's difficult to be totally honest with all parties, but I tried. My wife knew there would be an OW before I knew what one was. I told her. I also told her who it was when it happened. She didn't care. Sure there were issues. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Well, that certainly wasn't in the plan. I had NEVER thought that I'd be back with her.... not a chance in the world. I was more concerned that she would go down hill fast. I never hated her, I cared. I don't burn bridges. We always remained "friendly".... didn't fight much with the divorce, I laid it on the table and told her to choose. I had no intention of going back, but would honor the commitment of the divorce agreement, which I did. There was no vaca..... However, the ex wife changed dramatically... not a little bit, but dramatically. She totally turned her life around, got healthy, got her mind straight and solved her problems. I was still afraid that she would fall back to her old habits long after, but she didn't. I would have clearly stayed with the OW if we had any chance at all, but just wasn't in the cards. We had one major problem that just couldn't be solved. So be it. I did not leave the OW for the ex wife... I left because there was no long term future. I really thought I'd be back in the dating world. You never know how things turn out. There is no doubt in my mind that MP's are confused for various reasons and their actions (even words) indicate this. This is why someone has to be the clearheaded one, and I choose to be that person and end an A. It would make things better/easier on everyone involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 The vast amount of MM are users and see no need for a forum like this . They're way to busy leading a double life with Lord knows how many OW to give a damn. It's women getting played over and over. MM has wife and family and single OW is his loyal extra. Oh, the power they must feel having two women satisfy their every need. Great job if you can get it as we say in England. Really? Because that is not the feedback I have heard from men who have been in affairs. And you do know there are a fair share of single OM in affairs as well, right? As well a very large percentage of both married OW with OM. But yes, let's trot out the stereotype of the evil MM twisting his mustache and having a harem of women out of his destruction and disposal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 It's mostly women who make posts on forums about anything to do with relationships. I have ask countless questions directly to men about various different topics and without fail, the women will pile up in the thread answering the question for men. I have accepted that's just how it is but in this thread, I don't mind it. Both genders can answer. Okay. But you are getting people's assumptions, perceptions or hearsay. If you truly want to know then you would/should go to the source. How can I, as a woman, know exactly why a man trusts the OW? Now if you are asking why does the MP trust the SOP then yes, both genders could speak to that if they were the married one. But something this specific . . . Sure I can tell you what my MM/husband said but since it seems to be general belief that MM only ever lie, how can we assume what I telling is factual? Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Which is a sad because those are the one's who could really use the help. Maybe they don't want help. And maybe that is why they don't post. As a married person in an affair, then single, and while my affair was active, I was a member here but I did NOT post here. It was a very hostile board, with piss poor moderating and unless I was lashing myself and wrenching the clothes off my body I was slammed hard. And I was not apologetic (enough to want to end it), I was not unhappy in my affair, and I was not looking to be told I was wrong, needed to end it, he was using me, etc. So I went to boards that were more regulated, that were safer for the OP to post, and I could be freer in my thoughts and feelings without being slammed for it. Did not mean it was to only drink the kool aide to having/continuing an affair but it wasn't saying that affairs were the devil's making. So why would I, as a happy OP in an affair, and at a time a married one, care to come here and discuss how I feel when I would be dodging hits at all times? How is that fun? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Maybe they don't want help. And maybe that is why they don't post. As a married person in an affair, then single, and while my affair was active, I was a member here but I did NOT post here. It was a very hostile board, with piss poor moderating and unless I was lashing myself and wrenching the clothes off my body I was slammed hard. And I was not apologetic (enough to want to end it), I was not unhappy in my affair, and I was not looking to be told I was wrong, needed to end it, he was using me, etc. So I went to boards that were more regulated, that were safer for the OP to post, and I could be freer in my thoughts and feelings without being slammed for it. Did not mean it was to only drink the kool aide to having/continuing an affair but it wasn't saying that affairs were the devil's making. So why would I, as a happy OP in an affair, and at a time a married one, care to come here and discuss how I feel when I would be dodging hits at all times? How is that fun? Well....it's fun for the people who are slinging arrows at you from their lofty heights. Your job is to just hold the target steady enough for them to take aim and fire (and hopefully hit you good). I'm pretty sure that's how it's supposed to work. Or is that dodgeball...? I forget. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Maybe they don't want help. And maybe that is why they don't post. As a married person in an affair, then single, and while my affair was active, I was a member here but I did NOT post here. It was a very hostile board, with piss poor moderating and unless I was lashing myself and wrenching the clothes off my body I was slammed hard. And I was not apologetic (enough to want to end it), I was not unhappy in my affair, and I was not looking to be told I was wrong, needed to end it, he was using me, etc. So I went to boards that were more regulated, that were safer for the OP to post, and I could be freer in my thoughts and feelings without being slammed for it. Did not mean it was to only drink the kool aide to having/continuing an affair but it wasn't saying that affairs were the devil's making. So why would I, as a happy OP in an affair, and at a time a married one, care to come here and discuss how I feel when I would be dodging hits at all times? How is that fun? Got it, Good post and a lot of truth to it. True, it's lousy to get slammed with inappropriate comments and people telling you how wrong you are instead of trying to offer help. Still get some of that on this forum, just got to ignore them. BTW, is it inappropriate to mention the other forums you've had success on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Popsicle Posted July 8, 2015 Author Share Posted July 8, 2015 Okay. But you are getting people's assumptions, perceptions or hearsay. If you truly want to know then you would/should go to the source. How can I, as a woman, know exactly why a man trusts the OW? Now if you are asking why does the MP trust the SOP then yes, both genders could speak to that if they were the married one. But something this specific . . . Sure I can tell you what my MM/husband said but since it seems to be general belief that MM only ever lie, how can we assume what I telling is factual? Fair point. It has been an interesting thread nonetheless. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 I don't think they are really thinking to be honest- there is a feeling of invincibility along with entitlement- our OW was married but there were red flags every place and when I asked him WTF he was thinking, he said- he really was not- in his mind he was king **** and who messes with king ****? Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 8, 2015 Share Posted July 8, 2015 Which is a sad because those are the one's who could really use the help. This may be true...but you couldn't PAY me enough to post on any forum if I was having an A...even if I needed/wanted help. Link to post Share on other sites
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