Scared, Hopeless,Depressed MM

[darkmoon]

try a slow fade-out from the SW, i can see dumping outright could incite her

[Raena]

I'm going to add in an agreement that you should tell your wife all. The moment you do that, you take the possibility for OW to do so away. There goes that threat.

 

Yes it could likely result in divorce, but that's the chances you take when you have an affair. Own it and then do the research for what to do to take steps to fix your marriage if your wife is willing.

[autumnnight]

Thanks for your advice, I am going to tell my AP that its done and their will be no more contact. Im sure she will go ballistic and threaten and everything else. I will explain to her that this has become a volatile relationship which does not benefit either one of us anymore. I will also apoligize for any hurt i may have caused her intended or unintended. I will also surrender to her and let her know that i do not wish anything bad upon her and even if she chooses to expose me in any fashion i will not attempt to hurt her in any way. I will also tell her that she may not realize it now but she will be better off without me cause i really dont want her to be alone forever.

 

I see a lot of careful handling of the woman who chose to help you commit adultery. What kind of care are you planning to show your wife?

[GoldieLox]

Also in the "tell your wife camp". You'll save your wife and yourself the embarrassment of the OW showing up somewhere and exposing you in front of friends and family (who knows if she will? She sounds a bit unstable). Not only this, but you *may* get a little bit of credit for going to your wife first and telling her, instead of her finding out from the third party.

[Buckeye2]

Women tend to care more about relationships and stability and men tend to care more about the sexual act. If you were a WW I would NOT give you the following advice but you are a WH.

 

Stress that it was only sex and was meant to remain that way. Keep reinforcing that you love her and your family and that their stability was never at risk. The OW broke the agreement and became attached.

 

When she wanted you to leave your family for her you never considered it for a second. Then she started to blackmail you by threatening to expose the affair.

[Bittersweetie]

I'll be another voice to suggest you make a confession to your wife.

 

It's the only way to have a truly intimate relationship with your wife over the long term; you'll never have that if you keep this wall between you forever.

 

As well, she deserves to be able to make an informed decision about staying with you; don't trick her into staying with you.

 

And lastly, if you want to diffuse the situation such that you don't have some dramatic surprise blow-up in front of the kids, then you're going to have to tackle this with your wife in advance.

 

The good news for you here is that statistically, a confession doubles your chances of reconciling with your wife over the long term compared to a discovery. And while this confession may be under duress, at least it is because you're definitively breaking it off with your AP.

 

Doesn't sound like something you want to do? You've painted yourself into a corner here, bud. It took 4 years. There's no good options now.

 

I'm a fWW who confessed to my H. We are reconciled, 5.5 years after d-day.

 

I am of the "tell your wife" camp, based on the two points bolded above.

 

What kind of relationship do you want with your wife? One that is honest and authentic? Because, if so, then there is no way you can move forward with this huge lie between you. It will be a wall.

 

Also, your wife deserves to make choices in her life moving forward based on the truth. She is now living a life where she thinks your relationship is one thing but it is another. Doesn't she deserve to make her own choices based on truth? Yes, that choice may result in divorce, but that is the consequences of the choices YOU made.

 

Like I said, I confessed. It was the most difficult, most painful thing I've ever done. But it was the right choice for both of us. I am thankful every day he gave me a second chance and thankful for all of the positives we have in our lives now.

 

As BH said, there aren't any good options anymore. So if you truly want to take the high road, own your actions not only to yourself but to your family.

[wizer]

I know. Its very difficult which i am sure everyone on this thread knows one way or another. 3 years of threatening to expose me, but why hasnt she.

 

Because the exposure is her only Ace. Once she plays that card she has no further control over you.

[Popsicle]

Thanks for your advice, I am going to tell my AP that its done and their will be no more contact. Im sure she will go ballistic and threaten and everything else. I will explain to her that this has become a volatile relationship which does not benefit either one of us anymore. I will also apoligize for any hurt i may have caused her intended or unintended. I will also surrender to her and let her know that i do not wish anything bad upon her and even if she chooses to expose me in any fashion i will not attempt to hurt her in any way. I will also tell her that she may not realize it now but she will be better off without me cause i really dont want her to be alone forever.

 

Thanks. It would be nice if you apologized and was kind (but firm) to her.

[wizer]

She knew i was a MM, knew i had children and i NEVER said i would leave and i dont think its right for her to threaten me to control me.

 

Well, you knew you were married, and it wasn't "right" for you to cheat on your wife. You can't have one rule for yourself and different rules for everyone else.

[HopelessMM]

Thanks. It would be nice if you apologized and was kind (but firm) to her.

 

i have always been kind in fact too kind i have always dealt with her with kid gloves because i did not want to upset her

[Satu]

Regardless of what your affair partner has done/will do, you blew it the moment you decided to cheat on your wife and live a lie.

 

Tell your wife what you've done and hope for forgiveness.

[AnotherSadSong]

i have always been kind in fact too kind i have always dealt with her with kid gloves because i did not want to upset her

 

I feel she should appreciate your kindness and the very fact you are being thoughtful. It is not callous in nature.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know NC is the way to go but i am so concerned about my young children being hurt (mentally) or traumatized in any way.

 

Funny how that didn't come to mind BEFORE getting involved in an affair.

 

You haven't mentioned your wife in this whole thing.

 

Sounds like she isn't your main concern anyway, why not just divorce?

[dreamingoftigers]

i have always been kind in fact too kind i have always dealt with her with kid gloves because i did not want to upset her

 

Conflict-avoidant. Google it.

 

Probably the exact same trait that got you having an affair instead of working out any issues that might have triggered you in your marriage.

 

Often MM use the excuse that they "don't want anyone to be upset" whether it be their wife, children, OW, or sometimes even their own parents! But the truth is, they are doing ridiculously upsetting things. Yet they "wish & hope" that everyone will just stay super-calm and not "freak out."

 

And "Why can't everyone just understand I have these needs and that I will use them in different ways because reasons."

 

"I don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers and I want everyone to still LIKE ME because I'M STILL A GOOD PERSON."

 

But your behaviour IS TRAUMATIC and DESPICABLE.

 

My father's adultery negatively affected me before it was even confirmed. I say confirmed because a long-term affair has already affected your family, even though you think you have hidden it well. I suspected my father before I ended up actually catching him. And not from me trying to BTW. Circumstances reveal this stuff most of the time. Most of the time it is something beyond your control.

 

The only way out of this is through. Total honesty. Accepting full responsibility for your choice to not be honest, and to use people. You obviously KNEW how invested your OW was as well. COME ON you are 37! With children! You know enough about how relationships work to get involved with two parallel ones. You can tell when someone is invested.

 

And on top of it all, on top of "just stepping out" you've involved yourself with a manipulative, unstable OW.

 

LOVE is an ACTION. Part of that action is PROTECTING YOUR FAMILY. Specifically against outside threats like unstable people, against the possibility of betrayal. You are supposed to have your wife's back NOT STAB IT.

 

Step One: Stop stabbing your wife in the back

Step Two: Show respect to your wife by coming clean to her. Yes, she will be UPSET. Often you MM fear your wife getting "angry" like "Mommy is going to spank you and send you to your room" but the truth is most wives are totally devastated and hurt. Own that shyte. Own it. Most importantly: GROW UP. Either she wants to divorce and let her go in peace. Or she wants to work it out, figure out if you are CAPABLE of doing so or INTERESTED ENOUGH. If so, get to work on it. Huge step.

Step Three: Remove the outside threat through any means reasonably necessary (i.e. don't kill anyone). Do it with your wife's full knowledge, whether or not she wants to divorce/separate from you.

Step Four: Make all necessary steps to live an authentic life to show your children redemption should they become fully aware of the circumstance.

 

My father's affair etc. had a very permanent effect on me........

 

AND I WAS IN MY 20S!

[Satu]

.. ^^^This^^^..

[Mr. Lucky]

i am so concerned about my young children being hurt (mentally) or traumatized in any way.

 

Do you mean by actually seeing you for what you are ???

 

Almost every WS puts forth the "let's keep it a secret so as not to hurt others" argument. Talk about a late closure of the barn door.

 

My friend, you most likely have two options:

 

1). Tell your wife

 

2). Have your wife hear it - possibly in dramatic fashion - from the OW

 

Which of those foretells a better chance of a possible positive marital outcome ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[No Limit]

The bio-clock of OW is ticking, and she has elected you to be her partner for life and kids of her own. And your clock is ticking too - at any point OW could tell your wife, and once she does it's game over. However, I also don't see any remorse coming from your posts, you're just bothered by OW. I also doubt you will ever tell your wife, so in the end your family will be ripped to shreds by you with a little help of a vengeful OW.

 

Please be fair in the divorce, and if you want any chance of having a healthy relationship to your kids be a good and responsible part-time father. Good luck.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Dude, where are your stones? Looks like OW has them.

 

You're giving her all the power and she has complete control. Take it back. Take her power away and sit your wife down and tell her kindly what you have been doing. Own up, be humble and remorseful and get in your knees and beg her to give you another chance. Book individual counselling for both of you beforehand to show her you will do everything to repair the mess you made.

 

But don't sit there passively with your balls in another woman's purse and expose your wife to the type of hellfire and TRAUMA the OW will put your wife and children through. Because she won't be gentle. She will be brutal and ugly and will go scorched earth on your entire family.

 

Time to man up and protect your family like you've failed to do the last 4 years. Stop being so passive and letting OW control the ending because she will take ALL of you down with her and your family does not deserve that. PROTECT THEM like you should have been the last 4 years.

 

This woman is certifiably unhinged, volatile and angry. There is no 'fading out'. Time to step up. Serious.

[I4givehim]

AP is single (SW= Single Woman) im 37 and she is 33. She feels that if we just end it, then it was all for nothing. I really could understand her threats to tell etc if she didnt know i was a MM to begin with, I also never told her i would get a divorce.

I would have had more respect for my husband if he had told me about the affair but instead he threw me under the bus. The OW sent me a letter with all the information and details of the affair. I might have thought about going to MC but now I look at him as he is NOT A MAN. A real man protects his wife and children. Tell your wife the truth. Don't let this women threaten you. Man up!!!

[privategal]

Ive never jumped on the bandwagon of confessing to the spouse. But Im afraid you may not have an option.

Id tell your wife.

Then I would tell your AP you have done so.

Be gracious and diplomatic and tell her youd like to end this peacefully and that you dont want to hurt her further but you are protecting your family.

This is spiraling.

You get one life.

Act on this...try and make it right before she harms someone.

[fllygirl]

Women tend to care more about relationships and stability and men tend to care more about the sexual act. If you were a WW I would NOT give you the following advice but you are a WH.

 

Stress that it was only sex and was meant to remain that way. Keep reinforcing that you love her and your family and that their stability was never at risk. The OW broke the agreement and became attached.

 

When she wanted you to leave your family for her you never considered it for a second. Then she started to blackmail you by threatening to expose the affair.

 

Bs could immediately question this logic. It was 4 years and not 4 weeks. It would be very clear there was more just sex. Plus, it could make her feel even worse that he would never confess if he had a "normal " OW.

[jnel921]

Be honest and tell your W. She would respect you more if you did.

 

I wish my H had done that. Instead he was dealing with a psycho like your SW and one day she called me at work to expose the situation and upset me. I wish I had heard it from my H's mouth. At that point I felt I could not trust him since he was unwilling to tell the truth even thought she threatened to tell me. It was a gamble because at first I wanted out of our M. But he was remorseful, crying and telling me what a big mistake he had made. He wasn't with her for as long as you. That could be a deal breaker. 3 years is a long time to live a double life.

 

Good Luck to you.

[Friskyone4u]

Seems like you have yourself in quite a box. If your OW is serious, and it sounds like it, your wife is going to find out one way or the other. And if you do not confess everything, it may happen right in front of your children.

 

No one can predict what your wifev will or will not do, but that is called consequences and sorry but it looks like you are not getting out of this choice YOU made without some consequences.

 

What you should do is sit your wife down and tell her everything, every detail. If you try to minimize it (it is called trickle truth), that in many cases is more harmful than the affair itself and every time your wife finds out a new detail or inconsistancy in your story it will set your relationship or what is left of it back immensely.

 

You have the option of hoping OW is all bluster but it does not sound like it. And living under the cloud of never knowing when the hammer will drop cannot be pleasant.

 

One thing you should not do is try to blame OW. You had the option of not putting your penis in her at any time and you chose to go back time and time again. You are the cause of your own problems. Time to man up and face the demons.

[whichwayisup]

I am MM who has been in an affair with a SW for 4 years. She knew i was a MM and we agreed to keep things physical and remain friends no matter what. The first few months were great but then feelings kicked in and in a moment of weakness i told her how i felt but never said, agreed to, or alluded to leaving my family. Thats when it went out of control. She said she was in love with me and i was with her. But at the point she started to go crazy and understanbly so.

 

We continued to fade away and all we have done is fight for 3 years. She wants out and so do I, but she says if she is getting out then she is taking me down with her. She thinks its her vs the W but i just cant bring myself to leave my kids nor do i want to. She is hurting and i cant see myself from ever being with her nor do i want to. She knew i was a MM, knew i had children and i NEVER said i would leave and i dont think its right for her to threaten me to control me.

 

She threatened to tell my wife expose whatever she could everytime she felt frustrated or angry. She has told me if i do something as innocent as go to a family members house for a BBQ or a childs birthday party that she would show up and expose me. Its been 4 years and i can not take anymore physically or mentally. I made the mistake of giving in to her demands but i do not know what to do now. She has told me to not take my kids anywhere if my W will be there and i cant take the pressure anymore.

 

I dont know what to do. If anyone can offer support or adivice it would be greatly appreciated

 

Your OW is manipulative and the dynamic that has built between you two is so unhealthy and damaging. Her threats are from pain, jealously and she's probably become someone she never intended on being. I doubt she's this malicious and threatening most of the time, it's just the affair and the whole roller coaster ride has made her feel crazy and now she's out of control.

 

She is in the wrong here, and shouldn't be blackmailing you like this. It's actually sickening that she is doing this.

 

You have to talk to your wife and come clean. You have a better chance of your wife giving you a second chance if you confess and own everything that you've done, apologize to her and do everything you can do fix things and fix yourself.

 

You need to end the affair with the OW once and for all. This isn't even an affair anymore, you two fight and she haunts you by her threats.

[whichwayisup]

i have always been kind in fact too kind i have always dealt with her with kid gloves because i did not want to upset her

 

Yet you are/were willing to devastate your wife by having an affair for many years. You were willing to risk your marriage, your children's lives for this OW.

 

You sound scared of her. Your fear (she knows you are too) has given her so much power over you.

 

So, have you continued to live life with your wife and children? Or have you let OW's threats stop you from family outings, spending time with your wife, hanging out with your kids etc?

 

Your wife isn't stupid, she must see strain and stress on you. She may not 'know' you're having an A, but feels something is 'off' yet she trusts you and loves you, figures you'd never ever cheat on her..

 

Confess to your wife because if you don't, the OW will and she may even go talk to your kids and expose to them. And you do NOT want the OW anywhere near your children.