Southern Sun Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 GrayDaisy - I asked a question early on in the thread that I don't believe you answered. It's very important so I will ask again - how long have you been completely NC with the OM? Or are you still in contact with him? If you are still in contact with him, even a little, just an email here and there, or a phone call, you are going to remain in a state of ambivalence towards your H. You will stay confused, continue to think you can't get the spark back, wonder if you should stay in your marriage, etc. You may know that there is no future with the OM. You may be telling yourself that the affair is over and technically it is. But if you are maintaining contact with him in any way, it is keeping you emotionally connected to him and disconnected from your husband. Furthermore, even after you completely disconnect from the OM, you will need time to re-bond. You have done damage to your marriage (I've been there, done it myself). You had to tell yourself a lot of things inside your own mind to have an affair. BetrayedH made some good points too - now you have this comparison of a passionate new love affair that is simply nothing like a years-long marriage and isn't meant to be. All of that together is hard to overcome after an affair, for the wayward and betrayed. It can be done...but this very basic rule of absolute NO CONTACT with the former affair partner must be in place, hard and fast. No exceptions. Perhaps this doesn't apply to you, but I had to lay it out there. Or if you only managed to pull the plug totally recently, this will still be affecting you. Just some thoughts. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayDaisy Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 I'll try to answer a bunch of these questions at once. It ended and then dragged out for a bit. We kept in touch for a while after it was over and both went back to our lives. By the time I confessed, we'd been NC for a few months. I have all the answers I could ask for from him, but yes, it's obviously still something that I'm not really at peace with. Someone said earlier that if he had had a workable plan, I would have left for him. I'm not really sure that's true. If anything, I became more convinced I would have after it was over than I was while we were together. We're not in touch now, but for a while we occasionally exchanged brief one or two line "how are you" emails. I haven't talked to him in months. As far as I am aware, his wife doesn't know. Not my business to know or care at this point whether he has told her. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) you might not like hearing this, but exposure to the other BS is a fundamental aspect in killing the affair mindset. this decision rests with your husband- the BS. has he ever spoken up or made his feelings heard about this? all i have to say is she has a right to know what was going on. have you deleted all the communications? deleted all of the accounts related to this? blocked him from ever trying to get in touch with you? you really should send that NC letter. it demonstrates that you're serious about trying to save your marriage. sounds like there's a lot of rugsweeping going on. Edited July 2, 2015 by Artie Lang 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author GrayDaisy Posted July 2, 2015 Author Share Posted July 2, 2015 you might not like hearing this, but exposure to the other BS is a fundamental aspect in killing the affair mindset. also, it's not really for you to decide. this decision usually rests with your husband. has he ever spoken up or made his feelings heard about this? all i have to say is she has a right to know what was going on. have you deleted all the communications? deleted all of the accounts related to this? blocked him from ever trying to get in touch with you? you really should send that NC letter. it demonstrates that you're serious about trying to save your marriage. sounds like there's a lot of rugsweeping going on. I really really don't want to get involved. Neither does my H. He's not the dramatic type, and he made it clear that he doesn't want to get involved in this guy's life in any way. I agree she has a right to know. But I don't think it's my place to tell her at this point, and my H doesn't want to. I've deleted all the emails but not my account. It was just my general email account. He's where he wants to be. I'm not worried about him getting in touch. Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 it might seem like i'm trying to pick apart your efforts, but really i'm not. you two seem to be stuck- your husband is being quite passive in his efforts and you can't seem to let go. until you make it official and send that NC letter, i don't see you getting focused on reconciling your marriage. by not doing this you're pretty much saying that however remote the chance is, he still holds a place in your heart. maybe if your marriage doesn't make it, you two can stay in contact in some way without his wife being the wiser. sorry, but that's what it looks like from the outside looking in. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted July 2, 2015 Share Posted July 2, 2015 I really really don't want to get involved. Neither does my H. He's not the dramatic type, and he made it clear that he doesn't want to get involved in this guy's life in any way. I agree she has a right to know. But I don't think it's my place to tell her at this point, and my H doesn't want to. I've deleted all the emails but not my account. It was just my general email account. He's where he wants to be. I'm not worried about him getting in touch. Coming from another BS, I would have wanted someone to tell me my wife was sleeping around on me. The number of people that knew about it but refused to tell me is still shocking. Everyone had the attitude of "it's not my place to say". However it not that different from me bleeding to death on a side walk and people walking by saying "I hope someone helps that poor guy out." Inaction is not preventing someone else's hurt. Inaction is refusing to help someone when they need it. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Sometimes, after an A, there are mind "pictures" of seeing the wife with her OM, and it is a big turn-off. Just imagine that your H had the hot A with some beautiful gal. How would you feel inside? Probably hurt, angry, depressed, and many other things. Real hard to deal with. Then with the depression, every time you look at your wife, you see her with the OM, having all sorts of wonderful sex. For some men, that is a huge turn-off. They do not want to touch their wife anymore. (maybe never). so you do not want to have sex with him. So he does not trust you, because you chose someone else. And he can't have sex with you, because every time he looks at you, he sees you with the OM, doing whatever. If you can't get your feelings back, you still make him feel like he is your second or third choice. Feelings of anger. And for some men, they do not want to touch you. Have you thought that your A might make you not very attractive to your H? I do not know if he would tell you the truth, sometimes the pain is too deep. Not trying to paint a bad picture, but sometimes this could be how he feels. So if you can't get your feelings back and help him feel like he is number one in your life, why not let him go? It surely is not a fun situation for him. Just trying to help give you some thoughts that may or may not be going on in his head. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 since you haven't gone to marriage counseling. I suggest you go! together! don't do it just for yourself or your husband. do it for the family. happiness of both parents reflects on the well being of the children. Link to post Share on other sites
eric1 Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 I really really don't want to get involved. Neither does my H. He's not the dramatic type, and he made it clear that he doesn't want to get involved in this guy's life in any way. I agree she has a right to know. But I don't think it's my place to tell her at this point, and my H doesn't want to. I've deleted all the emails but not my account. It was just my general email account. He's where he wants to be. I'm not worried about him getting in touch. It is your place to tell her, and you will not heal until you do. You're making excuses. Sorry for the 2x4, but it's true. You're still holding out hope, whether you admit it or not. As to rebuilding emotion into the marriage, google "love bank". It's a tremendous concept and allows you to build slowly but surely. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 7, 2015 Share Posted July 7, 2015 It is your place to tell her, and you will not heal until you do. You're making excuses. Sorry for the 2x4, but it's true. You're still holding out hope, whether you admit it or not. As to rebuilding emotion into the marriage, google "love bank". It's a tremendous concept and allows you to build slowly but surely. I would suggest buying the book Surviving an Affair. It's a great book, and I would read it and stick with the actual book itself. Link to post Share on other sites
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