Do these situations exist?

[RightThere]

you did not mention if this woman is hot or not....

 

Yeah, she's hot.

[RightThere]

I'm surprised that the women OP mentioned and all the responses so far show that people are ready to date so quickly after a split.

 

Can't speak for my STBXW, but considering she "dated" like crazy while we were married, I'm not surprised she OK with it all.

 

And I definitely am not looking to date. If situations present themselves, I definitely won't turn good offers down. But anything serious is not what I want right now.

 

I guess for the other people involved, if they've decided long ago their marriage was done and are just formally doing to grunt work to separate, I don't think it's a huge leap to look at dating.

[happyman64]

rightthere

 

 

You are spot on about your wife.

 

 

She will do "anything" to alleviate her own guilt.

 

 

When your D is done go find a woman that is totally out of her/your group of friends.

 

 

You do not need any drama in your life.

 

 

You certainly do not need any woman your Ex approves of as well.

 

 

And may I add that I read your original thread.

 

 

You are certainly the adult in the relationship with your STBXW.

 

 

So focus on you and your daughter and when the timing is right cut your wife out of your new life because she does not deserve an ounce of your friendship in the future.

 

 

Maybe you will let her earn it again.

 

 

HM

[sandylee1]

Isn't this a bit too close to home? I just never understand with all the single men and women out there , people go for someone close to their spouse or ex spouse.

 

Their friends , so what next. ....they discuss how you are in bed and compare notes ?

 

Steer clear and find someone else.

 

I agree with Autumn , I can't imagine any friend of mine asking if they could pursue my stbx.

[beatcuff]

i'm actually surprised that people are not aware how often this occurs and for good reason. any reasonable attorney will state you do not leave the family home until the court orders you. otherwise (especially in the blue states) you will assumed to have abandoned your wife/children. not a good position for asset division and child support (and tough to cry poor when they have pictures of your new home). dating while D is not final while not ideal, is frankly common.

 

so why would the ex want to be involved, guilt or if OP has a W he will leave her alone... especially if she starts dating his....

 

the simplest option is to ask the husband.

[Noirek]

Isn't this a bit too close to home? I just never understand with all the single men and women out there , people go for someone close to their spouse or ex spouse.

 

Their friends , so what next. ....they discuss how you are in bed and compare notes ?

 

Steer clear and find someone else.

 

I agree with Autumn , I can't imagine any friend of mine asking if they could pursue my stbx.

 

I don't know where Right There lives. But not everybody has the option to have very many degrees of seperation. Where I live it is small and to do this one would have to move. Which is what many preach but with kids and finances isn't always feasible.

[spanz1]

Yeah, she's hot.

 

Then that is your answer right there "thanks honey, maybe we can double date to try it out..."

 

 

[RightThere]

I don't know where Right There lives.

 

I'm in Canada so the whole moving out thing has more to do with their comfort levels, not upsetting the kids, finances at this point.

[RightThere]

And may I add that I read your original thread.

 

 

You are certainly the adult in the relationship with your STBXW.

 

I appreciate you saying that. I had to lock down my original thread because things went even worse after that. My own fault as well in that I needed to make sure there was nothing salvageable in our marriage.

 

Probably a guy thing for it dragging out, but I eventually got to the point where I stood up for myself and decided I didn't need to put up with this crap anymore. And although there's still plenty of turmoil, I am so glad to be at this place in my life now.

 

And yeah. It is extremely difficult to be the adult and keep sucking up all the things I really want to say and do to my STBXW, but I just focus on the big picture and I know all the small crap is meaningless. Get her out the door as inexpensively as possible, then start living my life.

[happyman64]

I'll tell you a secret RT.

 

 

There is nothing that you can ever say to her.

 

 

But you can show her many things.

 

 

Like how your children come to you for support & love, not her.

 

 

Your STBXW will understand when you replace her with someone loving, trusting and more beautiful inside & out than her.

 

 

When you can laugh & smile in her presence because you love someone else and you are truly happy.

 

 

When someone asks you who that woman is and she overhears you say that is someone I used to know....

 

 

That is what you show her. That is what you give her.

 

 

And when she says "Can't we just be friends?" You can say. "No. A true friend does not lie, cheat and destroy the life we planned together for our family for continuous validation from other men."

 

 

And then you smile and simply walk away.

 

 

Continue to be who you are. And you know it. And that is all that truly matters,

 

 

And I assure someday your children will hug you and thank you for being the adult.

 

 

HM

[oldshirt]

Right There I want to clarify my position a little better. .. don't have a single thing against open marriage..age or having some fun with a married woman with her husband's blessing.

 

My issue is you shouldn't have anything to do with anything coming from your STBX or anything with any involvement of her in any way shape or form.

 

I wouldn't eat a Snickers bar in the wrapper from her if she came home from the store with a whole package of them. Anything involving her is going to have some kind of catch and some kind of hidden price tags that you aren't gonna want to pay.

 

 

Steer clear of this not because it's something different and an alternative lifestyle, but rather steer clear because your STBX is associated with it.

[RightThere]

Right There I want to clarify my position a little better. .. don't have a single thing against open marriage..age or having some fun with a married woman with her husband's blessing.

 

My issue is you shouldn't have anything to do with anything coming from your STBX or anything with any involvement of her in any way shape or form.

 

I wouldn't eat a Snickers bar in the wrapper from her if she came home from the store with a whole package of them. Anything involving her is going to have some kind of catch and some kind of hidden price tags that you aren't gonna want to pay.

 

 

Steer clear of this not because it's something different and an alternative lifestyle, but rather steer clear because your STBX is associated with it.

 

I do know what you are saying. My STBXW has been and I know continues to be a master manipulator of all situations she can touch. And most stuff I am avoiding like the plague that she is touching.

 

However we do have the same group of friends and for my daughter's sake, I do try to keep a friendly relationship with her. I won't cut her off simply for that reason. My guard is always up, but at this stage she'll only manipulate me out of small, petty things so I really could care less.

 

In this situation I know my STBXW is friends with the wife, but they aren't tight friends. And I'm wise enough to know the whole situation is ripe with land mines everywhere (some from the situation itself, and some from my STBXW having her with a voice in it). I just need to tread very carefully and know when to run away if anything smells remotely odd.

 

I figure I won't turn down everything my wife offers me out of spite or total mistrust. If she offers me a glass of water while I'm thirsty, I'll still drink it. Only difference now is I'll put a few drops through a poison detector first.

[RightThere]

Follow up question for any BS.

 

Do you feel more or less sensitive towards infidelity that you encounter?

 

I was thinking about this potential situation some and although I'm sure I won't pursue anything with a married woman, being honest with myself I do have a thought that comes through my head now and again that "Meh, if their marriage is done from the inside and they're just not going to do anything about it, do I care if I'm getting a little somethin' somethin' and possibly making sure the married couples' marriage is dead with no chance of salvage-ability?"

 

Maybe I'm just a bit emotionally numb to a lot of things right now, but I hope being on the wrong end of infidelity hasn't make me numb now to the raw destruction it cause me before.

 

I know what's right and what's in my head, but just wondering if this don't care as much attitude is normal for BSs.

[sandylee1]

I don't know where Right There lives. But not everybody has the option to have very many degrees of seperation. Where I live it is small and to do this one would have to move. Which is what many preach but with kids and finances isn't always feasible.

 

Are you saying there are very few single people that you are not connected to , so you'd have to get into a relationship with someone you already know?