Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Ok - I wrote about my situation in the below thread - the gist, we've been dating 5 months and I just found out she's still checking her online profile from one of my friends. I'm wondering what is the best way to bring up this topic. She's picking me up at the airport later today, and I plan on having the conversation about why she's still online tonight. Any thoughts on how to gently bring up the topic would be great. Right now I'm thinking I'll say I got an interesting message from my friend and then migrate into the conversation. Thoughts? Help? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/534893-still-occasionally-logs-onto-dating-site-after-5-month
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I'd ask where she thinks you are & where does she want you to be. After she answers that Q, you can mention that you no longer have a profile & ask about hers. then mention you'd prefer if she stay off the sites. 4
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Talk about a man that is afraid to shake the boat. Is your relationship THAT fragile? Here's a conversation starter: My friend saw you on a dating site 9
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Talk about a man that is afraid to shake the boat. Is your relationship THAT fragile? Here's a conversation starter: My friend saw you on a dating site Gatea - that's effectively how I said I was planning on starting the conversation...I'm not scared to rock the boat. If she still has interest in seeing others, I'm planning on calling it quits with her tonight. I just thought people may have a view on non- aggressive ways to bring up the topic. We never chatted about exclusivity, so I don't want to come down too hard incase she wants exclusivity...I have to deal with the aftermath of the conversation if we stay together, so I'm just trying to minimize that potential damage. Obviously, if she still wants to see others after pretty intense 5 months...well, she's had the trial period. 1
alphamale Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 ask her why she is doing this then don't bring the subject up again
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Gatea - that's effectively how I said I was planning on starting the conversation...I'm not scared to rock the boat. If she still has interest in seeing others, I'm planning on calling it quits with her tonight. I just thought people may have a view on non- aggressive ways to bring up the topic. We never chatted about exclusivity, so I don't want to come down too hard incase she wants exclusivity...I have to deal with the aftermath of the conversation if we stay together, so I'm just trying to minimize that potential damage. Obviously, if she still wants to see others after pretty intense 5 months...well, she's had the trial period. Just curious, have you met each other's family and friends? Also, don't say my friend saw you on Tinder. Say my friend saw you on a dating site. Lets eliminate all other possibilities at the same time. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Ok - I wrote about my situation in the below thread - the gist, we've been dating 5 months and I just found out she's still checking her online profile from one of my friends. I'm wondering what is the best way to bring up this topic. She's picking me up at the airport later today, and I plan on having the conversation about why she's still online tonight. Any thoughts on how to gently bring up the topic would be great. Right now I'm thinking I'll say I got an interesting message from my friend and then migrate into the conversation. Thoughts? Help? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/534893-still-occasionally-logs-onto-dating-site-after-5-month You simply open a casual, non-confrontational conversation. Say something like "hey, I'm not online anymore and don't have a profile up, how about you?" and let her talk. Don't tip your hand about knowledge from a friend. 1
elaine567 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Do not come across accusatory, just ask about exclusivity and say you want that and is she open to that? If she is, then say you are deactivating your OLD account(s) and hint that she do the same. If she isn't up for exclusivity or she is hesitant or makes up excuses or looks uncomfortable or furtive then you will have your answer.
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Just curious, have you met each other's family and friends? Also, don't say my friend saw you on Tinder. Say my friend saw you on a dating site. Lets eliminate all other possibilities at the same time. Got it - only issue is that she knows my buddy founded the site where we met (OkCupid) and is CEO of Match.com...so I'm tempted to just mention him, and she'll know the site pretty quickly thereafter. Anyhow, I've met her mom for drinks, she's met my brother...not a ton of family interaction (hers lives out of state)...I've met most of her friends. I'm not going to pretend that I've tried hard to get her to meet the rest of my family because she seemed a bit gun shy about that in conversations we had a while ago. I've mentioned that she should meet them all via my ~weekly family dinners...she seems interested, just not, "I want to meet them ASAP" interested. I guess me not taking a more proactive approach with family interactions could be signaling that she thinks I'm not too serious...but we spend 5 nights together each week! I'd hope it's obvious that I'm interested.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Got it - only issue is that she knows my buddy founded the site where we met (OkCupid) and is CEO of Match.com...so I'm tempted to just mention him, and she'll know the site pretty quickly thereafter. Anyhow, I've met her mom for drinks, she's met my brother...not a ton of family interaction (hers lives out of state)...I've met most of her friends. I'm not going to pretend that I've tried hard to get her to meet the rest of my family because she seemed a bit gun shy about that in conversations we had a while ago. I've mentioned that she should meet them all via my ~weekly family dinners...she seems interested, just not, "I want to meet them ASAP" interested. I guess me not taking a more proactive approach with family interactions could be signaling that she thinks I'm not too serious...but we spend 5 nights together each week! I'd hope it's obvious that I'm interested. I personally would not meet someone's family that I am not exclusive with but not all people think like me. Didn't you say your friend would provide you with her online activity?
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Gaeta, he will share her online activity if I ask for it...but I'd rather not do that. I figure if needed I can use that fact to simply coax the truth out of her, as she can't hide it, but If I have to play that game, I think it's almost game over...
Redhead14 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Do not come across accusatory, just ask about exclusivity and say you want that and is she open to that? If she is, then say you are deactivating your OLD account(s) and hint that she do the same. If she isn't up for exclusivity or she is hesitant or makes up excuses or looks uncomfortable or furtive then you will have your answer. Don't ask her about exclusivity until she tells you what's what with the online thing. That will tell you whether or not you even want to ask for exclusivity.
Gary S Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Bringing up a talk like that might be a turn off, I would not recommend it. If somebody cheats, what can you do about it? All you can do is walk. But right now, all you have is suspicion. 1
Arieswoman Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Vintage69, What is the deal between you? Are you exclusive or are you still "dating"?
autumnnight Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Gaeta, he will share her online activity if I ask for it...but I'd rather not do that. I figure if needed I can use that fact to simply coax the truth out of her, as she can't hide it, but If I have to play that game, I think it's almost game over... If your friend does this, he is quite unethical. You are talking about snooping into online activities of a woman you have not even had the "exclusive" talk with. Just ask her, and don't act like she's a cheater. If you haven't agreed to be exclusive...she not, no matter how much it may hurt your ego. 3
Versacehottie Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 What about something like this: I know we've never talked about exclusivity so far. On my end it just seemed to transition to that naturally, but we've never discussed it with each other. What do you think? Then let her answer. Then say: one of the reasons I was asking is that a friend of mine saw your active profile on line. Pause, let her fill in the blanks. I think it's important to be honest and put it all out there rather than strategize certain parts not others especially if this is a make or break moment. ps if you want to stay friends with your guy friend who works at the dating sites stop saying that he can get you the records of anyone. You're compromising his job. Just saying. Sorry. Good luck with the girlfriend. somehow I think it will go well.
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I would not have much respect for a man that TIP TOE around this question. I much prefer a man that would be forward with me and ask me directly. 1
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 If your friend does this, he is quite unethical. You are talking about snooping into online activities of a woman you have not even had the "exclusive" talk with. Just ask her, and don't act like she's a cheater. If you haven't agreed to be exclusive...she not, no matter how much it may hurt your ego. I'm not planning on asking the guy for the online info...that would be super creepy. I'm not going to act like she's a cheater, but I do want the truth so tnat I can figure out our trajectory. That said - I've been in several year+ relationships, and have never had an exclusive talk...kind of lame if you need that to make sure you're on the same page, but I may have to try it out tonight...
veggirl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Honestly she is just going to lie. No one who has been dating someone for 5 MONTHS and seeing them 5+ times a week has ANY business on a dating site. Literally no excuse. 100% guarantee she will say she just logged in to view messages for the lols, or a friend asked her to look at someone or the classic "I was bored". ...do you actually think if she is checking out other guys she will admit to it? Better at least make sure she deletes her profile in that moment. Delete, not de-activate. 3
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 I actually think she'll be honest about it. Perhaps it's naivity, or my desire to think people are genuinely good and honest. Regardless, even if she isn't honest, body language isn't too hard to read, which is why I'm planning on talking in person and I haven't hinted at what I'm thinking. Deleting the profile will be a requirement if she wants to stay together (although disable is fine w me...mine is only disabled). Agree that there aren't any excuses...that's why I'm not jazzed abiut it...at best, it's going to make the next few monyns more questionable as opposed to stable... 1
autumnnight Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I'm not planning on asking the guy for the online info...that would be super creepy. I'm not going to act like she's a cheater, but I do want the truth so tnat I can figure out our trajectory. That said - I've been in several year+ relationships, and have never had an exclusive talk...kind of lame if you need that to make sure you're on the same page, but I may have to try it out tonight... I actually agree about the exclusivity thing. If you have been dating that hot and heavy for 5 months, complete with sex, you would THINK that the exclusivity talk would be moot. Sadly, in this day and age, it apparently is not always the case. Apparently multi-body fluid sharing is hip - welcome to modrn dating.
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 If your friend does this, he is quite unethical. You are talking about snooping into online activities of a woman you have not even had the "exclusive" talk with. Just ask her, and don't act like she's a cheater. If you haven't agreed to be exclusive...she not, no matter how much it may hurt your ego. Yes he is...and if she ever found out she could sue him and his business for invasion of privacy, intentional infliction of emotional distress and a slew of other things her lawyer has in his arsenal.... As a business, he should know better...sheesh.
Author Vintage79 Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Just because he could, doesn't mean he would. He's a super ethical guy. I don't think he would go snooping and I wouldn't try to get him to snoop. His entire business is predicated on privacy...he's not going to risk crippling the business to help his buddy snoop. That said, many of the software engineers and management at those companies can access all acct information for the accounts on their sites. So yes, the claim of him being able to access is true, but that's much different than compromising his ethics and business...
Ruby Slippers Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I agree that the best approach is to be direct and tell her your friend saw her on the site, see how she responds. I don't think this is a good sign. I think if a man or woman is excited and serious about the person they're with, they'll shut down their dating site accounts and stop browsing for other potentials, as they wouldn't want to risk messing it up. After a few dates with my new boyfriend, we both left the search behind. He showed me how he keeps getting e-mails from a couple of sites he's deleted his profile from, and asked if I could help him block those, which I did. A couple of days later, he told me he gets different ones from the same sites from different e-mail addresses, and is now marking them all as spam. I show him the occasional messages and texts that come in from prospects who had my contact info from before I met him. We're serious about each other, so we've both voluntarily established full transparency. 2
phineas Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 If your friend does this, he is quite unethical. You are talking about snooping into online activities of a woman you have not even had the "exclusive" talk with. Just ask her, and don't act like she's a cheater. If you haven't agreed to be exclusive...she not, no matter how much it may hurt your ego. no it isn't. Read the TOS for these sites. You have ZERO right to privacy. They can look at whatever they want for no reason at all & i'm willing to bet the employees allready do. so you better not keep any racy private pics in your profile. Now, if you said it is a bitch move to have your buddy creep her online activity because you don't want to call her out on it. Oh yeah. i'd agree with that. But op isn't going to do that right OP? IF it were me, i'd just enable my profile again & start dating cause...well...so is she. OP, unless you have a place to stay & a hooker booked i'd wait until after sex & a good nights sleep to bring it up.
Recommended Posts