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Still occasionally logs onto dating site after 5 month...


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Posted

Ok, I've been dating a great girl for almost 5 months. We see each other several times a week and when we see each other we almost always spend the night (some times 5-6 times/week), sex is very frequent...there isn't really anything to complain about as things seem pretty good.

 

About a month ago, one of my buddies said saw her on the dating site that I met her on. I had deactivated my account a while ago, but I reactivated it, and she had logged on a few days prior like my buddy said. About a week later, I got a message from the dating site telling me about all sorts of new matches, I logged in and saw she was online a few days prior. I haven't logged on again and have deactivated the account again.

 

That said, I'm curious to see what people think about this - we see each other enough so she doesn't really have time to see any one else, I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but say she has been logging on once every week or two...is this a red flag? Should I ask her about it? Ignore it? It seems odd to me and kind of makes me question her interest level, even though her actions towards me have been very consistently interested.

Posted

Create a fake profile and go talk to her.

 

You cannot confront someone about having a profile online, they're never going to tell you the truth.

 

She has no business on there.

  • Like 2
Posted
Ok, I've been dating a great girl for almost 5 months. We see each other several times a week and when we see each other we almost always spend the night (some times 5-6 times/week), sex is very frequent...there isn't really anything to complain about as things seem pretty good.

 

About a month ago, one of my buddies said saw her on the dating site that I met her on. I had deactivated my account a while ago, but I reactivated it, and she had logged on a few days prior like my buddy said. About a week later, I got a message from the dating site telling me about all sorts of new matches, I logged in and saw she was online a few days prior. I haven't logged on again and have deactivated the account again.

 

That said, I'm curious to see what people think about this - we see each other enough so she doesn't really have time to see any one else, I'm not sure how long this has been going on, but say she has been logging on once every week or two...is this a red flag? Should I ask her about it? Ignore it? It seems odd to me and kind of makes me question her interest level, even though her actions towards me have been very consistently interested.

 

I think you should bring it up just like you did here and see how she responds. It might not be a red flag, but you'll want to know where she's at. Going by the wording of your post, I think you'll have a mature approach to the conversation with her. Good luck.

Posted

Here is my advice: ask her.

  • Like 1
Posted

Personally I think its a red flag. I'd be very disappointed if my fairly recent gf was still online looking for guys or promoting herself as being available. I suspect this need to still see whats out there is a bit of a habit with people and they really may not have the intent to cheat or upgrade...but who knows for sure. Maybe its just a validation thing, but OLD creates a lot more opportunity for cheaters to find someone from the comfort of their sofa.

 

I don't agree that she has no time to meet others. Some weeks yes but other weeks you might only meet 3 times a week. Some of the good looking guys I know you use OLD and have a great time talk about first date sex being more the norm for them. For all you all know all she might need is 1 date night every few weeks with a guy like that to get her thrills on the side.

 

Chances are she's met this buddy of yours who recognized her on the site, so you cant use him to set her up. How about you create a 2nd profile using the pic of a good looking guy and contact her and see where it goes. If you showed up in recent matches she might have twigged you have been back on the site yourself and would have seen her, so she could already have a cover story. some here will say dont go to the trouble and just confront her or just dump her.

  • Author
Posted

I'm not really a deceptive guy - the idea of a fake profile and stalking/set-up makes me cringe - I'd just ask her about it and see how she responds as opposed to the other game.

 

I really don't think she's seeing anyone else and she's not one to go for one night flings...sure, I could be mistaken, but I'm not too worried about that right now...I'm more interested in figuring out what it implies that she is occasionally logging in.

Posted

I think you are afraid of the truth. She is online with pictures advertizing herself as single. What do you think she is doing there? She is looking at her options.

 

Don't be a fool.

  • Like 3
Posted

If you do the fake profile and then confront her, it is over, so just by making the fake profile you'd be saying you want it to end.

 

 

Ask her directly, see what she says. Have you two ever actually talked about being committed or exclusive? Never assume you are unless you talk directly about it.

 

 

Honesty, and being direct are always the correct approach. Being sneaky, underhanded and trying to catch someone doing something will only blow up in your face. Do not follow the fake profile advice.

Posted

Honesty, and being direct are always the correct approach. Being sneaky, underhanded and trying to catch someone doing something will only blow up in your face. Do not follow the fake profile advice.

 

I've been there, done that and got the tshirt.

 

She will say she was bored and had no intention of contacting anyone. Ya right. Honestly you really think anyone would answer the truth? The truth being she is bored in her relationship and looking at her other options before bailing out.

 

Same thing happened to me, I went online and spoke to him under a different ID and within 5 minutes he was setting up a meeting with me. When I innocently asked him why he was still online he said: Oh honey that's nothing I am just bored sometimes.

 

People in exclusive relationship have no business online, no business having an active profile, and no business having a dating app on their phone.

  • Like 6
Posted (edited)
If you do the fake profile and then confront her, it is over, so just by making the fake profile you'd be saying you want it to end.

I don't agree. If she just wants to chat only to the fake profile then he doesn't have any solid evidence to confront her that she is being unfaithful, so when he does confront her he just wont mention he tested her with the fake profile. She wont know he tested her. All he needs to mention is that it was his friend that gave him the heads up.

 

Ask her directly, see what she says. Have you two ever actually talked about being committed or exclusive? Never assume you are unless you talk directly about it.

After 6 months and with often weeks where they will spend 5 days together, I'd say its pretty much a given. If she tries to claim that because they have not had the talk that she is still free 6 mths later to date & sleep with others, then that's just shyster loophole bs. I'd hold off on the talk and likewise start dating others then.

 

Honesty, and being direct are always the correct approach. Being sneaky, underhanded and trying to catch someone doing something will only blow up in your face. Do not follow the fake profile advice.

True, but she is not exactly being upfront about still looking around online. She is sneaky. It certainly helps uncover the truth when you go about things the smart way. Play sneaky with sneaky yourself. There are so many stories on here of cheaters lying when confronted with good evidence let alone when someone tackles them with just suspicions. To me using a fake profile to test her is no worse than her using a OLD site while in a relationship. She can't take the moral high ground on this.

 

my comments in bold

Edited by ascendotum
  • Like 1
Posted

Let's say there's a fisherman.

 

He catches himself a beaut, a 20-pound bass or whatever. He take a liking to the bass, and decides that he don't need to fish anymore. He thinks he'll never catch another fish as good as that bass, so he takes it home and frame it.

 

 

Then, a few months later, he starts looking at his boat with longing. Is he just thinking about the fun he had fishing? Maybe. But really, he's imagining what other fish are out there that he didn't experience.

 

One day, while his Bass is at work, he goes back on the boat. "It's just for nostalgia" he tells himself. He brings his boat back on the waters and just sit...for a while nothing happens. He's bored. But suddenly, a 22-pound bass jumps onto his boat. He has a chance, but he's rusty from being retired for a few months and the bigger bass loses interest. Or maybe it just wanted to chill in his boat for a few minutes and then bounce. It's getting late and his bass will expect him home any minute, but now he's had a taste of what is out there.

 

So now the fisherman occasionally logs some time into his boat even though he's had the 20-pound bass for 5 months.

 

 

What the **** do you think the fisherman is looking for?

 

A bigger bass that is willing to stay.

Posted

How far along are you both emotionally? Are you saying "I love you's"? Is there real passion, says she can't stop thinking about you, goes out of her way to do thoughtful things for you? Talk of living together? marriage? naming your future children?

 

If not she ain't that into you.

Posted

OK, after 5 months in a pretty serious sexual relationship, where you see each other most days, I wouldn't be happy either.

 

I don't know if I'd be too comfortable with the fake profile stalking approach, but thinking about it it might be the best way to get an honest answer from her. It is possible she is one of these people that likes an ego boost from OLD. Either way you would have a better idea what she's up to.

  • Like 1
Posted

Is it a red flag? Is the pope catholic?

 

Of course it's a red flag! the girl you've been dating for five months is active on a DATING website. People go on dating websites for one thing and one thing only.

 

I agree with Gaeta, set up a fake profile and message her.

  • Like 1
Posted

OP you never really said if she was your girlfriend... I take it you talked about commitment with her right?

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Never talked about commitment - but I've never done that in any prior relationship and I'm sure they were exclusive. I see this girl 5-6 nights a week and the days I don't I get texts through the evening until her bed time...pretty sure she's not seeing anyone else - heck, she's seen a therapist for a while because she was cheated on...I'm not worried about her cheating, just potential interest and being blindsided by a dump.

 

I know the founder of the site we met on (OkCupid) and I'm grabbing drinks w him tomorrow...he can get me all of her activity logs if I ask...but I really don't want to be a stalker...

  • Author
Posted

I'm out of town, so I won't see her for a few days (longest period of time since the first month of dating). I told her I was grabbing drinks with the founder of the site and she told me to tell him that I met her on there. Either she's genuinely not cheating or messaging people, or she's clueless and doesn't realize that he can give me copies of every message she's sent. I don't want to ask him for that information, but will use it as an intro to ask about her behavior when I get back into town and either get her to shut her account down or break-up. I genuinely think her behavior is benign at this point and that she's not seeking out another guy, but it's still kinda messed up.

Posted

Hmmm. I'm no stalker but I know in your situation id have to ask him !

Posted
Never talked about commitment - but I've never done that in any prior relationship and I'm sure they were exclusive. I see this girl 5-6 nights a week and the days I don't I get texts through the evening until her bed time...pretty sure she's not seeing anyone else - heck, she's seen a therapist for a while because she was cheated on...I'm not worried about her cheating, just potential interest and being blindsided by a dump.

 

I know the founder of the site we met on (OkCupid) and I'm grabbing drinks w him tomorrow...he can get me all of her activity logs if I ask...but I really don't want to be a stalker...

 

You can't complain if you haven't talked about commitment.

 

She isn't doing anything wrong.

 

You need to talk to her and define the relationship.

 

 

 

p.s. don't be crazy

  • Like 1
Posted

She's keeping her options open.

 

Hypergamy, brah.

Posted
You can't complain if you haven't talked about commitment.

 

She isn't doing anything wrong.

 

You need to talk to her and define the relationship.

 

p.s. don't be crazy

 

I disagree that just because they haven't talked about commitment that OP's point is moot. Given the duration and (high) frequency of their time together, it's completely reasonable to assume that neither person is pursuing other options. I do agree though that they now, based on the findings, need to talk about and define the relationship.

 

One thing I notice a lot in dating culture today is that when someone does something questionable and gets caught, they can pull the "well, we never talked about that" card. This is why I'm basically sticking up for OP here. It's impossible to cover all bases for all scenarios these days, and even some attempts to do so can get interpreted as being pushy, controlling, jealous, needy, clingy, etc... Most communications are implicit, and dating/relationships are absolutely loaded with these. Given OP's past relationships, and the many of others who never verbally contracted to commitment but it was evident, I can see why the conversation hasn't happened yet and why he'd be upset right now.

 

I hope it works out.

Posted (edited)
I disagree that just because they haven't talked about commitment that OP's point is moot. Given the duration and (high) frequency of their time together, it's completely reasonable to assume that neither person is pursuing other options. I do agree though that they now, based on the findings, need to talk about and define the relationship.

 

One thing I notice a lot in dating culture today is that when someone does something questionable and gets caught, they can pull the "well, we never talked about that" card. This is why I'm basically sticking up for OP here. It's impossible to cover all bases for all scenarios these days, and even some attempts to do so can get interpreted as being pushy, controlling, jealous, needy, clingy, etc... Most communications are implicit, and dating/relationships are absolutely loaded with these. Given OP's past relationships, and the many of others who never verbally contracted to commitment but it was evident, I can see why the conversation hasn't happened yet and why he'd be upset right now.

 

I hope it works out.

 

I 100% agree with this. Some things are just a "given." Five MONTHS of consistent dating, spending FIVE nights a week together, meeting/spending time with each other's friends and family...come on now.

 

As Toodaloo said in a different thread....when can it be assumed a couple is boyfriend/girlfriend and/or exclusive....after 15 years of marriage?

 

She was kidding of course but this "exclusivity talk" and the importance thereof is getting out of hand.

 

What are we 10 year olds....needing everything "spelled out" for us..."explained" to us...or "defined" for us....otherwise we just run amok doing anything we want...including dating/having sex with others while in a relationship with someone else for five months or often times longer? And then when the other finds out.... toss out "oh be we never officially had "the talk," or "defined things".... or whatever other bullshyt they come up with to justify their shytty behavior.

 

I have NEVER had the "exclusive talk" with my boyfriend (nor with any of my previous boyfriends for that matter)...we've been together five plus years. Does that mean it's okay for him to chase other chicks on match.com or Tinder or wherevs because we've never had "the exclusive talk"? Rhetorical question....

 

Give me a freakin break....grow up!

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 3
Posted

You can't say for sure she's been online because those indicators can be faulty or simply light up because she has the phone app.

 

The bigger issue is your trust issue anyway.

  • Like 1
Posted
You can't say for sure she's been online because those indicators can be faulty or simply light up because she has the phone app.

 

The bigger issue is your trust issue anyway.

 

 

sorry but after 5 months together and 5 nights a week together, you're not suppose to be online, or have a profile, or have dating apps on your phone. You are suppose to be super freakin happy you don't have to deal with that online shyt any longer.

Posted (edited)

Maybe she is checking to see if YOU are online. There is no way to know for sure.

 

 

IME, it is usually the guys who keep fishing even after they are supposedly in a relationship... not the women.

 

 

Not saying that women don't do it too... just saying that maybe she's had some bad experiences and is checking on you. You mentioned that she had been cheated on... well... people become hypervigilent after that. How recent was that experience for her?

 

 

5-6 months is about the time people decide whether to really invest in a relationship. Do you have other reasons to doubt her, or are you looking for a reason to end things and keep looking? Usually these issues come up when there are questions on both sides...

 

 

When you talk to her, maybe use it as an opening discussion to address trust issues in general. It seems like this could be an issue for both of you...

 

 

... and I agree with the others... I don't believe in the stupid exclusivity 'talk'. I tell people I only date one person at a time. Period. If they don't follow with a 'me too', then I'm done.

Edited by RedRobin
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