54JA Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 I wish I could be your NC buddy, who is going through the same thing... Maybe you can start a new thread with that title? But make sure you ask for people to participate because they are going through the same thing and can relate to you, not to preach you for judge you. You are still in early stage of shock. It's normal for you to feel out of control and that you are losing it. Don't be too hard on yourself for reaching out to him. Maybe you need to go through a few failed contacts to get yourself ready for NC again. I only say this because of his response. In a way, it is good that he hung up on you. He is not giving you any positive reinforcement for calling. (I am not saying that he is a good guy, but in this case, his non-responsiveness can work to your benefit). Some guys will string you along with little positive reinforcement even though they have no intention for reconciliation. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemay Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 I tried to do good things for me today but nothing matters, I'm in tears again, I'm not in control, nothing, I don't know how to get back to confident. I called him again, he picked up, telling me what a mess I am, tellin me I have to listen to him, he's controlling it all, I'm just a puppet, I'm ashamed, I'm letting him scream at me, agreeing, I'm a ****ing loser, no back bone, just don't want him to leave, but now he's cold again, treating me like garbage, it hurts so bad, trying to bite my tongue, to not anger him, and inside I'm screaming, god help me, get me out of this mess, give me the strength I had a few months ago, but he's got the control, I'm pathetic, and I'm stuck. I don't know where to go, where to look, what to think, I just want to disappear. I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be strong and confident. It's all gone. I'm so sorry to be so depressing, it's pathetic, I don't know how to turn it around again, I don't want to be alone again.. Link to post Share on other sites
54JA Posted August 5, 2015 Share Posted August 5, 2015 I'm so sorry you are hurting so much. I'm so sorry that you are in this emotional crisis. I know it's tough, and right now you are right in the middle of it. Remember that, it's harder for you to get over this because you were in a abusive relationship. Many people say that getting over an abusive relationship is harder than non-abusive relationships. Don't be too hard on yourself. You survived today. You are alive. Focus on surviving tomorrow. One day at a time. I'm rooting for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Phoenixashes Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 Was thinking of you. How are things today? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemay Posted September 2, 2015 Author Share Posted September 2, 2015 I went back to him. Was so desperate of human connection, feeling so scared, isolated, alone... I went to see him despite knowing how wrong and stupid it was. It was good for a while. And then it wasn't. One night something minor happened, nothing at all really... but it got so bad the neighbors called police, that should give you an idea how terrible things got..... I still ended up staying another couple of days, until things got so bad, neighbors called police again. I finally left. I had to drive 14 hours to get back home. That was August 15. I don't even remember all that much.... I can't even describe it, shock, pain, so much pain...... but it's like it happened to someone else... not me.... I feel nothing. I've not spoken to him since then, I've ignored him with ease. I've not done my usual fb stalking. I delete all blocked messages he leaves on my phone. I don't feel anything. No contact has been easy. No more 'I wish' or 'maybe', or 'if'..... I can no longer pretend that he is not anything but sociopathic and crazy. I'm back at work, started my Master's program, I do yoga everyday.... trying so hard to not self-medicate... failing at that cause coping has never been a strong suite of mine.... I just really don't feel anything. It's strange to me to go from feeling so in love, so bound to someone despite the horrors he put me through.... to feeling nothing. It scares me a bit. Like I might be crazy, too. I'm scared I might never find 'normal'. It's like I watched a really scary movie, immersed myself in it, and now I just turned the TV off, and don't know what to do. I wonder if I'm simply finally over him. Or am I still in shock over what happened? I've had dreams in which I went back to him, and I woke in total panic. I don't ever want to go back to him. I loved this man more than I love myself... and now I feel nothing... is that even normal? I suppose if I counted days of no contact I'd be at about day 17 or 18.... I don't really care... it's just a number inside forever. I don't really know what I feel, I'm not sad, I'm not crying, I don't miss him.... it's kind of like it never happened, none of it.... very strange Link to post Share on other sites
emotional_particle Posted September 2, 2015 Share Posted September 2, 2015 (edited) I went back to him. Was so desperate of human connection, feeling so scared, isolated, alone... I went to see him despite knowing how wrong and stupid it was. It was good for a while. And then it wasn't. One night something minor happened, nothing at all really... but it got so bad the neighbors called police, that should give you an idea how terrible things got..... I still ended up staying another couple of days, until things got so bad, neighbors called police again. I finally left. I had to drive 14 hours to get back home. That was August 15. I don't even remember all that much.... I can't even describe it, shock, pain, so much pain...... but it's like it happened to someone else... not me.... I feel nothing. I've not spoken to him since then, I've ignored him with ease. I've not done my usual fb stalking. I delete all blocked messages he leaves on my phone. I don't feel anything. No contact has been easy. No more 'I wish' or 'maybe', or 'if'..... I can no longer pretend that he is not anything but sociopathic and crazy. I'm back at work, started my Master's program, I do yoga everyday.... trying so hard to not self-medicate... failing at that cause coping has never been a strong suite of mine.... I just really don't feel anything. It's strange to me to go from feeling so in love, so bound to someone despite the horrors he put me through.... to feeling nothing. It scares me a bit. Like I might be crazy, too. I'm scared I might never find 'normal'. It's like I watched a really scary movie, immersed myself in it, and now I just turned the TV off, and don't know what to do. I wonder if I'm simply finally over him. Or am I still in shock over what happened? I've had dreams in which I went back to him, and I woke in total panic. I don't ever want to go back to him. I loved this man more than I love myself... and now I feel nothing... is that even normal? I suppose if I counted days of no contact I'd be at about day 17 or 18.... I don't really care... it's just a number inside forever. I don't really know what I feel, I'm not sad, I'm not crying, I don't miss him.... it's kind of like it never happened, none of it.... very strange I guess your brain has found a way to shut down your feelings for him since they were hurting you mentally. you should have felt like this after 60-90days of nc.don't worry whatever it is you're not hurting anymore. that's what matters. we all are here cuz of broken hearts and we all go through these fazes.some sooner some later. my gf cheated on me it's the 5th day of nc it hurt. i cried like a baby for 2 days and i'm a very rational guy. right now the hurt is gone. i still have some feelings for her at bottom of my heart and hopefully even that wont exist after a month or so.i started thinking about her flaws and everything that i didn't liked about her or hurt me and i came to this conclusion that you don't get what you want in life you get what you deserve. she deserved him ,he deserved her, and I deserve better. i'm glad that you're over him. keep on improving yourself and move on.life is short there is so much for us to experience before we die. we just can't afford to lose these precious days which could be our last. be strong and see what else life has to offer.I'm trying to do the same and all the people visiting this website. remember you're not alone. Edited September 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed offensive term ~T Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jemay Posted September 4, 2015 Author Share Posted September 4, 2015 Thanks EP... sounds like you are getting over your ex quite fast. It wasn't like that for me at all... I did a 60+ day NC but it didn't get me to where I am now. My therapist thinks I simply needed more data to make the right decision in the end. I kept justifying his behaviors and compartmentalizing the traumatic events, it kept me blind to the obvious. I think if he had cheated I would have been done right away. We all have our particular triggers. Apparently violence in a relationship wasn't enough of a trigger for me... it's incredible I went back, and I'm ashamed that I did. You're absolutely right. Life is way too short to be wasting on people who treat us like garbage. Best to move on quickly and make room for people who will be good to us. Hope you heal quickly, I got cheated on once, and it was way upsetting, so I know how you feel. Take good care x Link to post Share on other sites
Speirling Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 How are you Jemay? Sxxx Link to post Share on other sites
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