7 weeks NC

[54JA]

It's so great to hear that you are getting your self-love/respect back. Sounds like you have been diligently working on yourself. Congratulations!!

[Gus Grimly]

I do know I feel I have my self-respect back, and for some reason that means more to me now than any love I ever felt for him.

 

That certainly gives all of us who've lost self respect in one form or another hope that we too shall regain our self worth and become better, stronger people. Good for you, it's very inspirational.

[Jemay]

Jemay.. Well done on being so strong. The tables have turned for you it seems!

 

It's been around 4 months since I broke up with my ex. There was no contact until around 2 weeks ago when I reached out for some closure. It didn't set me back at all, in fact I felt sort of relieved afterwards like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders because for so long I had been wondering why he changed. Of course he still had no answers for me but he made it clear that his life hasn't been all rainbows and butterflies. I came across strong and my emotions were in tact which I felt good about because before that, the last time we spoke I was an emotional mess.

 

I heard from a friend who decided to kindly (yeah right) drop in a conversation that my ex has been dating here and there. I won't lie it kind of hit me a little bit and I felt hurt, although I can't say much because I have been dating too. Maybe it's just my ego talking. I was more annoyed at my friend for telling me that info when I hadn't even asked about him.

 

Overall I do feel better but I still feel some hurt and pain. I've stopped thinking why wasn't I good enough, but I do find myself wondering sometimes as to why his feelings changed. He still couldn't give me an answer 4 months on so I know it's not necessarily anything I did. I don't really miss him as a person as he was controlling and very jealous (I've done a thread about it somewhere), but I do miss having him as a best friend and the company. People say all the time he's let a good one go.. I wonder if he realizes that also. But the main focus is me here and it has been for a long time and it will stay that way

 

Good for you Meli, glad you found some closure. I don't find I'm at a place where I can even consider contacting him. Even just hearing his voice made my heart pound like mad, one call and he'd be back in my life, and all the work I did would be for nothing.

 

I'm sure our exes have their regrets... but who cares really. All I've done past 3 years was think about how he felt. I'm done with that. It's us who are important, Meli. It's how you feel about yourself that matters, who cares what they think. Our ego plays a huge role in our healing process. I try really hard to keep mine in check particularly when it comes to relationship stuff cause man, my ego's got some issues haha

[Jemay]

It's so great to hear that you are getting your self-love/respect back. Sounds like you have been diligently working on yourself. Congratulations!!

 

That certainly gives all of us who've lost self respect in one form or another hope that we too shall regain our self worth and become better, stronger people. Good for you, it's very inspirational.

 

Thanks so much you two Feeling pretty strong emotionally, I'll not let him take that from me again.

Edited July 20, 2015 by Jemay

[54JA]

Good for you Meli, glad you found some closure. I don't find I'm at a place where I can even consider contacting him. Even just hearing his voice made my heart pound like mad, one call and he'd be back in my life, and all the work I did would be for nothing.

 

I'm sure our exes have their regrets... but who cares really. All I've done past 3 years was think about how he felt. I'm done with that. It's us who are important, Meli. It's how you feel about yourself that matters, who cares what they think. Our ego plays a huge role in our healing process. I try really hard to keep mine in check particularly when it comes to relationship stuff cause man, my ego's got some issues haha

 

Love this!!! Self-awareness and determination!! I am becoming a fan of yours!!! You went through some of the worse experiences, yet coming out a fighter. Like Gus said, this is really inspirational Jemay!!

[Jemay]

Love this!!! Self-awareness and determination!! I am becoming a fan of yours!!! You went through some of the worse experiences, yet coming out a fighter. Like Gus said, this is really inspirational Jemay!!

 

 

That put a HUGE smile on my face, thanks so much xox

[Meli22]

Jemay why did you guys split up?

 

Edit: just read the first page. You absolutely did the right thing!

[Jemay]

He just texted me from some number, obviously pissed I hadn't replied to his voice mails. I know... continue to ignore.... but I'm a bit shaken up, he sounded cold, and pretty much said his life is going better, hopes mine is, too, and he'll keep me in good memories. Kind of like a good bye, and yeah it's like feeling ****ty ALL OVER AGAIN, I'm totally sad, all this feels all raw again, he's still getting to me. From peoples experiences, is this it? Sounded like a good bye, and I suppose I'll ignore it, but it's gotten me all shaken up, and I'm just not emotionally up for that. I actually began texting back on automatic pilot before deleting. He's a man with a huge ego and lot of pride, I'm not certain if he'll let this go.... opinions?

[seasickpeeve]

He no doubt knows what he has put you through and knows himself that he has been abusive. With you leaving him you have broken the control he sees he had over you. This has probably shaken him to his core too as you have found the strength to leave and maybe he thought you never would. He may be able to sense he has little control now which may be why he didn't bother to contact you or when he has it's cold. He could actually be letting you go out of love and care knowing he can't give you the love you deserve because he's not capable of it.

 

But less about him. This is about you now and only you. Instead of loving and trying to help the little boy inside him that you were so empathic towards, start doing the same for the little girl inside you who has been through so much and needs your love.

 

Sounds like you are doing great x

[Jemay]

He no doubt knows what he has put you through and knows himself that he has been abusive. With you leaving him you have broken the control he sees he had over you. This has probably shaken him to his core too as you have found the strength to leave and maybe he thought you never would. He may be able to sense he has little control now which may be why he didn't bother to contact you or when he has it's cold. He could actually be letting you go out of love and care knowing he can't give you the love you deserve because he's not capable of it.

 

But less about him. This is about you now and only you. Instead of loving and trying to help the little boy inside him that you were so empathic towards, start doing the same for the little girl inside you who has been through so much and needs your love.

 

Sounds like you are doing great x

 

That made me cry, thanks so much for that. I'm stronger now, feel more in control, but I nearly texted back, if he even had tried a bit harder I might have given in, and that makes me feel not so strong. I suppose you're right, the little girl in me does need love so badly, and it's my job to address that, no one else, and it scares me cause I don't even know where to start. I suppose by not replying to him, I've begun already. It's all scary territory for me, I'm lonely, and it would have been so easy to talk to him, get a little love, even just the tiny bit he can offer. But I want more now.... big shiny love, not crumbs. This is a tough journey.... thanks so much for your kind words, even the love of a stranger can do powerful things, and I'm very appreciative, thank you x

[Jemay]

Today is my lowest of lowest days. I messed up. Got back with him. It was like the happy old times.... He was so nice, things were good for a bit. But I've had such anxiety with him leaving, he abandons me so quickly, angers so fast. I am terrified of him leaving as he had done it so many times. So I started acting crazy, crying, asking him to show me proof he cared, I acted like a lunatic. I'm so ashamed.

 

The first time I lost it, he was nice, but then every time he snapped at me, I became anxious, terrified, he'd leave again, leave me behind an emotional mess. But my fear and resentment over all he has done made me crazy. Panic attacks, crying, I don't even know who I was. And each time he said I'm pushing him away, to stop, but I couldn't stop, I didn't want him to leave, he wasn't even leaving but in my head it felt like it, and the more I panicked, the more he distanced himself.

 

All my calm hard earned self-respect gone. He thinks I'm crazy and he's right...

 

I was hysterical, and today he blocked me everywhere, I just wanted to talk, but he cut me off. I swear, this time around it was all me. I screwed it all up. I tried to be confident, tried so hard, but I'm an emotional basket case.

 

He just said we needed some space, so I could calm down, but I didn't hear it... I just flipped out more and more. And the more crazy I acted the more he blocked me. And now I'll probably never hear from him again. He didn't even want to leave.... my craziness made him leave.

 

God, I'm so ashamed. I did well without him. It took time and a lot of tears to get there but I've got to do it again. I wish I hadn't broken contact. I acted like a total nutcase. It's not like me at all. I never act like this in all my life. It's pathetic and I can't believe I'm sharing this with you LS....

 

No contact, day 1 tomorrow. I need support, please, please, if there are others starting no contact please talk to me, I need to know I'm not alone. I can't do this alone. Please anyone out there, please say hi, I'm totally losing it and freaking out. He's not even gonna contact me, my challenge is to not contact him and be a ****in nutcase. OMG!!! what is wrong with me?????

[theredpill]

There's nothing wrong with you tiger, we're just human, chin up

 

 

Dance those tears away baby, he doesn't deserve you!

 

 

I think Baz Luhrmann says it best...

 

 

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of '99, If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it wear sunscreen

 

The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists

Whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable

Than my own meandering experience, I will dispense this advice now

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind

You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth

Until they've faded but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back

At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now

How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked

You are not as fat as you imagine

Don't worry about the future

Or know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum

The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind

The kind that blindsides you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday

 

 

 

 

 

Do one thing every day that scares you

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts

Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours

Floss

Don't waste your time on jealousy

Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind

The race is long and in the end, it's only with yourself

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults, if you succeed in doing this, tell me how

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements

Stretch

 

 

 

 

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.

The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives

Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I know still don't

Get plenty of calcium

Be kind to your knees

You'll miss them when they're gone

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't

Maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't

Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the 'Funky Chicken'

On your 75th wedding anniversary

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much

Or berate yourself either

Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can

 

 

 

 

 

Don't be afraid of it or what other people think of it

It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own

Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your own living room

Read the directions even if you don't follow them

Do not read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly

 

 

 

 

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good

Be nice to your siblings, they're your best link to your past

And the people most likely to stick with you in the future

Understand that friends come and go

But a precious few, who should hold on

Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle

For as the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young

Live in New York City once but leave before it makes you hard

Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft

Travel

Accept certain inalienable truths

Prices will rise, politicians will philander, you, too, will get old

And when you do, you'll fantasize that when you were young

Prices were reasonable, politicians were noble

And children respected their elders

Respect your elders

 

 

 

 

Don't expect anyone else to support you

Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse

But you never know when either one might run out

Don't mess too much with your hair

Or by the time you're 40 it will look 85

Be careful whose advice you buy but be patient with those who supply it

Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past

From the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts

And recycling it for more than it's worth

But trust me on the sunscreen

[Phoenixashes]

Just breathe. I know you're feeling a lot. Anger. Fear. Despair. Many feelings of loss and regret

Been there...especially feeling "I was doing so good when I left and had the power. Now he left me and I ruined everything and lost all I worked for!"

 

Breathe. I promise you're not alone. Many of us have screwed up in many ways. We are human. See it as a new day...I'm on day two...screwed up by messaging. No reply even though it was an important event. Blow to the ego but perception changes that. Forget him. This is about you now.

[Jemay]

I can't eat, can't sleep, can't stop crying, I can't do all this over again.... I just wanted him to call, to stop the pain. I was willing to settle for nothing, just so I don't have to feel this pain again. I'll accept cruel words and screaming... if I just don't have to feel this pain of being abandoned again. I can't do this, just can't do it.. god why does it hurt so much?

[Jemay]

Why won't he feel pity, is he so disgusted with me? If he broke down like this I'd comfort him. I need him to call me to stop this, I can't do it on my own

[Jemay]

We talked all day, texted all day, I'm terrified of the silence... tomorrow morning there will not be a good morning darlin... there will be nothing, silence, I can't handle it :'(

[Phoenixashes]

I understand Jemay. You're in crisis mode right now. It's like a drug. You got help. Weaned off. Then took another hit. And then it was dragged from you.

 

Listen. You're in a negative frame of mind because all you are focusing on is loss and HOW you lost it. WHAT you lost is worthless. However, right now that loss was comfort for a long time, was reintroduced and you miss it.

 

You're also angry because of your hard work and failure and how it went from him screwing you over...you being strong and now HIM looking at you like YOU screwed up when all you've been was patient. ..loving. "oh, I mess up this one time and you throw me away when I need you?? After I gave chance after chance? I'd never do this to you!!"

 

Ride through it. I promise. You're stronger than you think. Things will calm. I promise. Right now, stop reaching out to him. Just sit. Breathe and focus.

[Jemay]

ok phoenix, i'll try..

[Sunshine09]

Hey Jemay

 

I was also in an abusive relationship and took my ex back after he begged and pleaded to which he then turned around and left me for another girl .

 

I am so sorry you are feeling this pain, I felt the same way a week or so ago when he told me that he no longer cared about me at all and blocked me on facebook and my number. I understand how much it sucks to have to do it all over again and the humiliation in the fact you let them back in your life and everything you worked so hard for seems to have been for nothing.

 

I felt the same as you and have gone crazy and acted totally insane at one point.

 

I'm ending day 6 of no contact and things do get a teeny bit easier <3

 

I know it doesn't feel like it but you are strong enough to do this again and you're gonna make it through it

[Jemay]

Thanks so much Sunshine, your words helped, I just can't seem to face this alone, I've done it before, NC, but this time around will be harder. Last time I left him he was a jerk. This time he was so nice again, sweet like he was in the beginning, and he called so much, more than he ever did before, and even just a week of this has me hooked into this routine of having him around, I'm so scared to wake up in the morning

 

He was sweet mostly but the rage inside him, I felt it, it was there, and I was so scared to trigger him, yet instead of staying calm, I did trigger him, more, and more, and more... I saw it happening, but couldn't stop.... I wonder if I made this all happen... cause deep inside I knew I was wrong to be back with him.....

 

I'm just terrified of waking to a silent phone tomorrow....

[54JA]

You are not alone, baby girl!! I have done this before too. I had the opportunity to be the one to leave, but instead, he left, time and time again, even though I knew that I didn't want to stay. I didn't take the chance to be the one to leave because I was terrified of the pain. The fear didn't abate despite the repeated breakups. The more breakups I experienced (with the same person), the fresher the memory of the pain became, the more afraid I became. I hated myself for not having the courage to take control and be the one to end it. I hated myself for letting the guy I grew to resent leave me. I hated myself for being so miserable without him. I hated myself for not having the inner resources to make myself happy.

 

All you can do right now is to focus on surviving each hour. Just surviving. Don't worry about feeling happy or content. Those are long term goals that will come with time. Don't feel bad for not feeling happy. You don't need anymore reason to feel bad.

 

You will survive the silent morning! I know you will. You've gone through it before. You will survive it again. That is all you have to do for now.

 

Hang in there.

[Jemay]

You are not alone, baby girl!! I have done this before too. I had the opportunity to be the one to leave, but instead, he left, time and time again, even though I knew that I didn't want to stay. I didn't take the chance to be the one to leave because I was terrified of the pain. The fear didn't abate despite the repeated breakups. The more breakups I experienced (with the same person), the fresher the memory of the pain became, the more afraid I became. I hated myself for not having the courage to take control and be the one to end it. I hated myself for letting the guy I grew to resent leave me. I hated myself for being so miserable without him. I hated myself for not having the inner resources to make myself happy.

 

All you can do right now is to focus on surviving each hour. Just surviving. Don't worry about feeling happy or content. Those are long term goals that will come with time. Don't feel bad for not feeling happy. You don't need anymore reason to feel bad.

 

You will survive the silent morning! I know you will. You've gone through it before. You will survive it again. That is all you have to do for now.

 

Hang in there.

 

Feel like I let myself down, and you too, you were so proud, made me feel so good, had you seen me today, you'd have shaken your head. I feel destroyed today, I can't even think straight, nothing makes sense, I want to sleep and not wake up... survive... I got no choice unfortunately... my girl is back, wondering why my face is so puffy, and I can't even talk to her cause all I can manage is cry... my poor kid.... Thanks JA for being so supportive, and for not being disappointed in me, I messed up big time.. x

[54JA]

I am not disappointed in you at all!! You are just being human. I cannot, and will not judge you for doing the things I've also done. Although I hated myself at the time for not leaving when I should have, now that the time has past and I am completed out, it does not matter how the relationship ended. Now that the time has past, it does not matter how undignified I was towards the end of our relationship. The important thing for me was that, whatever needed to happen for me to get out, happened, and that I was out.

 

I know it's really dark and really terrifying right now. Like I said, you only have to focus on surviving for now. I am still proud of you for posting and being honest. I am still proud of you for hanging in there and confronting your fear. YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS!!

[Jemay]

Today is my day 1 of NC. Last time around I kept little doors open for him, like my email, and his home number wasn't blocked on my phone. I'll not let that happen again.

 

I woke up shaky, scared, terrified really. I love this man, I know that. I also know he's bad for me. And as much as I want him, he'll always reduce me to a pathetic mess of tears and self-doubt. So I took a Valium and blocked him... everywhere. There's no way he can contact me now. And I'm gonna try my best to not obsess about him. He's gone now and I've got to just accept that.

 

So that part is done. Now to keep staying on that path is the challenge. I've blocked him so many times, just to unblock him 5 minutes later. That's how nuts I am.

 

So I'm really gonna need some NC buddies, to keep me on track, cause I'm scared I'll break. Just some people to check in every day. I was on a forum when I quit smoking and my quit buddies helped tons and I'm actually still friends with them 7 years later. So please, if you're scared like me, say hi, I don't want to do this alone. xx

[Jemay]

THere is no help for me, I've ****ing insane, I jsut called him, called, and called and he just hung up, why am I so crazy, omg, I'm losing it