Feeling Lost and Rejected - Irrational Emotions from Ex

June 28, 2015

I'm trying to understand why I am having nothing but confused emotions towards a girl that left me for a chance with being with her ex boyfriend. The last couple of days I have went through and tried to analyze why she feels this way towards her ex boyfriend despite how they have broken up numerous times and most likely will not work out. She acknowledges this and tells me she is not emotionally put together well because its been two years since they broken up and she still can't get over him. She says she is mentally unstable when it comes to relationships and wishes she could just get over him once and for all. I can't understand how this can be real... It is destroying me trying to figure out a girl I thought I knew. I thought she was a catch being pretty, smart, career driven and fun.

If you want more details I wrote another post that was way too long for anyone to read.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/535083-why-can-t-i-understand-break-up-over-feelings-ex-boyfriend#post6402150

Short Version

I went out with this girl knowing that she had some feelings for her ex boyfriend a month into the relationship. We addressed it when I discovered it and I thought I was satisfied because she said she wanted nothing to do with him and wanted to get over him. At that point I was happy with her because I felt like she was an amazing girl despite this small issue.

We dated for 6 months before the relationship went into an LDR for 9 months. She told me her concerns about the LDR but felt our love was strong enough for us to get through it. 5 months into the LDR, she returns back from her home emotionally destroyed because all she could think about was her ex boyfriend. She tells me how guilty she felt at home having these feelings. She also tells me that she cannot love me as much as I love her when she keeps thinking about her ex. We break up and I just kind of put my thoughts behind me about it and leave it alone.

Two months later I talk to her to see if she had some time to think it through (she had messaged me a couple times after the breakup). She tells me she is going to return back home before I return. She tells me that she is a mess. That she is in love with someone that doesn't love her back and she can't move on. What really screws with me is that she proceeds to tell me that before I left she was ready to think about me as the guy she wanted to spend her life with. That when she went home everything fell apart and her feelings changed drastically. She asked me what if that happens again and tells me she doesn't trust herself to be with anyone right now especially me.

I feel pretty low and rejected because she left me for another guy. She says that we could never get back together because she failed the relationship and has feelings for her ex and always will. What kills me is that we messaged back and forth as I tried to figure out how she could feel this way despite the feelings she had for me. After making points about how she is only going to set herself up to be miserable, her only reasoning is its her emotions. She says I'm right but these feelings have persisted for over two years and were subdued when I was there for her. I just cannot understand her confusing emotions. It has made me feel like I'm a failure because she acknowledges how much love she felt when we were together but ultimately she picked her ex that made her feel unique and special. I'm having a hard time accepting this irrational emotion. I feel like if I didn't leave for 9 months, things would have been different. Why is it so hard to accept her reasoning? What can I do?

Edited June 28, 2015 by steve5678

June 28, 2015

If a woman tells you she is unstable in relationships, and not over her ex, then WHAT DID YOU EXPECT????

The woman is the walking wounded, and you expected her to sprint a mile. Perhaps you thought your love could heal her. This belongs in the movies, its not real life. Only the adult individual can heal oneself.

Learn from this, don't go for women who aren't over their ex and confess to being unstable. I actually respect her for this, so many people lie to get what they want. Check in with yourself to see if you're ready for a relationship, before getting into one.

June 28, 2015

Yep, I completely agree with the response above. Don't get involve with unstable girls or which are not over their exes. The relationship was probably doomed since the beginning. Try to put yourself together, learn from the lesson and next time commit to someone who can give you their 100%.

A big hug for you my friend.

June 28, 2015

Thanks for the responses. She didn't tell me about the instability until after we broke up when she was trying to explain why she cannot get over he ex boyfriend. When I saw the messages from her ex, I knew it was a red flag. However, after being with her for a month, I was already attracted to her. I wanted to give her a chance since everything was going so well.

I guess I have a hard time accepting that she is unstable. That she is able to go back to someone she dated over 2 years ago on the chance that he might take her back. I know in the back of my mind that this was a ticking time bomb, but I keep thinking that I was at fault in someway for the relationship ending. The question that bothers me is how can she so easily dismiss everything we felt and have done on this chance? And why is she not lying to try to keep me as a pickup if it doesn't work?

She said she knows that it wouldn't work out with us because of everything that has happened. If she stayed here she knows it might be good for a month when I return, but ultimately I'll always second guess her and the relationship will fail. She also said she would rather be alone than live with the guilt of being with another great guy while she has feelings for her ex. Is this just rare honest behavior?

July 16, 2015

It's been a few weeks, and I feel like I'm driving myself crazy with how she feels and my inability to speak with her face to face. I feel like the emotions and her reaction would be completely different if we were able to see each other.

I'm deployed and away from home, and since I left I was looking forward to being with her again. I'm returning shortly, however, she is finishing a few weeks before I get home so she has no reason to stay here.

I keep thinking she is not really in love with this guy, that she is really just in love with the relationship she had with him. When I asked her why she is hopelessly in love with him, she said he made her feel like she was the center of the world. I think the breakup was a way for her cope with what I couldn’t currently give her. I knew it was going to chip away at her because of the suddenness of me leaving. For the last 6 months she was becoming more and more sad until it finally happened.

I can't help but feel like I am at fault for this, and that I can somehow make her realize she really isn't in love with this guy. I mean can she really be in love with someone she broke up with 2 years ago? He's literally a different person from what she dated 2 years ago.

July 16, 2015

It's been a few weeks, and I feel like I'm driving myself crazy with how she feels and my inability to speak with her face to face. I feel like the emotions and her reaction would be completely different if we were able to see each other.

I'm deployed and away from home, and since I left I was looking forward to being with her again. I'm returning shortly, however, she is finishing a few weeks before I get home so she has no reason to stay here.

I keep thinking she is not really in love with this guy, that she is really just in love with the relationship she had with him. When I asked her why she is hopelessly in love with him, she said he made her feel like she was the center of the world. I think the breakup was a way for her cope with what I couldn’t currently give her. I knew it was going to chip away at her because of the suddenness of me leaving. For the last 6 months she was becoming more and more sad until it finally happened.

I can't help but feel like I am at fault for this, and that I can somehow make her realize she really isn't in love with this guy. I mean can she really be in love with someone she broke up with 2 years ago? He's literally a different person from what she dated 2 years ago.

how she feels and what she does isn't your problem to figure out .. Sometimes we just gotta chalk it up as a loss it you will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out why someone acts the way they do .. I am saying this because my ex if 3 years has moved on after only 4 months , I can sit here and wonder why why why . But it's not about her anymore it's about me and healing .. People do what they do because they wanna .. Just move on as hard as it seems right now but you will only hurt yourself if you keep on the road you are

July 16, 2015

I think my issue is I feel like everything would be different if we could see each other again. I knew the departure was going to chip away at her because of the suddenness of me leaving. I knew it would be much harder for her to deal with me leaving her behind for work. For the last 6 months she was becoming more and more sad until she broke. She went home, places reminded her of her ex, she felt even worst that I still wasn't with her, and began thinking about the past. I think it was a way to cope with how depressed she was for the last 6 months. Then she felt guilty and told me how she kept thinking about him.

I keep thinking that if she saw me firsthand, she would realize why she was thinking about me as the one. That, because of the deployment, she has become distant at the stress everyone feels. I know it was tough on her because I've been gone longer than we dated. I knew deploying, that the chance of us breaking up was high because of the stress. I figured if the time came, we would be able to see each other face to face and talk it over.

I could just give up, but I keep thinking that there is a chance I can make her realize why she is feeling the way she is feeling... of course I can be completely wrong about her emotions, however, the only way she describes it is by saying she has tried to get over him the last two years and has failed. She said once she fell in love with me she was good, and her emotions crashed when she went home. She says she thinks shes emotionally unstable when it comes to relationships which I think is just her reasoning to label the extreme emotions she felt from my departure.

July 16, 2015

You really can't change anyone's feelings and talking about things of that nature so soon, is just the start of a train wreck, she's damaged goods, like we all are during those times.

It was your job to take her out, hang out and have fun, forget all that shenanigans, but instead you're discussing depressing subjects neither you or her can control. You didn't put them to bed, you made a non issue into an issue (from her perspective).

Sorry to be so blunt, I've made the same mistakes as a younger guy and many more as an older bloke. You live, you learn and it always gets better in time

July 16, 2015

What do you mean by I made a non issue into an issue (from her perspective)?

I feel this desire to fight for her... It's so difficult dealing with this from so far away. I wish I could comprehend that I cannot change her feelings, but I feel like if she understands exactly how I feel, how she's confusing her feelings for love that we can make it work.

She told me she would regret if she didn't try again... That she has been thinking of him for 2 years. That it was only when we were together that she was happy and forgot about him. Maybe she cannot be helped? Is it possible she is really this messed up?

July 16, 2015

What do you mean by I made a non issue into an issue (from her perspective)?

I feel this desire to fight for her... It's so difficult dealing with this from so far away. I wish I could comprehend that I cannot change her feelings, but I feel like if she understands exactly how I feel, how she's confusing her feelings for love that we can make it work.

She told me she would regret if she didn't try again... That she has been thinking of him for 2 years. That it was only when we were together that she was happy and forgot about him. Maybe she cannot be helped? Is it possible she is really this messed up?

Anytime you think like that, remember this: She already knows exactly how you feel.

Rebound relationships are extremely tough to break free from, because of the immense amount of emotion they contained. But, you have to remember, that now amount of that emotion exists now on her side. Her heart belongs to another guy and it matters not how good or bad that person is/was to her. Only she can come to terms with her feelings.

She knows where she stands with you...

July 16, 2015

I understand what you're saying. I feel like I failed her and let her go when I could have fixed this. She was upset that after we originally broke up that I went NC for about 2 months. She didn't understand why I cared all of a sudden. When I contacted her. She had made her decision to go home and pursue this relationship because she thought I didn't care. I thought she needed space, and I didn't want to make the situation worst by begging for her back or looking this closely at her emotions.

She came to terms with her feelings, but I believe she came to that belief based on the assumption that I didn't care after we broke up, that she burnt down her only bridge with me by thinking about her ex and failing to keep the relationship going through the 9 months of separation.

July 16, 2015

I understand what you're saying. I feel like I failed her and let her go when I could have fixed this. She was upset that after we originally broke up that I went NC for about 2 months. She didn't understand why I cared all of a sudden. When I contacted her. She had made her decision to go home and pursue this relationship because she thought I didn't care. I thought she needed space, and I didn't want to make the situation worst by begging for her back or looking this closely at her emotions.

She came to terms with her feelings, but I believe she came to that belief based on the assumption that I didn't care after we broke up, that she burnt down her only bridge with me by thinking about her ex and failing to keep the relationship going through the 9 months of separation.

I call bull****. This is typical of some people, to make someone else the bad guy.

Remember when I was all in love with my ex, and I said that I couldn't love you? Well, we broke up and so I figured you didn't care about me, so I decided to chase after my ex. Then I found out my ex doesn't really love me, but I love him, so what's a girl supposed to do? Remember when I was all in love with my ex? I thought you were the one I was supposed to spend my life with.

Let me repeat. BULL****.

There's only one reason you can't see this for what it is, and that is because jilted people take on guilt for the relationship failing. Well guess what? You could not have "fixed" her irrational fixation on her ex. All of the devotion in the world doesn't change that.

Small issue

1) What you need to do is next time you hook up with a girl who is still pining over her boyfriend is to make sure it stays nothing more than a hookup. It's fine to be a boy-toy that might help a girl forget her ex, but never invest your emotions into someone going through that.

2) Given that you're pining over this one, be very careful with whomever you date next. Don't pass this disease along to her, because pretty soon, the whole world is miserable and lonely for someone they can't have.

Edited July 16, 2015 by mightycpa

July 17, 2015

The thing that you're overlooking is that, even though she said the only time she was happy was when you two were together, she STILL left to be with him. She's got some hangup about what happened with them, and until that's resolved, she's not going to be interested in anyone else, you included. You of all people should understand that feeling, it's exactly what you're going through with her. How interested would YOU be in another relationship right now? Not very, she'd still be foremost in your mind, I'd guess. That's right where she is with her ex...

I know you think being face-to-face would make all the difference, but that's just typical post-breakup thinking. People try to pin the problems on one aspect of the breakup (like you and your deployment, or her going home and seeing reminders of him or whatever) thinking that solving that one thing will fix the relationship. But it isn't true. You could have as many face-to-face conversations as you wanted, and she still would want to be with him. The issue isn't lack of time spent between you two, it's just that she'd rather not be with you. Besides, I'm sure there's plenty of people deployed along with you who aren't having any issues with their relationships as a result, right? If both people want to make it work,no amount of separation will matter.

The golden rule is, if someone wants to be with you, nothing will stop them.

July 18, 2015

I know you're both right. I wrote her a long letter a week ago after I thought about everything that had occurred. The letter's intent to tell her I think her depressed emotions made her feel like she was still in love with her ex. I truly think she is just in love with the relationship because she broke up with this guy numerous times before.

I told her how I felt, how I thought everything didn't work out because of the deployment. I told her it’s more convenient for her to think shes still in love with him because of the circumstances she is in (depressed, wanting to go home to be with her family, etc.) When she got back, she used the rationality of being helplessly in love to cope with the depression, guilt she was feeling, and to get over me. This made it easier to deal with the pain of throwing what we had away and dealing with the belief that she absolutely failed me with no way of coming back.

She didn't have anything to say but eventually told me she wants to defend herself but can't find a way to logically put it. She told me that she wishes I never left but it's too late. That we cannot change what happened. That if she tries to explain I will only be more confused. Eventually she indirectly said she no idea what she is doing. I told her she had other options, that she just needs to see the reality of the situation, but she doesn't want to think about it. I know she's afraid that she's going to second guess herself and I think she realizes it too. I know it's on her to figure herself out. I just have a hard time accepting that she can't handle thinking about it or discussing what I said.

July 28, 2015

What do you mean by I made a non issue into an issue (from her perspective)?

I feel this desire to fight for her... It's so difficult dealing with this from so far away. I wish I could comprehend that I cannot change her feelings, but I feel like if she understands exactly how I feel, how she's confusing her feelings for love that we can make it work.

She told me she would regret if she didn't try again... That she has been thinking of him for 2 years. That it was only when we were together that she was happy and forgot about him. Maybe she cannot be helped? Is it possible she is really this messed up?

Old thread but I'll add to it.

You can't fight for anyone in life. Only YOURSELF. Its up to the if they want to enjoy the ride with you or not.

August 8, 2015

Well. It's been three weeks and I hit a moment of weakness and contacted her to congratulate her on graduating. She thanked me and that was it. I know that this is because I am isolated right now, but I'm thinking of her, and the fact that I will never see her again. I want to talk to her before she is gone for good.

After the letter we talked back and forth about her feelings and whatnot. She told me that breakups shouldn't involve anything more than telling the other person that they will never work out. She then goes on to say that I don't need to know that she has no idea what she is doing. Then she said she still have feelings for me and talking about all this makes her doubt her decision to go home and try things with her ex. But she doesn't like that because she truly hope that things work out this time with them.

So yeah... I know deep down inside it's a lost cause. I know its breakup thinking, but I revert to the belief that if I was home one month earlier we would be able to make things work. I'm not sure with everything that I know if I actually love her or if my ego is just bruised. That I'm beating myself up over the split and I want to reconcile to feel in power again... I don't know how to rid myself of that feeling.

August 8, 2015

So yeah... I know deep down inside it's a lost cause.

I was so unraveled when I was faced with that truth. It was like watching sand slip through my fingers and nothing I could do would stop it. I felt hopeless and that feeling overwhelmed me.

She's dust in your eyes, you gotta blink it away. You need to muster up the courage to move on and NEVER look back.

August 10, 2015

Well... I talked to my ex. I couldn't help but think that this was my last opportunity to turn things around. She made me realize something that I refused to accept because I kept hoping my emotions would progress. I wasn't deeply in love with her.

She told me she knew I wasn't crazy about her, that it was ok, because everything else was so good, and she felt like it was a good compromise. She said it was ok at the time that when I looked at her I didn't make her heart stop. It wasn't until I deployed that she realized that it wasn't ok. She doesn't really think her relationship with her ex will work, but that's the type of relationship she wanted with me. She would rather love be in love completely, and fight with someone all the time and be dysfunctional because at least it feels real. That maybe we just never would have that love. She told me she would have stayed here in a heartbeat if she really felt like I meant something to her..

I know she's right. I didn't love her like my GF before her. I don't know why I wasn't crazy about her... she is gorgeous, is about to start an amazing career, and we connected very well. We would spend all this time together having fun and I felt like I could talk to her and she would understand me like no other... which is big for me.

She is my second girlfriend. So why didn't I love her? Is there something wrong with me? I wanted the type of relationship with her. Why couldn't I commit to that level? Am I missing a crucial ingredient to love? I feel so lost and confused.

Edited August 10, 2015 by steve5678

August 11, 2015

She is my second girlfriend. So why didn't I love her? Is there something wrong with me? I wanted the type of relationship with her. Why couldn't I commit to that level? Am I missing a crucial ingredient to love? I feel so lost and confused.

Why? Because love is rare. Don't look for love, just let it find you. You'll be a lot happier that way.

August 11, 2015

That makes sense but would love come naturally even if I was guarding my heart because of a recent breakup (4 months before we started dating, still had some hurt emotions), and because of the discovery of her ex-BF/ knowing she had a desire to go home to be with her family(I'm not sure I was willing to make such a huge change in my life to be with her when I had my own desire to go home to be with family, friends, and start a career). I think I wanted to take things slow, but it's been so long since I've been with her that I don't understand my emotions towards her.

I know I miss her, and all I can think about is how we were before I left. Talking to her on skype the other night reminded me of all the things I enjoyed about her (this was after the 2 hour depressing conversation about how we felt). After catching up, telling stories, and joking, she pointed out how unhealthy this is for us. I agreed, it was bittersweet.

I don't know if I wasn't crazy in love with her because I wouldn't allow myself or because we just didn't have that connection. Is it possible that we could be great together, but not in love? I never felt that gut wrenching feeling of love and the desire that I would do anything to be with this girl and to marry her. Would that feeling have broken through my guarded heart if we truly had that connection or was my mindset self destructive and prevented me from feeling it?

Edited August 11, 2015 by steve5678

August 12, 2015

Days later and I still feel confused. I haven't talked to her since then and I won't again. I just don't understand how I could go through this relationship like I did and now have all these confused feelings. Can someone seem perfect... but not perfect for me?

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Feeling Lost and Rejected - Irrational Emotions from Ex

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