Why Can't I Understand? - Break Up Over Feelings For Ex Boyfriend

[steve5678]

Hi everyone. I find myself back here again after another breakup that involves another guy. I met this girl last July (3 months after my breakup with my previous exgirlfriend of 2 years). The previous relationship left me in heartbroken, and I felt that I was incredibly lucky to find this girl who was a great catch. She and I were both from two different states and were together on the west coast because of my job and because she was going to school. I knew she had some issues with her ex boyfriend but I choose to ignore it because of my feelings for her and her assurance that she wanted nothing to do with him and only wanted closure from him. I had three issues with looking at our long term part of the relationship:

 

Everything was going great. We shared some great moments for the next 6 months. I kept my heart very guarded because I didn't want to be hurt like my previous relationship but I finally told her I loved her about 4 months in where she told me she had felt the same for awhile now. Out of nowhere I find out on short notice that my job was going to place me across the world for 9 months. This obviously created some heartbreak by the fact that we both knew I would be gone longer than we have dated, yet we felt a lot of love for one another and thought we could make it through it. I left and she remained with the intention of waiting for me to return. She felt nothing but heartbreak once I was gone. She became very pessimistic and miserable with her feelings. She was depressed that I was gone and she found herself crying constantly and wishing I had never left. She related to it by saying she felt like she was dealing with a breakup.

 

Around 4 months in she went back home for spring break and she hit a tipping point of depression. All she could think about when she was home was her ex boyfriend because of the familiar places. She felt guilty, and overwhelmed by her feelings. She told me this while she was there, and once she returned I tried to talk to her about how the separation is really getting to her. I wrote her a letter telling her how much I loved her and she replied that she can't love me like I love her when she keeps thinking about him. We broke up from it with her assuring me that we could meet up one I return to talk things through. At the time I felt fine. I wanted to give her freedom to figure things out and we could meet up and talk in person instead of trying to communicate over skype and the phone.

 

After 2 months I finally contacted her after I saw she became friends with her ex boyfriend on facebook. 3 weeks before I contacted her she messaged me telling me that she wished I never left, so I figure she still has strong feelings for me. When I message her she tells me that she is going home because she has no reason to stay. Despite saying she wanted to stay until I came home, she said that once we broke up it seemed like things were over from both our ends. She asked me if I still wanted to meet up and I tell her I want her to stay here so we can meet up with the possibility of resuming things. She then opens up and tells me that she is a mess. She is in love with someone that doesn't love her back and she can't move on. What really screws with me is that she proceeds to tell me that before I left she was ready to think about me as the guy she wanted to spend her life with. That when she went home everything fell apart and her feelings changed drastically. She asked me what if that happens again and tells me she doesn't trust herself to be with anyone right now especially me.

 

I talk to her on the phone a few days later and pour my heart out to her. She was upset that I was so passive 2 months ago when we first broke up. She felt like I didn't care (I did, I just didn't want to seem needy), and felt that by the time we ended our relationship we were ending more of an agreement. She felt most of the mourning over the relationship happened the 4 months before it ended while I was gone. She tells me that she feels like she has failed me. The relationship failed because she couldn't hold onto 9 months and she let emotions for another guy get in the way. I asked her how she could let this guy get in the way of the relationship and she explains to me how everything was subdued while I was with her but once she went back home her feelings reemerged. We talked for 2 hours about this but basically she thinks she is not emotionally put together well. She wants what she cannot have even though she knows it won't work out for her. She says she has relationship problems and I should take the advice of other people and run while I have the chance. It destroys me to hear her say this. The same girl I dreamed about returning to, who would constantly tell me how much she loved me and was counting down the days until I returned.

 

I am here until September and she leaves to go home in August. It kills me to know that I will most likely never see her again. All I can think about is the loving girl that I left, and the memories we had. Why am I having such a hard time letting this go? She doesn't understand why I am willing to look past the fact that she let the relationship fail because she has feelings for her ex boyfriend. I felt the same feelings that she told me before of being the girl I wanted to spend my life with before I had to leave. She has been incredibly honest and forward because as she puts it we would not get back together because she knows I would not accept someone who let a relationship fail because of feelings for another guy. She said if I had done this to her, she would never speak to me again. She asked me if I felt if I could be accepting of that behavior and I didn't answer her. Deep down inside I know that I'm not accepting of it. I'm stuck thinking that there is a way out of this bad situation where we will be back to having the feelings we had before I left. What am I blinded by?

 

Why do I have such a hard time accepting the end of this relationship?

Why do I feel like I would be possibly willing to forgive her for her feelings for her ex boyfriend if it meant giving it another try with her?