Who's the Victim? Him or Me?

[DesertDweller]

Thank you all for your advice. I should have used a word other than "victim" so as not to offend some of you. I am a sucker. His daughter is a victim. And I think he and his wife deserve each other. BTW, Giver, what makes you think my love life hasn't been awful up to now anyway? Every man I've ever been with , except one, has cheated on me. And I don't think it's because I'm a bad person, I think it's because I make stupid choices. That's the whole reason for this forum, right?--to ask for help in making better choices. What's your reason for being here?

[DesertDweller]

Let me clarify--the men who cheated on me were not married--we were in a committed (or so I thought) relationship. This is the first time I've played the role of the OW.

[JanieQP]

Originally posted by DesertDweller

I should have used a word other than "victim"

 

Yeah, "victim" is a pretty loaded word. I'm getting in here late, but what I want to throw in is that, your compassion for his situation notwithstanding, you need to take care of your own well-being first and foremost. Which I think you're trying to do, by coming here and hashing things out and posting and asking questions.

 

You know when you're on an airplane, before takeoff there's the security blurb ... they always say, "in case of emergency, first put on your own oxygen mask and then help children/others." (Sorry, paraphrased, I always tune out or I would have it memorized ...) I think that's true here. What's the best solution for =you= in this situation?

[MiChick43]

Desert,

I agree with the fact that unless you have seen his wife abuse him physically it may just be an attention seeking ploy on his part.

 

When my ex cheated on me and I found out and confronted the OW she told me I was some kind of psychoBi$*ch from he)). Like Record Producer stated this woman may just be reacting. I reacted with anger and hurt. I threw things, busted things, cried and yelled. But that was not my normal behavior. I was told by the OW that he said I was never there for him and I was having an affair myself. BS! I was there for him all the time, and I never cheated. I treated him like a king. But he still cheated and the OW believed his crap. Until he moved in with her and then cheated on her.

 

MM say things to get women to feel sorry for them, to get them into bed. I cant say all MM do this. Not to offend anyone but if a MM or MW is sincere about any relationship they would have only ONE relationship.

 

As far as being there for this man. I would walk and let them handle their situation on their own. I am not judging you. I comend you for not sleeping with him.

Good luck.

[MiChick43]

and I think he and his wife deserve each other

 

 

Desert! Someone special will come along for you! I am in a wonderful relationship now. After being cheated on and treated like crap not only by my ex but by his OW. I comend you for moving forward. I took two years off from dating and did things just for me, education, vacation, self improvement. All this did wonders. Maybe two years is a long time for most, but a few months may not hurt? You have a good head on your shoulders . There are good ones left.

 

MiChick

[DesertDweller]

Thank you both! I'm going to take the advice and get out now. It's hard to accept that a friend--because that's what I thought he was--was only manipulating me. I genuinely liked him as a person. Sure makes me feel stupid. But if I leave first, I can salvage what's left of my dignity. BTW, it's a great idea to take time off from men to work on my own issues. Thanks!

[SweetSerenity]

Hey DD,

 

I'm getting in here late again, I don't normally come around much anymore because I too thought this forum was for advice and not getting bashed. I think you're doing the right thing by getting out of it, I truly do. I cut my exMM out of my life roughly about a week or so ago. Though it isn't going to be easy, there are days in which I do think about him and I think "well I'll just call and see how he is doing", I look at my phone and then I remember why I went NC with him in the first place.

 

I think by getting out now you'll save yourself a lot of heartache. I got off easy cause I didn't really have much of an emotional attachment to mine. So I'm lucky. However mine pretty much did the same thing yours is doing. Lied out his ass, a lot. But then I would catch him in contradictory statements. Goodluck to you and be strong, you can do it .

[RecordProducer]

Good girl, Desert!

You know whenever I meet a married guy, he wants to get in my pants. If I liked them, I guess I might believe in whatever stories they'd tell me. A human being is a believer by nature. But indeed if his wife were so bad, he would talk about leaving her, right?

He wants you to be his mistress, that's obvious and that's a very selfish wish he made.

Once I was flirting with a guy who turned out to be married. Five minutes after he told me he had a son and I realized that he was married, I mentioned his wife and he said "I never see my wife!", which was a total and disgusting lie, because at the end of the working day, at 5 pm, I heard a female voice calling him and he said he was coming home for dinner "right now." I am sure if we continued the story, I would have heard all kinds of nasty things about his wife, while he would be using me for sex and fun.

Generally in the OW/OM forum, the OW is considered a victim. The wife is an unimportant negative figure that stands in the OW's way to happiness. The MM is an angel who is forced to cheat on his wife, because the evil witch put a spell on him that if he leaves his wife, she will turn him into a mouse. So he can't leave the evil woman who hates him for the angelic OW who he is madly and incurably in love with. If anyone mentions a word against the MM, the OW starts spitting flame as how painful the whole situation is, but she doesn't seem to comprehend what's going on.

Go to the posts where women write about their husbands cheating on them. Everyone is on her side. Nobody questions her qualities as a wife. Because the commonly accepted rule is: if you're not happy with your marriage then get divorced, but don't cheat on your spouse! What kind of a stupid thought is one like "their marriage was over 10 years ago"?!?!? But they didn't divorce so an OW was supposed to show up to break the marriage? Oh, no, the marriage was broken already. Or at least that's what the MM says while the wife doesn't even know that her marriage is "broken."

MM lie to their wives on a daily basis about lots of things in order to cover themselves. They have sex with their wives (no matter what they say to the OW) and with the OW as well. They live their double lives and enjoy them while hurting two women at the same time.

MM who cheat are selfish scum and the OW usually gets hurt at the end which proves my accusations on MM's account.

Get out of a friendship with a MM where you have feelings for him and he has feelings for you! It doesn't smell like a happy end whatsoever. You don't want to be with someone who cheats on his wife. You don't want to marry someone who has cheated on his wife in the past. You don't want to be the reason for someone's divorce, do you? If their marriage is so bad they will eventually split.