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Posted
He just texted me to make sure I had made it home safely. I don't get this guy. Now that the date is over I get attention?

Gaeta,

Doesn't matter age range.

So many red flags with this guy.

1 1/2 late? Really?

Bad jazz?

This guy is a selfish manipulator.

Early dating push-pull=MANIPULATION.

Waste of your time. IMO

 

just a country boy's opinion Gaeta....

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)
Gaeta,

Doesn't matter age range.

So many red flags with this guy.

1 1/2 late? Really?

Bad jazz?

This guy is a selfish manipulator.

Early dating push-pull=MANIPULATION.

Waste of your time. IMO

 

just a country boy's opinion Gaeta....

 

Agree with lgspot. 1.5 hous late? That's just rude. I hope to god he at least had the courtesy to let you know he would be late. If not, your bad for waiting. I wouldn't have.

 

And nevermind that he texted you after the date...IMO he was just being polite....going through the motions. What's important are his actions while "on" the date. Folding his arms across his chest? Complaining about the music, and the comment about the *cute* guys? No kiss? WTF.

 

TBH....does not sound like there was much of an attraction on either side....him OR you. Blah is right.

 

Next.

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted

I would not have tolerated the 1.5 hour lateness. That is unacceptable if a definitive meeting time was set.

 

If he does it again, he's toast.

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Posted
I had a first date last Tuesday. Nice gentleman, 47, business owner, father of a daughter 17, single for a couple of years, he's perfect on paper and we had a good decent date. He kept in touch daily and we have our 2nd date planned for tonight.

 

Here's what has been bugging me.

 

He is from France and moved here 4 years ago. His ex-wife of 15 years cheated on him 4 years ago. He divorced, lawyered up and got full custody of his 13 years old (13 at the time). He then moved here with his daughter, a continent away, uprooting his child of 13. She is an ocean away from her mother, grand-parents, and all family members of both sides and he did this to be as far as possible from his ex....

 

Would that bother you as much as it bothers me?

 

When I posted that yes, it would bother me I didn't have time to elaborate but what stuck out to me was his seeming lack of consideration for his daughter and her relatives (on both sides of the family).

She was just 13, a horrible time for a young girl to be ripped away from what she knows and who she knows and loves.

He is a business owner, either the business was built in France and transferred over to Canada simply and easily or he built a new business up since being in Canada. Business owners don't 'tend' to have a lot of time for simply 'being Dad' or 'being Mum'. I suspect she has had to grow through these last four years fairly alone and with outside help which is not the same as having your family around you.

Gaining full custody is one thing. I wonder whether the courts were aware that he was going to move 1000's of miles away though.

 

He has said he won't interfere (was it 'if' or 'the times when') her Mum wants to see her.

I wonder whether they have been back for a trip at all, even to see his family.

 

He was an hour and a half late.

If that had been me I wouldn't have expected a guy to wait that long for me. If a guy had I would apologise profusely. Did he apologise?

 

I'm just back at the feeling that he has a lack of consideration/empathy for others.

 

I wouldn't see him again as that's a trait I dislike.

Posted
Crossing

 

Arms can act as the doorway to the body and the self. When they are crossed, they form a closed defensive shield, blocking out the outside world. Shields act in two ways: one is to block incoming attacks and the other is a place behind which the person can hide and perhaps not be noticed.

Crossed arms may thus indicate anxiety which is either driven by a lack of trust in the other person or an internal discomfort and sense of vulnerability (that may, for example, be rooted in childhood trauma).

The extent of crossing indicates how firmly closed the person is. This may range from a light cross to arms folded to arms wrapped around the person. An extreme version which may indicate additional hostility is a tight close with hands formed as fists. If legs are crossed also then this adds to the signal.

The hands in an arm-cross may also be used to hold the person in a reassuring self-hug, for example holding upper arms in a folded-arms position or wrapped around the torso, holding the sides. If the thumbs are up, this may indicate some approval or agreement with what is being said.

Crossed arms, especially when holding one another can show the person to be trying to keep themselves still. This can be to suppress any signals. It may also indicate repressed anger (I have to hold myself to prevent myself hitting you). In some cultures it also signals that the person is holding themself still so they can pay greater attention to you (and is hence a compliment).

Crossed arms, especially in a folded position can just mean the person is feeling comfortable, especially if there is little tension elsewhere in the body. Comfort indicates a lack of fear which may come from being with friends or may be because they feel sufficiently powerful to handle any attacks as they appear. Folded arms with a little more tension may indicate that the person is feeling judgemental.

When arms are not crossed, they expose the torso and the person, making them more vulnerable. This signifies comfort that often indicates trust. It can also be power position that dares the other person to attack whilst knowing that the other person dare not.

Crossed arms is a very obvious signal and if you do it in front of other people they will likely feel rejected and respond accordingly (including not agreeing with you).

Note that not all crossed arms are defensive, for example when the person is relaxed (as indicated above). Crossed arms are also used when the person is cold (this is typically done with hands tucked under armpits to keep them warm).

A common method sales people use with a customer in order to break the customer's crossed-arms closed position is to give the person something to hold or otherwise ask them to use their hands.

Arm body language

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Posted

Elaine, I was thinking about that too.

One thing which is possible is that he became defensive about being late if Gaeta said something about it. I know I would have done.

However, I think that if he apologised and meant it then the folded arms would have given way to a much more open stance.

 

Good explanation there and food for thought along with everything else for sure. :)

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Posted

We were to meet at the festival at 19h. At 18h30 I texted him I was leaving home. I only got a reply from him at 19h saying he had fallen asleep and he was heading out right away. He lives in the suburbs, downtown is paralyzed by a festival, finding a parking is challenging. He got to me at 20h30.

 

Waiting for him wasn't such a terrible thing, I was at a festival so not like I am waiting 1h30 in a restaurant.

 

Yes he apologized and I didn't make any negative comment.

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Posted

I thought I would never hear from him again considering during our last date his arms were crossed and I was the one mostly feeding our conversation but he's been good at keeping in touch via text and even calling. Since Saturday I felt a real effort on his part. He also admitted he is somewhat shy with women.

 

He called last night and he made an indirect comment that he found his sweetheart but she expects him to do 90% of the work lol. So I guess he was hinting I should set up our 3rd date.

Posted
I thought I would never hear from him again considering during our last date his arms were crossed and I was the one mostly feeding our conversation but he's been good at keeping in touch via text and even calling. Since Saturday I felt a real effort on his part. He also admitted he is somewhat shy with women.

 

He called last night and he made an indirect comment that he found his sweetheart but she expects him to do 90% of the work lol. So I guess he was hinting I should set up our 3rd date.

 

I think much of his behaviour is very passive aggressive. I don't think he is over his ex and its very... up and down in his signals.

 

I should just ask him out right. Tell him you do want to get to know him better and use direct examples. I.E. When you turn up 1 1/2 hours late and leave me standing for all that time then complain about the date I feel that you are not interested and it makes me want to step back.

 

I know I am useless at dating but I don't like the sound of this one... he sounds like a whole heap of messed up emotion that is looking to you as a get out clause...

 

IS there such a thing as bad Jazz?

  • Like 1
Posted
I had a first date last Tuesday. Nice gentleman, 47, business owner, father of a daughter 17, single for a couple of years, he's perfect on paper and we had a good decent date. He kept in touch daily and we have our 2nd date planned for tonight.

 

Here's what has been bugging me.

 

He is from France and moved here 4 years ago. His ex-wife of 15 years cheated on him 4 years ago. He divorced, lawyered up and got full custody of his 13 years old (13 at the time). He then moved here with his daughter, a continent away, uprooting his child of 13. She is an ocean away from her mother, grand-parents, and all family members of both sides and he did this to be as far as possible from his ex....

 

Would that bother you as much as it bothers me?

 

Not after only one date. You've only had once date with him and you're going down this whole road already? He perfect on paper after one date? Step back and observe a little more. You don't know enough about the situation. Maybe the mother is in prison, maybe she was abusing the kid, maybe, maybe, maybe. Yes, it's a little odd, but don't start analyzing all this YET.

 

What I would be focusing on is whether or not you want to or could be in a relationship with someone who has children. Would that work for you?

Posted
Not after only one date. You've only had once date with him and you're going down this whole road already? He perfect on paper after one date? Step back and observe a little more. You don't know enough about the situation. Maybe the mother is in prison, maybe she was abusing the kid, maybe, maybe, maybe. Yes, it's a little odd, but don't start analyzing all this YET.

 

What I would be focusing on is whether or not you want to or could be in a relationship with someone who has children. Would that work for you?

 

Having read farther down, there are other reasons for concern piling up. Sorry about that.

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Posted

What I would be focusing on is whether or not you want to or could be in a relationship with someone who has children. Would that work for you?

 

I prefer men with children and I don't mind the age, his daughter is 17 now.

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Posted
He perfect on paper after one date?

 

You know what I mean. Perfect on paper means he seems to have the basic in terms of age, job, availability, healthy living habits etc.

Posted
No. It wouldn't bug me as much as it bothers you.

 

 

There may be more to the story then you know at this point. I can't imagine a judge just letting that happen. So either mommy didn't care enough to fight for the daughter or mommy has issues & the best thing for daughter was to get her as far away as possible.

 

 

So while I would keep this info in the back of my mind, I wouldn't let speculation override everything else at this early stage.

 

I agree.

 

France has roman law [a bit fairer in family law than commonwealth law] but it is absolutely obsessed about about keeping the family together and children [it's illegal to do a DNA test to check paternity without a court order and they give out just a few hundred of those a yr].

Also, if he tried to get away, then the mother was not able to prevent them leaving France and the EU.

For that to happen, the mother must of had absolutely no parental rights, no legal link between the child and herself.

And it takes a lot for a court to sever that.

 

So if this happened, my guess is that the ex must have been a bit psycho.

Posted (edited)

Gaeta, given the fact your second date was "blah" (your words).....not sure why you are even still engaging with him....let alone contemplating a third date with him...which you are otherwise you would not have posted about it.

 

I mean, he falls asleep, leaves you waiting 1.5 hours for him...his arms crossed the entire date, stands apart from you, no kiss, the date was BLAH...there's nothing there.

 

That is when....IMO anyway, you thank him for the time spent, but you don't feel enough chemistry to pursue this further, and you continue your search for your Mr. Right.

 

Why waste time with men you feel are "blah" and with whom there is no chemistry?

 

Not getting that....

Edited by katiegrl
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Posted

* Because he is a good candidate on paper. He's got it together and he is close my age.

 

* Because great chemistry from the get go got me nothing so far. There is enough attraction on my part to build on.

 

* I keep in mind l come across as intimidating so his reserved behavior may have been caused by what l gave out. I have learn afterward he is a bit shy and he'd like I show more interest.

 

* l am used to men drooling over me and when one comes around that keeps his hands to himself l interpret it as a lack of interest - :rolleyes: Enough of that.

 

* He explained and apologize several times for being that late.

 

* We visited 3 venues and none were Jazz so ya, that makes bad Jazz lol. I also have to consider cultural differences. Any of you ever dated a person from France? They are huge on criticizing. He had a critic on every single thing we came across.

 

* Lets say after letting the situation sink in, after seeing his after-date efforts, I am giving it a 3rd date.

  • Like 2
Posted
You know what I mean. Perfect on paper means he seems to have the basic in terms of age, job, availability, healthy living habits etc.

 

availability, healthy living habits etc. -- you can't really be sure about these yet either. How available is he given he has a daughter and what does he want out of his dating journey? Do you know he wants the same thing you want for yourself? This is step 1, really, make sure you're on the same page for yourselves in general. If he's just dating casually and doesn't want a relationship, you'd bail just because of that, right? Find this out as soon as you can. And, if he says he wants a relationship, observe whether he dates you that way :)

 

And, you won't know what his living habits are until you have spent more time with him and in his environment.

 

Just go slow, you know what to do :)

Posted

Ha, yeah, give it another chance. I have had situations where it is hard for ME to read a girl and not sure if I should go in for the kiss, or , the moment wasn't right... I don't see the need to have to try for the kiss on the 1st or second date if we are having fun and enjoying ourselves.

 

Despite what he said about getting far away from his ex maybe it is also partly just to start a new life in a new place. Also, the job opportunities in France might not be as good as in Montreal.

 

Curious, does he go back often to visit family? Some people don't feel a close connection with family in general so that could be part of it too.

Posted
Ha, yeah, give it another chance. I have had situations where it is hard for ME to read a girl and not sure if I should go in for the kiss, or , the moment wasn't right...

 

 

** I don't see the need to have to try for the kiss on the 1st or second date if we are having fun and enjoying ourselves.***

 

Despite what he said about getting far away from his ex maybe it is also partly just to start a new life in a new place. Also, the job opportunities in France might not be as good as in Montreal.

 

Curious, does he go back often to visit family? Some people don't feel a close connection with family in general so that could be part of it too.

 

Re quote in asterisk above, fair enough however Gaetta described their last date as "blah,"" which indicates (to me anyway).... that she did not have fun or enjoyed herself. Nor did he, given the fact he spent the majority of the night complaining about god only knows what.

 

But...apparently after that date, he has stepped up and is now giving her the proper amount of attention she needs, so he's *in* again....

 

Good luck Gaeta...hope this one works out.

  • Author
Posted
availability, healthy living habits etc. -- you can't really be sure about these yet either. How available is he given he has a daughter and what does he want out of his dating journey? Do you know he wants the same thing you want for yourself? This is step 1, really, make sure you're on the same page for yourselves in general. If he's just dating casually and doesn't want a relationship, you'd bail just because of that, right? Find this out as soon as you can. And, if he says he wants a relationship, observe whether he dates you that way :)

 

And, you won't know what his living habits are until you have spent more time with him and in his environment.

 

Just go slow, you know what to do :)

 

 

Oh dear, I have been doing this for so long, I don't go meet a man for a 1st coffee without having gone over what we are searching for we indeed search the same thing.

 

So far he had more availability than me. After our first date on Tuesday he wanted to meet again Thursday I couldn't, he offered Friday I couldn't so we finally met Saturday. His daughter is 17 she doesn't need him there every evening. She has friends and a boyfriend so she's not spending her Saturday night at home either. I remember my daughter being 17, I had to schedule time with her to see her.

 

He owns his business so yes he works long days but he can also get away as he wishes if he has plans.

 

By healthy life style I mean he keeps fit, eat healthy, enjoys a variety of activities, hobbies, has friends etc.

 

I know you guys will be all over this but his profile disappeared after our first date. He also made a comment he's looking forward to the day he'll never have to log on there again. You know I feel the same.

  • Like 1
Posted
Oh dear, I have been doing this for so long, I don't go meet a man for a 1st coffee without having gone over what we are searching for we indeed search the same thing.

 

So far he had more availability than me. After our first date on Tuesday he wanted to meet again Thursday I couldn't, he offered Friday I couldn't so we finally met Saturday. His daughter is 17 she doesn't need him there every evening. She has friends and a boyfriend so she's not spending her Saturday night at home either. I remember my daughter being 17, I had to schedule time with her to see her.

 

He owns his business so yes he works long days but he can also get away as he wishes if he has plans.

 

By healthy life style I mean he keeps fit, eat healthy, enjoys a variety of activities, hobbies, has friends etc.

 

 

 

***I know you guys will be all over this but his profile disappeared after our first date. He also made a comment he's looking forward to the day he'll never have to log on there again. You know I feel the same***.

 

Gaeta, if you are okay going out again, that's totally cool....not my call to make. Nor should it be anyone else's imo.

 

Me? I would not, but you are the one dating him, not me!

 

Have fun!

Posted

I agree that you should give it a third date.

 

My first date with my boyfriend of one year was good, I liked a lot of things about him, the way he made eye contact etc. Second date was blah. He didn't seem into it. I just said "what the heck", I'm bored with this search, I might as well give him another one, and gave it a third. I'm glad I did. Not much to lose.

 

But I also don't like the 1.5h late thing. Even if he apologized and if you didn't wait in a restaurant. Let's hope it's not an indication of unreliability on the long term.

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  • Author
Posted

OK done! We have a date tomorrow evening and I am actually looking forward to it.

  • Like 4
  • Author
Posted

He stood me up *sigh*

 

I text him at 11h this morning to confirm time and place for tonight and he never got back to me.

 

I am staying off line this summer. I got enough toy boys to entertain me all summer long so be ready to hear some juicy stories here and there. Apparently it's better we stick with what we're good with eh!

 

Bitter enough?

Posted
He stood me up *sigh*

 

I text him at 11h this morning to confirm time and place for tonight and he never got back to me.

 

I am staying off line this summer. I got enough toy boys to entertain me all summer long so be ready to hear some juicy stories here and there. Apparently it's better we stick with what we're good with eh!

 

Bitter enough?

Sorry Gaeta.

Once again, you are too good for these crap guys.

Don't be surprised if more excuses are offered at some point.

 

Let the adventures fly. I'll prepare for the X-rated.;):p

 

Just gonna say---fun is fun, but fun with one you love trumps all.

Best wishes.

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