Boyfriend / housemate confrontation

[No_Go]

Haha LA, remarkably similar situation to mine again. I have only french doors on my room facing the dining space so bed fun in my place is out of question. Also being up late or waking up early, e.g she gets very upset if I make coffee early because it wakes her up.

 

The part that I loved about your post : ***I will say, that since neither my roommate nor my BF knew each other before we started dating, I was the one responsible for their bad feelings for each other.*** Same here, I created it by oversharing on both ends. Now I need to fix it

 

On the questions:

 

*Is it just the two of you in the house? No, there is one more guy, nice&chilled.

*Were you friends before you moved in together? No.

*Is one of y'all's name on the lease and not the other? She rents the place and we sublet from her.

*What about her dating life? Missing. She's always talking about how happy she is with the choice of staying single - not settling for less in her words.

*And why exactly does she not like your BF? That he is rushing the things too much. She thinks he's just looking for LTR in general, and I just happened to be there... The fact that he doesn't come over she interprets as red flag as well.

*Why do the cats both need to be taken care of the way she wants? Can't your cat just have dry food? The two cats pretty much follow each other, so separating them for feeding is unrealistic. On the bright side, they enjoy playing together during the day so I don't think mine is lonely, which was the claim that hit me the hardest.

 

OMG, this lady needs to step off.

 

Is it just the two of you in the house? Were you friends before you moved in together? Is one of y'all's name on the lease and not the other?

 

What about her dating life? I'm assuming she doesn't do it at all.

 

And why exactly does she not like your BF?

 

The only reason I'm so curious is that I have similarly bossy, controlling roommates (well, one of two) and the controlling behavior REALLY started around the time I started dating my BF, so I can totally empathize. As a result, my BF and I spend almost all of our together time at his place, which admittedly is more comfortable because he lives by himself. So we can laze around all we want, have sex as loud as we want, be up as late, etc. Still, when grown women want to interfere into the dating life of their roommates, it shows a distinct lack of boundaries.

 

Why do the cats both need to be taken care of the way she wants? Can't your cat just have dry food? I guess if it sees the other one being fed, it'll want the wet food, too.

 

I mean, you go back over there on the weekends to take care of things—at this point, what more does your roommate want? Have you asked her that directly?

 

Also, I will say, that since neither my roommate nor my BF knew each other before we started dating, I was the one responsible for their bad feelings for each other. Lesson learned—be very careful how you talk about the others in your lives.

[katiegrl]

>>>Is one of y'all's name on the lease and not the other? She rents the place and we sublet from her.

 

 

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She's jealous, and based on what you have told us, I don't foresee any of this getting any better while you are dating your boyfriend.

 

 

If it were me, I would look for another place with more agreeable roommates...and sublet from them.

[No_Go]

To move is a very poor option for me right now. And she's really not that bad, I think it was just me overstepping boundaries of sharing which caused the issues. And my bf's lack of experience with pets, which makes it hard to empathize.

 

I should have put the emphasis on my desire to spend time with my pet, not on the fact that my roommate wants me to stay home more. And the porblem would be non-existent, but now it is hard to reverse

 

>>>Is one of y'all's name on the lease and not the other? She rents the place and we sublet from her.

 

 

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She's jealous, and based on what you have told us, I don't foresee any of this getting any better while you are dating your boyfriend.

 

 

If it were me, I would look for another place with more agreeable roommates...and sublet from them.

[losangelena]

I find it a little troubling that your BF is so non-understanding about this. Why is he so upset? Why you choose to want to spend time at home is your business and not his. Would "I want to spend more time with my cat" really sound better than, "I want to spend time with my roommates?" I mean yeah, my BF is not the biggest fan of my one roommate, and I'm sure he'd rather I be at his place all the time, but 3 to 4 nights a week is plenty; I have a life outside of his apartment and he understands that.

 

Your BF sounds a bit controlling, to be honest, and I'm concerned that you are so afraid to speak up about this. He can take it or leave it—if he's got such a problem with you spending time IN YOUR OWN HOME, he can suck it.

[No_Go]

He never objected me spending time in my place, but he doesnt want to spend time together there:( So he makes it sound like time with him VS time in my place. I'd just communicate that this is very uncomfortable for me, and depending on his reaction, see where the whole relationship is going...

 

I find it a little troubling that your BF is so non-understanding about this. Why is he so upset? Why you choose to want to spend time at home is your business and not his. Would "I want to spend more time with my cat" really sound better than, "I want to spend time with my roommates?" I mean yeah, my BF is not the biggest fan of my one roommate, and I'm sure he'd rather I be at his place all the time, but 3 to 4 nights a week is plenty; I have a life outside of his apartment and he understands that.

 

Your BF sounds a bit controlling, to be honest, and I'm concerned that you are so afraid to speak up about this. He can take it or leave it—if he's got such a problem with you spending time IN YOUR OWN HOME, he can suck it.

[losangelena]

OP, any update on this?

[writergal]

Wow, reading through the OP's thread reminds me of that movie, Single White Female only the OP's roommate isn't a psycho killer (we hope). Definitely not a Three's Company (although you should strive for that with your 3rd roommate!).

 

OP, I think both your boyfriend and your roommate want your un-divided attention regardless of what you want. And your poor cat. As a cat owner, I was saddened to read how neglectful you are of your poor cat, especially when you mentioned that you have not 1, but 2 roommates.

 

Um, if you are going to own a pet -- any pet -- you need to commit to the maintenance and care involved, not just the vet bills and vet visits. Cats need affection and attention from their owners just like dogs do.

 

So, if your boyfriend is more important to you than your cat, I say, give your cat away to a friend OR step up and feed the cat and scoop the litter before you go over to your boyfriend's house. Takes 5 minutes, tops. Not a heavy duty commitment.

 

Your roommate is being nosy about your romantic relationship because she's single and probably a little too codependent with you when you were single, since you two had spent more time together. I think if you take over your cat duties 100% and stop expecting her and your other roommate to take care of your cat, she will back off with her nagging and nosy Nellie behavior.

 

And your boyfriend needs a swift kick in rear as far as forcing you to commute to his house all the time because he doesn't like your roommate. Well, who's he dating? You or her? He needs to drop the attitude and shut up about it, and go over to your house and ignore your female roommate and just focus on you. He sounds really controlling and immature, frankly.

[No_Go]

Yes, it made some progress on both ends:

 

With my bf: we decided I'm sleeping over only on Friday night in his place (usually we are anyway out till late). The rest of the days even if we hang out in his place, he'll drive me back home for the night. This is not perfect, but I thought to make a gradual transition.

 

With my roommate: I have actively steered away the focus from my relationship (I realized this bothers her), and stepped up with the daily care not only for my cat, but also for her cat to compensate for the times that I have been out more. I think she appreciates it, and is calming down.

 

Not the end of the battle, but at least I learned some lessons.

 

OP, any update on this?

[No_Go]

Hah, I enjoyed a lot your movie references

 

I have to say I was probably too harsh in describing both my boyfriend and roommate, but yeah, there is a struggle for attention. Also they have both expressed opinions for each other without communicating, which is childish, but in the end, I made it with my oversharing with both...

 

For the cat, it is mainly our different styles of care with my roommate. I got food dispenser and fountain, so even if I am out for a day, food/water won't be a deal. I also make sure to be back in the house daily for the cleaning and petting time , btw even when I was spending most of the weekends at my bf's, I was stopping by on Saturday to check the cat&house and clean, and the Sunday night I was usually back anyway.

 

Here, my roommate prefers canned food over kibble, which in fact requires 3 feedings/day (which I was not doing), she also insists on keeping one litter box for her cat&mine instead of 2, here comes that 1 cleaning/day was not enough. But the more I think about it, it is a matter of fitting to her preferences, not negligence of my poor kitty.

 

My bf indeed is a bit stubborn about spending time at his place, but I have to admit he is doing all the driving back and forth, and he is bringing me back to the house to do my business and picking me up. In that sense he has been very accommodating.

 

 

 

 

 

Wow, reading through the OP's thread reminds me of that movie, Single White Female only the OP's roommate isn't a psycho killer (we hope). Definitely not a Three's Company (although you should strive for that with your 3rd roommate!).

 

OP, I think both your boyfriend and your roommate want your un-divided attention regardless of what you want. And your poor cat. As a cat owner, I was saddened to read how neglectful you are of your poor cat, especially when you mentioned that you have not 1, but 2 roommates.

 

Um, if you are going to own a pet -- any pet -- you need to commit to the maintenance and care involved, not just the vet bills and vet visits. Cats need affection and attention from their owners just like dogs do.

 

So, if your boyfriend is more important to you than your cat, I say, give your cat away to a friend OR step up and feed the cat and scoop the litter before you go over to your boyfriend's house. Takes 5 minutes, tops. Not a heavy duty commitment.

 

Your roommate is being nosy about your romantic relationship because she's single and probably a little too codependent with you when you were single, since you two had spent more time together. I think if you take over your cat duties 100% and stop expecting her and your other roommate to take care of your cat, she will back off with her nagging and nosy Nellie behavior.

 

And your boyfriend needs a swift kick in rear as far as forcing you to commute to his house all the time because he doesn't like your roommate. Well, who's he dating? You or her? He needs to drop the attitude and shut up about it, and go over to your house and ignore your female roommate and just focus on you. He sounds really controlling and immature, frankly.

[No_Go]

I talked to my therapist about my boyfriend vs roommate problem: he hinted towards an attention struggle, and suggested to make an effort to meet them once to subside the tension. Well, my roommate speeded up this meeting a bit:

 

The same night my bf drove me home, and we were kissing good night. She saw us from the doorsteps and showed up on his car window, saying she was watching us for the past ten mins and wanted to say "hi" . They had a short awkward conversation before he left.

 

How would you guys take that? On one side, it was quite intrusive (and my bf was a little startled ), on the other - it was probably good that they interacted a bit... just the setting was very awkward.

 

I wonder shall I use the moment to set a dinner/meet for both (unhappy or not, my bf now knows my roommate really wants to interact with him...), or it will be unhealthy in terms of letting my roommate overstep our privacy (after all, she was not really welcome to come to my bf's car that way...).

[Gaeta]

How would you guys take that? On one side, it was quite intrusive (and my bf was a little startled ), on the other - it was probably good that they interacted a bit... just the setting was very awkward.

 

I wonder shall I use the moment to set a dinner/meet for both (unhappy or not, my bf now knows my roommate really wants to interact with him...), or it will be unhealthy in terms of letting my roommate overstep our privacy (after all, she was not really welcome to come to my bf's car that way...).

 

It was a clumsy attempt but it was a good genuine effort on her part so you can't start being picky about how she did it. It's fine, it served the purpose which was to make a friendly contact.

 

The point is to have them be civil toward each other not become best of friends. I would not invite him over for dinner I would instead invite him in for a short visit at first like he picks you up, he comes in, has time for a chit chat before you leave, and I would slowly make it longer each time.

[No_Go]

Thanks Gaeta, I like the idea for the short visits. I can see how a dinner could be too much for a start.

 

I have no intention to make them best friends, but life will be soooo much better for me, them & the cat if they accept each other, that it is worth the effort;)

 

It was a clumsy attempt but it was a good genuine effort on her part so you can't start being picky about how she did it. It's fine, it served the purpose which was to make a friendly contact.

 

The point is to have them be civil toward each other not become best of friends. I would not invite him over for dinner I would instead invite him in for a short visit at first like he picks you up, he comes in, has time for a chit chat before you leave, and I would slowly make it longer each time.

[writergal]

I talked to my therapist about my boyfriend vs roommate problem: he hinted towards an attention struggle, and suggested to make an effort to meet them once to subside the tension. Well, my roommate speeded up this meeting a bit:

 

The same night my bf drove me home, and we were kissing good night. She saw us from the doorsteps and showed up on his car window, saying she was watching us for the past ten mins and wanted to say "hi" . They had a short awkward conversation before he left.

 

How would you guys take that? On one side, it was quite intrusive (and my bf was a little startled ), on the other - it was probably good that they interacted a bit... just the setting was very awkward.

 

I wonder shall I use the moment to set a dinner/meet for both (unhappy or not, my bf now knows my roommate really wants to interact with him...), or it will be unhealthy in terms of letting my roommate overstep our privacy (after all, she was not really welcome to come to my bf's car that way...).

 

I agree with your therapist, that you need to decrease the tension between your roommate and your boyfriend. I can't believe your roommate watched you and your boyfriend make-out for 10 minutes before invading your privacy like that knocking on his car window. Weird! Did I knot call it, Single White Female? Lol! Sorry, couldn't resist using that movie reference. Just hide your knives! J/k. But...it's done so nothing you can do about that.

 

Since your boyfriend's tension happens when he comes to your house, then I'd check with your therapist to see if it makes sense to use your house as the "neutral zone" where you address your concerns with them both. I wouldn't just make it a quick in-passing conversation though. You 3 need to sit down and chat about the awkward dynamics. Not for hours. Just for a short-time, like an hour. Maybe plan it a night that your roommate has plans, so that you and your boyfriend can chat with her before she goes out. Then you two have the place to yourself. I think since the tension is there, the only way to get rid of it, is to have the conversation and try to resolve it there but check with your therapist and see what he thinks.

 

And it does sound like your roommate forced you to bend to her cat-maintenance preferences rather than respect yours. She needs to know that by having 2 cats share a litter box, if one gets sick, the other will get sick. It's safer and vet recommended to use multiple cat litter boxes with a multiple cat household. When I had 2 cats, I used 2 litter boxes.

 

And, I agree with you that canned food is a pain in the butt b/c you can't just put canned food in a dispenser. You have to physically be there. Canned food as a treat is fine, but again, dry cat food is better. It's better for the cat's teeth. Canned food can help keep a cat hydrated but it shouldn't be fed 3 times a day to a cat. That's overkill. I think you had the right idea with the food dispenser. It's far more convenient than feeding canned food to a cat.

[No_Go]

Thanks Writergal, haha, it was indeed awkward but happened. So we need to move from here. I'd indeed check with the therapist how exactly to do it, but I tend to think to keep it short as a start, and not point out the weird dynamics (I mean not to emphasize on it). The fact that they are both dominant and stubborn makes it a pain to set a proper meet; she is overly invasive, he is overly defensive.

 

For the cat: I gave up for now to avoid conflict, but I see how multiple boxes will be better. Also my cat is a real canned food lover, and I am worried that he's gaining weight (he just never over-eats on dry food because he seems not to like the taste that much). I'm thinking to make a call to the vet in front of her to validate these points & concerns, this may work because it will be fact-supported, not an opinion struggle as we made it.

 

I agree with your therapist, that you need to decrease the tension between your roommate and your boyfriend. I can't believe your roommate watched you and your boyfriend make-out for 10 minutes before invading your privacy like that knocking on his car window. Weird! Did I knot call it, Single White Female? Lol! Sorry, couldn't resist using that movie reference. Just hide your knives! J/k. But...it's done so nothing you can do about that.

 

Since your boyfriend's tension happens when he comes to your house, then I'd check with your therapist to see if it makes sense to use your house as the "neutral zone" where you address your concerns with them both. I wouldn't just make it a quick in-passing conversation though. You 3 need to sit down and chat about the awkward dynamics. Not for hours. Just for a short-time, like an hour. Maybe plan it a night that your roommate has plans, so that you and your boyfriend can chat with her before she goes out. Then you two have the place to yourself. I think since the tension is there, the only way to get rid of it, is to have the conversation and try to resolve it there but check with your therapist and see what he thinks.

 

And it does sound like your roommate forced you to bend to her cat-maintenance preferences rather than respect yours. She needs to know that by having 2 cats share a litter box, if one gets sick, the other will get sick. It's safer and vet recommended to use multiple cat litter boxes with a multiple cat household. When I had 2 cats, I used 2 litter boxes.

 

And, I agree with you that canned food is a pain in the butt b/c you can't just put canned food in a dispenser. You have to physically be there. Canned food as a treat is fine, but again, dry cat food is better. It's better for the cat's teeth. Canned food can help keep a cat hydrated but it shouldn't be fed 3 times a day to a cat. That's overkill. I think you had the right idea with the food dispenser. It's far more convenient than feeding canned food to a cat.

[No_Go]

Well, the confrontation that I described peaked this weekend (after the situation update in post #35). In short

 

- I was on a date on Friday night (I made it very clear to my roommate that I won't be home ONLY that evening), when I started getting "joking" messages that she's start charging me money for the cat - 8 point message, 5 out of 8 of her items were "cuddle time with the cat at night", "special OUTDOORS petting time". I laughed and replied "let's discuss it in person tomorrow afternoon", which followed by second list of things that she'll charge me for.

 

-- Clearly I got concerned because these jokes turned passive aggressive, and she violated my requirements as a pet owner (taking the cat out of the house, which is a safety concern no matter how careful she was).

 

I complained to my boyfriend and his reaction was even more concerning. First, he said after their short interaction and what I described he rejects friendship with her and "advise" me to limit contact. He also refused to spend time in my house, and when I ask why he got confused with excuses, among which was that he's not happy staying over because he has special air-cleaning filters at his home not mine and... he doesn't like to be controlled (by the roommate)

 

-- My bf reaction for me is quite shocking, because he does not seem to respect my choice of friends & housing space.

 

I need an external viewpoint: am I overreacting, or this is totally out of control from both their sides? I'm contemplating to break up the relationship, change the house and look for less toxic relationships with people in the future... although deep inside I want to give them both one last chance.

 

 

Thanks Writergal, haha, it was indeed awkward but happened. So we need to move from here. I'd indeed check with the therapist how exactly to do it, but I tend to think to keep it short as a start, and not point out the weird dynamics (I mean not to emphasize on it). The fact that they are both dominant and stubborn makes it a pain to set a proper meet; she is overly invasive, he is overly defensive.

 

For the cat: I gave up for now to avoid conflict, but I see how multiple boxes will be better. Also my cat is a real canned food lover, and I am worried that he's gaining weight (he just never over-eats on dry food because he seems not to like the taste that much). I'm thinking to make a call to the vet in front of her to validate these points & concerns, this may work because it will be fact-supported, not an opinion struggle as we made it.

[kendahke]

 

-- My bf reaction for me is quite shocking, because he does not seem to respect my choice of friends & housing space.

 

I need an external viewpoint: am I overreacting, or this is totally out of control from both their sides? I'm contemplating to break up the relationship, change the house and look for less toxic relationships with people in the future... although deep inside I want to give them both one last chance.

 

The problem is that you've got a crazy friend/roommate who has threatened to put your cat out doors as a means to control you because she is jealous of and can't make you drop your boyfriend and focus only on her. I think that if she had opened up a can of "act right" from the start, none of this fall out from your boyfriend would be happening. For her to watch you two for 10 minutes speaks of someone disturbed. Who in their right mind watches someone else making out for 10 minutes then comes to the car door to break it up, except for a parent, which she isn't for either of you?

 

What you need to really be doing is finding a place of your own that you can afford, even if it's a studio apartment, because you have two people in your life of whom you are at the mercy for a place to lay your head and post up your cat. You should never, ever be in a position that there is this much strife in your home.

 

Your roommate is all of a sudden going to start charging you for things that are not explicitly spelled out in your rental agreement? Then it's time to move when agreement is up. In the meantime, you need to tell her what you are and aren't going to do; and as long as you adhere to the rental agreement, that you are not about to start doing anything to curb your relationship with your boyfriend and if she doesn't like it, she can stay in her room with the door closed and quit spying on you... and if Fluffy so much as doesn't come when you call, you're going to go to the police with her texts and their veiled threat of releasing your cat outdoors.

 

I think it's long been past for you to play hard ball with your roommate. I think that your boyfriend has seen through her all along for what she is and what she's been doing and he's frustrated that you can't seem to see it for yourself. I don't respect your choice of friends, either, especially if you're letting this one run roughshod all over you. I completely disagree with your therapist--your boyfriend shouldn't be forced to be friends with someone who clearly does not want his friendship. That's stupid advice. Your friend would just as soon poison him than give him a napkin.

Edited July 13, 2015 by kendahke

[anna121]

The problem is that you've got a crazy friend/roommate who has threatened to put your cat out doors as a means to control you because she is jealous of and can't make you drop your boyfriend and focus only on her. I think that if she had opened up a can of "act right" from the start, none of this fall out from your boyfriend would be happening. For her to watch you two for 10 minutes speaks of someone disturbed. Who in their right mind watches someone else making out for 10 minutes then comes to the car door to break it up, except for a parent, which she isn't for either of you?

 

What you need to really be doing is finding a place of your own that you can afford, even if it's a studio apartment, because you have two people in your life of whom you are at the mercy for a place to lay your head and post up your cat. You should never, ever be in a position that there is this much strife in your home.

 

Your roommate is all of a sudden going to start charging you for things that are not explicitly spelled out in your rental agreement? Then it's time to move when agreement is up. In the meantime, you need to tell her what you are and aren't going to do; and as long as you adhere to the rental agreement, that you are not about to start doing anything to curb your relationship with your boyfriend and if she doesn't like it, she can stay in her room with the door closed and quit spying on you... and if Fluffy so much as doesn't come when you call, you're going to go to the police with her texts and their veiled threat of releasing your cat outdoors.

 

I think it's long been past for you to play hard ball with your roommate. I think that your boyfriend has seen through her all along for what she is and what she's been doing and he's frustrated that you can't seem to see it for yourself. I don't respect your choice of friends, either, especially if you're letting this one run roughshod all over you. I completely disagree with your therapist--your boyfriend shouldn't be forced to be friends with someone who clearly does not want his friendship. That's stupid advice. Your friend would just as soon poison him than give him a napkin.

 

Your boyfriend does not sound like the most mature guy around, but I tend to agree with kendahke. Your roommate sounds absolutely loony.

 

Fine if you want to break up with him but I think your priority should be to change your living situation. The dynamics are weird, weird weird.

[darkmoon]

whoever wants to back down first is the nicer person, this would be who i would choose

 

you are being put in an uncomfortable position, and so the perpetrator ought to stop asap, see who stops pressuring you first

Edited July 13, 2015 by darkmoon

[No_Go]

Thanks for the detailed response, Kendahke.

 

You raised a few concerns that I had myself. Indeed a lot of the tension in my relationship came from long conversations with the roommate, the "car stalking" was not a precedent, she's putting guilt on me for the cat if and only if I'm out dating (if I'm late at work she's not bothered), and she creates a lot of extra charges (phrased e.g. it will be nice having xxx in the house, why don't you get it... and getting upset if I don't like the idea)

 

However, otherwise she is very warm person, engaging conversationalist, open book type, charming. Not easy to dismiss (which I prefer not to do anyway while still in the house, it will create extra tension). I'd love to move to my own space but I have important reasons to wait a few more months.

 

I'm ok if my boyfriend doesn't want to be friends with her, but I just can't handle him using this as an excuse to not spend time in my place... He needs to be civil if he respects me because he's aware that I can't move right now. And I'm scared that this rejecting behavior will spread on other relationships in my life: I have many quirky old friends, family members, not everybody's spoon but important to me.

 

The problem is that you've got a crazy friend/roommate who has threatened to put your cat out doors as a means to control you because she is jealous of and can't make you drop your boyfriend and focus only on her. I think that if she had opened up a can of "act right" from the start, none of this fall out from your boyfriend would be happening. For her to watch you two for 10 minutes speaks of someone disturbed. Who in their right mind watches someone else making out for 10 minutes then comes to the car door to break it up, except for a parent, which she isn't for either of you?

 

What you need to really be doing is finding a place of your own that you can afford, even if it's a studio apartment, because you have two people in your life of whom you are at the mercy for a place to lay your head and post up your cat. You should never, ever be in a position that there is this much strife in your home.

 

Your roommate is all of a sudden going to start charging you for things that are not explicitly spelled out in your rental agreement? Then it's time to move when agreement is up. In the meantime, you need to tell her what you are and aren't going to do; and as long as you adhere to the rental agreement, that you are not about to start doing anything to curb your relationship with your boyfriend and if she doesn't like it, she can stay in her room with the door closed and quit spying on you... and if Fluffy so much as doesn't come when you call, you're going to go to the police with her texts and their veiled threat of releasing your cat outdoors.

 

I think it's long been past for you to play hard ball with your roommate. I think that your boyfriend has seen through her all along for what she is and what she's been doing and he's frustrated that you can't seem to see it for yourself. I don't respect your choice of friends, either, especially if you're letting this one run roughshod all over you. I completely disagree with your therapist--your boyfriend shouldn't be forced to be friends with someone who clearly does not want his friendship. That's stupid advice. Your friend would just as soon poison him than give him a napkin.

[kendahke]

Are any of your other old friends, family, etc., manipulating or threatening you to end your relationship with him? That's the difference.

 

I don't blame him for not wanting to be in your house--I wouldn't want to be in there either. You see how the woman treats you when you go out with him. How do you think she's going to behave if he's sleeping in your bed? Are you fine with her walking in on you while you're sleeping or having sex? You don't think she would? From what you've written, she's got a seething hatred for him--why would he want to put himself in that close proximity? She is dangerous. She won't be happy until she's driven him out of your life--and I'd bet money that if you found a new guy, she'd do the same thing with him because it's not about this guy in particular: it's about anyone she has to compete with for your attention.

 

Do you have another friend or family member who can take your cat for the remaining months you have on your lease until you find and move into your own place? Your cat has become one of her manipulation tools and its safety is in jeopardy if she's "joking" (there's truth in jest) about petting him outside.

 

I think you dismiss her shenanigans at yours and your cat's peril. Seriously, I do.

 

Self preservation is the strongest human urge and it's why your boyfriend, even with his other demerits, isn't going to put himself at her mercy. I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to be around her or in her house.

[No_Go]

Sadly I see some truth. She was telling me details about the sexual encounters (??!!) of a former roommate, which made me think: if we have a sleepover, the next roommate could be informed about my private business I want to have my boyfriend over for dinner/brunch, not for overnight stay but he's not open to that either

 

The getting-crazy development:

The neighbor casually asked me when I'm leaving the neighborhood because my roommate told her that I'm getting married (??!!). I asked the roommate how did she came up with that BS and WTF she's talking about me to other people, and her response was "she inferred it from my actions" and she "knew that I want to leave the house although she likes me". Is that gaslighting???

 

 

Are any of your other old friends, family, etc., manipulating or threatening you to end your relationship with him? That's the difference.

 

I don't blame him for not wanting to be in your house--I wouldn't want to be in there either. You see how the woman treats you when you go out with him. How do you think she's going to behave if he's sleeping in your bed? Are you fine with her walking in on you while you're sleeping or having sex? You don't think she would? From what you've written, she's got a seething hatred for him--why would he want to put himself in that close proximity? She is dangerous. She won't be happy until she's driven him out of your life--and I'd bet money that if you found a new guy, she'd do the same thing with him because it's not about this guy in particular: it's about anyone she has to compete with for your attention.

 

Do you have another friend or family member who can take your cat for the remaining months you have on your lease until you find and move into your own place? Your cat has become one of her manipulation tools and its safety is in jeopardy if she's "joking" (there's truth in jest) about petting him outside.

 

I think you dismiss her shenanigans at yours and your cat's peril. Seriously, I do.

 

Self preservation is the strongest human urge and it's why your boyfriend, even with his other demerits, isn't going to put himself at her mercy. I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to be around her or in her house.

Edited July 14, 2015 by No_Go

[kendahke]

The getting-crazy development:

The neighbor casually asked me when I'm leaving the neighborhood because my roommate told her that I'm getting married (??!!). I asked the roommate how did she came up with that BS and WTF she's talking about me to other people, and her response was "she inferred it from my actions" and she "knew that I want to leave the house although she likes me". Is that gaslighting???

 

No. She's just running your business down in the street because she's jealous of you. No telling what else and to whom else she's been spreading your business.

 

Like I said, dangerous. Talking isht behind your back to people who do not matter in your life is really messed up.

[acapelo_dp]

I think the best solution here would be to get someone to take over your lease and find a new apartment possibly with a new roommate if you cannot find a place on your own. Your roommate sounds unbearable.