Unrequited Love Leads to Heart Ache

[Babs22]

I value your sympathy more than you know. I'll be honest, I have never thought much of those who get caught up into fairs. I have always believed that you can't help who you fall for, you can only help what you do about it. But now I have sympathy. I'm not condoning it, but I can understand how it happens. I think there is a difference between seeking it and it just happening without the intentions. Like two people at work. You are bound to get to know one another because you work together, you are put into that situation to get to know one another. If you were out a bar, approached someone who is married and continued speaking with them, that I wouldn't have as much sympathy because you weren't put into a situation to get to know one another. I guess in my case, it could come off as a little bit of both. It's hard to not to get to know someone a little bit when moving in with them. My intentions for inviting him to go out with me and some friends bowling or to a Corn Hole tournament or to a cook-out was purely innocent. I was being sympathetic towards him being in a brand new town by himself. I know how important it is to have friends in order to survive a new place.

 

Thank you though for your words. Some people have been a little unsympathetic and though I understand where they are coming from, if you all knew me personally, I believe you would come to find me to be pretty level-headed, funny, easy going, and kind. You'd most likely be surprised that I even would develop feelings for a married man.

 

Well thank you again. I know it's got to be difficult to be in love with a man that you can never truly be with. Makes me think of the song Stay by Sugarland and From a Table Away by... person's whose name I forgot. I hope that you come to find someone just as wonderful but available!

 

I believe you would come to find me to be pretty level-headed, funny, easy going, and kind. You'd most likely be surprised that I even would develop feelings for a married man.

Funny, the description you gave yourself could also easily describe me. Before this affair happened, I never gave much thought to affairs either. As I said, I never even looked at another guy before or thought about an A. I never felt an attraction or a pull in any way. The only thing I thought about affairs was, why don't they just divorce their spouse first? Personally, I thought if my M ended due to either death or divorce (and I had never seriously thought of divorce) I wouldn't even date again. I guess I thought any relationship with a man would be more of the same and I wasn't interested in that. I should of known, if that is how I felt about marriage, we had issues. Nope, I thought it was normal to think that. Wrong!

 

Anyway, yes, seeing someone at work each day, or in a living situation everyday can let you get to know that person, become attracted to who they are and, as Old Rover said, you are not far from a physical affair. You do seem level headed. You were smart enough to come here and talk about your feelings. You are light years ahead of where I was 2 years ago. I suggest you do make yourself scarce or spend lots of time with the wife and kid. I think one of the things that probably would have stopped me would have been if I had met and gotten to know his W. I still have never met her, only seen a few pics. I did see them once together from a distance at a concert. That was really odd. She almost still doesn't seem real to me. I have seen people on here cheat with their best friend's husband or husband's best friend, etc, and I could never figure out how they could do that? When you are home over the next few weeks, I would spend time getting to know the wife to help deter your thoughts. Perhaps you should go on another trip. Either way, stay strong. Do not do as I have done, it's not worth it.

[MonaLisa22]

Mona,

 

While there's a difference in seeking it and it just happening, there are DEFINITELY some signs that it's possible.

Anytime a man and a woman engage in any activity that puts them together has a "chance" of getting romantic. Now, add the situation where they are alone together, and the chances go up significantly, especially if they enjoy each other's company. Now, just add a little physical attraction, and you have the affair......

 

I've been there when I was ending a failed marriage. Not looking for an affair, but looking for sympathy with a girlfriend. An affair was not on my mind. Had know this lady for 8 years.... gave her a lot of sympathy with some of her failed relationships, and she offered help with mine. Worked pretty well for a few years... but when she started paying closer attention to me, an EA was eminent.

 

Even with 4 more weeks, you could EASILY, slip into a physical affair. You're already in the EA. It would only take one good evening alone with him, and unfortunately you have everyday until he moves out for that to happen.

 

Good luck in staying strong and accomplishing your goal.

 

 

I'm so sorry and don't mean to sound stupid, but what does EA stand for?

[lookingforclosure]

Emotional Affair

[MonaLisa22]

Thanks! I started to think that's what it was, but I wanted to make sure.

[OldRover]

I'm so sorry and don't mean to sound stupid, but what does EA stand for?

 

No need to be sorry about not understanding this..... before I got involved, I had no clue what an affair was EA, PA (physical affair), etc, or OW, OM, etc., etc..... I was totally naive, and no intention of an affair (now that I know what it is). I also had no clue as to how fast things can develop.

 

My original goal was for sympathy..... strange how fast things can change.

[MonaLisa22]

No need to be sorry about not understanding this..... before I got involved, I had no clue what an affair was EA, PA (physical affair), etc, or OW, OM, etc., etc..... I was totally naive, and no intention of an affair (now that I know what it is). I also had no clue as to how fast things can develop.

 

My original goal was for sympathy..... strange how fast things can change.

 

Lol I'm still lost with some of it, though I'm usually able to figure out with context what some of it is. I figured MM must me married man. Is that correct?

 

OW and OM... I am guessing Other Woman or Other Man, is that correct?

 

 

 

Fortunately, I'm not so sure now that more I think about it that there was an EA. I think it was just me being a woman reading into everything. I'm sure you know that we do that. We take everything little thing and make it to mean more. Of course we spent time together and perhaps he was just trying to stay distracted while being away from his family. Bowling... who doesn't like to go bowling? Maybe when I said, hey I'm going to Walmart, the just decided to tag along to keep from being bored. I'm not really sure.

I am still having a hard time not thinking about him, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. I know that I have the strength to get through this. I don't fall very often for someone. So it'll hurt a little bit, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

[OldRover]

Lol I'm still lost with some of it, though I'm usually able to figure out with context what some of it is. I figured MM must me married man. Is that correct?

 

OW and OM... I am guessing Other Woman or Other Man, is that correct?

 

 

 

Fortunately, I'm not so sure now that more I think about it that there was an EA. I think it was just me being a woman reading into everything. I'm sure you know that we do that. We take everything little thing and make it to mean more. Of course we spent time together and perhaps he was just trying to stay distracted while being away from his family. Bowling... who doesn't like to go bowling? Maybe when I said, hey I'm going to Walmart, the just decided to tag along to keep from being bored. I'm not really sure.

I am still having a hard time not thinking about him, but I'm starting to feel a bit better. I know that I have the strength to get through this. I don't fall very often for someone. So it'll hurt a little bit, but what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, right?

 

 

Mona,

 

Very good post. And from what you say, you do have an EA, perhaps one sided to a point, as he may not know exactly how you feel. And if you told him, I'd bet you to would easily go to the next level. You've already said you love him... probably not super serious, as you haven't had enough time for that, but certainly to the point where you are very vulnerable.

 

All the little times you spent with him, Walmart, bowling, just going out, talking in the living room, etc., etc. has built your emotional attachment to him.

 

The problem now, it that it's REALLY easy to go the next step and can happen in a heart beat, and then you are more in love... and now what do you do?

 

I'm sure you have thought this over and realize where you are and what you want to do.

 

I'm wishing you the best. Keep us posted

[m4p]

Hi Mona,

 

You are now standing on a very very thin line. Once you decided to say "f it, I am not gonna care" and go over the boundaries- everything will escalate 100x faster and will most likely to end in grief as you can gather from all the threads and posts here.

 

Let me share a bit. xMM and I started as friends and our interaction changed very fast. From strangers - colleagues - hanging out more and more often. we both thought we were just good friends who clicked and talk a lot. but soon we found ourselves making excuses to hang out together. Gym, lunch, even the simple act of 'hey wanna go buy coffee from downstairs'. It *felt* right.

 

Nothing was EVER spoken about. It is just one of those coy and subtle "courtship dance" where you just kinda know that something is likely to happen if no one STOPS.

 

All it took was ONE inappropriate sexual remark one fine day, and there was no turning back. By the next day, I was officially in a PA - physical affair.

 

Yours could be one-sided or it could be mutual. But please don't hang around to find out. There is always a subconscious need to know if your feelings are reciprocated, but this is not worth it in the long shot. TRUST US.

 

This attraction, you will still find it in other available men. As long as circumstances are right and you put in enough effort, sparks can fly anywhere. You deserve an available and honorable man.

 

Hopefully things will change with his wife and kids in the picture.. You might find yourself being put off and less attracted. Sometimes it is just a fantasy of "what ifs".

 

I wish you strength!!

[MonaLisa22]

Hi Mona,

 

You are now standing on a very very thin line. Once you decided to say "f it, I am not gonna care" and go over the boundaries- everything will escalate 100x faster and will most likely to end in grief as you can gather from all the threads and posts here.

 

Let me share a bit. xMM and I started as friends and our interaction changed very fast. From strangers - colleagues - hanging out more and more often. we both thought we were just good friends who clicked and talk a lot. but soon we found ourselves making excuses to hang out together. Gym, lunch, even the simple act of 'hey wanna go buy coffee from downstairs'. It *felt* right.

 

Nothing was EVER spoken about. It is just one of those coy and subtle "courtship dance" where you just kinda know that something is likely to happen if no one STOPS.

 

All it took was ONE inappropriate sexual remark one fine day, and there was no turning back. By the next day, I was officially in a PA - physical affair.

 

Yours could be one-sided or it could be mutual. But please don't hang around to find out. There is always a subconscious need to know if your feelings are reciprocated, but this is not worth it in the long shot. TRUST US.

 

This attraction, you will still find it in other available men. As long as circumstances are right and you put in enough effort, sparks can fly anywhere. You deserve an available and honorable man.

 

Hopefully things will change with his wife and kids in the picture.. You might find yourself being put off and less attracted. Sometimes it is just a fantasy of "what ifs".

 

I wish you strength!!

 

 

Thank you! I know with his wife and kid there will be no way we would even be able to have alone time because they will be there all of the time. So I know that will help. Again I'm going to do my best to make my self scarce whether it's just hanging in my room, going out with some friends, or taking a walk. He is pretty observant and will most likely notice the change in behavior, but seeing we are both pretty non-confrontational I already know if he asks if something is wrong I'll say I'm fine.

 

As much as I'd like to know if the feelings were reciprocated, I will never take any kind of step to find out. I am certain that there would never be a PA because I know who I am as a person. I used to have my heart set on waiting to have sex until marriage and made it to the age of 27 before my first sexual experience (almost 28). So up until then, I've had plenty of experiences turning men away for that and even though I'm no longer a V I've still turned men down. Of course some of the men I've turned down since have been because I didn't feel strongly attracted to them, but there are men that I've turned down who I did feel a strong attraction with. In other words I know my strength when it comes down to that. Also, from what I gather from him, he seems to be a really decent guy despite all of this. I know he is pretty morally sound despite how this all may appear. He's not the type of guy to let things advance to that. Not to say I couldn't be wrong, but I am usually a pretty good judge of character. My intuition tells me he wouldn't allow things to go that route. Not that they even could now with the wife and child. I will be both sad and relieved when they move on to the next stage of their life. I feel like I have made a good friend, but I also understand no good can come of this friendship. I know I won't see him again, there isn't anyway for us to see one another. He has said several times to me that once kids are involved there is no time for anything else. I've shared with him my desire to be happily married some day and have a couple of kids. He likes to act like he is super wise with his experience of marriage and tell me how you can't really go out and stuff once you have kids. So from that I know when he is not working all of his time is basically spent with his family. Him and his wife don't apparently do much in terms of a social life. So there would be no way once he moves out and even now with all of them in my apartment for anything more to be pursued.

 

Lastly, I think I'm a pretty good person. I am looking at this as a chance to see that good men are still out there and with some patience, one will come along who is meant to be with me, and he won't be married. It's a glimmer of hope that men still exist like that. I deserve that. I deserve a single man!

[MonaLisa22]

I am so frustrated with myself. I can't stop thinking about him no matter how hard I try. I know that he probably has not thought about me at all, not that matters because my thinking about him, daydreaming about him, is wrong. I know it's wrong, my heart knows it is wrong, my brain knows it's wrong, every ounce of my being know this is wrong, but I can't stop thinking about him regardless. I am having trouble eating, trouble sleeping... and after the month I have just had with being sick and diagnosed with Gastritis, being stressed over something I shouldn't be stressed over is no good. I have been out of town, but in being out of town, I am not going out because all of my friends back home have moved on. They are busy with their lives. If I was back at my apartment, although he is there, I would at least be going out and be distracted.

 

Anyway, I just need to know what I can do to stop thinking about him. Go out on my own? I feel like I just need to meet someone else. But I can't just make that happen.

 

sorry to vent, sorry to be frustrating, but I can't take this constant thinking about someone who is not even thinking about me, nor should either of us even be thinking about one another.

 

I hate this!!!

[MonaLisa22]

Let me start by stating that I'm strictly here to find some comfort and someone who understands. If you can't provide that, as tempting as it may be, please don't respond.

 

I used to be someone who thought that a person who falls for a MM was trashy. I thought less of those people. While I could see that sometimes people get into situations like at work where they get to know someone simply because they work in close quarters they could easily fall for one another, but couldn't understand how they would let things go any further. If you've seen He's Just Not that Into You, I always felt sort of disgusted by Scarlett Johansen's character. She kept pursuing a married man and I think most of the audience looked down on her character. But now... I get it!

 

Now here I am in a situation where I have fallen for a married man. While either of us have acted on it and I'm not so sure he even feels the same about me (though I have reason to believe he does)... I feel like nobody understands. Like most people, when talking with friends, we talk about what is going on in our lives and what's going through our mind. My friends have gotten sick of hearing about him but he is all I have been thinking about even though I know that I need to stop, but it's not that simple. Everyone knows that it's not something you can simply turn off like you do a lamp. You can't help who you fall for, you can only help what you do about it. I have unfortunately been monopolizing conversations with my friends talking about this man and they've finally got sick of it. I've been called selfish. They've told me to leave it alone because he has a wife. I know he has a wife, which is why I haven't acted on it. Wife or not wife doesn't change how I feel though. Knowing he has a wife doesn't make the feelings disappear. Oh how I wish it did! I have no plans to pursue anything, but I have been analyzing over things he does to try and figure out if he likes me back. Again even if I knew for certain he did, I wouldn't expect or want him to act on it. I simply want to know for peace of mind. That part of all of us doesn't want to have to wonder later down the road about it. That part of all of us that simply wants to know if we are right.

 

I'm not trying to wreck this man's marriage. I'm not trying to come in between him and his wife, but I have in fact fallen for him and I truly believe visa versa. Maybe not the same extent but the feelings are mutual on some level for that I'm certain. I just want to know that I am right.

 

Nobody understands though. They tell me to stay away because I'll just get hurt. Well guess what? I just found the kind of man I always imagined I'd end up with and he's married. I'm already hurt!!!

 

I posted about this a few weeks ago. I had put an ad on Craigslist for a temporary roommate and this man responded. Because he's married, I thought great, he won't be bringing strange women in and out of the apartment so that's perfect. I mostly expected that his stay here would simply be us passing each other nothing more. I tend to be a friendly person though, so his first night here, I had been real sick (not contagious) but felt I should talk to him a bit because it's the polite thing to do. I also run a social group off of the site MeetUp and invited him to some events. I know what it's like to live one place your whole life and then to come to a new place. It's nice to meet some people. Eventually we started spending some time together. Sometimes we'd simply be teasing one another, other times having a serious conversation. I recall at one point he stopped wearing his wedding ring and I thought that was unusual. I knew he had it on when he first moved. Before I knew I was falling for him, I suggested that his wife came and stay because I was hoping to get another month's rent out of him due to some financial strains. By the time she got here, I had fallen hard for him. I realize I could have left that idea alone and probably got another month out of him but hey when finances are low we panic sometimes and don't think things through.

Well it has now become extremely awkward. I honestly can tell she is a relatively nice person. Not so sure we really click (not because of the husband, but there is something kind of fake about her) but I have no desire to really get to know her. Who wants to hear about the marriage of someone who's married to a person you've fallen for? It hurts in a way nobody else understands. It hurts to see him with her. To come home and see her curled up next to him on the couch (granted he never cuddles back it's more her leaning against him while he is playing on his I-pad) it hurts to see.

My friends suggested I try to get to know her, but I simply can't. They will be moving in a week and half, so I just have to make it through until then. But nobody understands why I simply can't just get to know her. It's not going to make me like him any less. He actually is quite understanding at why I don't want to get to know her. I ended up telling him I developed feelings because he kept sort of pressuring to me to tell me what was wrong. He had already figured it out but wanted to hear me say it. I am not sure why and I never got to find out why or if the feelings were in any way reciprocated, because his wife came home during the time we were discussing it. Well some of my friends have sort of become friends with her from being over. They started to talking to her. I can't tell people who to be friends with and I feel guilty asking them not to be friends with the wife of a man I've fallen for. That sounds super wrong. But perhaps some of you out there understand. If you have a man you are sleeping with, in love with, or infatuated with that's married, do you really want to know their significant other or have your friends become linked to that person? Probably not. Well she did mention to one of my friends apparently that she knows I'm into her husband, but she is secure in her marriage. She thinks I am jealous because she has a happy marriage. She's a therapist so she prides herself on being super observant and being able to assess situations.

 

I am not a therapist, but when I care to be, I can be super observant. I have yet to ever hear her husband laugh because of something she said. I have yet to hear her husband tease her the way he teases me. I always hear her bringing up things they need to get done. She shared with my friends that she knew he was the one. He tells me he doesn't really believe in soulmates or the one. He thinks all of that is fantasy. He said when women have babies sometimes their hormones change and that effects sex life. When I see them on the couch he never has his arm around her or shows much affection in return. Does that mean he doesn't do those things when I'm not around? I have no idea. But for her to say I'm jealous of her happy marriage really made me angry especially since I've heard the other side. If she is so observant, how does she not see her husband isn't nearly as happy as her? This is not me trying to say he'd be happier with me. I have no idea if that's true. I'm just annoyed that her response her assessment of me is that I'm jealous of her marriage. Yes, I'm jealous that she has an amazing husband. But not jealous of their marriage. I'm not jealous of her at all. It has nothing to do with her.

 

Well I'm sorry to keep going on, but I needed some release of all of this that is going on in my mind.

Anyway, I just wanted to get this out there. Sometimes just typing it out (writing) helps sort through the feelings and next to time can be a great healer.

 

Again if you disagree with all this, please, I'm upset enough as it already is. I am looking for someone to just show support and understanding. Compassion please! Thank you.

Edited July 15, 2015 by MonaLisa22

[FusionCutter]

You are certainly not the first human being ever to experience your situation.

 

In your opinion, what is.

 

1. The right way to proceed?

2. A wrong way to proceed?

 

If you answer those questions as honestly as you can to yourself, you might be able to get some progress.

[MonaLisa22]

You are certainly not the first human being ever to experience your situation.

 

In your opinion, what is.

 

1. The right way to proceed?

2. A wrong way to proceed?

 

If you answer those questions as honestly as you can to yourself, you might be able to get some progress.

 

 

I am not sure if you are meaning for me to answer them for myself or on here lol and there may be a third one... How I'd like to proceed.

 

I would like to find out if this guy likes me as well. Again for peace of mind and to know I'm right. I'd like to continue being friends because honestly, we've got a friendship. After telling him I like him, he hasn't treated me any differently. He was perfectly cool with it.

 

 

1. The right way... be polite and cordial for the next week and a half. Include him a little in on what is going on because we have become friends and he deserves to not think I just stopped talking to him and to understand why I've decided to simply be just polite and cordial. To stop spending any time with him alone. To only discuss things related to the apartment that impacts us both.

 

2. The wrong way... to let anything turn into something physical. To ask him to leave his wife for me would definitely be wrong. We need to discontinue this song and dance where our feelings aren't given a chance to subside and fade away.

[Friskyone4u]

Compassion does not have to mean telling you to go ahead full speed and start an affair with this man, which you probably can do. You already know he likes you and I am sure you can "lure" him in sexually if you want to.

 

So think about what the results most likely will be for YOU in the long run. If you think you are a mess now the odds say you will be a bigger mess if you do not walk away.

 

This has nothing to do with being trashy. It has to do with the fact that the OVERWHELMING odds say he will NOT leave his wife for you, he will have sex with you as klong as you let him, you will spend your nights alone waiting for a few hours of him being around, and eventually he will be caught and dump you. All you have to do is read this forum and not too many stories of affair partners riding off into the sunset like a romance novel.

 

So if telling you the facts is not compassionate I apologize but I am not caring what you decide but just telling you what is most likely in store for you, which I am surer your friends have told you also. But there are some who come her looking for encouragement to "go for it". Which are you?????

 

There are a ton of eligible guys out there and stop the nonsense that this is the one man in the universe that you are destined for. I suggest you get some IC to see how you can even get to that level of thinking.

[purplesorrow]

You have more issues going on than just wanting another woman's husband. The friends you speak of, are they good friends? Why would they be talking about you behind your back to a stranger? If this woman really thought you were jealous and wanted her husband, she would not leave opportunities for you to be alone with him. Are you sure your friends aren't telling her what they think? If you want to see that he isn't as happy and giggly with her, that is what you will see, doesn't mean that is how it really is. What if he does feel the same? What then?

Edited July 15, 2015 by purplesorrow

[HappyAgain2014]

You need to read your own post. It's full of contradictions. You can't say yiou don't want to ruin his marriage or get between him and his wife then say you're in love with him.

 

You don't know him. I think you're reading a lot into him being kind to you. He needs a place to stay, you're providing it. It's really that simple. I wouldn't read a lot into your perception that he's not very affectionate to his wife. A lot of people don't express affection in front of others. Bottom line is he's married with a toddler. Regardless of what your evaluation is of his marriage, you don't know him or his wife enough to make any assessment.

 

"Knowing" he likes you won't give you peace of mind. In fact, it would make it worse. Let's assume he is flattered and gets an ego boost from your crush. Do you really think he's going to leave his wife and child for you?

 

I'll assume your friends know you. You should listen to them before you make a fool of yourself. If his wife has noticed your crush, they probably joke about it together. Seriously.

 

Focus on something else. They have a history, a child, and a future. None of that includes you.

[MonaLisa22]

Compassion does not have to mean telling you to go ahead full speed and start an affair with this man, which you probably can do. You already know he likes you and I am sure you can "lure" him in sexually if you want to.

 

So think about what the results most likely will be for YOU in the long run. If you think you are a mess now the odds say you will be a bigger mess if you do not walk away.

 

This has nothing to do with being trashy. It has to do with the fact that the OVERWHELMING odds say he will NOT leave his wife for you, he will have sex with you as klong as you let him, you will spend your nights alone waiting for a few hours of him being around, and eventually he will be caught and dump you. All you have to do is read this forum and not too many stories of affair partners riding off into the sunset like a romance novel.

 

So if telling you the facts is not compassionate I apologize but I am not caring what you decide but just telling you what is most likely in store for you, which I am surer your friends have told you also. But there are some who come her looking for encouragement to "go for it". Which are you?????

 

There are a ton of eligible guys out there and stop the nonsense that this is the one man in the universe that you are destined for. I suggest you get some IC to see how you can even get to that level of thinking.

 

 

 

Thank you for your response. I have no intention and will not let it get to a point of crossing that line into a physical affair. I know many people will probably tell me that nobody ever intends for that to happen but it may. I do have a lot of self control. I was originally waiting for marriage to have sex and had sex for the first time close to my 28th birthday. I know much self control I have. I am not expecting someone to say go for it at all. Just someone to say, I understand how you feel. It sucks. Someone to who understands how even the best of us can easily fall into this trap.

 

I am well aware he's never going to leave his wife for me and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I'd want that. Is there a small part of me that dreams of him leaving his wife? Sure. But I wouldn't want it to be for me. As painful as it is for me, I can only imagine how much pain his wife would feel if he left her for someone else, especially if she truly believes she is in a happy marriage. Granted she would probably be in just as much pain if he left for any other reason, I would never be able forgive myself if I caused that.

I wouldn't want his family or friends looking at me as the girl who broke up his marriage. Him and his wife have a child, so they are forever attached to one another. I wouldn't want to be a reason she can hold against him for not seeing his kid as often as he'd want. I do care about him and want him to be as happy as he can be. I know how much his son means to him. I couldn't do that to him.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I come off like an idiot. I don't mean to be. I guess my thoughts are all over the place. But I do give myself a reality check.

 

I have a plan to hopefully have a chance to talk with him tonight and let him know that I think it's best if his remaining days living here we remain cordial and polite, but that we can no longer be friends or spend time together. That I still care about him and as much as I enjoy spending time with him, that it's best if we just try to coexist for this next week and half with as little contact as possible. I know it'll take a lot of courage from me. I'm one who hates confrontation. But I think to just stop talking to him, would be mean, he should be informed of why, but after talking to him, I will leave things alone with him.

[whichwayisup]

I would like to find out if this guy likes me as well. Again for peace of mind and to know I'm right. I'd like to continue being friends because honestly, we've got a friendship. After telling him I like him, he hasn't treated me any differently. He was perfectly cool with it.

 

That's your ego talking - Wanting to know if he has the same feelings as you do. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter if he "likes" you because he's married and you can't do anything about it.

 

A friendship also is kind of pointless because all that does is feed your feelings more and allow you to become more attached to him than you already are. Bonding and spending time with him is not innocent, even if the intentions are pure, what you feel for him WILL get in the way. It'll be an EA (emotional affair) and you'll never have your heart open to someone else as long as he's around in your life like this. And you will get more hurt as time goes on.

 

You told him how you feel, he didn't tell you how he felt. He isn't interested in you that way or if he is, he isn't gonna tell you because that puts HIM in a situation where he might be tempted. He respects his wife and marriage and isn't going to become 'close' to you, he doesn't want to risk what he has right now.

 

Please, back off of him and try to detach. You may not be able to control what you feel for him but you can do your best to not focus on him, get busy and put him out of your head. You can be pro active and teach yourself NOT to think and fantasize and talk about him so much. Be with your women friends, date other men etc., this way he isn't the main focus daily.

[MonaLisa22]

Thank you for your response. I have no intention and will not let it get to a point of crossing that line into a physical affair. I know many people will probably tell me that nobody ever intends for that to happen but it may. I do have a lot of self control. I was originally waiting for marriage to have sex and had sex for the first time close to my 28th birthday. I know much self control I have. I am not expecting someone to say go for it at all. Just someone to say, I understand how you feel. It sucks. Someone to who understands how even the best of us can easily fall into this trap.

 

I am well aware he's never going to leave his wife for me and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I'd want that. Is there a small part of me that dreams of him leaving his wife? Sure. But I wouldn't want it to be for me. As painful as it is for me, I can only imagine how much pain his wife would feel if he left her for someone else, especially if she truly believes she is in a happy marriage. Granted she would probably be in just as much pain if he left for any other reason, I would never be able forgive myself if I caused that.

I wouldn't want his family or friends looking at me as the girl who broke up his marriage. Him and his wife have a child, so they are forever attached to one another. I wouldn't want to be a reason she can hold against him for not seeing his kid as often as he'd want. I do care about him and want him to be as happy as he can be. I know how much his son means to him. I couldn't do that to him.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I come off like an idiot. I don't mean to be. I guess my thoughts are all over the place. But I do give myself a reality check.

 

I have a plan to hopefully have a chance to talk with him tonight and let him know that I think it's best if his remaining days living here we remain cordial and polite, but that we can no longer be friends or spend time together. That I still care about him and as much as I enjoy spending time with him, that it's best if we just try to coexist for this next week and half with as little contact as possible. I know it'll take a lot of courage from me. I'm one who hates confrontation. But I think to just stop talking to him, would be mean, he should be informed of why, but after talking to him, I will leave things alone with him.

 

 

Sorry I am resubmitting this response I put because I saw so many typos and it's bothering me tremendously.

 

Thank you for your response. I have no intention and will not let it get to a point of crossing that line into a physical affair. I know many people will probably tell me that nobody ever intends for that to happen but it may. I do have a lot of self control. I was originally waiting for marriage to have sex and had sex for the first time close to my 28th birthday. I know how much self control I have. I am not expecting someone to say go for it. Just someone to say, I understand how you feel and it sucks. Someone who understands how even the best of us can easily fall into this trap and how much it hurts to meet someone wonderful who is already taken.

 

I am well aware he's never going to leave his wife for me and to be honest I'm not entirely sure I'd want that. Is there a small part of me that dreams of him leaving his wife? Sure. But I wouldn't want it to be for me. As painful as it is for me, I can only imagine how much pain his wife would feel if he left her for someone else, especially if she truly believes she is in a happy marriage. Granted she would probably be in just as much pain if he left for any other reason, I would never be able forgive myself if I was that reason.

I wouldn't want his family or friends looking at me as the girl who broke up his marriage. Him and his wife have a child, so they are forever attached to one another. If they split, I wouldn't want to be a reason she can use to gain primary custody reducing him to seeing his son every other week. I do care about him and want him to be as happy as he can be and I know how happy his son makes him. I couldn't do that to him.

 

Again, I'm sorry if I come off like an idiot. I don't mean to be. My thoughts are all over the place which is why I came here to sort them out.

 

I have a plan to hopefully talk with him tonight and let him know that it's best if his remaining days living here we cut conversation's down to hi, bye, and things to do with the apartment, but that we can no longer be friends or spend time together. I still care about him and as much as I enjoy spending time with him, it's best if we just try to coexist for this next week and half with as little contact as possible. I know it'll take a lot of courage from me. I'm one who hates confrontation. But I think to just stop talking to him, would be mean, he should be informed of that I'm not ignoring him to be rude or because he upset me, but because of the situation and after talking to him, I will leave things alone with him.

[OldRover]

You need to read your own post. It's full of contradictions. You can't say yiou don't want to ruin his marriage or get between him and his wife then say you're in love with him.

 

You don't know him. I think you're reading a lot into him being kind to you. He needs a place to stay, you're providing it. It's really that simple. I wouldn't read a lot into your perception that he's not very affectionate to his wife. A lot of people don't express affection in front of others. Bottom line is he's married with a toddler. Regardless of what your evaluation is of his marriage, you don't know him or his wife enough to make any assessment.

 

"Knowing" he likes you won't give you peace of mind. In fact, it would make it worse. Let's assume he is flattered and gets an ego boost from your crush. Do you really think he's going to leave his wife and child for you?

 

I'll assume your friends know you. You should listen to them before you make a fool of yourself. If his wife has noticed your crush, they probably joke about it together. Seriously.

 

Focus on something else. They have a history, a child, and a future. None of that includes you.

 

I agree with Happy... some very good points.

 

You really don't want to know how he feels toward you.... if he likes you, I'd bet my bottom dollars you would be in his bed within a few days... to find out how it feels... or whatever. Then what?

 

You could pursue him further and develop a really close relationship behind closed doors. Then what? You have the following possibilities:

 

You get discovered and he leaves you.

 

You get discovered (or not) and he decides to leave his wife for you. The chances of that working out statistically are less than 5%. Worth the risk? You decide. I may just work out great, but the BS and his kid will always be in your life, and probably not in a pleasant way.

 

You don't get discovered and it continues to go on.... ended up with a hiding, lying, and playing second fiddle to his wife.

 

Now, I can TOTALLY understand how you feel today, and why you are hurting. I was exactly there one time years ago, when I was married. I had an employee of mine that was very cute and sexy. She worked for me for about a year, so I saw her every day and got a bit closer as time went on. She mentioned a boyfriend, but he was always on the back burner and they were "breaking up". She got friendly, touched me at times that was suggestive, made comments that led me on, and I was falling for her, and I wanted to get closer, yet. I decided that this could not continue without a disaster and had to let her go. Good or bad, she was also stealing money from the company, and I asked her to leave and wouldn't pursue her criminally, gave her a small severance and never saw her again. That was WAY too close. However, I did hurt, and was difficult to get out of it, but there was NO WAY it would have worked out. And I had every chance to just bang her right in the office, as we were alone a lot. I concentrated on making my wife the happiest person in the world, and totally got that girl out of my mind in short order.

 

You'll have to make up your own mind on what to do, but just the step in "finding out if he cares" is probably a move in the direction of a full blown affair.

 

Yes, you will grieve, and you will hurt. However, sounds like your friends will be way more supportive with that, than supporting your affair.

 

Best of luck.

[minimariah]

Let me start by stating that I'm strictly here to find some comfort and someone who understands.

 

look, sweetheart... i cannot help but notice a high level of emotional immaturity in your posts even though you're 30+ years (and no, you falling in love with a MM is not the reason i think that you're immature) = when someone offers you advice you don't like OR criticism, that DOES NOT MEAN that they don't understand you.

 

She kept pursuing a married man and I think most of the audience looked down on her character. But now... I get it!

 

falling for a MM is one thing, pursuing him and having an A another. for some reason, you don't seem to know the difference.

 

I just want to know that I am right.

 

again -- if you don't plan on doing anything with him, WHY is this important?

 

Nobody understands though.

They tell me to stay away because I'll just get hurt. Well guess what? I just found the kind of man I always imagined I'd end up with and he's married. I'm already hurt!!!

 

you're not as nearly as hurt NOW as you will be if this man has an A with you & dumps you to the curb. you don't act like a grown up over 30+ years old, more like a whinny spoiled teenager with the "NOBODY UNDERSTANDS!" bit. we do understand, we really do. but we aren't saying what you want to hear, that's what is bothering you.

 

She's a therapist so she prides herself on being super observant and being able to assess situations.

 

she is observant -- she caught you, didn't she?

 

I am not a therapist, but when I care to be, I can be super observant.

 

if i had a penny for every person who had bragged about how "observant" they are, i'd be a Donald Trump by now. we see what we WANT to see. like this --

 

I have yet to ever hear her husband laugh because of something she said. I have yet to hear her husband tease her the way he teases me. I always hear her bringing up things they need to get done. She shared with my friends that she knew he was the one. He tells me he doesn't really believe in soulmates or the one. He thinks all of that is fantasy. He said when women have babies sometimes their hormones change and that effects sex life. When I see them on the couch he never has his arm around her or shows much affection in return.

 

you have decided that this dude is unhappy and miserable in his marriage & everything you see and hear... goes in that direction. they have their own dynamic which works for them... do you think every relationship is unhappy unless folks act the way you imagine they should...? you know him for a small part of time and you think you can judge about his YEARS long relationship...? at the end of the day, this might be just a tougher period for their relationship caused by your presence. they're moving and going through changes. relationship do have many ups & downs.

 

the bold part made me laugh out loud -- again, how old are you really...? and the part he had said about babies and hormones... i just... how old are you people?

 

But for her to say I'm jealous of her happy marriage really made me angry especially since I've heard the other side.

 

you didn't hear the other side. you don't know what goes on in THEIR marriage. you THINK you do based on a very little time you had spent with him and you think it paints their entire relationship -- that again tells me that you have very little to none experience with serious romantic relationships.

 

If she is so observant, how does she not see her husband isn't nearly as happy as her?

 

you have no idea what she does or doesn't see, she won't talk about her fears and doubts to folks she JUST met... i mean, come on. you didn't even start an A with this woman's husband and you're already demonizing her. if her H is unhappy and she knows it, do you honestly think she'll go around and say it to YOUR friends or YOU? this woman clearly isn't stupid and she is protecting her union & family the best she can by sending you a message to f&ck off = "i'm secure & we are happy together". you only saw one small part of their relationship, you cannot possibly know if he is happy with his W in general or not. he did marry her and has a young kid with her + works toward their future. that tells you something but no, you choose to focus on all the little things that somehow prove that he isn't with his Jesus sent "soulmate" -- this proves how much you AREN'T observant because if you were, you'd know very well what stands behind his W's statements.

 

My friends have gotten sick of hearing about him but he is all I have been thinking about even though I know that I need to stop, but it's not that simple.

(...)

You can't help who you fall for, you can only help what you do about it.

(...)

Wife or not wife doesn't change how I feel though. Knowing he has a wife doesn't make the feelings disappear. Oh how I wish it did!

(...)

 

here is the thing. no one said getting over this dude will be easy. no one said it will happen in a heartbeat. IT TAKES TIME & it's like you've never had a serious relationship with someone so you don't know that it takes a longer period of NC any kind to actually START to get over someone. when he moves away and when you don't see him or hear from him in MONTHS, longer period of time...? and you're still in love...? THEN you can complain about how it "doesn't go away".

 

you want him to dump his W and be with you. the reason you say you don't is your catholic upbringing and your desire to paint yourself as a "good girl" who just doesn't do those things. it has nothing with what you REALLY want and what you REALLY want is to be with this dude, marriage and family breaking up and all. get away from him, stay away from him and keep up the NC when he leaves.

 

if you want him for yourself, in the best version - be prepared to be a stepmother & to have his W in your life as a constant + deal with the backlash of being painted by others as a "homewrecker" + a bunch of other problems. you seem like you're 15 most in your posts & somehow i DOUBT you know about what it really means to have a relationship with a man who has his own family. and finally, you just don't have it in you to handle his W (in case he decides to divorce her to be with you) + all the pain of a scorned woman + all the judgement.... you aren't patient & you lack emotional maturity which will result in you acting out and creating constant conflict with his W. it's interesting that you got called "selfish" because you, in fact, do show that trait in your posts.

 

no offense -- but you'd be a pain in the a** to deal with, as someone's second wife.

Edited July 15, 2015 by minimariah

[RainDown]

I understand what it's like to fall for someone who is already committed elsewhere, or married. It sucks. It really does. Desperately wanting something one can't have is a miserable state to be in. I think the fact that he (temporarily) lives with you makes it even more miserable.

 

Once he has moved out it will get easier. You will no longer have daily contact with him (or any, preferably) and he will begin to fade into the background. It will take a while for you to forget about him, but it will happen naturally as life moves on. As long as you don't make excuses to see him or, God forbid, try to remain friends with him, your feelings will diminish as long as no contact is maintained.

 

It'll be over in the next week or two which will allow you the opportunity to move on from this, so hang in there.

 

I wish you well.

[FusionCutter]

I am not sure if you are meaning for me to answer them for myself or on here lol and there may be a third one... How I'd like to proceed.

 

I would like to find out if this guy likes me as well. Again for peace of mind and to know I'm right. I'd like to continue being friends because honestly, we've got a friendship. After telling him I like him, he hasn't treated me any differently. He was perfectly cool with it.

 

 

1. The right way... be polite and cordial for the next week and a half. Include him a little in on what is going on because we have become friends and he deserves to not think I just stopped talking to him and to understand why I've decided to simply be just polite and cordial. To stop spending any time with him alone. To only discuss things related to the apartment that impacts us both.

 

2. The wrong way... to let anything turn into something physical. To ask him to leave his wife for me would definitely be wrong. We need to discontinue this song and dance where our feelings aren't given a chance to subside and fade away.

 

Do the right thing, and practice emotional responsibility.

Good luck.

[Giggle]

Ahh yes. I met Prince Charming. Completely blew me away. He was everything that I thought I wanted. We'd laugh and tease each other and I'd learn more things about him that was just holy hell sexy. My best friend had actually wanted me to meet him because he reminded her of me. My humor. She knew we'd have a blast together. And we did.

 

And when somebody is on their phone practically all the time and chatting with a group of people from a game, they aren't very happy. To hear him say he was watching a movie with the Mrs. Ouch. And watch him spend the entire time on the phone. Wth. I'd thump him. I told him he was a Butthead for it. I don't know why she likes him.

 

We had a light EA. mostly just friends with some emotions stirred in and a rare inappropriate text.

 

Coming out of having just lost my mom and the end of my marriage, he helped me find my smile. He helped me realize there are guys out there like that. Yep. I met Prince Charming but I am sooo not Snow White.

[MissBee]

I understand what it's like to fall for someone who is already committed elsewhere, or married. It sucks. It really does. Desperately wanting something one can't have is a miserable state to be in. I think the fact that he (temporarily) lives with you makes it even more miserable.

 

Once he has moved out it will get easier. You will no longer have daily contact with him (or any, preferably) and he will begin to fade into the background. It will take a while for you to forget about him, but it will happen naturally as life moves on. As long as you don't make excuses to see him or, God forbid, try to remain friends with him, your feelings will diminish as long as no contact is maintained.

 

It'll be over in the next week or two which will allow you the opportunity to move on from this, so hang in there.

 

I wish you well.

 

I agree.

 

From what I'm seeing, this isn't even a case of you already being embroiled in some intense affair for several months, where you both have declared feelings, slept together etc. At this point, you don't even know if he feels the same but are driving yourself crazy thinking you knowing he does will give some type of validation and peace of mind and then you'll go on and be friends. Gently, this doesn't really make sense. You can't be honest platonic friends with a married man whose wife you dislike, who you are smitten with, all the while hoping he feels the same.

 

We all get crushes and we just have to put them in perspective. Now you're making it seem like this crush is the single most important thing and so much rests on knowing how he feels etc...but it's not. He'll move in a week and as RainDown said, while your feelings won't disappear overnight, that space will hopefully lessen them and increase your clarity about how much this really matters. The more you think about him, talk about him and focus on him the bigger and bigger this thing grows in your mind. The less you feed it the less significant it becomes, trust me.

 

So yes, I do understand. But do I think you're stuck with these feelings and you can't do anything about it? No. Like any crush, you can feed it or starve it. You've currently been feeding it and feeding it, hence your friends are tired because you've admitted that's ALL you've talked about and monopolized your conversations with them talking about this man. Focusing on him so much like I said just elevates this crush even more. Hang with your friends, check out other attractive guys, heck, go on a date with someone else, do other things to occupy your time and lessen your focus on this guy. You say you won't cross the line, you don't want to wreck his marriage etc...but do you also get how you can't actually be friends? Do you also get that if you don't want those things you have to actively work for them not to occur esp if you like him? That means you have to consciously try to get over him and the crush by spending more energy on other things and less on him and trying to figure his feelings out.