New here - miserable

[Limbo4ever]

Is he in Individual Counseling? Are you?

 

Yes we are both in IC and we are looking for new MC because the last one sucks.

 

The other woman thought he was separated as he posted it at match.com. The other woman washed her hands, she said she doesn't feel remorse that a family is destroyed because she went into the relationship in good faith. I knew that she knew that my husband was still married when she came over because all my stuffs and pictures are all over the house so when she said she's assumed that he's separated she believed him. She also told me that she used him for sex and what came with it (free vacation and free dates) and she didn't care of there were small children in the house, to think she's a youth librarian. She also brings her BF to her friends house when they're on vacation to use their house for sex. That's a whore and no shamed at all!

 

My WH is transparent, I have the passwords, and he is transparent but I would never know if he's actually telling me everything. the trust is gone.

[Lois_Griffin]

I'm all in favor of couples attempting to reconcile but in this case I wonder whether the best way for you to have a happy marriage might be to get a new husband. Seriously, unemployed guy spending $3K on a vacation with his GF because he needs a break from taking care of his kids - how do you fix that kind of guy?

^^^ Repeated for truth. ^^^

 

I couldn't think of one positive thing to say about someone who's capable of stooping to these levels, and your post summed it up beautifully.

[sandylee1]

Sometimes people are really good at hiding their true selves . Could it be there was a side of him you never really knew?

 

I know job loss causes a range of emotions , but cheating to the point of using your children and bringing his OW into your home , do not sound like behaviours one develops overnight.

 

Quite often staying in marriage after betrayal is done out of fear of being alone, fear of starting over and fear of coping with the kids , especially for women , who often have the children living with them.

 

I'm glad your children are young enough not to know what their father did or who the OW was. Such blatant disrespect for you , could cause them emotional damage down the line.

 

Please don't waste your time thinking about the OW, it's not worth your energy. Your husband really stepped out of line big time here and he should be your focus.

 

A few things to think about :

 

Why does he want to reconcile?

Is it because you're the one earning?

 

Bear in mind the longer you stay married to him , the more you'll have to pay in spousal support if you later divorce.

 

My advice is he gets a job now and you get daycare or make other arrangements for the kids.

 

If you later feel you're done with the marriage , because of his cheating and you unable to heal ,,you'll find it will hit you very hard financially and that is what keeps many BSs in the marriage. Not love. You'll feel trapped.

 

I don't wish to make your pain any worse, but his betrayal was so bad, I don't know how you can be sure he really loves you after doing that?

 

Does HIS family know about the affair?

If so what was their reaction?

 

Asides from all the reading material on infidelity, a useful exercise is to ask your spouse to put themselves in your position. So you'd cheated and you're currently reconciling. What actions , behaviours , and words would he want from you to:

 

Show you loved him and he is the one you want to be with

Show you are a safe partner

Show you will utilise better coping mechanisms if there are problems later on

Show you are remorseful

 

It's something the WS may need time to think about and they should not be rushed to ream off a list. Let him think and make notes , then go through it together calmly.

 

Finally , I can see with your family here. They never expected this to happen and sometimes the pain you see your daughter /sister go through is so much more difficult to get over. They feel that you're being taken advantage of and likely that he hasn't had any consequences and that he doesn't deserve you and I know many family members in this situation ultimately fear , he'll do it again and you'll be hurt once more.

[m.snow]

if ever divorce does come; that's a big if. hopefully not and you manage to reconcile

but if

 

BE CAREFUL IN A DIVORCE!

 

he is the stay a home dad & you the working mom.

 

the court will give him custody, you will be paying child support & you will be paying alimony.

 

i know you still love him and working together to R but that's one side.

 

the other side i say you must be prepared for the worst just in case.

gather evidence of his escapades with OW. receipts & messages. store it somewhere safe that he cant find.

 

convince him to get a job, albeit even a part time small paying job or online job he can do at the house. without being to aggressive but assertive. this will be evidence in the future that he is capable of earning just not out his own volition. will reduce your alimony

[Mr. Lucky]

Why does he want to reconcile?

Is it because you're the one earning?

 

Bear in mind the longer you stay married to him , the more you'll have to pay in spousal support if you later divorce.

 

My advice is he gets a job now and you get daycare or make other arrangements for the kids.

 

My thoughts exactly. And I'd make his transition into the workforce a condition of reconciliation. He seems opportunistic at best, sociopathic at the worst...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Arieswoman]

Limbo4ever,

I am really sorry that you are going through this.

 

IMO The fact that your husband cheated in the martial bed shows he has no sense of personal integrity and has unexpressed anger issues towards you and the marriage.

 

I really can't advise you as to whether to go or stay.

 

However, I think it is very important that your husband does the heavy lifting here. He needs IC to explore his motivations and you need MC to work on this together.

 

I would suggest you get rid of the bed, if you haven't already done so.

 

And see a lawyer/solicitor to discuss your rights should you choose to divorce. It doesn't help to have your "ducks in a row".

 

Stay strong x

[No Limit]

Goodness woman, RUN! He's brought strangers over when your kids where there?! If you spend a little time googling you will find out that many of them notice what's going on. Tell him you'll castrate him should he ever take one of your kids to his dates and get an attorney ASAP. And burn that bed, ewww.

[Limbo4ever]

Sometimes people are really good at hiding their true selves . Could it be there was a side of him you never really knew?

 

You know, I thought I knew him - now I question myself. He said "he is going back to his old self, the one with high integrity, upstanding and righteous person" whether I stay with him or not. He said this is the only way for him to somewhat forgive himself to what he has done.

 

I know job loss causes a range of emotions , but cheating to the point of using your children and bringing his OW into your home , do not sound like behaviours one develops overnight.

 

I did asked him this so many times, he said, just like any other cheaters, he said he never though he will get caught and he thought only about himself, he wanted to spend more time with her and I was not home.

 

Quite often staying in marriage after betrayal is done out of fear of being alone, fear of starting over and fear of coping with the kids , especially for women , who often have the children living with them.

 

I think this is me, mostly my children, it paralyzed me to move because I feel this is not my children's fault but they're the one who's going to suffer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why does he want to reconcile?

- He said, he loves his family and now we are communiocating so much better even before the A and he can see a good future for us. He also said he loves me.

 

Is it because you're the one earning?

- He used to make a lot of money and we saved a lot. He wants me to even quit my job now so we can stay together as much as possible until I decided what I want to do, of course that's irrational way to do it. When we are all together as a family, I feel clouded that's why he wants to spend a lot of time with me. When I'm at work, I can think clearly or maybe obsessed a lot (don't know which one)

 

Bear in mind the longer you stay married to him , the more you'll have to pay in spousal support if you later divorce.

 

- I don't make that much for him to get any money from me

 

My advice is he gets a job now and you get daycare or make other arrangements for the kids.

 

I don't wish to make your pain any worse, but his betrayal was so bad, I don't know how you can be sure he really loves you after doing that?

 

I will never know what he truly feels, he does shows he love me now but you are right, his betrayal was so bad that I question myself all the time why am I still here. He knew what he did was so bad that when I found out, he had a nervous breakdown - he wanted to kill himself - he was hospitalized for 3 days

 

Does HIS family know about the affair?

If so what was their reaction?

 

- I told his mom. They're already have a strain relationship so now since I told her, she has not talked to my husband yet.

 

I have no idea how someone can get pass this, it's been 7 months, I still feel raw and in so much pain. I wish I could just grab my children and go away but I can't do that to them, they need a father and beside to what he has done, he is a good father.

[turnera]

To even consider staying, I would:

• Demand he get a GOOD full-time job. Daycares are wonderful these days and kids who don't go to daycare show up behind in Kindergarten. Don't let him stay home 'for the kids.' He has too much time on his hands.
   
  
• Demand he attends MC with me every 2 weeks for as long as I need it.
   
  
• Demand he get a polygraph.
   
  
• Demand he attends IC so that he gets the MLC bug out of his behind, or else he'll continue to cheat once the heat dies down.
   
  
• Demand access to his electronics AT ALL TIMES, with no hesitation, so you can verify.
   
  
• Demand he tell your parents/siblings what he did and apologize to them for hurting you.
   
  
• Demand he get STD testing if he hasn't already.
   
  
• Demand he go to the lawyer with you to draw up a postnup agreement stating that if he is discovered to be cheating again, he leaves the marriage without a dime.
  

 

If he balks at any of these, he's not really remorseful and will cheat again.

[sandylee1]

To even consider staying, I would:

• Demand he get a GOOD full-time job. Daycares are wonderful these days and kids who don't go to daycare show up behind in Kindergarten. Don't let him stay home 'for the kids.' He has too much time on his hands.
   
  
• Demand he attends MC with me every 2 weeks for as long as I need it.
   
  
• Demand he get a polygraph.
   
  
• Demand he attends IC so that he gets the MLC bug out of his behind, or else he'll continue to cheat once the heat dies down.
   
  
• Demand access to his electronics AT ALL TIMES, with no hesitation, so you can verify.
   
  
• Demand he tell your parents/siblings what he did and apologize to them for hurting you.
   
  
• Demand he get STD testing if he hasn't already.
   
  
• Demand he go to the lawyer with you to draw up a postnup agreement stating that if he is discovered to be cheating again, he leaves the marriage without a dime.
  

 

If he balks at any of these, he's not really remorseful and will cheat again.

 

Really good list ,but what's the poly for?

I'd hate to think there could be any more than the OP already knows.

[sandylee1]

You know, I thought I knew him - now I question myself. He said "he is going back to his old

 

 

 

- I told his mom. They're already have a strain relationship so now since I told her, she has not talked to my husband yet.

 

I have no idea how someone can get pass this, it's been 7 months, I still feel raw and in so much pain. I wish I could just grab my children and go away but I can't do that to them, they need a father and beside to what he has done, he is a good father.

 

 

Maybe you can't get passed this. Do you really think your H could get passed this if the tables were turned?

 

His direct actions could appear to make him look like a good father , but no 'good father ' hurts the mother of their children this way. His behaviour was way to risky. All it took was for you to come home early with a headache and he was busted . That's not being careful at all.

 

I know you're thinking of the kids , but if remaining in the marriage isn't working for you, then you need to do what's best for you. If you live close enough that the children can go between the both of you , they will eventually be okay.

 

I'm not sure if you're both in IC or MC , but you need to be .

 

I agree that he should apologise to your family for this as well. Maybe they won't want to see him , but he could write them a letter.

 

I would also suggest he joins an online support group, SurvivingInfidelity.com

 

They have a waywards forum and he'll get good advice there. If he truly wants to reconcile , he'll do it. I think even other WS will be shocked the way he involved the kids and used your home, but he'll be supported.

 

He needs to do the heavy lifting here. Do not hesitate to speak up and don't tolerate any resistance to your requests, because that shows he hasn't fully understand the enormity of his betrayal.

 

Another thing I'd recommend if you can, is to start doing things for yourself. Such as spa days , beauty treatments , a new hobby out of the house. Treat yourself and remember to spend time with just you and the kids , without him.

 

It's important that you see a life beyond him and know for yourself, you can be independent. Don't ever think you can't manage without him or make him your top priority, because he's shown you what he's capable of.

 

He should still get a job to get him out of the house or if you divorce he'll get primary custody

 

You may have to accept this marriage can't ever be the same again. Discuss these feelings in IC.

[turnera]

Really good list ,but what's the poly for?

I'd hate to think there could be any more than the OP already knows.

The poly AND the apology to the parents are for teaching the FWW the benefit of humility. The wayward will NEVER understand the depths of pain to which the betrayed is subjected. They simply can't. But having to suffer some hefty consequences as a direct result of their own actions can sometimes create a big enough chink in their chain such that, should another opportunity to cheat ever present itself, remembering having to humble one's self in front of your spouse's parents and beg their forgiveness for hurting their child, and having to look that polygraph examiner in the eyes, knowing that he knows WHY you are there...those are the kinds of things that just might prevent the cheater from going down that road again.

 

And it should give the cheater just a little compassion for what the betrayed went through.

[merrmeade]

I thought about this so many times. I am basing his history, He used to be a righteous, he was a hardworker, upstanding guy but I don't know what happen. He told me he broke, when he lost his high paying job and our marriage was at the edge that he needed someone to like him again. To his credit, he has been a great father but he made poor choices ... by involving my children to his affairs.

- maybe a few more than that.

[Limbo4ever]

Maybe you can't get passed this. Do you really think your H could get passed this if the tables were turned?

 

I don't know if I can get pass this, my father was a cheater, he cheated left and right and I was the product of one of his infidelity but even once he did not brought any of his mistresses to have sex in his house. I guess he have some little respect left to his wife.

 

If the table were turned? my WH has left me already, he used to be so rightoues that he will not tolerate this kind of behaviour so when I asked him this, he said he probably won't leave because of the children ( yeah right, he's just saying this because he's in this position)

[sandylee1]

I don't know if I can get pass this, my father was a cheater, he cheated left and right and I was the product of one of his infidelity but even once he did not brought any of his mistresses to have sex in his house. I guess he have some little respect left to his wife.

 

If the table were turned? my WH has left me already, he used to be so rightoues that he will not tolerate this kind of behaviour so when I asked him this, he said he probably won't leave because of the children ( yeah right, he's just saying this because he's in this position)

 

Is a trial separation possible?

 

It could be that you need the time to think without living under the same roof as your H.

 

Time to decide what you really want. It also let's it sink in to him , that you're struggling with this and let him realise that divorce is a real possibility.

 

You could allow yourself a certain period, maybe up to 18 months after the initial dday to decide if you can do this. Many people say 6 -12 months after dday.

 

I'm not sure of your kids ages again, but you could come up with a reason for it.

 

I've had BSs say even 10, 20 and 25 y+ years on , they never forget it and regret not leaving at the time. Just don't waste so many years and then find there's no point in leaving when your older and it's harder to start over.

 

You've got so much to deal with. It's a lot to try and get over.

 

You have the normal triggers , but your own home being a trigger is very difficult. This is a very good reason to sell up and move house. That's a reason your H needs to get a job, because if you did split up , you don't want to remain in the house where he brought his affair partners.

 

 

Can I ask if you are you from a culture that is more tolerant of male infidelity?

[Limbo4ever]

Is a trial separation possible?

 

We are somewhat in trial separation, I moved out in the house, we owned couple rental properties and one of the was vacant so I moved in there but he stayed with the kids and I most of the time. Couple days a week, we are not together.

 

Time to decide what you really want. It also let's it sink in to him , that you're struggling with this and let him realise that divorce is a real possibility.

 

- He knows that divorce is real possibility, he tells me everyday that everyday I'm still with him is a gift

 

 

I've had BSs say even 10, 20 and 25 y+ years on , they never forget it and regret not leaving at the time. Just don't waste so many years and then find there's no point in leaving when your older and it's harder to start over.

 

This is what I'm afraid for, I'm not a forgiving person and I don't want to be bitter for the rest of my life.

 

You've got so much to deal with. It's a lot to try and get over.

 

I know, I want to give up sometimes, I just don't know what I need to do to give up.

 

You have the normal triggers , but your own home being a trigger is very difficult. This is a very good reason to sell up and move house. That's a reason your H needs to get a job, because if you did split up , you don't want to remain in the house where he brought his affair partners.

 

Yes, he wants to move anywhere I want as long as I stay with him. Looking for a job? I don't know, he have some anxiety over it which I don't understand.

 

 

Can I ask if you are you from a culture that is more tolerant of male infidelity?

 

I grow up in the Philippines, because there's no divorce over there so infidelity is common there but our values/culture also played into it, "for better or worse", most people will stay in the marriage not because there's no divorce. I married a american with german/irish decent with supposed to be with a high integrity and honorable man. I guess I am wrong.

[Cephalopod]

We teach people how to treat us.

[No Limit]

But your fate lies in your hands, not your husbands'. Why is your husband still around for several days a week after you've moved out? Slam the door in his face and let your attorney handle it. Tell WH to give you a call about visitation schedules.

[Limbo4ever]

But your fate lies in your hands, not your husbands'. Why is your husband still around for several days a week after you've moved out? Slam the door in his face and let your attorney handle it. Tell WH to give you a call about visitation schedules.

 

Because this is supposed to be a trial separation and I don't know if I'm going to stay or not. I just want to know how my children will be affected with this changes.

[turnera]

Because this is supposed to be a trial separation and I don't know if I'm going to stay or not. I just want to know how my children will be affected with this changes.

He keeps saying you're a gift, a day with you is a gift, blah blah blah.

 

YOU can change this, Limbo. Tell him that to even consider reconciling with him he'd have to have a regular full-time job. He'd have to give you complete access to his electronics so you can verify what he does. We can give you a whole list of what he needs to do to EARN you back.

 

Instead, you just let this stupid limbo play out, GETTING NOWHERE.

 

Tell him to stay at his own place. Tell him what you'd need to see to consider taking him back (including a JOB!). Tell him you need time away from him to clear your head; every day he's there, he's softening your resolve.

 

As for the kids? They need to see STRONG parents doing what they know is good for the kids. And they do NOT need to live in a home where one of the parents cheats and suffers no consequences; that just teaches THEM to become cheaters.

[sandylee1]

You're spending too much time with him for it to be a real seperation experience. No more dinners and meals together acting like a normal family , otherwise you are not getting a true picture of how it feels.

 

You need to take care of YOU. I also think you should be spending time with the kids without him. Otherwise he'll be going for full custody. You said money isn't an issue, so cut down on your hours where you have days with the kids and do what he does.

 

Let him have the feeling of how a divorce would be. With joint custody. Playing happy families in the midst of this infidelity isn't helping you.

 

Your H had very flimsy excuses cheat, so why won't he do it again?

 

Wanting to spend time with the OW was so important, that he had no problem involving your children.

 

The total lack of regard for you as his wife bringing these women whose morals are in the gutter to your house........... I once went back to a cheating boyfriend after he begged me. I regretted it. I never trusted him after that.

 

On forgiveness.........Having your heart trampled over is so painful. The going to bed thinking about it , dreaming about it and waking up thinking about it. Then knowing the person who did this is right there. ..........it can leave you bitter and drive you mad. Don't let another human being drive you crazy. Some things we just can't get passed and this could be one of them.

 

You don't have to hate him , though you might. Just get to a place where you can work together as parents. My friends MIL stayed through 3 affairs, producing 9 kids and she is a bitter old woman because of it. Don't be her.

 

You need to arrange a schedule and either you pick the kids up from him or he drops them to you. It needs to have the feeling of living apart.

 

Him getting a job is very important. Let's not forget he was cheated with his freetime, although he'd have cheated anyway.

 

Men (and women)from everywhere cheat. Integrity comes from within .

Edited June 30, 2015 by sandylee1
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