Author SweetKitten Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Hmm... so the question is "what's this all about?"? It seems to consist of the OP feeding us all a few "facts" for us to try to interpret and then gleefully telling everyone off for how wrong they are, when they try to interpret those same "facts". I don't think I quite understand what you mean. Am I supposed to lay out full details about their lives and mine? If so, of course I'm not going to do that. There is a bit of privacy involved in this. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) Thank you for clarifying. And I'm aware it might raise questions, but I need to. I think I really need to regardless of the questions he may ask. I can attempt to keep those questions from being asked. Lol, I'm starting to think I need to ask all guys if their married or not. That was a joke, btw I think that's a great opening question. Are you married, engaged, shacked up? Yes... Next! Edited June 22, 2015 by Lurkeraspect 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Lol, I'm starting to think I need to ask all guys if their married or not. That was a joke, btw It shouldn't be a joke. After having experienced it once myself, it's one of my first questions - if they're in a relationship with anyone. And I surprised it's not your first instinct, too. I don't even ask if they're single, as one douche had the audacity to tell me that a serious girlfriend doesn't mean he's not single, as to him, single means not-married. I always ask. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I don't think I quite understand what you mean. Am I supposed to lay out full details about their lives and mine? If so, of course I'm not going to do that. There is a bit of privacy involved in this. Do you know what disingenuous means? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyRock Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I just want to throw in here, that unless your first MM wife is aware he had an affair with you, and that he still talks to you, that's is very very bad for him and his wife. Do unto others... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Lol, I'm starting to think I need to ask all guys if their married or not. That was a joke, btw I do. Seriously. And, not just if they are married, I ask that or if they in a relationship or seeing someone. In my age group, about 90% of them end up saying yes they have someone else. That is where the conversation ends. I don't need anymore "friends". Be happy that you're young and a lot more people are still single. Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Be happy that you're young and a lot more people are still single. For real. Focus on the guys who are available! Don't waste your precious years focused on guys who aren't even in the dating pool! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetKitten Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 Do you know what disingenuous means? Yes. So... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Sweet Kitten You can solve byour problem easily if you really want to. You texted this man when you did not know he was married. And conveniently he did not volunteer the information. Makes him a real "Prince Charming, right???? Now since at this point you are saying you have now done nothing further to encourage this, at this point it is just a misiunderstanding, right?????? So why don't you walk up to his wfie, whom you say you like a lot, andf tell her that you apologize but that before you knew her husband was married you sent him a flirtateous text, but that nothing has happened and you now know he is married and jnust wanted her to know that you meant no harm to their relationship. And guess what will happen???. She will thank you and yes Prince Charming will have some questions to answer at home. And the net result will be this littled pre affair dance will end abruptly, as you say you would like it to be. Now, if everything you have posted here about your not doing any more flirting is true, that would be a good ending to this episode. But somehow, I doubt you will do this because at that point the little "hunt" will be over and the excitement will be gone. If its all so innocent at this point, what s wrong with what I just suggested????? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetKitten Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 I just want to throw in here, that unless your first MM wife is aware he had an affair with you, and that he still talks to you, that's is very very bad for him and his wife. Do unto others... Bad that I remain friends with him? Or what? Link to post Share on other sites
MuddyFootprints Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Unless you are a friend to the marriage, you are not just a friend. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Bad that I remain friends with him? Or what? But see? You're not friends with him. You are coworkers. You've exchanged some flirty glances, nothing more. You've met his wife, know he's married, and claim to want to do the right thing. So...do the right thing. Knock off this little crush. It's pointless, and will lead absolutely nowhere. You're not friends, have never been friends, cannot be friends. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetKitten Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 But see? You're not friends with him. You are coworkers. You've exchanged some flirty glances, nothing more. You've met his wife, know he's married, and claim to want to do the right thing. So...do the right thing. Knock off this little crush. It's pointless, and will lead absolutely nowhere. You're not friends, have never been friends, cannot be friends. No, no...coworker MM and I are NC. We WERE friends, but if I need to distance myself, I will. Previous MM that I cut contact with over a year or so ago and I are friends now. He's not even in the same state as me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SweetKitten Posted June 22, 2015 Author Share Posted June 22, 2015 And it's entirely possible to be friends with coworkers. Up till this sudden NC, I would have considered the two of us friends and I'm sure he thought we still were which is why he asked me what was wrong? I don't know what was going through his head yesterday. He may be relieved. But he seemed distracted and much less friendly. Not to me. Because we didn't talk. But to everyone else. Could have just been a bad day. I don't know. It's none of my concern. Also, the only reason I noticed that day in particular was because I took on someone else's shift as a cashier and of course he happened to be one too that day. Normally, we are in completely separate areas of our store. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 Thank you for clarifying. And I'm aware it might raise questions, but I need to. I think I really need to regardless of the questions he may ask. I can attempt to keep those questions from being asked. Lol, I'm starting to think I need to ask all guys if their married or not. That was a joke, btw It shouldn't be a joke. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking if a guy you're interested in has a gf or a wife/involved with someone. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 No, no...coworker MM and I are NC. We WERE friends, but if I need to distance myself, I will. Previous MM that I cut contact with over a year or so ago and I are friends now. He's not even in the same state as me. Does his wife know? See, this is the boundary thing again. You two are EX affair partners, why would you allow a friendship, albeit casual, to continue? Especially knowing that he is married and a child now. Does his wife know that you two are friends? See, that kind of friendship is selfish - Spouse doesn't know, it's hidden and taboo, and conversations can easily lead to crossing lines. What purpose does he serve in your life? Especially after he hurt you and lied to you from the get go? Then a year or two later you reach out to say hello to him and now are in touch on occasion? Also, you can't be the current MM's buddy or friend in the future. Just keep it professional, only deal with him when you have to and don't have any more personal chit chat with him. If he asks why you're so distant, might as well be honest and say you're married and I am not comfortable being your friend or your buddy, so please respect my wishes. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RoseVille Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 And it's entirely possible to be friends with coworkers. Up till this sudden NC, I would have considered the two of us friends and I'm sure he thought we still were which is why he asked me what was wrong? I don't know what was going through his head yesterday. He may be relieved. But he seemed distracted and much less friendly. Not to me. Because we didn't talk. But to everyone else. Could have just been a bad day. I don't know. It's none of my concern. The whole point of this thread is asking how he's feeling, so I'm glad you finally came to the understanding that it shouldn't matter, that it's none of your concern, because he's married. And yes, I bet he's relieved that he doesn't have to interact with a female coworker who's coming on to him anymore. That's a very awkward situation to put him in. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
gwaimui Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 I have been a long time lurker on this site, but viewing this thread compelled me to post. I have been looking at your posts, Sweet Kitten, and others posts as well, and I think the reference to addiction and drugs is apt....If you talk to a group of hard drug users, and say "I am curious about trying hard drugs" the majority of them will say "What? You're insane! don't be stupid! just don't, walk away and get out while you can"...You might think, well, they are using hard drugs, so why do they think I am insane? The reason is, most people using drugs are living their own personal hell and would take it back if they could, but are now in too deep. Look around the forum, rarely are these stories with happy endings. Luckily, you didn't get in too far, but slippery slopes happen, and they happen ALOT... I never thought I would be in such a situation. At first, it was a little "harmless" joking, then flirting, then he held my hand "because it was cold" then hugs, then a kiss on the cheek, then lips, then making out, then it got sexual...it might not have been intercourse, but it was enough to screw with my mind, spiral me into a depression, give me the highs and lows,to which it seems the lows were always greater than the little highs I got. I got insanely jealous when he texted someone else, it ate me up. When he asked me for favors, I got excited because it felt like "well if he asks me to do all these things for him, it means I'm special, right?" No, he was just using me. But anyways, all this came from "harmless attraction and joking" with a friend. Anyways, that's great you are going to go NC with him, etc, but you are an adult, you are going to do what you're going to do. I can tell you one thing though, its a rollercoaster to hell, because no matter what the outcome, (he goes for you, he leaves his wife, he stays, whatever) there will be pain and tears. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 It wasnt until I was nearly 22 that I reached out to him to see how he AND his wife were. . Why did you really reach out to him ? Were you hoping he was now free and single? Or to get back into the affair regardless? Reaching out to a guy who deceived you isn't the norm. Just imaging this was your husband or your sister's husband. Would you want a another woman doing this? I think not Just do the right thing and respect his wife, even if you don't respect him. Those boundaries are really important. You were deceived with the last MM, now you should really recognise that another woman's husband , is NOT available. I know it sounds really simple , but it is if you want it to be. Remember , his wife is a person and not Cruella Deville. I'm hopeful you'll be okay. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
truncated Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) I DO want him. No doubt about that. I DONT want to be a homewrecker. I DONT want to **** him. I can do that with anyone if that were genuinely my main concern. I could easily give in to the other guys that flirt with me at work if male attention was important, but I don't. I did feel this attraction before I even KNEW he had a wife. It detered me to begin with. I didn't meet his wife until a month or so after he started working with us. I gave it the good old, "oh well, that sucks" until I felt like he was being too friendly. Which is why I took to this forum. I don't want an affair. I really, really don't. I'm doing my best to make heads or tails of this. It's a first and I'm very afraid that if it comes down to it, I will. Are you that unable to control yourself? I mean come on, who do you think you're kidding here. You say you don't want to get into an affair, then why are you asking all these questions about how he's thinking/feeling and sending him a text saying you find him attractive? That is NOT the behavior of someone who doesn't want an affair. that's the behavior of someone who does, and is trying to soothe their conscience by pretending they did everything to stop it, but still couldn't help themselves. If you don't want an affair, then it doesn't matter why he does what he does, says what he says, or anything else. All you need to is keep your work contact with him strictly professional, ignore any attempts you feel he is making at flirting with you, and go and find some other way to spend your free time besides obsessing over him. Edited June 22, 2015 by truncated 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 (edited) Previous MM that I cut contact with over a year or so ago and I are friends now. He's not even in the same state as me. Many years ago, I unknowingly got involved with a lying scumbag who claimed to be separated and living in another part of the marital home while waiting for it to sell. He claimed his wife was occasionally dating and he was doing the same. It took a little while for me to discover his blatant LIES and manipulation (quite by mistake I found out)., I had exactly ZERO loyalty for this low-life piece of sh*t once I found out, and the gloves came off. Anyone who thinks it's perfectly OK to con me is not a 'friend' and certainly not a 'best friend' and deserves exactly ZERO respect from me. And that's exactly what he got. I contacted his wife and told her everything. EVERYTHING. And I backed it up with enough incriminating evidence that he'd never be able to lie his way out of it in this lifetime, or his next. He'll be lucky if he never physically crosses my path ever again. You ask if you should be friends with someone who thought SO little of you and had absolutely no respect for you whatsoever that he thought it was ok to con you into a fake relationship because he wanted something on the side? Seriously? Edited June 22, 2015 by Lois_Griffin 5 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 And no, pickings are slim. Were you saying there are no available single men in your area or there are? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted June 22, 2015 Share Posted June 22, 2015 And no, pickings are slim. The above is no excuse to start a relationship with a married man. There are more ways for you to meet men than you can shake a stick at, and you obviously know how to flirt and send flirty texts so slim pickings is your own decision, not reality. Link to post Share on other sites
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