Broke NC, wife attempts vague contact!

[MatchStick]

It's been two years...

 

It's over.

 

Anything that he offers you is an open invitation to NOTHING.

 

Two years.

 

Done.

 

I honestly don't get what you're up about. It's been over for a long time.

 

 

Some mutual friends asked me if I was going to contact him. Initially, I said no. They were so surprised at my decision to go NC, and I didn't give a lot of details. They didn't realize that the status of friendship was that much of a fall-out. By the way he attempted contact for over a year, I suspect he may have thought "I as just mad". He did leave this last interaction giving me a private, no wife, email. In any case, some friends thought I should at least tell him I'd be in town.....even he didn't want to see me. For example, how would you feel if someone you always visited suddenly came into town and didn't contact you? In any case, I'm also being told its socially appropriate to at least let him know I'll be in town. I don't connect with it, but it did have some unexpected personal benefits.

 

 

I'll never now for sure, but I think he didn't take me seriously, initially wanted to see how I would feel in a few months, and deals with a wife who is like this: has anger fits, and then comes around. Never sticks to threats or courses of action. Blows over, and they go on.

[MatchStick]

And, FYI,

 

He doesn't want to be your friend, rather you're, FB. Big difference.

 

 

I take him and hold him at face value. But I've seen enough of him not to be stupid. No, he's going to go after the drop-panties part regardless. I learned almost too late that he was putting on me the yes or the no. He can play the married card anytime he wanted, and didn't do so until wife caught wind.

For me, there was a building anger I had to be the one standing there with the 'down boy' club. I certainly don't think I was signaling 'comehither' either.

 

 

He could have always said, 'I didn't have an affair with her" (looks good, huh) and not because he didn't try.......but because I said no.

 

 

It's a bit vague now, but I do know I felt put upon, the Decider if this was going to happen or not, and darn, if I didn't have to pick up the 'down boy' stick quite a few times.

 

 

With friends like this, who needs enemies.

 

 

I'm not taking for granted where he's at......remember, wife is monitoring. I do hold him at face value.

[Trimmer]

Contact was a luxury. Remember, I can't call his house. I want the wife to read the email. (And for the record, her responses are on her, not me. I didn't make her feel a thing. She made of it what she wanted. Oh, yeah, no one in the universe sent me a thank you card for insisting and blocking her husband while those two were supposed to be all kissy make-up.) My contact about my travel/work success was about the only thing I did have to say to him. Any will to interact was begrudging. Wife read. Hubby declined: wife read that too. That should make her happy. There really would be no need for her to attempt contact with me. Pestilence gone.

Actually, from her perspective (which you seem to have trouble empathizing with) it is exactly the opposite. From her point of view, you had the affair, you ended it, for a year she may or may not have known that he tried to contact you, but over the past year, he apparently stopped and things had settled down. Affair over.

 

Now you contact him. Pestilence has returned.

 

You inserted yourself into an apparently stable situation, and destabilized it.

 

It sounds like you took away something positive for yourself, so I suppose that's good for you. It's kinda like you're on a trip, and driving away from a short rest, saying "whew, that was refreshing" as the gas station you just left burns in your rear-view mirror.

[MatchStick]

Sorry I'm wrong here, so basically opening the door up again after 2 years of NC (you breaking contact) for him to close the door on you now has set you free and you feel good? Why does it take him to do that and not the 2 years of NC previous?

 

 

Of course, over two years, my processes have been taking place. I only described the tail end.

[MatchStick]

Actually, from her perspective (which you seem to have trouble empathizing with) it is exactly the opposite. From her point of view, you had the affair, you ended it, for a year she may or may not have known that he tried to contact you, but over the past year, he apparently stopped and things had settled down. Affair over.

 

Now you contact him. Pestilence has returned.

 

You inserted yourself into an apparently stable situation, and destabilized it.

 

It sounds like you took away something positive for yourself, so I suppose that's good for you. It's kinda like you're on a trip, and driving away from a short rest, saying "whew, that was refreshing" as the gas station you just left burns in your rear-view mirror.

 

 

Really? I have that much power!? What a load on me! My rare appearance destabilizes a stable situation? Didn't take much.

 

 

I see a lot of assumptions made about what he's thinking. I don't know, really. I'm saying I've seen him put on a good front. I'm saying I've had to listen to my gut, because things are not what they seem.

 

 

And I'm saying I should be able to go about my daily life, and talk to who I want (with good intent) without fear of havoc reining before and after me especially when my input hasn't been enough to light a candle.

[Red123]

Really? I have that much power!? What a load on me! My rare appearance destabilizes a stable situation? Didn't take much.

 

 

I see a lot of assumptions made about what he's thinking. I don't know, really. I'm saying I've seen him put on a good front. I'm saying I've had to listen to my gut, because things are not what they seem.

 

 

And I'm saying I should be able to go about my daily life, and talk to who I want (with good intent) without fear of havoc reining before and after me especially when my input hasn't been enough to light a candle.

 

Regardless of how stable the reconciliation is after an affair, when NC is broken it does create instability. When a BS agrees to reconcile NC forever is almost always a condition, so when the xAP contacts again, especially after such a long period of time, it brings up a lot of questions in the BS. I can't figure out why you don't think that asking to see your xAP when your in NC, his wife knowing about the affair, isn't you causing a problem for them. Every time my Hs xAP contacted him after he went Nc it upset me and it was hard to move forward, even though he rejected her. You also stated that she was monitoring him, don't be surprised if he is willingly showing her your contact, to prove that he done with affair.

[Morro72]

Really? I have that much power!? What a load on me! My rare appearance destabilizes a stable situation? Didn't take much.

It sounds like your goal is to see how much contact you can get away with without blowing your xMM's life. Of course you'll only know for sure when you go too far and actually do blow it up. Just like every three-year-old on the planet, trying to see how far he can push things before getting sent to his room.

 

Grow up.

[MatchStick]

Regardless of how stable the reconciliation is after an affair, when NC is broken it does create instability. When a BS agrees to reconcile NC forever is almost always a condition, so when the xAP contacts again, especially after such a long period of time, it brings up a lot of questions in the BS. I can't figure out why you don't think that asking to see your xAP when your in NC, his wife knowing about the affair, isn't you causing a problem for them. Every time my Hs xAP contacted him after he went Nc it upset me and it was hard to move forward, even though he rejected her. You also stated that she was monitoring him, don't be surprised if he is willingly showing her your contact, to prove that he done with affair.

 

 

I'll take it under advisement I may be causing instability, but I still think its unlikely.

 

 

I don't think of myself as a full fledged Affair partner. We were not physically involved. I am not available that way, and that was known to him.

 

 

He went off to counseling and because I know NC would be expected, I was surprised he didn't initiate that with me. Tried to hold onto both of us.

NC means different things to different people, so I'll shed some light on that.

 

 

How DD happened is that a public event came up. Because of work and hobby interests and he'd be around, I thought he'd like to go. He would have to clear it with wife, and she did. It was an amazing day, and lots of cool stuff happened to the both of us. I sent him home, across the continent, reminding him to tell all about his cool adventures. The way I understand it, he gets home in the afternoon, and by night/bed time, wife hammers him. She accuses him of being attracted to me (they had had relations for 8 or so years), never did accuse of an affair, just being more than friends. Then puts it to him "Who does he want to spend time with: her or me." They were to get on track or get separated. Ok, he goes off to counseling. I went NC out of self-preservation. I insisted he go no contact to do what he said he wanted to do: get it together with wife. The only way I would ever contact him again was on my terms, when I felt good about it, and when I felt safe. I had to painfully and tearfully end any illusion of friendship because of concern he couldn't be just a friend.

 

 

I also wondered what he told her about our approved time together. I can't help wondering if he didn't prompt a jealous reaction. At the end of it all, it 'seemed' I was really a distraction, and he had many of them. Sports, work: and it was my take he sought to spend time with anything BUT her. I was just the tangible one. While I was upset by her reaction and what I saw as a nice thing I did for a friend, I kind of got where she was coming from. There was discord for many many years, and he strung her along to stay, but ignored 'her'. Found distractions, if not me then something else.

 

 

Believe me, I was flabbergasted this thing went south, and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

 

I don't know what you think of her contact, but it was nothing like 'leave my man alone.' As a matter of fact, it was friendly. Had it been a normal girlfriend, I would have chit chatted back. Anxiety: I have no idea where she's coming from, and I don't want to play. My reaction was that she was calmed down, maybe apologetic for overreacting, and cool with me. Assumption land, assumption land......until it all blows up.

 

 

It is more than OK he might show contact to prove himself to her. Bully for him. I never made a play for him to begin with. We all can guess at where he is really at. Over the past two years, I only 'think' he's attempted contact from a scale of very likely to maybe-its-me. Once again, I have wondered if, to verify, I was being set up. I call, I show interest. I call, I get 'I decline'. etc.

 

 

I may run into him in a month, and in two, we may be in the same building at the same time. I know now its OK. I think he got why I contacted him. He did say he appreciated the outreach, and did wish me the best. I think its clear on both sides there really is nothing more. It's good to know.

[autumnnight]

Basically you're just self centered with no ability to see past your own nose. I can't believe anyone wouldn't know it is not a good idea to contact a former affair partner and that anyone would have trouble understanding why it might upset his wife.

[Shadowburn]

I'll take it under advisement I may be causing instability, but I still think its unlikely.

 

 

I don't think of myself as a full fledged Affair partner. We were not physically involved. I am not available that way, and that was known to him.

 

 

He went off to counseling and because I know NC would be expected, I was surprised he didn't initiate that with me. Tried to hold onto both of us.

NC means different things to different people, so I'll shed some light on that.

 

 

How DD happened is that a public event came up. Because of work and hobby interests and he'd be around, I thought he'd like to go. He would have to clear it with wife, and she did. It was an amazing day, and lots of cool stuff happened to the both of us. I sent him home, across the continent, reminding him to tell all about his cool adventures. The way I understand it, he gets home in the afternoon, and by night/bed time, wife hammers him. She accuses him of being attracted to me (they had had relations for 8 or so years), never did accuse of an affair, just being more than friends. Then puts it to him "Who does he want to spend time with: her or me." They were to get on track or get separated. Ok, he goes off to counseling. I went NC out of self-preservation. I insisted he go no contact to do what he said he wanted to do: get it together with wife. The only way I would ever contact him again was on my terms, when I felt good about it, and when I felt safe. I had to painfully and tearfully end any illusion of friendship because of concern he couldn't be just a friend.

 

 

I also wondered what he told her about our approved time together. I can't help wondering if he didn't prompt a jealous reaction. At the end of it all, it 'seemed' I was really a distraction, and he had many of them. Sports, work: and it was my take he sought to spend time with anything BUT her. I was just the tangible one. While I was upset by her reaction and what I saw as a nice thing I did for a friend, I kind of got where she was coming from. There was discord for many many years, and he strung her along to stay, but ignored 'her'. Found distractions, if not me then something else.

 

 

Believe me, I was flabbergasted this thing went south, and there was nothing I could do about it.

 

 

I don't know what you think of her contact, but it was nothing like 'leave my man alone.' As a matter of fact, it was friendly. Had it been a normal girlfriend, I would have chit chatted back. Anxiety: I have no idea where she's coming from, and I don't want to play. My reaction was that she was calmed down, maybe apologetic for overreacting, and cool with me. Assumption land, assumption land......until it all blows up.

 

 

It is more than OK he might show contact to prove himself to her. Bully for him. I never made a play for him to begin with. We all can guess at where he is really at. Over the past two years, I only 'think' he's attempted contact from a scale of very likely to maybe-its-me. Once again, I have wondered if, to verify, I was being set up. I call, I show interest. I call, I get 'I decline'. etc.

 

 

I may run into him in a month, and in two, we may be in the same building at the same time. I know now its OK. I think he got why I contacted him. He did say he appreciated the outreach, and did wish me the best. I think its clear on both sides there really is nothing more. It's good to know.

 

You are writing paragraph after paragraph, analyzing and over-analyzing situation that's been over for TWO frikkin years.

Are you sure you've moved on and not secretly obsessing over him? Because it sure looks like it.

[Lurkeraspect]

I just read all of this thread again (as hard as that was) and I'm now questioning if there truly ever was any sort of affair, outside of your mind.

 

What is your endgame here?

 

I posted a page or so back that this MM was only interested in being your FB. I now take that back. He's not interested in you at all. Maybe never was. The more you ramble, the more you look a tad unhinged and stalkerish. Whatever happened (long distance EA?) it's well over, for everyone but you.

 

I think some IC could help you sort out this fantasy you are insistent to hang on to.

[MatchStick]

Sorry dont relate. Not true and thats just mean.

[RoseVille]

I can't relate to your situation, MatchStick. After two years, I barely think of guys I was once involved with, even serious relationships. And after two years, I wouldn't be reaching out to them if I was going to be within a 35 mile radius from them. I'd have moved on entirely by then.

 

Especially if they were married.

 

None of this makes much sense...?

[ladydesigner]

Matchstick it seems all you have done is reopen wounds for you, him and his wife, why?