Did my wife have an affair, or a fling?

[fireflywy]

Must admit Minimariah, I've considered all 3 of your suggestions over the last 5 weeks. I feel I deserve it. But then I feel it would not be conducive to reconciliation if I were to do the same as my wife. Not sure if I could handle an open marriage judging by the intensity of my feelings after her cheating.

 

How about option #4 and #5

 

4. Open Divorce

5. Find a WORTHY mate.

[whichwayisup]

Really appreciate all of your quick responses. This helps. Thus far, I'm seeing the general consensus as:

 

 

1) A 'fling' is still an affair.

2) The wording shouldn't really matter, its whether or not I can reconcile that matters.

 

Is she remorseful? Owned what she's done? Is she still in contact with the OM, communicating through fb, email or text? Is it actually over between them?

 

Is she worthy of a second chance, to prove to you she can be trustworthy again? Would you ever feel comfortable trusting her to travel alone again in the future?

 

No decision has to be made to separate/divorce today or tomorrow..

[whichwayisup]

Good call. She has blamed me since D-day. Not meeting her emotional and sexual needs. HOWEVER. Just yesterday we had a huge breakthrough. I quoted her this that I found on a website:

 

 

You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair! Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair. Your spouse had many other choices about how to deal with marital problems; up to and including the "I want a divorce" speech. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

 

She immediately said that this quote was obviously taken from a site dedicated to angry betrayed spouses. But by this morning she had done a 180 on this issue, and agreed that the word CHOICE had finally made her realize that I was not at fault. After my wife's revelation, I'm now thinking that a foundation for reconciliation has appeared, and that is why I'm appealing to you all. And again, THANKS TO YOU ALL for the advice.

 

No where in there did I see her apologize to you, show you genuine remorse. She is telling you what you want to hear so you will leave her alone!!

 

Get to marriage counseling immediately. You put down rules she MUST follow (being an open book, allowing you access to her social media, phone etc) otherwise, she can pack a bag and GO to the OM.

[Sunk]

I am very sorry that your wife cheated on you.

 

(Full disclosure, I am a former WW).

 

I know things are very emotional right now and others might even be suggesting you should immediately pull the plug - she's a cheater after all. Perhaps that's the right thing to do, but I'm not sure you know that yet.

 

The thing that disturbs me the most is the level of minimizing I hear from her. It was "a fling" and she is hanging onto some quote from a blog. No, she cheated. I don't even like the term "affair" because it romanticizes something that should be called what it is - CHEATING. You are lying, betraying, and hiding. It's cheating.

 

 

 

Others have suggested she likely isn't telling you everything. It's POSSIBLE she is, but probable she is not. Most adults with physical access to each other don't stop at oral sex with 4 days back to back. Even if she did stop there...it doesn't really matter. Who stuck what where...? The line has been crossed. She is still trying to make it sound less bad.

 

Fortunately, the guy is in another country. That's good. But I would want to see a very different attitude from her if I were you. She needs to understand the full consequences of her actions, the pain it is causing you and will continue to cause you. She can't call it something it's not. She needs to admit it to you AND herself before anything like reconciliation can make an appearance.

 

I wish you the best.

 

Kind and sage words. Thank-you.

Sunk.

[Darth Vader]

Kind and sage words. Thank-you.

Sunk.

 

 

Chances are, she had full blown, mind blowing sex with this guy without a condom. She's not sorry for her affair, she's sorry she got caught. Drop her ass!

[aliveagain]

Hello,

My wife of 9 years left on a 6 week hiking holiday in Asia with a single girlfriend (who is also a close friend of mine) about 3 months ago. Having 100% trust in my wife, and having little interest in hiking, I freely encouraged my wife to go and have her dream vacation, while I looked after the dog. Long story short: hours after her arrival I was suspicious that she cheated, confronted her, and she admitted to infidelity. We are now 5 weeks beyond D-Day, and are in the middle of marital hell. We are both now in individual and couples counselling. We are so at odds, that we can not even agree as to what to call the cheating, thus I'm turning to the judgement of you readers, and I thank anyone in advance for responding. These are only the details that my wife has admitted to:

 

 

Day1: flirting and a goodnight kiss

Day2: flirting, kissing, groping, all day and night long

Day3: both naked in bed, condom on, about to have sex but a knock on the door prevented this. Some hours later oral sex.

Day4: oral sex

Day5 to Day18: Multiple Facebook messages daily, including a love song created and sent to my wife.

 

 

My wife had called this 'a four night stand'. Yet the cheating involved both an emotional and sexual element. Now she refers to it as a 'fling' which was inspired by this quote from a blog that she respects:

 

This close friend of yours is no close friend because a close friend would have never allowed your wife to be alone with a single male specially over a period of 4 nights. Get rid of her because you'll never feel safe anytime she and your wife go out together. This is the first holiday without you and she's giving strangers blowjobs? What are the chances that you would throw away a perfectly good rubber because someone knocked on the door? Most men I know only take a rubber off after it's been used. He had to have a pretty emotionally connection with your wife for him to write her a song. You can get STD's from oral, finger insertion, any exchange of bodily fluids(which usually happens when a single man puts his penis in a married woman's mouth). She must have received oral or other stimulation from him, they were naked in bed, she had his penis in her mouth. I think your getting some serious minimizing from your wife.

 

Get tested for STD's, make sure she get's tested too, some STD's don't even show up until 6 months after the sexual event. Bottom line is she cheated on you regardless of what title you put on it. Her friend was part of it because she did nothing to stop it or report it to you after it happened. The question really is, what do you want to do about it? You can't trust your wife because you now know if the opportunity presents itself your wife will act on it. You have no children by the sounds of it, is this the woman you want to grow old with? It is up to her to make you feel safe again, if she can't do that than there is no sense in wasting to much time with her. Does it really matter what title you put on what she did with other man, just change the word to infidelity, that should cover it all. Infidelity is always romantic until you get caught. Pick a date, if little has changed or you still don't feel safe by that time finish what her infidelity started, end it.

[LifeNomad]

i say it can be either or both, same thing. a fling can be an affair and an affair can be a fling, just a different name for it. Any fling can be an affair and any affair a fling if you think about it.

[Chi townD]

I hate to say it dude. But, your wife probably didn't tell you the truth about what happened those four days.

 

 

One thing about cheaters when they're confessing is that they will only tell you the bare minimum of what truly happened so it doesn't seem so bad. I mean, think about it. This happened in Asia, you have no way to verify what exactly happened. And since it was easy for her to cheat on you, she could find it very easy to lie to you. I mean, you have no reason to trust anything she says right now.

[jen1447]

i say it can be either or both, same thing. a fling can be an affair and an affair can be a fling, just a different name for it. Any fling can be an affair and any affair a fling if you think about it.

 

I don't think so. Pretty sure the general consensus is that "affair" means sth sustained and more likely involving romance, and "fling" is a one-off or very short term thing, usually just sexual. There's a reason they're called different things.

 

They both fall under the infidelity heading tho of course and essentially mean the same thing in practical terms of betrayal.

[Chi townD]

I don't think so. Pretty sure the general consensus is that "affair" means sth sustained and more likely involving romance, and "fling" is a one-off or very short term thing, usually just sexual. There's a reason they're called different things.

 

They both fall under the infidelity heading tho of course and essentially mean the same thing in practical terms of betrayal.

 

Well, then it wasn't just a "fling" then. I mean, after she got back, she continued to message him through social media. That falls out of it just being sexual. Unless, she was taking it from a fling and into an affair. He just happened across it before it got off the ground.

[bubbaganoosh]

You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair! Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair. Your spouse had many other choices about how to deal with marital problems; up to and including the "I want a divorce" speech. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

 

She immediately said that this quote was obviously taken from a site dedicated to angry betrayed spouses.

 

And your response to her should have been That she's 100% right and you are an angry and betrayed spouse who trusted his wife and found out that her word and bond mean nothing and she threw the trust you had for her out the window.

 

If your smart, you get a hold of her girlfriend who she went with and tell her to never ever call your home, text your wife or show up and you let your wife know it too. And for the cherry on top tell her your setting up a polygraph for her and find out if she's still lying. Let her know that she either gets the test or she and her girlfriend can go and cat around all night but not while she's living in the house.

 

Let her know in a way that you mean business and if she wont take the test then tell her to get a lawyer.

[LifeNomad]

Also op, it really doesnt matter what u label it, she cheated unfortunately

 

Its sometimes easy to wanna rationalize with their behavior and sometimes we wannarl break our rules n morals in seeing their behavior.acceptable. its up to you to reflect on your priorities , values and morals and live by them.

[hoping2heal]

call it a fling, an affair, the hokey pokey...call it what you will.

 

ONE day..ONE day without you and she is already kissing another man.

 

I think that really says it all.

 

Is this her first go round? I mean geez, she was awfully eager to step off the boat/plane and onto another man's lips...

[jen1447]

Well, then it wasn't just a "fling" then. I mean, after she got back, she continued to message him through social media. That falls out of it just being sexual. Unless, she was taking it from a fling and into an affair. He just happened across it before it got off the ground.

 

Yeah. The way OP originally presented it made it sound like a fling to me, but since he expounded on it, I agree it's more like an affair.

[aliveagain]

Regardless of what you call it the imbalance created by her infidelity will always be there. Staying married to her requires that you have to eat this sh*t sandwich. The decision to eat this sandwich is the only decision you really have to make because her decision to cheat didn't include you even though it will affect you both for the rest of your lives. That trip with her single facilitating girlfriend and the two Portuguese men that became their lovers is a memory that the four of them share and your not part of fun. You are the reality that destroyed the fun when she got home, you weren't supposed to find out. Can you live with this?

[Yasuandio]

Regardless of what you call it the imbalance created by her infidelity will always be there. Staying married to her requires that you have to eat this sh*t sandwich. The decision to eat this sandwich is the only decision you really have to make because her decision to cheat didn't include you even though it will affect you both for the rest of your lives. That trip with her single facilitating girlfriend and the two Portuguese men that became their lovers is a memory that the four of them share and your not part of fun. You are the reality that destroyed the fun when she got home, you weren't supposed to find out. Can you live with this?

 

You said it, AliveAgain! OP screwed up everything - he just had to be a wise guy and figured out the deceit. Now all the fun is down the tubes. What is his wife supposed to do to have a good time now? How dare him.

[m.snow]

could you complete a profile?

you wat age?

wife wat age?

how many kids? what age?

who earns more you or wife?

 

 

You may be responsible for 50% of the problems in your marriage, but you are responsible for 0% of the affair! Your wandering spouse owns 50% of the marriage problems and 100% of the fault for the affair. Your spouse had many other choices about how to deal with marital problems; up to and including the "I want a divorce" speech. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!

 

She immediately said that this quote was obviously taken from a site dedicated to angry betrayed spouses.

 

-that is a declaration of no remorse, instinct tells me she will cheat again.

-not sad or remorseful means she likes it

 

wife summer vacation with just girl friends, that just smells cheating spree.

dude its summer. (article from ashley madison most WW cheat on summer they are in "heat". most cheat on vacation with friends.)

 

what you'd expect them to touring historic sites or hitting the clubs and bars.

 

where you made a mistake!, you did not go with her. it would have been you,her&her girlfriend in threesome instead they had a foursome with two guys wasted opportunity

 

if the next invitation comes please say yes!

 

Things to do:

-NC

-Tell her to remove him from her facebook. (including her friend).

-tell her to insult him then remove him from FB.

-Have her delete his number (including her friend).

-keep her on a short leash

 

the chances of your wife cheating again are astronomically high. seeing as she looked to you after the sexcapade.

 

what might happen is her installing dating apps. gotta look out for this.