Red flags of a serial dater?

[mapleleaves]

Well, that's kinda the problem here. It's only been 4 dates, they've been spread out because of vacation, etc. So some of the awkwardness may be about the fact that the "connection" wasn't maintained so each date kinda felt like a first date again. She may be picking it apart "too soon", that's all

 

We did have a good "connection" during the vacationing period. We text each other every other day or so. We still have communication as if we are still together in town. Then when we are both back, we went back to the continuous talking and then it comes that strange date--if it's back to the first date mode, shouldn't it be more of leaving a good impression than becoming a weirdo that talks crap about himself?

[joseb]

It sounds to me like you are trying to find excuses to not see him anymore.

 

You don't need any. If you are not interested, let it go and move on.

[Redhead14]

We did have a good "connection" during the vacationing period. We text each other every other day or so. We still have communication as if we are still together in town. Then when we are both back, we went back to the continuous talking and then it comes that strange date--if it's back to the first date mode, shouldn't it be more of leaving a good impression than becoming a weirdo that talks crap about himself?

 

So he did keep in touch while on vacation. That's a good thing. Did he sound like he was having a nice time at least or was he still down, etc.?

 

If you're struggling with this guy so much, it's probably not worth it. You've got so much doubt and lack of confidence in him being a good prospect, trust that. Not only that, while you are carrying this around, you're not going to be able to feel secure enough to really allow yourself to get to know him. YOUR "guard" is going to be up for a long time. You've already labeled hm as a wierdo, that's enough to bail anyway

 

Either way, if you did continue to date him and you're on the same page in terms of dating goals, you're going to need a ton of patience with him for sure in order to draw him out and really get a feel for and understand him.

 

If nothing else, he's really hurting about something(s) and not in a good place right now to be a good dating partner for anyone. Like I said, I doubt he's a player or even a serial dater in the real sense. He likely just has some emotional/psychological issues he's dealing with. Player/serial dater is a lifestyle choice, not an emotional issue necessarily, although it could be both in some cases.

[Gaeta]

I am looking for a person to settle, if not at least a long term. I do find this person very attractive and really enjoyed all the times we've been together.

 

Gaeta, what do you find in this person that makes him not a good prospect?

 

1. He's 45+ and never married: He's a life long bachelor. His whole life has been about himself and at 45 it won't change.

 

2. He doesn't talk about past relationships: He has nothing good to talk about.

 

 

3. He is constantly going to singles meetup events: He continued to go there during those 2 months dating you? Again, indicative he's a hardcore bachelor and he can't stop being on the prowl.

 

4. He rather stay out late on a weekday, but never meet on weekends. But he always talk about meeting his "friends" or just stay at home on weekends. You are not weekend material in his eyes. You're way at the bottom of his weekend to-do list.

 

 

5. He's never interested at meeting my friends or invite me to meet his friends. That is also indicative you have a very low priority see: you don't have any priority at all for this man. You're not important enough to be mentioned in a casual convo with his friends.

 

6. He's always out and about, he knows all the most trendy bars: What a turn off. I'm sorry but a 45 yo man living the life style of a 25 yo is a huge turn off to me. Again hardcore bachelor. He'll be one of those old dirty men you see in bars drooling all over women. Actually he already is.

 

7. He never defines our "relationship," he tells me how much he likes me, but is always "figuring it out." (words from his mouth)

Simply an excuse to keep you wondering and having sex when he feels like it. He's not figuring out anything. He already figured out you're the flavor of the moment.

 

8. And now he started trash talking himself. Completely opposite of all my previous impression of him all of sudden. That is very important. He's noticing you're starting to expect a few things so he kind of warning you he's not good material. LISTEN. Men do that before heading out the door, that gives them an excuse to say 'told you I wasn't good'.

 

I have no idea what attracts you to this man. For a 45 yo everything about him is shallow and tacky. Men his age should have more substance and self awareness. You must be a lot younger?

[elaine567]

Something about this scenario reminds me of this. Read her older posts too.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/533947-i-found-out-today-he-had-gf-whole-time-i-need-closure-why-did-he-lie

 

An insight into the future perhaps?

[mapleleaves]

So he did keep in touch while on vacation. That's a good thing. Did he sound like he was having a nice time at least or was he still down, etc.?

 

If you're struggling with this guy so much, it's probably not worth it. You've got so much doubt and lack of confidence in him being a good prospect, trust that. Not only that, while you are carrying this around, you're not going to be able to feel secure enough to really allow yourself to get to know him. YOUR "guard" is going to be up for a long time. You've already labeled hm as a wierdo, that's enough to bail anyway

 

Either way, if you did continue to date him and you're on the same page in terms of dating goals, you're going to need a ton of patience with him for sure in order to draw him out and really get a feel for and understand him.

 

If nothing else, he's really hurting about something(s) and not in a good place right now to be a good dating partner for anyone. Like I said, I doubt he's a player or even a serial dater in the real sense. He likely just has some emotional/psychological issues he's dealing with. Player/serial dater is a lifestyle choice, not an emotional issue necessarily, although it could be both in some cases.

 

That's a good observation. I was very scared after hearing from my friends, but of course friends don't want me to get hurt, so they tend to be over protective. An objective pov like this is what I need. And you are right, I am already having doubts, it's making it hard already. But I will try to be objective and stay positive, if, I end up going out with him again.

Thanks for the great advice!

[Redhead14]

That's a good observation. I was very scared after hearing from my friends, but of course friends don't want me to get hurt, so they tend to be over protective. An objective pov like this is what I need. And you are right, I am already having doubts, it's making it hard already. But I will try to be objective and stay positive, if, I end up going out with him again.

Thanks for the great advice!

 

This is a good reason for not sharing too much with close friends when it's very early in a new dating scenario. It's ok, of course, to say hey I met this new guy, but don't get too detailed. They will go into protection mode and then you'll be flooded with things that influence and cloud your ability to really focus on that new person.

 

Good luck. This one's been a little "tangled", but you still seem to have some interest. Remain objective and manage your emotions and expectations until you get clarity.

[mapleleaves]

1. He's 45+ and never married: He's a life long bachelor. His whole life has been about himself and at 45 it won't change.

 

2. He doesn't talk about past relationships: He has nothing good to talk about.

 

 

3. He is constantly going to singles meetup events: He continued to go there during those 2 months dating you? Again, indicative he's a hardcore bachelor and he can't stop being on the prowl.

 

4. He rather stay out late on a weekday, but never meet on weekends. But he always talk about meeting his "friends" or just stay at home on weekends. You are not weekend material in his eyes. You're way at the bottom of his weekend to-do list.

 

 

5. He's never interested at meeting my friends or invite me to meet his friends. That is also indicative you have a very low priority see: you don't have any priority at all for this man. You're not important enough to be mentioned in a casual convo with his friends.

 

6. He's always out and about, he knows all the most trendy bars: What a turn off. I'm sorry but a 45 yo man living the life style of a 25 yo is a huge turn off to me. Again hardcore bachelor. He'll be one of those old dirty men you see in bars drooling all over women. Actually he already is.

 

7. He never defines our "relationship," he tells me how much he likes me, but is always "figuring it out." (words from his mouth)

Simply an excuse to keep you wondering and having sex when he feels like it. He's not figuring out anything. He already figured out you're the flavor of the moment.

 

8. And now he started trash talking himself. Completely opposite of all my previous impression of him all of sudden. That is very important. He's noticing you're starting to expect a few things so he kind of warning you he's not good material. LISTEN. Men do that before heading out the door, that gives them an excuse to say 'told you I wasn't good'.

 

I have no idea what attracts you to this man. For a 45 yo everything about him is shallow and tacky. Men his age should have more substance and self awareness. You must be a lot younger?

 

 

Fact is he is over 45, I am 9 years younger... Forgot year he was born, basically we are about a decade apart. . And yep, man at this age and single but is always out and about does seem out of norm.

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm trying to live in denial, but like I said in those bunch of ramblings before, I do enjoy being with this person. And he has been treating me with a lot of respect and patience. Most likely he is a serial dater based on these traits spotted. But the fact that he hasn't been aggressive, I guess that's something I can appreciate.

[Redhead14]

Take it in steps . . . make sure you're both on the same page about what your dating goals are. If you're not on the same page there, it doesn't matter what's going on with him right now. Don't look at the big picture YET.

[Redhead14]

Fact is he is over 45, I am 9 years younger... Forgot year he was born, basically we are about a decade apart. . And yep, man at this age and single but is always out and about does seem out of norm.

 

That's exactly what I'm afraid of. Maybe I'm trying to live in denial, but like I said in those bunch of ramblings before, I do enjoy being with this person. And he has been treating me with a lot of respect and patience. Most likely he is a serial dater based on these traits spotted. But the fact that he hasn't been aggressive, I guess that's something I can appreciate.

 

There is one difference in a “serial dater” and a “player”, though and has not been addressed here. The serial dater (ostensibly) has in mind establishing a serious relationship eventually, while the “player” has no such intention. The classic serial dater wants to be in a serious or long term relationship, but has a difficulty committing to a relationship, has intimacy issues, or has unrealistic standards in their love partners. Often, the serial dater is a romantic looking for “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right”, but their dates continually come up short of this ideal.

[Gaeta]

Serial dater is not the right term for this man. He's just a life long bachelor who has no intention of settling down. He's a George Clooney. Yes eventually even George Clooney found love but I bet you when he found her he didn't treat her like a commodity!!

 

SO he treats you right but that doesn't mean you should be wasting your time on him.

[mapleleaves]

There is one difference in a “serial dater” and a “player”, though and has not been addressed here. The serial dater (ostensibly) has in mind establishing a serious relationship eventually, while the “player” has no such intention. The classic serial dater wants to be in a serious or long term relationship, but has a difficulty committing to a relationship, has intimacy issues, or has unrealistic standards in their love partners. Often, the serial dater is a romantic looking for “Mr. Right” or “Ms. Right”, but their dates continually come up short of this ideal.

 

 

I do believe that he might have commitment issues. I mean if he is over 45, and constantly be out in singles meet ups, I'm sure he has been dating a lot, but he has not settled down. I don't know if he's a "player" (I always think the word "player" implies this person just dates for sex). So far he hasn't made any moves (at least to me) or talk about sex. Some said maybe he assumes I'm a kid or something since we are 10 years apart (though I'm an adult) lol

[mapleleaves]

Serial dater is not the right term for this man. He's just a life long bachelor who has no intention of settling down. He's a George Clooney. Yes eventually even George Clooney found love but I bet you when he found her he didn't treat her like a commodity!!

 

SO he treats you right but that doesn't mean you should be wasting your time on him.

 

Life long bachelor might be the right term for this man! I find it fascinating how he (and those similar to him) would go on so many dates but end up with nothing--meaning no relationship, no one settling down with, and probably not even sleeping with the girl? Very interesting psychology....

[Gaeta]

Life long bachelor might be the right term for this man! I find it fascinating how he (and those similar to him) would go on so many dates but end up with nothing--meaning no relationship, no one settling down with, and probably not even sleeping with the girl? Very interesting psychology....

 

Not sleeping with the women? at 45? lol I don't believe that.

[mapleleaves]

Not sleeping with the women? at 45? lol I don't believe that.

 

Haha yah I have doubts about that too. So far I see now signs of that since we met. And it's been a while. That's why I'm having this debate whether if he IS a good guy or a serial dater/player

[kendahke]

He's doing the whole "keep you at bay, not let you in" manipulation game. In my life experience, that's indicative of a man who has a significant other. If he won't be seen in public with you on a weekend night, that means he doesn't want anyone who knows his girlfriend seeing him out with you.

 

He doesn't have a facebook account, but is checking out facebook? Whose account is he using to check out facebook, then? That is suspect right there. He doesnt' want you to say you're in a relationship with him on facebook? Probably because he's already in one and if you tag his name, it's going to show up on his timeline and everyone he knows on there will know about you.

 

He's being really shady and I think it's time for you to ask some really tough questions with regards to his intent, because from what you've written, his intentions do not sound honorable as far as you're concerned.

 

Yeah, you both went on vacation for a few weeks--it seems to me that you both should be on fire to see one another after that absence, not acting like "Hmm.. meh.." about it. He should be about wanting to take things deeper with you at this point--at least a talk about exclusivity if not commitment should be happening about now.

[Redhead14]

At 45, he may or may not be starting to have ED. Some men will start to avoid or forgo sex altogether because it's frustrating and makes them feel inadequate. The really want the company of a woman regardless and may just keep trying to find one that will "work with" him.

 

This could be a reason for why some are slow to "go there". So, if you get to that point and that is the case, you will have to have patience in that area as well. Usually this happens more in their middle 50's, but some start having that issue earlier. My deceased fiance was 42 when he started with that issue and was hesitant to initiate sex with me for a while when we were dating. We figured out how to make that experience mutually satisfying though

[mapleleaves]

Some updates on what happened.

For the past 2 months or so, we used to talk to each other every day, if not at least a quick text to check in with each other.

For some reason starting last Wednesday night (we usually talk to each other at night time) he stopped communicating with me for no reason. I didn't want to make it awkward by keep calling him so I texted him on Friday wishing him a good weekend, and he never got back to me.

The whole weekend I never heard back from him.

I assumed maybe he is not interested in talking to me anymore--which is fine.

But then he just dropped me a text tonight (Monday) and apologizes for not responding to my previous messages because he had some family visiting and he took them on a road trip and just came back today and some random chats like everything's normal, as if he didn't ignore me for almost a week. I haven't responded, can't decide I should or not!

The more I think about it, the more I think there's something he's hiding--Sometime I really think he's married.

Maybe I should start a new thread or change the title of this thread lol

What will be a good approach to this???? :(

[Perrier]

OP what exactly do you want? Because you are going in circles, ignoring red flags, chasing your tail. I've read through this entire thread and you two seem more like buddies. I see no romance here.

 

Four dates in two months is NOT romance.

 

I agree with Gaeta that this man is a lifelong bachelor. He behaves as he's always done, e.g not communicating with you for a week and then carrying on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile you are worrying about every nuance.

 

Can you not find somebody else to date?

[Gaeta]

Some updates on what happened.

For the past 2 months or so, we used to talk to each other every day, if not at least a quick text to check in with each other.

For some reason starting last Wednesday night (we usually talk to each other at night time) he stopped communicating with me for no reason. I didn't want to make it awkward by keep calling him so I texted him on Friday wishing him a good weekend, and he never got back to me.

The whole weekend I never heard back from him.

I assumed maybe he is not interested in talking to me anymore--which is fine.

But then he just dropped me a text tonight (Monday) and apologizes for not responding to my previous messages because he had some family visiting and he took them on a road trip and just came back today and some random chats like everything's normal, as if he didn't ignore me for almost a week. I haven't responded, can't decide I should or not!

The more I think about it, the more I think there's something he's hiding--Sometime I really think he's married.

Maybe I should start a new thread or change the title of this thread lol

What will be a good approach to this???? :(

 

I think it's time for you to concentrate on someone else. Road trips, business trips, visitors, have never kept me from answering my text. AS IF you were the only person texting him. He checks that phone several times a day and he chose to leave your communication aside and not respond.

 

Mapleleaves: He won't change for you. He's not going to become this man you wish he was. What you see is what you get. That's his pattern. You are just an another number on his long list of women.

[mapleleaves]

OP what exactly do you want? Because you are going in circles, ignoring red flags, chasing your tail. I've read through this entire thread and you two seem more like buddies. I see no romance here.

 

Four dates in two months is NOT romance.

 

I agree with Gaeta that this man is a lifelong bachelor. He behaves as he's always done, e.g not communicating with you for a week and then carrying on as if nothing happened. Meanwhile you are worrying about every nuance.

 

Can you not find somebody else to date?

 

I agree with you. I think I am going to call it done with him.

I have never met men like this person, I've always dated guys around my age so this "40-45+ man lifelong bachelor" type of guy is something out of my world.

Without you guys' advice I wouldn't know, I mean all my friends (my age) just assume he's a player, nobody think of him this way.

Think I would just stop seeing him

[mapleleaves]

I think it's time for you to concentrate on someone else. Road trips, business trips, visitors, have never kept me from answering my text. AS IF you were the only person texting him. He checks that phone several times a day and he chose to leave your communication aside and not respond.

 

Mapleleaves: He won't change for you. He's not going to become this man you wish he was. What you see is what you get. That's his pattern. You are just an another number on his long list of women.

 

I have to agree with you on this. I think it's time to move on.

I can't figure out what this man is thinking and why he behaves this way, but I think it's time to move on.

[Perrier]

OP I don't think it's anything personal. He has the bachelor mentality and is set in his ways. Best of luck going forward

[elaine567]

He didn't reply because

 

A. he didn't want to for whatever reason - it takes 3 secs to send a text.

B. he couldn't, due probably to the fact he was with someone else. Family do not stop you texting other people. Road trips do not stop you either, BUT wives and gfs do.

 

Men who want you, want to see you and speak to you, they do not go AWOL and ignore you.

[ascendotum]

Without you guys' advice I wouldn't know, I mean all my friends (my age) just assume he's a player, nobody think of him this way.

Think I would just stop seeing him

I think you should move on to better prospects too. Its 3 mths and what you have I would not even call the honeymoon phase. One thing he is not is a player otherwise he would have bedded you numerous times by now and soon after dating you. Maybe he does have ED issues and its killed his confidence but still if he is the owner of a successful company he can easily afford the best aphrodisiacs and ED meds. He could very likely have another priority #1 gf given some of the things you posted (ie no weekends together) If you want to have a heart to heart talk with what you expect out the relationship to give it one last chance then go for it otherwise I think you are better off letting him know its not working for you.

Edited June 24, 2015 by ascendotum