I found out today that he had a gf the whole time :( I need closure? Why did he lie?

[GoldenGirl2015]

I know you guys are probably sick of me but I just wanted to update you guys. The guy I've been dealing with for the past 8 months and have been trying to figure out, that was being hot and cold with me had a gf the whole time. This is the same guy that I've had sex with numerous times (PROTECTED), the same guy who told me I'm the first girl that he's kissed passionately in a long time since his last relationship. I just feel so used and betrayed now that I know for SURE there was another woman the whole time and she not just some random girl because she was with him at his daughters Prom and graduation from High school Why did he have to lie to me and use me if he already has a woman? Is it because I'm the younger woman? I just can't figure this out. I know I shouldn't cry but How can I not? I feel bad for his gf too because she doesn't even know her man has been having sex with another woman.. Even though it's been a while, he still was in contact with me. I'm in disbelief. This would explain all the ignored text and him not having much time for me. Please be understanding, this is news to me and I'm just looking for closure. Idk how to feel. Why??

[minime13]

What is the closure that you want? How long ago did you break up?

[GoldenGirl2015]

What is the closure that you want? How long ago did you break up?

 

We we're never in a relationship, but we we're seeing each other...Semi dating.

[Gaeta]

oh honey, I have been there. That was a few years ago so I have had time to find my answers.

 

Why it happened? Because even though he was full of red flags, I closed my eyes, and I let it happen. That's what I did back then, that's also what you did with this man.

 

It doesn't make the hurt go away but you really need to figure out your part in this from the beginning. You know those reds flags, you saw them wave at you, the question is why did you ignore them.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, you know the answers to your questions, you know the why.

[minime13]

We we're never in a relationship, but we we're seeing each other...Semi dating.

 

So, what is the closure that you seek?

[GoldenGirl2015]

So, what is the closure that you seek?

 

I just really want to know why he lied? Why did he string me along and have sex with me if he already has someone, they look pretty happy together idk why he had to lie, why did he continue talking to me if he already had someone?

[CarrieT]

You want closure? Find the Other Woman and tell her the kind of guy she's with...

[GoldenGirl2015]

oh honey, I have been there. That was a few years ago so I have had time to find my answers.

 

Why it happened? Because even though he was full of red flags, I closed my eyes, and I let it happen. That's what I did back then, that's also what you did with this man.

 

It doesn't make the hurt go away but you really need to figure out your part in this from the beginning. You know those reds flags, you saw them wave at you, the question is why did you ignore them.

 

I am sorry you are hurting, you know the answers to your questions, you know the why.

 

You're right I did see a lot of red flags, however I HONESTLY NEVER suspected another woman because he was always by himself and I know he goes between towns a lot, and when I was with him there was just NO SIGNS of another woman he was even asking about me wanting to get an apt with him. I really didn't have a clue.

[Gaeta]

I just really want to know why he lied? Why did he string me along and have sex with me if he already has someone, they look pretty happy together idk why he had to lie, why did he continue talking to me if he already had someone?

 

Because YOU let him !! Your other threads are full of questioning, full of red flags but yet you continued seeing him. YOU let it happen to you. YOU did not look out for yourself.

 

Who's job is it to protect you? YOU.

 

Why he did it? because he could, because he wanted to, because the world is full of bad people taking advantages of others.

 

If you don't lock your door when you leave what do you think is going to happen? You will get robbed or vandalized. Same thing with your heart, if you don't Watch who you give it to, someone will break it.

[Gaeta]

You're right I did see a lot of red flags, however I HONESTLY NEVER suspected another woman because he was always by himself and I know he goes between towns a lot, and when I was with him there was just NO SIGNS of another woman he was even asking about me wanting to get an apt with him. I really didn't have a clue.

 

There was no need to figure out if there was another woman. The reds flags were plenty enough to end it and the fact that after 8 months you were only still semi-dating.

[hoping2heal]

I just really want to know why he lied? Why did he string me along and have sex with me if he already has someone, they look pretty happy together idk why he had to lie, why did he continue talking to me if he already had someone?

 

 

If he were to tell you the truth, would you still have had sex and passionate kisses? Probably not

 

 

Maybe they are happy together but he is obviously of the type who wants more and is OKAY with lying and betraying to get that more.

[minime13]

I just really want to know why he lied? Why did he string me along and have sex with me if he already has someone, they look pretty happy together idk why he had to lie, why did he continue talking to me if he already had someone?

 

Because he's a jerk. And, really, you did let him string you along. His relationship with another woman is not your relationship to worry about, though.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Unfortunately you have more heart than brains and for someone like you to understand the agenda and motives of men is nearly impossible.

 

You're entirely emotional and live in this fairy tale rationalization of reality, without knowing or understanding anything about men.

 

There's no reason good enough to give you closure because there was no good or valid reason to your understanding that would lead it to making any sense to YOU...the reality is likely very simple as it is for most guys that do this...he used you because he could, he used you because you let him...there's no shining emotional significant purpose that he was with you, there's no bigger reason or secret under some rock you need to know...it was never really about being in a relationship with you...he just lied and manipulated you for the pu$$y.

 

Telling you the truth and being transparent would have been completely counter-productive and lead him to not being able to use a woman for sex...so why would he ever dream of letting you know he had a gf? so that you could run away?

 

There's nothing to make sense of this or understand...because none of it is shocking or rare, it's just another Friday on planet earth and nearly every other woman has experienced something like that is with completely "different" men.

 

You didn't have a clue because you were blind and dense, it doesn't take any magical powers to accomplish that, especially if someone is convincing themselves of something else and ignoring all the red flags...what do you expect to happen? because this is how it works...this is what happens.

[Redhead14]

I know you guys are probably sick of me but I just wanted to update you guys. The guy I've been dealing with for the past 8 months and have been trying to figure out, that was being hot and cold with me had a gf the whole time. This is the same guy that I've had sex with numerous times (PROTECTED), the same guy who told me I'm the first girl that he's kissed passionately in a long time since his last relationship. I just feel so used and betrayed now that I know for SURE there was another woman the whole time and she not just some random girl because she was with him at his daughters Prom and graduation from High school Why did he have to lie to me and use me if he already has a woman? Is it because I'm the younger woman? I just can't figure this out. I know I shouldn't cry but How can I not? I feel bad for his gf too because she doesn't even know her man has been having sex with another woman.. Even though it's been a while, he still was in contact with me. I'm in disbelief. This would explain all the ignored text and him not having much time for me. Please be understanding, this is news to me and I'm just looking for closure. Idk how to feel. Why??

 

You have allowed yourself to be strung along because you never opened a conversation about what you each were looking for out of your dating experiences, neglected to talk about exclusivity before or shortly after intimacy and ignored signs that he wasn't invested in you.

 

And, sure, even if you'd had those conversations, he could have lied and told you what you wanted to hear, but that's where good dating and observation skills come in.

 

As it is now, you went through 8 months of "dating" with no clarity between you in terms of what the relationship "was" and his behavior was less than what would be expected if he were interested in a real relationship with you.

 

I certainly feel for you. This is a difficult thing to deal with. But, you're not going to get closure from him at least. He's a cheater and didn't have emotional investment in you nor does he have it for his "girlfriend", so he's not going to apologize or try to make it easier on you by explaining,etc.

 

Your closure source is YOU. You've learned a lesson about how to date and what to look for and that communication can and should be initiated by you if the man you're dating is not stepping up or you are uncomfortable for some reason.

 

Go no contact and allow yourself the space to recover from this. Be the strong, secure, independent woman you can and should be and start going out and having some fun. I'll bet you've been having a lot of anxiety while dating this man because he wasn't treating you the way you deserve to be dated and not really feeling secure. Take this time to realize how good it feels to be out from under all that anxiety. Be patient with yourself, grieve and keep moving forward. He is not worth one second of regret.

[Lois_Griffin]

The guy is a complete piece of sh*t.

 

My FIRST order of business would be to tell his girlfriend.

 

Everyone takes the 'not my circus, not my monkeys' approach and refuses to tell the girlfriend/wife, but the truth is, scumbags like this get away this this crap BECAUSE nobody tells their spouses/girlfriends.

 

Tell her.

[elaine567]

Yes, you have the moral high ground here, you had no idea he was cheating on her with you.

Tell her - she deserves to know, and she can then choose whether she wants to stay with him or not.

 

Then stay clear, go no contact and ignore him completely.

He will try and reel you back in, especially if his gf gives him the heave ho.

DO NOT LISTEN - whatever he tells you, will be an attempt to fool you again.

 

Red flags are there to be taken notice of, put it all down to experience.

Find a better man the next time.

[GoldenGirl2015]

The guy is a complete piece of sh*t.

 

My FIRST order of business would be to tell his girlfriend.

 

Everyone takes the 'not my circus, not my monkeys' approach and refuses to tell the girlfriend/wife, but the truth is, scumbags like this get away this this crap BECAUSE nobody tells their spouses/girlfriends.

 

Tell her.

 

I really want to but Idk who she is and Ive been searching all over fb to see if she has a pg but doesnt. I dont even know her name. When his kid mother posted the picture she just said, mom dad & stepmom. No name & no tag. I looked at his whole friends list and didnt see anyone that looks like her and I looked at the kids mother friends list and nothing. Idk any other way. I don't even know her name

[GoldenGirl2015]

And I haven't spoken to him in over a week because he's been with her.

[Gaeta]

The wife or gf probably already know or suspect something and is closing her eyes to the red flags just like many women.

 

This man is a player. He'll convince his gf that OP is just a jealous trouble maker and fabricated the whole thing.

 

It rarely pays off to tell and often you end up being the crazy B*tch in the eye of the gf.

[katiegrl]

I really want to but Idk who she is and Ive been searching all over fb to see if she has a pg but doesnt. I dont even know her name. When his kid mother posted the picture she just said, mom dad & stepmom. No name & no tag. I looked at his whole friends list and didnt see anyone that looks like her and I looked at the kids mother friends list and nothing. Idk any other way. I don't even know her name

 

Agree with the others, BUT what makes you so sure he even has a girlfriend? How did you discover this information? Gossip, rumor?

 

I mean, you don't know who she is, no FB page, no name, no tag...all you've got is a photo that says "mom, dad and stepmom"?

 

I don't get it. What evidence do you have that the girl in the photo is actually his girlfriend at all?

 

He has a kid...obviously the kid has a mom (his EX?)....obviously they still need to talk and interact for their kid's sake...but what evidence do you have that she is still his girlfriend??? If she ever was?

[h0000]

Just leave. Don't bother telling his gf its none of your business anyway. She might even turn angry on you and blaming you for sleeping with him.

Just get him and whatever/whoever that has anything to do with him out of your life.

[Redhead14]

Agree with the others, BUT what makes you so sure he even has a girlfriend? How did you discover this information? Gossip, rumor?

 

I mean, you don't know who she is, no FB page, no name, no tag...all you've got is a photo that says "mom, dad and stepmom"?

 

I don't get it. What evidence do you have that the girl in the photo is actually his girlfriend at all?

 

He has a kid...obviously the kid has a mom (his EX?)....obviously they still need to talk and interact for their kid's sake...but what evidence do you have that she is still his girlfriend??? If she ever was?

 

Yes, Katie, I was wondering too how she knows, how she found out?

[katiegrl]

Yes, Katie, I was wondering too how she knows, how she found out?

 

Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

 

Not criticizing her, but when we feel upset, emotional and looking for answers, it's easy to imagine all sorts of things that simply aren't true.

 

We need to justify in our own minds why some guy dumped us or disappeared.... as the OP said for closure.

 

So we see one photo and blow it all out of proportion convincing ourselves that "oh look he had a girlfriend the whole time! THAT is why he didn't want anything with me!"

 

NOT saying that is what happened.... but would like to know what concrete evidence she has against this guy....

[Redhead14]

Glad to hear I'm not the only one.

 

Not criticizing her, but when we feel upset, emotional and looking for answers, it's easy to imagine all sorts of things that simply aren't true.

 

We need to justify in our own minds why some guy dumped us or disappeared.... as the OP said for closure.

 

So we see one photo and blow it all out of proportion convincing ourselves that "oh look he had a girlfriend the whole time! THAT is why he didn't want anything with me!"

 

NOT saying that is what happened.... but would like to know what concrete evidence she has against this guy....

 

I know for SURE there was another woman the whole time and she not just some random girl because she was with him at his daughters Prom and graduation from High school

 

I looked at the starter post for this thread and found the above statement. This man has a daughter from a previous relationship and he attended those events and it was likely her daughter was there.

 

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with that. And, that's what they should do. They are co-parenting.

 

I think there has been a lack of quality communication between these two, as usual. In addition, she's fretting about all this because she does have reason to feel insecure because of that fact alone.

 

She may be doing vigilante justice by making him "guilty before proven innocent", but we don't know much either.

[katiegrl]

I know for SURE there was another woman the whole time and she not just some random girl because she was with him at his daughters Prom and graduation from High school

 

I looked at the starter post for this thread and found the above statement. This man has a daughter from a previous relationship and he attended those events and it was likely her daughter was there.

 

On the surface, there's nothing wrong with that. And, that's what they should do. They are co-parenting.

 

I think there has been a lack of quality communication between these two, as usual. In addition, she's fretting about all this because she does have reason to feel insecure because of that fact alone.

 

She may be doing vigilante justice by making him "guilty before proven innocent", but we don't know much either.

 

That woman could have been another woman he was *dating*....he and OP were not exclusive.

 

Does not mean she was his *girlfriend* = committed relationship.

 

Perhaps the OP can return and clarify how she knows, for a fact, he has girlfriend... is in a committed relationship?

 

And that this is not her imagination, suspicion, insecurity, confusion causing her to believe this....