He cheated, left me and lied about it

[Wtvwtv]

In my personal experience, that's extremely doubtful, given that he has a shiny new object in front of him. Men are dogs, and many times, we act just like one. From what she's described, he's not the brooding, reflective type who is in touch with his inner feelings. He sounds more responsive to his immediate desires, at the expense of others' desires. I doubt he feels like he's "lost" anything.

 

Think about it like this... you get a new car, and trade in your old beater (no offense, OP), and you never give it another thought. Like it or not, that's most likely his mindset. You only dwell on the women you've lost, not the ones you discarded.

 

He may start thinking about her if the new one dumps him, but more than likely, he'll tire of this new one too and move on to the next conquest.

 

If he is really like that, then they basically did me a favour for freeing me from a piece of **** like that. If not, at least that something between us was real. Anyways, not worth any more time for him, gotta move on.

[Wtvwtv]

You don't have the same connection with a car as you do a unique person, especially if you spent years together. They most definitely think about you sometimes - he'll see things that remind him of you, he'll hear things that remind him of you etc. if your relationship was good most of the time and you thought you may get married, he'll think of you occasionally - it may just be in a very nonchalant "oh yeah, I remember her" type of way, but unless his new gf is perfect (doubtful) or he totally despises you (doubtful), he'll think about you.

 

Mightycpa is one of the most negative posters I've seen on here - probably got rubbed the wrong way in one too many relationships - although there is certainly a grain of truth in his words.

 

Getting married was not in the picture,we were not ready for that, but we were not like couples who fight and argue and then get back tgt.. we were quite mature about the relationship. I was always nice to him and treated him well, patient and caring. Maybe that's the problem, I was too nice and he just took it for granted. I am strong inside, calm and mature, being nice to him was because I loved him. But he probly thought it was weak. Oh well...

[ExpatInItaly]

Getting married was not in the picture,we were not ready for that, but we were not like couples who fight and argue and then get back tgt.. we were quite mature about the relationship. I was always nice to him and treated him well, patient and caring. Maybe that's the problem, I was too nice and he just took it for granted. I am strong inside, calm and mature, being nice to him was because I loved him. But he probly thought it was weak. Oh well...

 

What were the problems you were having? You mentioned that the relationship hadn't been going so well - what type of issues had cropped up?

 

I feel for you. It's difficult when you find out after the fact that they weren't honest. I've been in your shoes. An ex of mine did something similar, and it was with whom I suspected too. Also a co-worker. It makes you question everything about the relationship. But you will feel better someday. I've been there and I promise you will get better!

[Wtvwtv]

What were the problems you were having? You mentioned that the relationship hadn't been going so well - what type of issues had cropped up?

 

I feel for you. It's difficult when you find out after the fact that they weren't honest. I've been in your shoes. An ex of mine did something similar, and it was with whom I suspected too. Also a co-worker. It makes you question everything about the relationship. But you will feel better someday. I've been there and I promise you will get better!

 

The problem was we never really talked about/solved any problems. We live kinda far from each other (still in the same city but pretty much two ends), so he only came over on the weekends. I wanted to see him more often, but he just couldn't. We talked about that and he said we could get lunch/dinner during the week cuz our offices are really close. But we only did that a few times, most of the time it didn't work (mostly because of him: work was busy or he just didn't have time...) I tried to talk to him about it and he just put on that defensive look and told me "it is what it is, there's nothing really I can do". I didn't want to nag him so I just stopped talking about it. That's just one example. We rarely fight (now I think about it, maybe it's just me compromising), but we did have two or three fights. But we never talked about anything after the fight. I didn't want to get into another fight talking about the previous fight. Plus I thought we were too cool for that, I am not the nagging type and didn't want make a big deal out of nothing. But I was totally wrong, he said when we were breaking up that there were a few times that we should've talked about it but we didn't. He said there's no "too cool for that" in a relationship. I asked him why didn't he talk to me about it if I didn't bring it up, and he admitted that it was partly his fault too. He told me during our breakup that we were never really close to each other and I was almost like his best friend. I kinda get what he meant cuz we never really solved any problem, it's like we were just hiding the dust under the rug. We rarely had those "cheesy" open hearted "love talks", haha again I thought we were too cool for that, how stupid was that. So yeah, I guess that's the problem.

 

To the point that him cheating made me question about everything. I am really struggling with that, it's like nothing was real between us. "When did he start thinking of cheating", "when did they actually start", "was he thinking about her that time he came over". It's a pain, and I am so sick of thinking about it. ExpatInIntaly, how long did it take for you to get over it, what happened in the end?

[Molly12]

Hi, I went through something similar I went out with a guy for four and a half years always had a feeling he had cheated on me before but could never prove it. I did asked him but he denied it. We went through a rough patch and he wanted to end things but I said no and ask to give it a go and he did but in the end I found out he had cheated on me so I ended it! I thought to myself why would I do this stay with someone who I knew had cheated and obviously had no respect for me if he could do that. I was so unhappy when i was with him because i knew i was just hanging on because i was afraid of losing him but really i was just afraid of change in my life! i was with him so long I didn't know what it be like to be without him and that scared me! but now am so happy he did it because am so much more happy within myself and i know he can never do anything to hurt me again! Trust me do not get in contact with him don't even be friends with him cut him off completely! If you met him out see him on the street don't stop to talk just pass yourself and keeping walking because he is not worth your time. The first few months are the hardest but do you really want to be with someone who you can do that?! NO stay strong keep yourself occupied go out with friends enjoy the single life your free. Your attach to no one you can do what you want!! Do not worry about what he's doing or who's he with worry about yourself and what your doing! Believe me it might seem really hard now but it does get better he will regret what he has done you might not believe it but he will. Block him from your phone so your not tempted to text and of Facebook and all that stuff you need time to yourself now and enjoy it because you will met someone again and this time you will know exactly what you want in a person and you won't settle for anything less. Give yourself time girl everyone goes through this ****..

Edited June 23, 2015 by Molly12

[Wtvwtv]

Hi, I went through something similar I went out with a guy for four and a half years always had a feeling he had cheated on me before but could never prove it. I did asked him but he denied it. We went through a rough patch and he wanted to end things but I said no and ask to give it a go and he did but in the end I found out he had cheated on me so I ended it! I thought to myself why would I do this stay with someone who I knew had cheated and obviously had no respect for me if he could do that. I was so unhappy when i was with him because i knew i was just hanging on because i was afraid of losing him but really i was just afraid of change in my life! i was with him so long I didn't know what it be like to be without him and that scared me! but now am so happy he did it because am so much more happy within myself and i know he can never do anything to hurt me again! Trust me do not get in contact with him don't even be friends with him cut him off completely! If you met him out see him on the street don't stop to talk just pass yourself and keeping walking because he is not worth your time. The first few months are the hardest but do you really want to be with someone who you can do that?! NO stay strong keep yourself occupied go out with friends enjoy the single life your free. Your attach to no one you can do what you want!! Do not worry about what he's doing or who's he with worry about yourself and what your doing! Believe me it might seem really hard now but it does get better he will regret what he has done you might not believe it but he will. Block him from your phone so your not tempted to text and of Facebook and all that stuff you need time to yourself now and enjoy it because you will met someone again and this time you will know exactly what you want in a person and you won't settle for anything less. Give yourself time girl everyone goes through this ****..

 

There has been absolutely no contact after we broke up and I am definitely never talking to him again. I doubt he will regret or feel sorry cuz he doesn't know I already knew and he was the one who broke up with me. Part of me is very curious about what he is thinking, while the other part knows that it really doesn't matter anymore.

[ExpatInItaly]

The problem was we never really talked about/solved any problems. We live kinda far from each other (still in the same city but pretty much two ends), so he only came over on the weekends. I wanted to see him more often, but he just couldn't. We talked about that and he said we could get lunch/dinner during the week cuz our offices are really close. But we only did that a few times, most of the time it didn't work (mostly because of him: work was busy or he just didn't have time...) I tried to talk to him about it and he just put on that defensive look and told me "it is what it is, there's nothing really I can do". I didn't want to nag him so I just stopped talking about it. That's just one example. We rarely fight (now I think about it, maybe it's just me compromising), but we did have two or three fights. But we never talked about anything after the fight. I didn't want to get into another fight talking about the previous fight. Plus I thought we were too cool for that, I am not the nagging type and didn't want make a big deal out of nothing. But I was totally wrong, he said when we were breaking up that there were a few times that we should've talked about it but we didn't. He said there's no "too cool for that" in a relationship. I asked him why didn't he talk to me about it if I didn't bring it up, and he admitted that it was partly his fault too. He told me during our breakup that we were never really close to each other and I was almost like his best friend. I kinda get what he meant cuz we never really solved any problem, it's like we were just hiding the dust under the rug. We rarely had those "cheesy" open hearted "love talks", haha again I thought we were too cool for that, how stupid was that. So yeah, I guess that's the problem.

 

To the point that him cheating made me question about everything. I am really struggling with that, it's like nothing was real between us. "When did he start thinking of cheating", "when did they actually start", "was he thinking about her that time he came over". It's a pain, and I am so sick of thinking about it. ExpatInIntaly, how long did it take for you to get over it, what happened in the end?

 

It took me a good year to move past it. We had been together for almost 8 years, and had lived together for 6.

 

That was about 3.5 years ago now, and I've moved on completely. I now live on the other side of the world and have had other relationships since then. He is now married to this other woman, and they have a baby. (I learned this because we are from the same small town, and had a couple mutual friends) He and I are no longer in contact at all, and I can honestly say I'm not angry anymore. I don't really feel anything towards him anymore, to be honest. You'll get there someday too.

[Wtvwtv]

ExpatInItaly, I don't know if I can be as strong as you are. I would probably feel like I was the OW if they end up getting married. Its like whatever happened between us is nothing to him. I hope time will heal it all and one day I won't care about this anymore.

[Wtvwtv]

I know it's been a long time and I really should've moved on. He is none of my business and I am out of his life as well. It's almost been two months since the breakup and no contact at all. I usually feel great over the weekend when I hang out with friends, but when Monday hits and I get back to work, I just can't stop thinking about him, about us, about them. I feel so weak and just feel like I'll break down any second. I feel like crying the whole time and the pain is pressing on my chest taking away every breath I have. Every minute hurts until I fall asleep and he's the first thought I have when I wake up. I am getting numb in the sense that I don't feel any sharp pains anymore, but the constant thoughts about him are the real torture. I really don't know what to do anymore, I need help and support. But I don't want to bother my friends anymore, I've given them enough negative energy from my breakup, and I can't push them away by dumping more negative feelings onto them. If anyone has gone through this, please tell me what to do so I can get over this and really move on.

[ConfusedMike]

I'm sorry you're continuing to go through this. I'm experiencing the same thing and nothing seems to help. It's not so much the breakup that has affected me so badly, but the betrayal. I thought she loved me, but she started seeing someone else while we were still together and I didn't find out about this until yesterday, although I always suspected. Other than focusing on yourself and having a support network, it'll just take time. I love this girl so much, but I know there's no future. Try to spend time with your family and friends. Talk it out, see a therapist, do some yoga and meditation and do little things for yourself. I hope you find some peace! I hope I find some peace! It's a harsh journey, but when you love deeply, the pain can be overwhelming.

[54JA]

I know it hurts... I am so sorry you are going through this. The good news is that you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. Taking the pain head on. There is no way around it but to take it, cry, and whether the storm. No matter what people do to alleviate the pain temporarily, we can't avoid going through this stage. You are in it, and I am so sorry, but also proud of you!!!

 

For me, nothing really helped ease the pain/make the process easier. But I did try to appreciate the small pleasures in my every day life. If there were opportunities for laughter, I took it. Also, finding a simple motivational statement that resonate with you, may help you stay strong. Give yourself credit for any small success (give yourself a pat on the back for not thinking about him for 1 minute!).

 

I think I can be better at sharing with you what did not work: Going on dates (made me feel worse especially when there was no chemistry; couldn't help compare the guy to my ex); drinking (I ended up drunk dialing him); trying to make a drastic change/taking on a new challenge (I realized that it was time for me to be kind to myself; I ended up beating myself up for failing).

 

I hope you feel better soon!!

[Wtvwtv]

I'm sorry you're continuing to go through this. I'm experiencing the same thing and nothing seems to help. It's not so much the breakup that has affected me so badly, but the betrayal. I thought she loved me, but she started seeing someone else while we were still together and I didn't find out about this until yesterday, although I always suspected. Other than focusing on yourself and having a support network, it'll just take time. I love this girl so much, but I know there's no future. Try to spend time with your family and friends. Talk it out, see a therapist, do some yoga and meditation and do little things for yourself. I hope you find some peace! I hope I find some peace! It's a harsh journey, but when you love deeply, the pain can be overwhelming.

 

"When you love deeply, the pain can be overwhelming". Sometimes I just wish I never met him or never loved him so much. And the worst part is now he's moved on with someone else, but I am stuck thinking about the times we spent together. ConfusedMike, I hope you dumped her after you found out and let her realize what she lost. For me, it's the worst part that I found out after he broke up with me and he doesn't know I already knew. So he'll never feel he lost anything or did any wrong. I wish I found out beforehand and just cut things loose with him. Then at least he knew he lost me and would feel a bit of guilt and regret.

[ExpatInItaly]

I know it's been a long time and I really should've moved on. He is none of my business and I am out of his life as well. It's almost been two months since the breakup and no contact at all. I usually feel great over the weekend when I hang out with friends, but when Monday hits and I get back to work, I just can't stop thinking about him, about us, about them. I feel so weak and just feel like I'll break down any second. I feel like crying the whole time and the pain is pressing on my chest taking away every breath I have. Every minute hurts until I fall asleep and he's the first thought I have when I wake up. I am getting numb in the sense that I don't feel any sharp pains anymore, but the constant thoughts about him are the real torture. I really don't know what to do anymore, I need help and support. But I don't want to bother my friends anymore, I've given them enough negative energy from my breakup, and I can't push them away by dumping more negative feelings onto them. If anyone has gone through this, please tell me what to do so I can get over this and really move on.

 

No, it hasn't been a long time. At all. And no, you shouldn't necessarily have moved on already.

 

You need to start by being a lot more patient with yourself. You're pushing yourself to date and move on but you can't force that. It's impossible to rush it and it will only hurt you in the end. Let yourself grieve and get it out.

 

Continue getting out with friends and doing enjoyable activities. Cry when you need to and when the time is appropriate. Set new goals for yourself and give yourself a new focus. That's what I did and it helped tremendously. It also helped me to remember how lonely I felt near the end of the relationship and stop putting my ex on a pedestal. He wasn't that great for me. Yours wasn't either.

[pillowpuffs]

Hi, I just went through something similar (My ex of 6 years dumped me a month ago and then I found out immediately after the break up that he cheated on me. I read all the loveydovey messages on his phone to his new girl that he's moved on to. He basically had another girlfriend. I got to confront him about it and he apologised for me "finding out"... he wasn't even sorry that he did it - IT WAS AWFUL). It really especially sucks because you sort of have no choice in the matter. He cheated (while you were honest and true) yet he gets to do the breaking up and the moving on and you're just the one suffering and forcing yourself to accept the pain through no fault of your own.

 

Anyway, I am so sorry that you have to go through this as well and experience all the pain and hurt. It really sucks, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like a fool, that the pain consumes you, that sometimes the memories get too much and that you feel the pain and nothing at all in waves. I know it all. It's been a month for me and I don't know if I'll ever get better and find someone else.. (although I know everyone here tells me I will and I want to believe them so badly).

 

I have come to the realisation though that honestly my ex didn't (and doesn't) care for me (he hasn't contacted me since the break up and I haven't either), he probably will not regret doing what he did to me, he doesn't miss me (which is really hard to admit but I really do think it's true) and he's doing great and not feeling even a sliver of the pain that I am feeling. And even though all of this is horrible to know and to face, I realise that I can't control any part of it. All I can control is my happiness, my process of moving on.. and even though I miss him so much and wish things were different, I need to move on and forget him. One day I really really hope I do and I hope you do too.

 

Please know that I am here for you and I hope you find happiness.

[54JA]

My ex had the wondering eye. We broke up several times and got back together several times. Our second or third break up, we broke up because he confessed that he had a crush on my friend after I pressed him hard. To be honest, during the breakup, I did not initiate the breakup. I was still hoping that he would apologize and stay with me. But during our talk, he said we should end it. I completely missed the chance to say "this is over because you fu**** up." I completely missed the chance to call him out on his weakness and end it myself because I was a coward. After a few weeks, I still felt like "justice" was never served. To make the matter worse, we got back together, only to come to a similar ending.

 

I am not sure if this desire for "justice" is anything similar to yours, but I can relate to your feeling about the missed opportunity for calling the guy out. But this was a long time ago, and honestly, it really does not matter to me now. Now that so many years have passed, and now, more importantly, that I am happy in a good relationship, none of this matters.

 

Hang in there. Like I said before, you are making all the right moves towards your healing!

[Wtvwtv]

My ex had the wondering eye. We broke up several times and got back together several times. Our second or third break up, we broke up because he confessed that he had a crush on my friend after I pressed him hard. To be honest, during the breakup, I did not initiate the breakup. I was still hoping that he would apologize and stay with me. But during our talk, he said we should end it. I completely missed the chance to say "this is over because you fu**** up." I completely missed the chance to call him out on his weakness and end it myself because I was a coward. After a few weeks, I still felt like "justice" was never served. To make the matter worse, we got back together, only to come to a similar ending.

 

I am not sure if this desire for "justice" is anything similar to yours, but I can relate to your feeling about the missed opportunity for calling the guy out. But this was a long time ago, and honestly, it really does not matter to me now. Now that so many years have passed, and now, more importantly, that I am happy in a good relationship, none of this matters.

 

Hang in there. Like I said before, you are making all the right moves towards your healing!

 

I guess the lack of "justice" is part of the reason I'm not making progress moving forward. I wish I found out early and dumped him, instead of me finding out after the fact and have nowhere to release the anger and hurt. He owes me big but there's nothing I can do because we are already over. Another part is how can he move on so fast with someone else, how could he choose someone else over me after what we had. I wonder if he still thinks about what we had before, if anything reminds him of me, of the time we spent together.

[54JA]

I know. While we were broken up, not having the target for all the anger and hurt was hard. Also, it was so hard to cope knowing that he was the cause of my pain while feeling like he's the only one who could relieve it but is off limit. Not knowing what to do with all these emotion was extremely hard. Hang in there girl!

[Wtvwtv]

Hi, I just went through something similar (My ex of 6 years dumped me a month ago and then I found out immediately after the break up that he cheated on me. I read all the loveydovey messages on his phone to his new girl that he's moved on to. He basically had another girlfriend. I got to confront him about it and he apologised for me "finding out"... he wasn't even sorry that he did it - IT WAS AWFUL). It really especially sucks because you sort of have no choice in the matter. He cheated (while you were honest and true) yet he gets to do the breaking up and the moving on and you're just the one suffering and forcing yourself to accept the pain through no fault of your own.

 

Anyway, I am so sorry that you have to go through this as well and experience all the pain and hurt. It really sucks, sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel like a fool, that the pain consumes you, that sometimes the memories get too much and that you feel the pain and nothing at all in waves. I know it all. It's been a month for me and I don't know if I'll ever get better and find someone else.. (although I know everyone here tells me I will and I want to believe them so badly).

 

I have come to the realisation though that honestly my ex didn't (and doesn't) care for me (he hasn't contacted me since the break up and I haven't either), he probably will not regret doing what he did to me, he doesn't miss me (which is really hard to admit but I really do think it's true) and he's doing great and not feeling even a sliver of the pain that I am feeling. And even though all of this is horrible to know and to face, I realise that I can't control any part of it. All I can control is my happiness, my process of moving on.. and even though I miss him so much and wish things were different, I need to move on and forget him. One day I really really hope I do and I hope you do too.

 

Please know that I am here for you and I hope you find happiness.

 

I basically cried out when I read you said that you came to the realization that he didn't and doesn't care anymore. I can't imagine how he can just get over a 6 year relationship like that, walk over someone's broken heart like that, someone you used to love so much and care about so much. And move on with someone else so fast, doesn't he think about the time you spent together at all?! Our relationship was not great in the end, but we did have a lot of good memories. Is he gonna think about me when something reminds him of me, or he'll just ignore everything related to me and give his full heart to the new girl. This is hurting so much, I just feel like crying constantly. I hope there's some part of his memory that belongs to me, at least a small part that means what we had was real and meant something to him.

[Wtvwtv]

I know. While we were broken up, not having the target for all the anger and hurt was hard. Also, it was so hard to cope knowing that he was the cause of my pain while feeling like he's the only one who could relieve it but is off limit. Not knowing what to do with all these emotion was extremely hard. Hang in there girl!

 

That's exactly what I am feeling right now. We used to be there for each other when we had any problems, when we were feeling down. But this time, he's the problem and he's the reason I'm feeling down, and it feels like he's the only remedy, but he's not an option. It's hard to handle the feeling that we were so close to each other for so long and suddenly there's no contact at all. Feels strange and uncomfortable, but it has to be like this. If he didn't cheat, maybe we'd still be friends. We used to have so much to talk to each other, about anything, everything. But not anymore, it was a habit and I had to get rid of it. It was painful.

[stillafool]

In your first couple of posts you stated how glad you are that you two are over and he's with the new girl. As your posts continue it seemed you have changed your mind about him and are still in love. I think he fell for the new girl after he took her to his friends wedding (or before) and felt it was not right to cheat on you and therefore he broke up with you. I know it's terrible but sometimes people fall out of love/like especially when they are young. Thank God he didn't string you along like alot of guys do who would try to keep you both. He chose her and decided to let you go. Examine the reasons you have changed your mind from being glad you guys broke up to being hurt now. Is it because of your ego being hurt or is it because you are really still in love with him?

[pillowpuffs]

I basically cried out when I read you said that you came to the realization that he didn't and doesn't care anymore. I can't imagine how he can just get over a 6 year relationship like that, walk over someone's broken heart like that, someone you used to love so much and care about so much. And move on with someone else so fast, doesn't he think about the time you spent together at all?! Our relationship was not great in the end, but we did have a lot of good memories. Is he gonna think about me when something reminds him of me, or he'll just ignore everything related to me and give his full heart to the new girl. This is hurting so much, I just feel like crying constantly. I hope there's some part of his memory that belongs to me, at least a small part that means what we had was real and meant something to him.

 

I didn't believe that someone couldn't care for me too after all we'd been through. Worst thing is that he was on a college exchange programme for 6 months in another country when he cheated and broke up with me at the end of the programme when we met in that other country.. I'd been waiting for him to come home to me like a fool after 6 months and he was happy screwing around with this other girl who knew I existed.

 

I believe they just don't care about us when they do what they do. They're selfish and their need comes before everything. It's a really horrible situation. And I know the hurt, I cry constantly too - I can't even hold a conversation with people and with family. I don't leave my house much either because I'm just in so much pain that staying in my room alone feels like the best thing (even though I know I've been told it's not).

 

I know what you mean about wishing that some small part of his memory belongs to you but I guess we'll never know right? My ex hasn't contacted me. I had hoped he would - just to know he misses me or to validate the time we've had together but I've got nothing at all and that kills me..

 

To be honest, I don't know when and if the pain is going to end. I have hope some days and some days I just don't know anymore.

[Wtvwtv]

In your first couple of posts you stated how glad you are that you two are over and he's with the new girl. As your posts continue it seemed you have changed your mind about him and are still in love. I think he fell for the new girl after he took her to his friends wedding (or before) and felt it was not right to cheat on you and therefore he broke up with you. I know it's terrible but sometimes people fall out of love/like especially when they are young. Thank God he didn't string you along like alot of guys do who would try to keep you both. He chose her and decided to let you go. Examine the reasons you have changed your mind from being glad you guys broke up to being hurt now. Is it because of your ego being hurt or is it because you are really still in love with him?

 

I am still glad that we broke up after what happened (him cheating). It's exactly like you said that we didn't drag on for too long. I think I am just still clinging onto the good memories and "wish" that none of this **** happened. It's hard to let go of someone you loved so much even though he did wrong. Because the memories are still there, the wound is still fresh.

[54JA]

I hope you are doing better today. Yeah, it's hard to let go of anyone with whom you had a relationship. I knew the whole time my ex wasn't right for me, but still had the hardest time letting him go.

[Wtvwtv]

I hope you are doing better today. Yeah, it's hard to let go of anyone with whom you had a relationship. I knew the whole time my ex wasn't right for me, but still had the hardest time letting him go.

 

It was the same for me. I knew from the beginning that there's only a small chance that we will stay together till the end, but I just couldn't help but fell in love. And once I fell in love, I just couldn't let go. I thought about breaking up a few times when things were tough, but I couldn't imagine a day without him. I was a coward and didn't have the courage to embrace any change.